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Grab a Cup of Coffee and Put Your Feet Up

 

  A Long Motivational Post,  read it if you dare!  I felt really bad the last time I posted, but lately I have perked up a bit. I can’t say exactly why, but I am going to use this second wind to get me out of the crap and sail away to better things. I think it’s important I post this when I’m feeling better. I hope it will help someone. Firstly, this is a very long post but I’m hoping it will help some people. Before your brain switches off because of the positivity here (and I know because I used to do it) please read this…

 

I now have many personal goals and I’m actually in the process of DOING something and not wishing, hoping and pining for it. This is truly the first time I have been involved in this because before I didn’t listen. I didn’t listen because the voices were that of other people. Now, the voice is my own and it comes from the deepest place that rests inside me. I’ve never written anything this positive and I’ve always felt a secret loathing for such stuff. When I used to read and hear positive talk it made me more negative because it just made me realise how much I wasn’t like that. It was depressing because I wanted to be like that and I felt I couldn’t be. I experienced a mixture of emotions. Jealousy, hatred, grief, self-loathing, despair, you name it, I felt it. Positivity was like kryptonite for me and I just couldn’t touch it because it made me worse, kinda like a yin-yang thing. This time it’s different, this is ME talking.

 

Keepcool76 is a member of depressionforums.org

This Is Important, Grab a Cup of Coffee and Put Your Feet Up

  

 

A Long Motivational Post, read it if you dare!  I felt really bad the last time I posted, but lately I have perked up a bit. I can’t say exactly why, but I am going to use this second wind to get me out of the crap and sail away to better things. I think it’s important I post this when I’m feeling better. I hope it will help someone. Firstly, this is a very long post but I’m hoping it will help some people. Before your brain switches off because of the positivity here (and I know because I used to do it) please read this…

 

I now have many personal goals and I’m actually in the process of DOING something and not wishing, hoping and pining for it. This is truly the first time I have been involved in this because before I didn’t listen. I didn’t listen because the voices were that of other people. Now, the voice is my own and it comes from the deepest place that rests inside me. I’ve never written anything this positive and I’ve always felt a secret loathing for such stuff. When I used to read and hear positive talk it made me more negative because it just made me realise how much I wasn’t like that. It was depressing because I wanted to be like that and I felt I couldn’t be. I experienced a mixture of emotions. Jealousy, hatred, grief, self-loathing, despair, you name it, I felt it. Positivity was like kryptonite for me and I just couldn’t touch it because it made me worse, kinda like a yin-yang thing. This time it’s different, this is ME talking.

 

A few days ago I was slipping into a big depression. Paranoid about my life, work (or having no work) the world’s problems, my relationships with people, my girlfriend, etc. I just felt like a horrible ugly person in every way imaginable.

 

I feel better within myself these last few days and that’s because I’m finally understanding a few things. I think it’s probably because I self-sabotaged my first marriage and wrecked the relationship with my depression. I saw the whole pattern repeating itself with my new girlfriend and my mind suddenly shrieked, ‘STOP’. I’m not going to lose her, especially for the same reason as before. That would be nuts. I think also that reading a lot of positive material lately has seeped it’s way into my subconscious, especially reading about people who struggle and come out the other side better than ever. Strangely though, at the time of reading these positive things it didn’t make me feel good. The other day I took the dog for a walk and I had an epiphany. I literally stopped walking with the realisation, it was like a light being switched on in my head. I was standing on a dirt track in the woods looking up at the weak winter sun between the trees and it just all suddenly made sense. Everything I believed was wrong. That’s why I was such a mess. It was my belief system that had been arranged by my subconscious since childhood which had messed me up. I had to make new beliefs. Strangely, my psychologist had said this to me before, but at the time I didn’t understand what she was talking about and it made no sense. The reason it made no sense is because at that time those were HER ideas and not mine. I didn’t want to believe what she was saying and I couldn’t because the idea didn’t come from me. I now know (and KNOW in the truest frightening sense) what I have to do. What I have to do is DO.

 

I’ve been mulling it over for the last three days or so. In that time I have completely changed my attitude. I was developing a beer belly and it was getting me down. I’ve let myself go and I’ve lost the tone in my muscles. Physically and mentally out of shape. It’s not much of a turn on for my girlfriend neither. Anyway, I have decided (and have been doing) calisthenics. These are exercises which require NO equipment (so, I have no excuse), just enough floor space to accommodate my body. I had previously researched doing weight training but with calisthenics your BODY is the weight (and I have no money, haha). I’m never going to have a massively muscular physique with this method, but that’s not my goal. My goal is to lose weight, tone up and give my girlfriend something to get excited about, if you know what I mean! I find that an enormously inspiring and the concept of doing it without spending a penny makes it great if you’re conscious about consumerism. There are so many exercises, it’s a real science. I’m also looking into ways to improve my flexibility, maybe yoga?

 

I’ve overhauled my diet. It’s not ‘a diet’ but just common sense healthy living minus a few hundred calories too many that I was eating daily. I have this calculated down to the last gram of protein, carbs and fats and overall calories and I KNOW this is going to work. It was working when I tried this a year and a half ago but I let myself go and didn’t stick to the plan. Why? Because of my messed up belief system, not because of the food. I honestly can’t wait to see the results and I know they are going to come (they came before). I’ve taken inspiration from several online diaries of people who have been in a similar position and who have radically changed their health and fitness. The one exercise which really got me going was the dreaded ‘burpee’. I have never exercised so many muscles at one time. Wow, that hurts!.

 

Anyway, about my belief system. It was rubbish. I told myself so many things, ‘You’re pathetic. You’re no good. You’re a loser. Nobody would ever want you. You can’t do anything. You have no skills or abilities and no redeemable qualities or characteristics except for being a miserable git’, etc, you get the picture, right? This went on and on non-stop for so long. I truly believed this at a conscious and subconscious level. For any of you who have read my very first posts on these forums you will know that I was in a very bad way. I’ve been in hospital and I have considered committing the final deed at various points in my life, if you understand me.

 

Right now, I couldn’t be more different. I’m in the process of rewriting my beliefs, literally tapping them out in a text editor on the computer. In fact, I am deciding what they are and what they will be. I’m even deciding what and who I am and what and who I WANT to be. And I will be that which I choose. I love languages and I’m not particularly gifted but I WILL learn three in my lifetime because I know that’s possible and it would be satisfying. I already have one down fluently (French), my Spanish is coming on and I’m getting to grips with basic German. I’ll never play the guitar like Mark Knopfler but so what? The only person who can play like Mark Knopfler is HIM. Even other extremely accomplished guitar players can’t play with his expression and in that idiom because it’s HIS. I can already play some songs and sing a bit and I know by reading accounts of famous musicians that often they were laughed at by friends and family and critics back when they started out. Look who’s laughing now? I probably won’t be able to make a career out of it, but I do it for the enjoyment and that will NEVER change.

 

I’m making positive plans to research employment possibilities and what I want to do. It’s not easy with the economy and all that but I took so much inspiration from just one piece of wisdom I read recently. The effect it has had on me is profound. Maybe you’ve heard it or it’s been posted here already, I didn’t know it and only read it a few days ago. It goes something like this…

 

“Once upon a time there was a bunch

of tiny frogs…. who arranged a

running competition.

The goal was to reach the top of a

very high tower.

 

A big crowd had gathered around

the tower to see the race and cheer

on the contestants….

The race began….

 

Honestly:

No one in the crowd really believed

that the tiny frogs would reach the

top of the tower.

You heard statements such as:

 

“Oh, WAY too difficult!!”

“They will NEVER make it to the top.”

 

or:

“Not a chance that they will succeed.

The tower is too high!”

The tiny frogs began collapsing. One

by one….

 

Except for those, who in a fresh

tempo, were climbing higher and

higher..

 

The crowd continued to yell, “It is

too difficult!!! No one will make it!”

More tiny frogs got tired and gave

up….

 

But ONE continued higher and higher

and higher….

 

This one wouldn’t give up!

At the end everyone else had given

up climbing the tower. Except for

the one tiny frog who, after a big

effort, was the only one who

reached the top!

THEN all of the other tiny frogs

naturally wanted to know how this

one frog managed to do it?

A contestant asked the tiny frog

how he had found the strength to

succeed and reach the goal?

 

It turned out….

 

That the winner was DEAF!!!!”

 

The importance of this lesson has not been lost on me and it’s the most helpful thing I’ve ever read. I don’t know where it came from but it struck a chord with me. I’d like to share some of my own personal thoughts of the last couple of days. It may seem like you’ve read all this stuff before and it didn’t help. But these are MY OWN thoughts and if a depressive so-called “no hoper” like me has came to several realisations then it can happen to you too. These are the beginnings of my new belief system. It’s a work of art in the making, feel free to be inspired from it, but it would be better to make your own. Of course, you won’t do it just because someone says it’s a good idea. When you are ready to do it, you will. These are my initial musings, a kind of personal rough draft I saved as a text file, I’ve put some other thoughts in brackets for you all…..

 

Develop a food plan and DO IT (I have already bought all my new food for this week)

 

Exercise daily using calisthenics (A real physical challenge for my puny body but I’m DOING it)

 

Looking for good in everything/everyone.

 

Not taking “bad” experiences personally, viewing them as exercises to increase my personal, emotional, mental and even physical strength.

 

Not looking too far into the future (this I have found leads me to depression), only the next step and thinking how good it will be to be on that next step.

 

Believing that things will work out because I’ll MAKE them work (This is the mentality I had when I achieved my degree from university but I lost this mindset somewhere on the way)

 

Shoot for the stars and if I miss then I might just hit the moon. (or words to that effect: Sounds corny and we’ve all heard it, but I now believe in it)

 

Not thinking about what I can’t do, only concentrating on what I CAN do and being proud of those achievements.

 

“Life is like chocolate, it’s the bitter which makes you appreciate the sweet.” (Famous quote: To me this makes sense. Without sad moments in life there would be no yardstick to know and recognize happy times. Just my personal view which helps me cope. It’s hard to accept that sadness is part of life, but I think there are reasons for it, maybe pertaining to developing love and character? I think to be happy and make the world better we have to learn to deal with our fears, like learning English, or math, or chemistry. Tough times are exercises to aid learning and develop mental/emotional intelligence and strength)

 

We are all one and the same thing even if we don’t always realise it. Criticising others is to criticise myself because of that very reason. That’s why I feel bad when I criticise people and feel at peace when I treat people how I want to be treated even if they don’t deserve it.

 

Not merely wishing and dreaming, but planning and doing.

 

Live in the moment. Take care of the moment and the future moments to come will take care of me.

 

Understand that I can choose who I want to be and influence what course my life will take.

 

Realise that by doing the same old thing, nothing will change. Changing habits will change me and my life.

 

Never compare myself negatively to others. Concentrate on my own game and not theirs.

 

I’m the prize, I deserve more and to I want to be at peace with myself. So, I will go and get that peace.

 

Understand that I and only I can change me.

 

Not listen to negative comments, statements, people, even if it’s myself. The toad which jumped to the top of the pole was DEAF.

 

Be my own man, be firm but fair and not be provoked to reaction by others. Active, not reactive.

 

I am a leader and I will create my world. I won’t have it dictated to me by nasty people who wish to control me and use me. Within certain limits, I have choices and I WILL decide, not them.

 

Not engage in activities, conversations or anything which gives rise to negative vibes. Smile and take it easy, relax, it’s not that important and I won’t be frustrated. I won’t deviate from my goal to be calm and not get wound up. It’s me who decides this, nobody else.

 

Never argue, but explain things calmly when I have to put my foot down.

 

Don’t be weak. This doesn’t mean be nasty. this means being strong of will and character in a good way that people will respect me for who I am and what I believe in.

 

Be grateful for my life and for other lives. It’s almost an impossibility that I am here and a real miracle, use that realisation to propel me to do positive things, to profit and to take advantage of my life…there won’t be another one, so if I do anything at all….make this one count. Please, make it count.

 

Do the things I shy away from, am frightened of or have been putting off. My strength will grow and I’ll feel better.

 

Never waste time. Time is my most precious commodity and its insanely valuable. However, relaxing is not wasting time, especially with loved ones. Work and play must be balanced.

 

Never feel second best and only compromise if it’s fair to do so.

 

Understand to have peace of mind and to attain some measure of achievement and self worth involves sacrifice. To get what I want I must pay my dues in many ways. But that’s ok because if I was selling something I’d expect to get something in return too.

 

It’s a reciprocal agreement between life/God/universe/whatever it is AND ME, the individual. I render my dues and energies to the collective subconscious of existence and it REPAYS me with mental, emotional and even physical well-being.

 

Use my strengths, my gifts, my aptitudes, enhance them and bring them out. Force myself to tackle my weaknesses. I’ll never be a master of my weak points, but I can and will improve to become a more rounded person. Whereas, my strong points could propel me into orbit.

 

Take what I want from all walks of life to make my own philosophy. The only philosophy that can completely help me is 100% MINE, so make it. Take the best bits from religions, philosophies, wise men, successful people, role models, heros, etc and compile my fundamental beliefs into a system for day to day living which will drive my actions and behavioural patterns.

 

Not worry about the ifs and buts, just plough on in the belief that things will work and they probably just will. Even if they don’t, what regret could I possibly have for giving my all?

 

Surround myself with people I love and like. Positive, contented people. They know things about dealing with life and I could learn a lot from them.

 

Submerge myself in inspirational tales against the odds, Realise that to be in their mould I have to GIVE my all like they did.

That’s it for now 🙂

 

When I think about it, it’s unfathomable that I am thinking this positively. It’s almost as big a miracle as me being alive, on this planet, in this time. I just have to sustain it by continuing to do good things. There’s a lot of misery in the world and many people around me are complainers, negative, nothing good to say. If you are like that don’t despair. I have been like that most of my life, but you know what they say, it ain’t over ’til it’s over.

 

I’ve noticed in just three short days that my sudden change and burst of energy has inspired people around me and surprised them too. Some are not so happy about me trying to change (weird eh?) and still complain but I try not to think of it as a deliberate attempt to bring me down even if it is. Sometimes people do that. “I’m not happy, so I won’t let you be neither.” That’s wrong. Very recently I’ve noticed a couple of negative reactions to my desire to better myself and be happier. When that happens I’m now thinking of the deaf frog. There’s a time to listen and a time to ignore.

 

The world needs positivity from everyone and it needs it now. I see the world as a pendulum which could swing either way, or even like a magnet changing polarity. Right now it’s on the brink and many people are trying to lead us into a collective negativity. Eventually it will absorb all positivity and there will be no more positive people, only a horrific world. I don’t want that to happen, I want the opposite. I want the positivity to devour the negativity and make a better world for all of us. But something I’ve failed to understand for most of my life is that it takes effort. Thinking won’t change it, only doing it will. I can’t put it any simpler than that.

 

But don’t take my word for it. Take your own.

 

Keepcool76 is a member of depressionforums.org

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