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Close To Giving Up


Becca123

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Hello to all,

I haven't posted in a while because (ironically) I have been too depressed to post in a depression forum. I'll try to keep this as short as possible as I don't have the energy to spill my guts, nor do I feel like inflicting pages and pages of my garbage on the people of this forum.

Over the past week, there have been a a few triggers that inevitably caused one huge trigger: reality kicking in.

I have been fooling myself for a while now that I could make this all work, but when push comes to shove, I am ultimately going to fail. I now have deadline at work to "transition", which is 2 weeks today (a week after the employees are informed). By agreeing to this, I knew it was sink or swim time and I knew that I am literally sabotaging my job and my life, knowing full well that I don't have the guts to do this, especially not here. I am not prepared to become an object of even greater disgust.

Regardless of my gender, I look in the mirror every day and see a disgusting monster; a freak. There is no way I can make this work without having the financial resources to get all the surgery I'd need and even if I could save tens of thousands of dollars in the space of maybe 10 years, it would not be worth it at that point as I'd be past the age that I have chosen to call it all a day. I simply have far too many obstacles, both internal and external. I am not prepared to stay as I am, but I am also not prepared to subject myself to the kind of teasing, taunting, ridicule and harassment that I experienced in my childhood and during my teenage years.

I am only kidding myself if I think that I'll be left alone (never mind accepted) in a place like this and frankly, I don't have the energy, the confidence or the willpower to up sticks and move to a new place to start again and start looking for work, going for interviews, etc. I am spent, burned out, exhausted and I'm becoming mentally unwell.

To add to the stress, my savings are at risk because of my roommate changing jobs and going 2 weeks without pay. My savings are probably the only thing keeping me somewhat sane, because they're the equivalent of having the exit door always close by. It's not the first time this has happened and I swear I'll bail before that money is put at risk by circumstances outside of my control.

I'm sick of me, I'm sick of people in general and I'm sick of hauling this rotten carcass through endless miserable and pointless days. I hope I can find the strength to do what I need to do and bring this nightmare to an end. I didn't choose to be born but I can choose to rectify that mistake (I just need the courage to do the right thing).

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Hello to all,

I haven't posted in a while because (ironically) I have been too depressed to post in a depression forum. I'll try to keep this as short as possible as I don't have the energy to spill my guts, nor do I feel like inflicting pages and pages of my garbage on the people of this forum.

Over the past week, there have been a a few triggers that inevitably caused one huge trigger: reality kicking in.

I have been fooling myself for a while now that I could make this all work, but when push comes to shove, I am ultimately going to fail. I now have deadline at work to "transition", which is 2 weeks today (a week after the employees are informed). By agreeing to this, I knew it was sink or swim time and I knew that I am literally sabotaging my job and my life, knowing full well that I don't have the guts to do this, especially not here. I am not prepared to become an object of even greater disgust.

Regardless of my gender, I look in the mirror every day and see a disgusting monster; a freak. There is no way I can make this work without having the financial resources to get all the surgery I'd need and even if I could save tens of thousands of dollars in the space of maybe 10 years, it would not be worth it at that point as I'd be past the age that I have chosen to call it all a day. I simply have far too many obstacles, both internal and external. I am not prepared to stay as I am, but I am also not prepared to subject myself to the kind of teasing, taunting, ridicule and harassment that I experienced in my childhood and during my teenage years.

I am only kidding myself if I think that I'll be left alone (never mind accepted) in a place like this and frankly, I don't have the energy, the confidence or the willpower to up sticks and move to a new place to start again and start looking for work, going for interviews, etc. I am spent, burned out, exhausted and I'm becoming mentally unwell.

To add to the stress, my savings are at risk because of my roommate changing jobs and going 2 weeks without pay. My savings are probably the only thing keeping me somewhat sane, because they're the equivalent of having the exit door always close by. It's not the first time this has happened and I swear I'll bail before that money is put at risk by circumstances outside of my control.

I'm sick of me, I'm sick of people in general and I'm sick of hauling this rotten carcass through endless miserable and pointless days. I hope I can find the strength to do what I need to do and bring this nightmare to an end. I didn't choose to be born but I can choose to rectify that mistake (I just need the courage to do the right thing).

I'm sorry for what you are experiencing right now, InFlames. Just don't end your life, please. There's so much you can do. Try every other option you have before suicide. Try relocating, try everything. Because suicide disables all your other options.

What is your motivation in life besides suicide? The only reason people want to die is to alleviate pain, not to actually die. The fact that you've been posting is a sign you want to continue, to heal your wounds, to prosper.

I will give you this advice. Don't worry about what other people think. You are fighting for you, first and foremost.

If your strongest motivation is to transition into a woman, then do it. Take the risk- from the sound of things it's not like being a man will be any better for you. If Kristen Beck can do it, you can do it too. If you are so intent on getting the sex change operation, aren't you curious to at least find out what that's like? Aren't you curious to just try it, isn't that a better alternative than death?

People will tease, forget about them. They're just ignorant, uneducated, they fail to see what is right. The world needs sensitive, kind, and caring people like you in it.

Edited by Kabuto
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What would you say if someone else had written your post and you were reading it? I can tell from your online posts that you are a kind person and would treat a stranger well......try to give some of your kindness to yourself. You need it and deserve it.

You sound like you elieve you have nothing left to lose, well that is the best time to try something risky and new. Who knows what a relocation could hold for you. Or a new job. Or travelling. It can't be worse than what u r going thru now.

Don't give up on life! You only get one !

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Hi InFlames, I am SO glad you posted and checked in. After your last post and not hearing from you for a few days, I was getting concerned. And please don't ever apologize or feel bad for venting to us. There is no way you can say too little or too much! That is why we are here and believe it or not, we all care very much!

You have so much on your plate right now and I know it feels like everything in coming to a head. In fact, it probably is. With so much coming down on you I can understand how you feel the exit plan will be coming to fruition sooner rather than later. Instead of focusing on that plan, as I am sure you have examined and planned it many times over, just tackle one obstacle at a time. Don't worry about the financial stresses you are seeing in your future. Just pretend that money in savings doesn't exist. Don't feel obligated to spend that money to help out your ex/roommate just because it is there. That is not your problem. And remember, this is the same roommate that is tired of you visiting your problems on her but that is exactly what she seems to be doing to you now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not disparaging your roommate at all, I'm just saying that we all have issues and if we can help someone else out -- great. If not, than we just can't. Know what I mean? So please don't stress out over those things right now.

Your primary focus right now needs to be your transition at work. Instead of throwing in the towel, just see how it goes. If it doesn't work out then you will be in the same position that you are in now.

I know you feel the walls are closing in on you but that doesn't mean there isn't a window you can't climb out of. I know that sounds cliche, sorry. :(

Is there someone at work, maybe someone in HR, that you can talk to? Does your company offer you any Employee Assistance Programs for counseling? Perhaps there is a support group in your area that you can contact to see if anyone else has faced a transition process? I'm sure you have already thought of those things as resources though.

I'm afraid I haven't been much help to your situation. I wish I could rid this world of all this ignorance for you. And for me, for that matter.

Many hugs coming your way!

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All,

Thanks for your responses. I'll get to them later as I seem to have so little time to myself and when I do have time, I am too tired to do anything.

Unfortunately gender dysphoria is one hell of a beast - it goes way beyond feeling too ugly to get dates or unhappy with your appearance. It's a monster....a total mismatch and those who can fix it (including Kristin Beck) are usually those wealthy enough to do so. No matter how much I try to slice it, I am screwed. I've tried moving, different jobs etc but nothing takes this away or subdues it even.

There's no one else I can go to at work. It's enough that they are accommodating me so far, even though I know it won't work here or in Miami.

I don't know what to do with the roommate thing either. The rent simply isn't going to get paid not will other bills due. I simply have to walk away soon and that's the reality of this.

Thank you all for your kind words. I just don't think I do a very good job of conveying the sheer pain that I'm in right now. I wish I could be more eloquent with words.

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It pains me to read this post. I saw other posts from you and you seem like an outstanding person. You don't deserve the torment you receive. I understand a little bit about worrying about your gender. I'm a gay man and its confusing because I don't fit a all of the hyper-masculine gender norms and I believe gender roles are toxic, but anyways your situation is a lot more complicated and I'm sorry for that. I don't believe you are a monster. I believe you are strong to deal with what you are dealing with. I think people place to much importance on appearance and not enough what is on the inside. At the end of the day I choose to be around others that make me feel safe, welcome, and appreciated. No level of physical appearance can ever achieve that. I hope you are able to manage a backup plan and I hope your situation can turn around. Keep rolling with those punches, and rest and take a break when you need to. Repeat. Go again, hopefully you will find an opening to take a jab at. If all else fails give yourself the love you need to go on. No one will steal your self worth. I will be thinking of you! best of luck and Tatakae! (fight)

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Wow, how brave are you for you doing the transition at work. I think you may be surprised on how supportive people can be. Sure there will always be jerks out there to make our lives harder but I believe the good in people will out weight the bad.

Don't give up, don't give in....don't let others "win".

{{{hugs}}}

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Your pain does come across, and I'm worried for you. I hope at least one of your co-workers is kinder to you after the transition (it could happen, because then they will know something about you and they may have empathy or know another person who has been through something similar). It might be a good idea to print out some information to pass around. You are protected from workplace harassment by the american civil liberties union - I'll send you the page.

Is there possibly a transgender support group in your city?

I can't remember if I asked you if your work has a short-term/ long-term disability plan. If so, you could go off on disability due to your depression. I am currently off myself - it's not easy but it's better than working while trying to deal with depression. I highly recommend it. If there is no plan, you may be able to collect medical unemployment. If you haven't already looked into it, please do.

Re: your roommate. She must be able to borrow from a friend/family member, instead of from you. With your own situation so precarious, you can't afford to be covering her rent.

Warmest wishes to you. I wish there were something I could do to make your situation better.

No she really has no family in that sense (they ask her for money). I don't know what to do about this one as that money is my only "escape". If I lost it even for a couple of weeks, I would probably lose my mind as I would feel trapped here.

The only thing work offered me when I mentioned taking a prolonged absence due to illness was an unpaid leave of absence. I'm not even sure if they offer short term or long term disability.

I also have zero protection in this county as a transgender woman......this county failed to pass the basic human rights ordinance laws, which means there;s nothing protecting me from being fired, denied service, discriminated against or even harassed.

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It pains me to read this post. I saw other posts from you and you seem like an outstanding person. You don't deserve the torment you receive. I understand a little bit about worrying about your gender. I'm a gay man and its confusing because I don't fit a all of the hyper-masculine gender norms and I believe gender roles are toxic, but anyways your situation is a lot more complicated and I'm sorry for that. I don't believe you are a monster. I believe you are strong to deal with what you are dealing with. I think people place to much importance on appearance and not enough what is on the inside. At the end of the day I choose to be around others that make me feel safe, welcome, and appreciated. No level of physical appearance can ever achieve that. I hope you are able to manage a backup plan and I hope your situation can turn around. Keep rolling with those punches, and rest and take a break when you need to. Repeat. Go again, hopefully you will find an opening to take a jab at. If all else fails give yourself the love you need to go on. No one will steal your self worth. I will be thinking of you! best of luck and Tatakae! (fight)

Well I certainly appreciate your feedback in particular as I'm sure you've faced your own struggles for being gay and having to come out. I am certainly not one to downplay that struggle either as I am sure it's also very difficult for people. Neither of us can help who we are nor did we have any choice in being this way, but it is what it is and I do not understand why people cannot just keep their mouths shut if they have nothing positive to say.

Gender roles are largely unnecessary and I believe they are a cause of misery for many people, even those who aren't transgender, gay or gender fluid. Perhaps more people are unhappy with them than would care to admit....I know that in my case, they went out of the window long ago and even if I were able to successfully transition, I certainly would not overcompensate by trying too hard to be a woman. why can't men cry? Why can't a woman simply choose NOT to have children rather than be asked "when are you getting pregnant?". Why do men and women have to dress a certain way? The human race would be a happier place without such constraints placed upon it.

As for physical appearance, it goes far beyond the cosmetic. I would be fine with being considered just an unattractive female, but having a body that is a complete mismatch of who you really are has been something that I have simply been unable to deal with or try o bury/ignore. I've spent my life dragging this unwanted carcass around, trying to run away from myself by moving, changing jobs, ditching friends, engaging in drug & alcohol use, self-harm and have been dealing with suicidal thoughts since my teens (when the harsh reality of this truly kicked in). But to try to change and then to face the kind of onslaught of humiliation and harassment that I experienced as a kid....I'm nowhere near strong enough for that, especially as my existence is such that it would only take a few more straws to break the camel's back.

I truly applaud people who are strong enough to make this journey and can continue to live despite the many risks (harassment, unemployment, discrimination, etc).

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I haven't slept anyway.

Gender dysphoria + awful job + hopelessness + living in a place that I hate / will never be comfortable in + roommate situation + severe anxiety + disgust with my physical appearance + insomnia + exhaustion + homesickness (as much as I don't want to go back) + lack of human connection + battling intrusive suicidal thoughts + worries over debt (debts that were largely caused by someone else's decisions) + getting older + being continually unable to better myself or focus.

Yeah...it's all too much. Way too much.

Edited by InFlames
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I haven't slept anyway.

Gender dysphoria + awful job + hopelessness + living in a place that I hate / will never be comfortable in + roommate situation + severe anxiety + disgust with my physical appearance + insomnia + exhaustion + homesickness (as much as I don't want to go back) + lack of human connection + battling intrusive suicidal thoughts + worries over debt (debts that were largely caused by someone else's decisions) + getting older + being continually unable to better myself or focus.

Yeah...it's all too much. Way too much.

You should try to not miss out on sleep, when you're depressed it often makes everything seem 10x times worse.

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I haven't slept anyway.

Gender dysphoria + awful job + hopelessness + living in a place that I hate / will never be comfortable in + roommate situation + severe anxiety + disgust with my physical appearance + insomnia + exhaustion + homesickness (as much as I don't want to go back) + lack of human connection + battling intrusive suicidal thoughts + worries over debt (debts that were largely caused by someone else's decisions) + getting older + being continually unable to better myself or focus.

Yeah...it's all too much. Way too much.

You should try to not miss out on sleep, when you're depressed it often makes everything seem 10x times worse.

I try not to. I can usually fall asleep, but I can't stay asleep for more than 3 hours at a time.

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Oh InFlames, my heart truly hurts for you. I thought about you when I was leaving work yesterday. I was walking down the hall and there is a man in another department that caught my eye as he was in the hallway using his personal cell phone. I have "known" him for years. Meaning, I see him all the time but he works in a different department than me. We basically "hi and bye" each other. Anyway, when he first started working for this company, his name was Chelsea. When he first went through his transition at work, it was at first a bit uncomfortable for many. Because people who don't or can't understand don't know how to react to any situation and that makes them feel uncomfortable. And that, I imagine, came across to him as disgust. But as more time passed more people got used to the new normal. It just takes time. I hope that is all your coworkers will need --- time.

However, I also know that a woman transitioning to a man may be more --- I don't know --- more common? And therefore, more acceptable?

Are there things that you and your roommate own that can be sold or pawned to pay the rent so you don't have to dip into your savings?

Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing today. That last post of yours really hurt my heart. :( I hope you are feeling a little better this morning.

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@ IrishGirlVA,

Regarding my roommate, no. She has no way of.getting the funds and stuff is already falling on me to pay (the phone for example that I had already given her half towards). I'm going to make a point by not eating until I get paid a week on Friday. Maybe thatl'll sink in because I would rather go hungry than tap into my savings.

The man formerly known as Chelsea....I would imagine that it's been hellish for him but I'm glad that people are accepting him. Transmen and transwomen face the same monster (transition and gender dysphoria) but obviously different physical and emotional challenges.

My coworkers will not accept me...that is the harsh reality. These are people who already either dislike me or totally ignore me. It's an open office and I happen to sit opposite & next to )close proximity) 2 people who do not like me at all and are just the type of people to be so weirded out by me that they'll probably silently make my life at work as difficult as possible.

I am literally ready to pack up and call it a day upon my next paycheck.

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@ IrishGirlVA,

Regarding my roommate, no. She has no way of.getting the funds and stuff is already falling on me to pay (the phone for example that I had already given her half towards). I'm going to make a point by not eating until I get paid a week on Friday. Maybe thatl'll sink in because I would rather go hungry than tap into my savings.

The man formerly known as Chelsea....I would imagine that it's been hellish for him but I'm glad that people are accepting him. Transmen and transwomen face the same monster (transition and gender dysphoria) but obviously different physical and emotional challenges.

My coworkers will not accept me...that is the harsh reality. These are people who already either dislike me or totally ignore me. It's an open office and I happen to sit opposite & next to )close proximity) 2 people who do not like me at all and are just the type of people to be so weirded out by me that they'll probably silently make my life at work as difficult as possible.

I am literally ready to pack up and call it a day upon my next paycheck.

don't give up...I know you have the strength to fight the crap from others...

I think it may be fun, well not fun but it would be interesting to see how uncomfortable you could try to make it for others.

Sorry the evil side of me is coming out today. Once in a while that little devil inside my head has fun playing with the heads of others.

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I don't have the strength. And I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable because I don't want those kind of reactions...I just want to be me and to be left to do my work, but life hasn't been that kind to me and I don't see that trend ending anytime soon. I even sent an email to my supervisor this morning (he knows) to say that I'm extremely uncomfortable with the dynamic in the office when I have to look these people in the eye on Monday and tell them, but he didn't respond.

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Maybe your manager, not knowing how to best handle the situation, can give all your coworkers information about gender transitioning. A website link? A document? Or, if you would rather do it, send everyone an email right before you leave on Friday and ask your manager if you can come in late on Monday or perhaps take the day off all together. Let others know you are open to any questions. I hope most of them are more mature than they seem!

If that's not a good idea, give everyone a copy of the movie Birdcage and tell them to all deal with it! ;-)

PS -- I'm a HUGE Nathan Lane fan. I saw that movie 20 times just in the theater and when it stopped playing in my area, I drove 2 hours to another town just to see it again. Just wanted to add that so you knew I wasn't making fun or light of your situation. I know life is not how it's portrayed in movies.

I know you must be filled with so much anxiety about this. All I can tell you is that eventually people will get used to the new you. Again, it all comes down to giving it time.

Thinking of you! Hang in there!

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Bear in mind, the company I work for...they openly made fun of a lady with a mental illness who they eventually fired (rather than deal with the jokes about her), they fired someone with a sleeping disorder and made fun of him too. They joked about my boss wearing shorts to the office once he left, like school children.

This is why I have no hope...no allies there at all and I know they'll find ways to push me out and make me feel like a freak.

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Bear in mind, the company I work for...they openly made fun of a lady with a mental illness who they eventually fired (rather than deal with the jokes about her), they fired someone with a sleeping disorder and made fun of him too. They joked about my boss wearing shorts to the office once he left, like school children.

This is why I have no hope...no allies there at all and I know they'll find ways to push me out and make me feel like a freak.

Mmmm. I see.

I have something I would like to say about your company and their employees but I fear Homeland Security will track me down by my IP address and haul me away,

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Went to a group meeting yesterday but it really didn't go well. I didn't have high expectations anyway, but I literally got no response after nervously telling my story. I stayed quiet the rest of the meeting. Simply being transgender isn't enough for me to be able to connect to / make friends with people. The same goes for any other type of group, which is why groups have never worked for me in the past, whether anxiety or depression groups, SI recovery groups or transgender groups.

I'm not feeling hopeful about the further at all and I most likely have to walk away soon before my roommate's financial problems become my financial problems and bye bye exit fund / only way out of this miserable existence.

@ IrishGirlVA,

I don't know how they'll handle it. All I know is that I think my time there will be oh soon, as I have a gut feeling that it won't go well (my gut is seldom wrong). I can't fault the company itself, at least as far as how management have handled it, but I don't like the people I work with and for good reason. I am deluding myself if I think they will just leave me in peace to do my job. I won't be able to escape their bad stares and discomfort because there are no cubicles or partitions in that office...it's like one massive room.

Monday is the day. I'll give it a week to sink in before making any final decisions, but if it's not meant to be then I am done. I don't feel like starting over or going through the process of looking for another job or moving to another place where I'd just end up being miserable, because ultimately my demons will just follow me wherever I go (and they have). Being trapped in the body of the wrong gender (for me) is something you can't run away from or push aside.

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It's something you can't run away from, but it's not necessarily something that should define your entire existence. I feel like you're letting this problem to consume everything around you, dooming yourself right of the bat. It doesn't necessarily have to be this way.

Edited by Mr Shadow
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@ Shadow,

It certainly doesn't define my existence, but it's very much a live or die situation. I ask myself often "How much longer could I go on like this?"and the answer has gone from years to months to now, weeks. It's certainly not the only thing eating me alive and I don't want it to always defect from the other very real issues in my life, which even without gender dysphoria are enough to make me want to end it all.

I tried running & starting over, even moving across the Atlantic; it doesn't work and I'm not going to put myself thorough that again because I know the reality is that it won't work.

Anyways thanks for your support.

Edited by InFlames
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Hi Inflames,

I'm part of the LGBT community and give you a lot of credit for your decision to transition. You have a lot of courage to keep pushing on and there are many of us here that do care. I'm not going to say I understand your feelings of gender dysphoria because I like being male and having feelings and attractions for other men. I was with a woman for 20 years and loved her very much, but from this point forward, it's going to be a man. You have to continue with your journey with your identity so you can really be comfortable with yourself and your feelings. I won't offer you hope, I offer you strength so you can complete your transistion and live your life the way you were always supposed to.

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