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I Dont Know


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This post is just to express myself since I don't know where to start and I don't know who to talk to. I feel like i'm in a limbo where I really want to do lots of fun and exciting things but I just don't feel like doing anything. I also have everything I could want I have an amazing boyfriend, a part time job that i enjoy so Im not super stressed, i'm not fat but i'm not skinny either and I have always had a loving family and I live in an amazing place so I don't know what is wrong with me. I have lost interest in anything that I previously liked, I don't have any friends so I cant do anything with anyone (I have had lots of trouble throughout my life with friendships and fake friends) and all my money goes on bills with little left over so I don't have much money to spend on activities. I feel miserable and all I want to do is eat junk and drink alcohol and do drugs. I used to do a lot of drugs especially when my ex cheated on my and I had a lot of relationship problems and I cut myself. I also lost weight and I got fit and clean and I quit smoking and got healthy and I was still unhappy. I still felt like I wasn't good enough and I had to try harder. Then I started to obsess over my weight but I get to the point where I almost reach my goals and I think i'm going good and then it all comes crashing down and I binge on food or drugs or give into addictive things. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist and I am very hard on myself if I fail anything. I also take everything to heart even if I know what someone is saying about me isn't true or their opinion isn't relevant I still get very upset and down on myself. A lot of people say that I am too nice and I often find myself giving too much of myself to someone and they end up throwing it back in my face so I have given up on trying to make friends anymore.

Lately it feels like its getting worse and I feel very lonely even though I have given up with friends I still have a strong desire to meet people but i'm very scared that the same things will just happen all over again and when I make a friend they turn out to not like me or talk behind my back and gossip or think i'm weird. My boyfriend works night shift so when he is home he is sleeping or too tired to do anything. He also hates crowds and is a homebody but I have always loved getting out and doing things and I get so bored sitting at home. I absolutely love music festivals but my boyfriend hates them and I cant go alone so that makes me sad too. So my routine is I go to work and I try to work out since its the only thing I can do without spending too much money and its one of the last things that I still get some enjoyment out of but once I have worked out I sit at home on my computer and watch tv and look out the window wanting to do something exciting and fun with fun people but I cant because I have no money or friends. Then I go on facebook and see everyone else having fun times and parties with their friends and I get sad and start drinking then I feel like crap and go to bed and repeat it and do it all over again. I feel like life is mundane I always hide my feelings and i'm sick of randomly crying on my own I feel like there is a void that needs to be filled and I cant fill it with anything. I have never been diagnosed with depression or anything so I don't exactly know if I am genuinely depressed or not but I thought I might find some answers or something here.

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The symptoms you're describing could be depression, and a professional could give you more insight. Either way, you're welcome to post and read here to see if there's anything you can use.

I'm familiar with the feeling of improvements never being enough, by the way. It's taken awhile to work myself out of the mindset of waiting for a magical "someday" to rescue me from the fact that I have depression.

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