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Hey everybody ,

I'm doing pretty terrible today. The images in my head of bad things. The depression is out of control. After last night and taking all of does benadryls, to help me sleep. They actually just made me have a like close to a mental breakdown. I felt like I was tripping in the worst possible way. Ended up sleeping all day today. Then didn't go to my therapist appointment and now I'm sitting in bed crying. I feel like I'm being punished for something, I don't I know what I did. For lack of a better word , Honestly all I can say that I just feel bad. Inside and trembling. Feeling like what is the point of all this. The meds. This therapy. The fact that I know that these thoughts from the OCD aren't going anywhere. No matter how many pills I pop the emptiness I make myself feel ...... there isn't a drug that's going to take them away. As long as those thoughts are in my head. My depression isn't going anywhere either. So what do I do?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi Dear,

You can overcome these difficulties. It will be very difficult at times, but it can be done. You need to steel yourself in anticipation of the difficulties. I don't know how you work with your therapist and the information he or she gives you, but will make some suggestion which have helped me, and I know have helped others. The first thing I will suggest (or implore) you to , as someone who experienced very similar sleeping difficulties in the past, is for you to understand that there is a big, big, strong, and rational part of you that is actually not scared of the things you believe are so difficult to deal with in your life right now-namely, anxiety, panic attacks, sleeping difficulties, etc. You just don't see it yet. You are also NOT your OCD. OCD is just a littly, bitty, bitty, microscopic fragment of your being, and compared to your rational, logical and intellectual part of you, it is nothing. That is, it can't compete in strength with this strong side of you; once your strong side awakens to this, it will squash the ocd like a fly, which would be practically sitting on it's bedbug knees and practically begging you for forgiveness for even considering messing with you. But you probably can't see this also right now. Actually, your ocd is not really even a "disease", it is merely you being more sensitive and perceiving the world in a slightly different way than the average person. But the info you can get from many sources in the outside world, including so many shrinks, I'm sure, can quickly demoralize just about anybody with OCD.

So first, you need to address the PA's and anxiety, and the sleeping issues will resolve automatically. At the very least, you will be able to sleep better, and things will go smoother from there overall. It will still be difficult at times, but more manageable and easier. To begin, you have to understand and be ok with the fact that it is not an overninght process to success. Also, something important, is that you should not worry about sleep--it's quality, quantiy, etc, because your body will still get the minimum amount it needs to function regardless if you worry or not. If you don't sleep one or two nights, eventually the body will take over and do it's thing; it's something you can't control, so there is no point to waste enegy worrying about it. Insomniacs actually sleep, they need a minimum amount of sleep for their bodies to function, and this info is available online.

Next, the PA's will not **** or harm you, you need to understand this. It is totally understandable if you are going through some very tough, emotionally draining, pessimistic feelings right now, but it is imoportant to not be afraid of them, and to understand that they are but merely feelings and moments in the meandering, flowing little river of life, and, like anything else in life, is not static and they too shall pass, and thigs will get better. As I wrote to another person a little while ago, it is actually very possible for a person to bring their mind to such a state of tranquility and calmness, just before a PA seems it may occur, that-guess what--it will not occur, after all. But it is not easy, it takes time, patience and some mental training to acheive this. But it is very, very possible. I've come somewhat close to achieving this, when in the past I felt one might have been coming on, and averted it by mentally thinking of something positive, or hopeful, or just about anything at all. And I didn't worry. If one comes on, say you don't care. It will leave sooner and stop bothering you, or may not come at all.

It also helps tremendously to think of yourself during anxious times and tough moments as not a human being, or even a living thing, that you are kind of like a tree which has weathered abuse, and has because of it almost transformed into a lifeless object like a rock or a piece of wood. And you don't care, you actually appreciate the calmness and tranquility of non-existence. But since you, as the tree, are still a living being at the core, you don't mind existence naturally anyway, and so, decide to go on. Through trials, beatings of nature and difficulties, you persevere and slowly start to lose the wounds and signs of beatings. Eventually, things get easier-you find the sun comes out once in a while through the clouds to give you energy for life, and it also rains from time to time too, helping your roots grow.

Shortly before it's time to sleep, say that you don't care what happens, don't care if there are PAs or anxiety or or anything they may do to you, that peace will be there again on the other side of the morning, somewhere. Then turn your mind off, just don't think about anything. It's possible to do. Let come what may attitude. Don't mentally try to fall asleep. Lie for however long it takes and just with your eyes closed. You may feel like you're swimming amidst feelings of tiredness, mystery, meandering flow, and other things you can't make out. Just go with the flow. Don't worry if sleep doesn't seem to be coming. Channeling it is kind of an acquired skill and takes some patience and practice. Eventually, you'll get the hang of it. Most importantly, don't be afraid of ANY thoughts or feelings you may be experiencing. Because almost all (probably all) humans are egotists to one degree or another, their egos get in the way and compound their problems. "Oh, what's gonna come about? What's gonna happen to me? Will everything be alright?" Screw all that. Let come what may. There is peace and I am peace. Nothing can truly change the order of things. It is magnificent the way it is. natural balance finds itself.

Wish you the best. It will be allright :-)
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