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Going Through Life Without Emotional Support From Either Of Your Parents


The_Unwanted

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This is how it's always been for me.

I never was close to my father because all he ever does is ask me the same stupid repetitive questions, and always gets mad at me whenever I'm stuck in the same room with him long enough. I feel thankfull everyday that he's not around. Because the memories of his behaviors is nowhere near as bad as being stuck with him for real. He's only good for material needs, a quick hello and goodbye, and that's it.

My mother, even though I spent a lot of years intolerating everything about her and being fueled with hate, I no longer feel those feelings towards her. My relationship is as good as it's going to get. My mom is also good for material needs, food, but sometimes she's quiet and I can talk to her and spend a little while with her without problems. The problem with her though is that she has borderline personality disorder. When something doesn't go her way, it's always someone else fault but hers. She always looks for something to complain about, denies everything that's bad in her life, and overall isn't bright in the head at all. I can still see her from time to time, but I always have my guard up.

Neither of my parents are emotionally supportive of me. Whenever I have something that I need to get off of my chest, my mother always says go ahead talk, but never values what I have to say. Whenever I do something wrong, she never shows signs of concern that normal people feel, and never tries to knock sense into me. It's like yeah it's bad but whatever. My father will listen to as much until he gets fed up, and after that he'll just say stupid things to shut me up. He's out of the picture, and I couldn't be happier. My mother isn't too bad when things go her way, but there's nothing she could do to help me for anything, considering she spent most of my lifetime out of work, making bad decision after bad decision, broke, in denial, and making plenty of stupid decisions.

I pretty much raised myself. I have made so many good decisions on my own, within the last couple of years. I've bought some good things with my money, I saved some money, I made a couple of decent acquaintances, I went to take a trade, I'm cool with my peers, I tried a couple of temporary jobs, I've done some productive things with my time and tried to avoid making stupid decision over again when I **** things up. At least I try.

One of the good things I've done is join this message board, and talk about all my feelings over here. What's unfortunate about society is that no one is going to be there for individuals like myself, if our parents spend their lives with their heads tucked in. Friends can also listen to me so much, before being fed up. Truth is, there is no place in society for someone who has no support. It's wrong for someone to go through life having to deal with all these extremely hard sh*t all by themselves. Shrinks cost a lot of money, and none of them really give a sh*t about me. I shouldn't have to wait for an appointment to get support when I need it. Phone lines are only for emergencies. Like I said, no one truly gives a sh*t.

Thank goodness this messaage board exists. I never knew this message board helps as much as it does, and is as vital as it is. Without this message board, I'd be all alone with these thoughts, just pushing away everyone one after another until they are all gone. Thanks to this message board, I no longer have the urge to text anybody my thoughts because I'm sharing them here with whoever wants to listen to me.

Thoughts?

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I can only say that I know where you're coming from, since I was born into a dysfunctional home where we faced everything from violence to fighting over food.

My father is the only one who ever faced what he did and apologized to his children for the role he played, while my mother cries when we try to talk to her about it and still treats me as she always has. Which, since she's made nothing but bad relationship choices her entire life and has no real friends, is her pincushion and control object. How sad she is, how tight money is, how bad immigrants are, how the police would chase me down if I went out when it was too cold, who's dying, etc. In contrast, everything I talked about could be solved by God or was just a phase, and also I was gaining weight (this said as she cheated on her third fad diet).

The only good thing I've learned is that no matter how ill, ugly, out-of-touch, racist, manipulative, small, and cruel someone is inside, it's possible to go to college and have a well-paying job. My failure or success is in my hands alone. If she can, I can do better.

I have to disagree that there's no support, though, since social support has played a big role in my life. There is a very real stigma against not only mental illness but any kind of negativity or emotional difficulty, but there are people who'll listen, empathize, and offer guidance in the world to people who are feeling a little lost, behind, or down. Some of them have been instructors of mine, some of them have been friends, and some of them are here on this forum.

Edited by Licorice
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I have to disagree that there's no support, though, since social support has played a big role in my life. There is a very real stigma against not only mental illness but any kind of negativity or emotional difficulty, but there are people who'll listen, empathize, and offer guidance in the world to people who are feeling a little lost, behind, or down. Some of them have been instructors of mine, some of them have been friends, and some of them are here on this forum.

I think you may have misinterpreted my point.

I do have a few friends and family members that offer me some support here and there, even when things are not going my way. But no one offers me the unlimited support and listening ear that I need, considering all the bad things I've been through. I can't say I blame them, because I'm not their kid and there's only so much depressing sh*t someone's willing to listen to. But it's stupid that no one ever told me to come here, if they don't want to help. They all think that shrinks are gods and miracle makers, when in reality, they're as useless as a sewer rat. People are careless, ignorant, and overall.....just looking to make a bad person out of me.

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I have to disagree that there's no support, though, since social support has played a big role in my life. There is a very real stigma against not only mental illness but any kind of negativity or emotional difficulty, but there are people who'll listen, empathize, and offer guidance in the world to people who are feeling a little lost, behind, or down. Some of them have been instructors of mine, some of them have been friends, and some of them are here on this forum.

I think you may have misinterpreted my point.

I do have a few friends and family members that offer me some support here and there, even when things are not going my way. But no one offers me the unlimited support and listening ear that I need, considering all the bad things I've been through. I can't say I blame them, because I'm not their kid and there's only so much depressing sh*t someone's willing to listen to. But it's stupid that no one ever told me to come here, if they don't want to help. They all think that shrinks are gods and miracle makers, when in reality, they're as useless as a sewer rat. People are careless, ignorant, and overall.....just looking to make a bad person out of me.

Ah, alright. I'm not a fan of the shoving of heads in the sand that goes on when people treat therapy as The Cure, which will magically make everything okay for each individual immediately. The subtext that I don't think people realize they're sometimes saying in, "Ew. You're sick. Go away until you're fixed."

I don't agree that only listening to so much makes someone a bad person, however, as there isn't a person alive without limits. It's a matter of survival, like not donating your entire paycheck to the Red Cross even though you'll give a $10 bill once in awhile or not taking in shelter animals you won't be able to afford more than Ramen for food with so they won't be put down even though you volunteer. When people's emotional energy gets too low, they'll suffer, too.

Edited by Licorice
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Yeah, now we're kinda getting on the same page.

But there's one last thing you have to realize. Someone that had severe issues NEEDS confinement. And good people are people with decent confort, aka people with money. Although they will give me a chance, these types of issues to a comfortable person rapidly makes them feel low in no time. No one wants to hear about depressing s*** because it makes them feel depressed when they don't have to....and I can't say I blame them.

And with a social system that barely ever gives me what I truly need and parents that don't give a sh*t, this is the only place I can express myself. At least this works. It got the job done, and I'm no longer (or rarely ever) tempted to talk about anything personal to anyone. The amount of intolerence people can have towards me has a good chance of getting significantly decreased. So why would I go back to something that used to damage me?

Edited by The_Unwanted
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I read a question on Quora once where someone asked "What is the most unfair advantage a person can have?". The number one answer: Nurturing Parents. You can google it and read the answer if you like, I think you might agree with it.

I 100% hands down agree with this. The older I get and the more I see my kids and other peoples kids growing up around me, I only get more sure of myself. If you don't have nurturing parents, then you have to be lucky enough to have found another extremely nurturing substitute early in life.

I think parents can mess up in all sorts of ways, you could grow up in extreme poverty with duct taped shoes...but that love and nurture HAS to be there.

I had awful parents. My dad was an alcoholic narcissist (clinically diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder) and my mom is just mean. My dad neglected/ignored us and my mom neglected, beat, and emotionally abused us (I have 4 siblings). She hated us because she's a closet lesbian and resented her choices in life. We were always "you damned kids" to her.

My dad has moved away after disowning us kids. I haven't spoken to him in years. It's no loss to me because I never had a relationship with him anyway. He obviously hasn't felt any loss either.

I have no relationship with my mom. She comes around a couple times a year, but I won't be around her for more than a couple hours because all she does is try to tear me down.

When other people talk about their parents, or get upset because a parent has died, or want to share an experience with their parents like getting married, or a getting a job, or having a baby, I wonder what that's like. I can't even imagine it.

Everything I have done has been 100% on my own. Other than a roof over my head and food through high school, that's about all they ever did.

When people tell me it's my "duty" to love and care for my parents, I literally want to punch them. I am a parent now and I can clearly see that as a parent it is MY duty to love and care for my kids, not the other way around. They didn't get to choose me as a parent; it was me who chose to have them, it was me who brought them into this world. If they can't take care of themselves, it's on me, and it's my duty to make sure they're OK.

I'm lucky enough to have a husband who is in the same boat as me (basically parentless) and we support each other as best we can. At least we don't have an in-law issues.

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I agree. Nurturing parents are the no. 1 advantage you can have. That said, I think you can overcome bad parenting. People have done it, and contrary to my even being able to believe it, I think I might now be finally doing it myself (after 50 years). Problem is, I don't have a magic recipe. For me it just took time. I had to be ready. I'd told myself all the same things before - you know, like that's long enough to let them hurt you, and you're an adult, accept that your childhood was bad and take ownership of your life, and all those sorts of things. Finally, at 50, it stuck. I am not sure why.

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I never knew my parents, well I have a mom, somewhat, I didn't ever talk to her much - only a few years ago when I moved in my own place did we start talking ..more regularly - still superficial, simply put I don't know her and I don't need to either, gains me nothing. I rely on myself first, I don't even need any of the parently...whatchamacallit. As for the society, I never expected anything from it, but I'm a part of it so I'll play ball. My self-awareness is there certainly, but I will never let it get the best of me again - the defenses have held for about 4.5 years now and counting. My gameplan is to take life with lots of humor - make fun of everything and everybody. I have grown to be quite condescending of the masses (read: people I don't know/don't care to know/won't know) - that's the only way it works, though, I have to be the king of my own world, otherwise it's kaput. Inner anarchy where your emotions riot against you like 100 000 people with posters and banners carrying out a revolution simply will not do - what is needed is order and discipline. Noone but I can help me achieve my own "inner-order".

It doesn't mean I'm superficial with my friends, it means I will stay in control of myself what ever bad thing, emotionally crushing thing might happen.

Edited by 7thHeaveN
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I am a parent now and I can clearly see that as a parent it is MY duty to love and care for my kids, not the other way around. They didn't get to choose me as a parent; it was me who chose to have them, it was me who brought them into this world. If they can't take care of themselves, it's on me, and it's my duty to make sure they're OK.

What needs to be understood about this is that you avoided making the same mistakes as your parents not because you are smarter or stronger, but because you were fortunate enough to find something that fullfills your needs to grow and prosper as normally as possible. Some people are just sh*t out of luck, and fortunately it wasn't the case for you.

There's a reason why your parents were the way they were. Sometimes, you just gotta put forcing the issues aside, and know a way to get the job done right. Kudos.

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I am a parent now and I can clearly see that as a parent it is MY duty to love and care for my kids, not the other way around. They didn't get to choose me as a parent; it was me who chose to have them, it was me who brought them into this world. If they can't take care of themselves, it's on me, and it's my duty to make sure they're OK.

What needs to be understood about this is that you avoided making the same mistakes as your parents not because you are smarter or stronger, but because you were fortunate enough to find something that fullfills your needs to grow and prosper as normally as possible. Some people are just sh*t out of luck, and fortunately it wasn't the case for you.

There's a reason why your parents were the way they were. Sometimes, you just gotta put forcing the issues aside, and know a way to get the job done right. Kudos.

Of course my parents have a reason why they are the way that they are. My mom was, and continues to allow herself to be, abused by her mom, as well as having major depressive disorders AND low intelligence on top of everything. My dad is an alcoholic who was raised by alcoholics and had a mom who raised him self-indulgently (he and his brothers were kings of the roost and could do no wrong). I'm not mean to my parents, I don't hate them, and I don't sit around wallowing about my parents. I don't blame them for being the way that they are. If they want to contact me, I am quite civil to them. But there is no love between us and my parents almost never contact me. I am an example of someone who has never had nurturing parental love. At the same time, I have no parental hatred. Their lives are their own.

And despite what you say, the fact that I have turned out as I have is due to me alone. My parents were an obstacle that I had to overcome. I ended the cycle because I am SMARTER and STRONGER. The older I get and the more experience I get, the more I can see just how much my parents failed. By societies standards, they were more successful than me. They had careers, a big house, etc etc. But as parents they failed. I am a failure by societies standards as I have no job, I am struggling in my 30's to finish school so I can get one, I had more kids than I could afford, etc etc. But as a parent I am a success.

It's not with disgust or anger that I see my parents, I KNOW that they had problems and did the best they could. But I can't MAKE my parents love me and I will not fall into the trap of wallowing around as an adult complaining on message boards that my parents don't love me or nurture me enough. I had to get over it.

So if you need to tell yourself that people who successfully overcome abusive parenting are just "lucky," go ahead. Maybe you are trying to make excuses for your own failures? I don't know. Why would you have to try and tear someone down like that? Someone who has been crippled by depression and severe social anxiety all my life, only to overcome it ON A DAILY BASIS to try and be a decent mom...but I'm just "lucky" that way I guess. Good for me. Kudos to me.

You don't know my parents, you don't know me, and you seem to have a problem with everything I say so I'll be sure not to post on any of your threads again.

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I am a parent now and I can clearly see that as a parent it is MY duty to love and care for my kids, not the other way around. They didn't get to choose me as a parent; it was me who chose to have them, it was me who brought them into this world. If they can't take care of themselves, it's on me, and it's my duty to make sure they're OK.

What needs to be understood about this is that you avoided making the same mistakes as your parents not because you are smarter or stronger, but because you were fortunate enough to find something that fullfills your needs to grow and prosper as normally as possible. Some people are just sh*t out of luck, and fortunately it wasn't the case for you.

There's a reason why your parents were the way they were. Sometimes, you just gotta put forcing the issues aside, and know a way to get the job done right. Kudos.

Of course my parents have a reason why they are the way that they are. My mom was, and continues to allow herself to be, abused by her mom, as well as having major depressive disorders AND low intelligence on top of everything. My dad is an alcoholic who was raised by alcoholics and had a mom who raised him self-indulgently (he and his brothers were kings of the roost and could do no wrong). I'm not mean to my parents, I don't hate them, and I don't sit around wallowing about my parents. I don't blame them for being the way that they are. If they want to contact me, I am quite civil to them. But there is no love between us and my parents almost never contact me. I am an example of someone who has never had nurturing parental love. At the same time, I have no parental hatred. Their lives are their own.

And despite what you say, the fact that I have turned out as I have is due to me alone. My parents were an obstacle that I had to overcome. I ended the cycle because I am SMARTER and STRONGER. The older I get and the more experience I get, the more I can see just how much my parents failed. By societies standards, they were more successful than me. They had careers, a big house, etc etc. But as parents they failed. I am a failure by societies standards as I have no job, I am struggling in my 30's to finish school so I can get one, I had more kids than I could afford, etc etc. But as a parent I am a success.

It's not with disgust or anger that I see my parents, I KNOW that they had problems and did the best they could. But I can't MAKE my parents love me and I will not fall into the trap of wallowing around as an adult complaining on message boards that my parents don't love me or nurture me enough. I had to get over it.

So if you need to tell yourself that people who successfully overcome abusive parenting are just "lucky," go ahead. Maybe you are trying to make excuses for your own failures? I don't know. Why would you have to try and tear someone down like that? Someone who has been crippled by depression and severe social anxiety all my life, only to overcome it ON A DAILY BASIS to try and be a decent mom...but I'm just "lucky" that way I guess. Good for me. Kudos to me.

You don't know my parents, you don't know me, and you seem to have a problem with everything I say so I'll be sure not to post on any of your threads again.

Okay, not everything is 100% luck. But there's no denying that sometimes.....you just need to have some on your side. Sometimes, you just gotta take whatever luck you got, and build on that. Me I've had unsupportive parents, and many other non-parent negative factors in my life. All of it combined, being strong was useless. I did overcome a lot. And when it's all said and done, much of the help I got was not always necessarely from trying harder, but from finding and doing the right things. Some of those things required a lot of effort. Others required little to no effort. It was just a matter of doing things right.

So no I did not make anything up. I should have just been more specific that it's not always luck, but sometimes it is. I did not think you would take that personally like you did. But I'm not going to apologize for anything else, because I already explained myself. So go ahead and say that I'm a bad person and just ignore my posts from now on. I've explained myself and I can't do anything more than this. I don't have anything else that I should be sorry about.

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This is an interesting topic. I used to have a father that loved me unconditionally. He listened to me and cared when I was sad. My mother was a narcissistic wreck who leaned on me. Mostly she was normal and we lived a middle class lifestyle but she was always trampling my boundaries and everything was about her. I had to do well at everything because she liked how it made her feel important.

I married a man who is half my mother. He can be caring and compassionate but it's like he's two people. One side of him has to tear down everyone to make him feel better just like her.

My brother moved away and said my parents can't visit. I broke my ties a year ago. I said I would keep the relationship but on my terms with boundaries and consideration. So they decided they wouldn't talk to me anymore.

I'm so alone I feel every day like my heart will break of sheer loneliness and pain.

Although different you are so right about the damage an unhealthy relationship will do. I suspect my kids will hate me some day for hating their grandparents. Because life sucks like that.

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I'm glad you were able to find this forum! It seems like you are in a really tough spot and I can relate with some of what you say. Family issues are very tough. I feel the same way with me and my mother. Just accepted that how its going to be. I think some parents only over one extreme. Some can offer material things but no emotional support or vice versa and they get confused why their kid isn't happy. I commend you for taking care of yourself. People on her give a and we all try and understand each other. Its a great support system. I hope you find even more great support

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I'm glad you were able to find this forum! It seems like you are in a really tough spot and I can relate with some of what you say. Family issues are very tough. I feel the same way with me and my mother. Just accepted that how its going to be. I think some parents only over one extreme. Some can offer material things but no emotional support or vice versa and they get confused why their kid isn't happy. I commend you for taking care of yourself. People on her give a s*** and we all try and understand each other. Its a great support system. I hope you find even more great support

Thanks Icarus!

Family issues aren't just tough, they are situations that encourange passive-aggressiveness and intolerence, if you don't deal with them the right way. We live in a world where sometimes, you just aren't given a chance anywhere. Fortunately I had a bit of time to experience comfort, a few lucky breaks, and a few effective solutions to those needless problems. Even a bit of help from others, although it's also been a problem I needed to escape from as well.

Life is so sad, and so messed up. People go through too much, and are expected to perform non-stop always with a smile on their face. For years, I felt too depressed to get up to see a doctor. And when I finally get off my @$$ to see one, all I get is long waits, getting lost in the shuffle, and medications that cause nothing but negative feelings and side effects. It's just so messed up, and it's no wonder I still rely on fast food to put my mood up when I need it.

Edited by The_Unwanted
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