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Relationship Issues Trigger My Depression


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Hi,

Just a quick backstory. I lost my partner of six years almost 2 years ago. I am in a partnership with someone new now and we live together. We get along well for the most part. However, I get frustrated often because I feel as if he tries to control when we discuss our issues. Recently, he overreacted to something and then made me out to be a bad guy, saying things about me that I felt were unwarranted. As my former therapist suggested, I just let it go for the moment rather than just get more ticked off. The next day I had cooled down, and I asked if he had a few minutes to talk. He said he did, but as soon as I started talking about what happened, he said he was busy reading the paper, and refused to talk to me. Later that day, I re-engaged him and we ended up arguing, and he practically suggested we not be together. As I said, when I feel we need to talk, he always tries to control that. If it's morning, he will say 'I don't want to talk now. I like to have time to get my bearings and read the paper,' etc. If it's noon, he says he likes to have his noon-time to play his computer games and eat his lunch. Then at night, he doesn't want to talk about anything heavy before bedtime, and he likes to do his puzzles (he wont' even talk if he's doing the puzzle). Many times he will be awake in bed doing his puzzle and as soon as I come to bed, he's suddenly tired and can't stay awake to talk. He gets upset with me sometime if I try to talk about anything I'm going through.

I spent about a week in a deep depression lately because of this behavior. I feel as if a relationship should be more important than reading a newspaper or playing a game.

Tonight, he dropped a vegetable on the floor, rinsed it off, and was going to cook it, and I asked him not to. I'm kind of a germaphobe. He put it in to cook anyway, so I refused to eat the food. I tried later on to explain, but I feel as if he dismisses my fears about germs, even if I can show him evidence that you shouldn't eat dropped food. We've had other issues based around our differing ideas of cleanliness. It never gets anywhere. However, he had a major fit because I didn't clean something that came from Goodwill (a knicknack). I told him that he does more risky stuff to spread germs than that.

Anyway, it makes me anxious and depressed at times. I almost want to be alone, so that at least I can be responsible for my own cleanliness and well-being.

I get frustrated when I feel as if I can't communicate and be listened to, then the more frustrated I get about not being heard the more angry I become. By that time, nothing happens but angry arguments.

Edited by bh34465
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Did you mean "time away" as in just a day trip, or to move out? I have left for a couple of days before, but I have considered just moving out on my own.

Edited by bh34465
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So, here's the latest. I pretty much insulated myself from my partner. I stayed up until after he went to bed. I just existed with him with minimal interaction, kind of like roommates mostly. I mentioned earlier that he didn't want to hear my issues at night (or morning, or evening), and most of them were involving an outside activity I have been involved in. Others were his and my issues. Anyway, I tried NOT to talk about the outside issues, but every night when I came home he would ask. I would say, I'll talk about it tomorrow, but he would insist. Then, yesterday morning, I was talking about the outside issues, and he was snippy with me. I asked him about it and he said I was overwhelming him. I told him that I tried NOT to talk about the outside issues, but that he insisted. When I pointed out a home repair that needed to be done immediately because it was wasting energy and letting in cold air, he said I was "overwhelming" him.

Today, I tried to talk to him about helping me clean the house. I told him that I feel overwhelmed by things as well, one of them being the housecleaning. He said that it's a big house. I agreed, and said that it is (it's not THAT big), but if he helped out we could keep it cleaned. Then he accused me of trying to flip things on him, or match what he said, because I said I was overwhelmed. He got infuriated at me for suggesting that he take his taxes to an accountant instead of doing them himself. I don't think he knows what he is doing. He's spent countless hours doing them, and even told me at one point he was finished, but he's still working on it. He did the same thing last year and got all bent out of shape over it. So, I thought maybe it would be worth the money to have an accountant do it. Now I'm being accused of "wanting everything to be done MY way." I just put my car into the shop. Normally, I would have tried to do the work myself to save money, but I felt I didn't need the stress of it. He was really behind me doing that, but is offended that I suggest he use an accountant.

I'm so tired of feeling like just a housekeeper, and his refusal to clean. I clean because I like a clean house. He knows I'll clean because of that. If I don't clean, he still doesn't clean, and I don't want to live in a dirty house. I'm tired of hearing "you think you're perfect" or "you don't do anything wrong." I've spent the past 18 months trying to enjoy life again, and I don't need this.

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Another thing that happened was that I borrowed his car because mine was being repaired. I had asked if it had plenty of gas. I was going to put some in if not. When I left in it, it had a quarter of a tank. After I left from my function that evening, it was about 1/8 of a tank. So, I asked if that was about right for the distance I drove. He said someone must have siphoned gas while I had the car because he had filled the tank. I told him it only had 1/4 tank to begin with. He swore up and down that it was full and said someone stole gas while I was driving it. He then took the car and gassed it up and said that the trip counter said it had only been 25 miles since the last fill up. I told him there was no way because he would have noticed if he had filled up and the last time he drove there was only 1/4 tank. Turned out, the counter read 253 miles, not 25. It's the little trivial things constantly.

I've spent the past 18 months trying to enjoy life again. I'm involved with community theater now. I'm being social. I'm getting out more. I'm feeling better about myself. I don't need this.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

I don't know if I am just paranoid, but here's my thoughts about my relationship. Things were pretty crappy. I was going to move out and move on. My partner told me, after at first seemingly not caring, that he didn't want me to and that he cared for me and wanted things to work out. Coincidentally, it is just before we are scheduled to go to an event with his family. So, I'm thinking, maybe he just wanted to get things straight before then, so he could pretend everything is okay. Now, it is a couple weeks before we are go, and things are crappy again. I mentioned in other posts that he says he can't talk in the mornings because he needs time to get himself together, at lunch because he needs a rest period to play games on his computer, and at night because he's too tired. Now, he has started to get aggravated if I try to talk to him about anything at all at night, although he has just gone to bed; last night, he got aggravated because I touched him while he was trying to go to sleep, and then he got up right after that and went to look up something on his computer. Sometimes I don't like to cuddle when I'm going to sleep either, but a hand on me or footsies is fine. Then, he tells me we have all day for touching. Fine. But, he doesn't seem interested in it all day either. The only touching most of the time precedes sex. Now, I have no interest in going to this event with him because I feel like I have to fake things with us. He's so moody. You never know which one he is going to be. I have aches and pains, I deal with depression, but I make a great effort not to take anything out on him, or anyone else. It really brings me down when things go this way. I can't commit myself to someone when I don't know from one day to another how he feels about me.

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Oh, in answer to your other question, I was thinking a few days or a week or so..

One thing that helped us was we had family time after work, one person talked about what was on their mind and the other couldn't say anything until they were done. Then they could respond to that subject. Then the other took his turn to talk about whatever and the other couldn't interrupt. That was helpful to us.

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