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Beating Myself Up A Lot


Icarus21

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I have a tendency to be really hard on myself but its not why most people would presume. I am a perfectionist but its not that. Well maybe. All my life I had people constantly critique me and put me down. But it even went further than that. Even if something wasn't directly said to me I would and still take it to heart.

People go on about how no ones perfect and go at your own pace and I agree, but those days where I slow down it seems like people like to pick at me. I'm not really successful or anything or not a complete failure either. I feel like when you make a mistake it feels like everyone is looking at you are judging.

Some of that is the depression but other times I have experienced it. but this will bring me to what's happening recently. it is hard to be in college and be depressed. Even if your depression is under control it is still very hard. I feel like I have to meet the expectations of very healthy students. I don't really get bad grades and have near perfect attendance and do my work but there are sometimes I just cant keep up. I don't have a job, I am on SSI, I can't drive yet, don't have a car, and I am only in one school club for my major.

I know that is fine but I do have instances, mostly not directly where people who are well off say how others who have SSI are leeching off the Government and how they are lazy they don't work and all sorts of things after that. I can sympathize with their frustrations but then I take it to heart and feel guilty. I know I don't want to rely on SSI all my life. Heck no.

With where I am right now I am just overwhelmed and stressed and even scared to work in a public setting. I had others say I am making an excuse or implying that. I felt even more guilty. I was on YouTube and one guy said that people who are C or B students are stupid. I am a B student and took offense. I know they are wrong and that it shouldn't effect me but made me think of how dumb I was because I am not on the honor roll, not Acing every test, and not a know it all snob.

In a college setting people have a lot of expectations of you regardless if you are well or not. Most people do not understand the things I go through. I feel like I always have to push past my limits. Most days I am tired and extremely sluggish but I make it to every class and do the work. maybe minimum work sometimes but get it done.

I just wish I was allowed to struggle without some FAULT placed on me because I'm not trying enough causing me to be even more hard on myself. Just trying to hang in there.

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Hi Icarus21

You are being very hard on yourself without good reason so let up a bit and start to look at what is really the core problem here. We all make mistakes and this happens over and over again for most of use. We then learn what we can from that incident and we often can see what went wrong. In the future we take a different route in a similar situation so that we can get where we won't to go without making the same mistake again.

So look at your attitude and beliefs about yourself! Who are you believing in and trusting? You own views or other peoples secondhand judgements. Think about your own reputation to yourself. We all need to love ourselves unconditionally and accept that in our lives we will make mistakes and learn from them. Believe in you and your abilities. When you know you need to work or study a little harden make it a goal to do just that. When you get a B or a C congratulate yourself for passing as that is what you want.

Im my lifetime I have worked with A plus students and people who just scrape by, both got the same qualification in the end and in a career of their choice. Being happy in life with who you are and doing a job that you are going to love doing and feel passionate about is far more important than being 'perfect.' Right?

So carefully look at your responses to yourself and when you are being hard on yourself as Why? See where you got those feelings from in the past and then be determined to let it go and see it leave you physically. Distorted beliefs about how life should be and self critical can harm you feeling of love for yourself. So stop putting yourself down and focus on enjoying your study and the life you want to leave.

Depression will impact on your moods now and then but get past that by loving yourself unconditionally and being you own best friend.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow

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Jim Bow: Thank you so much for this! Its so hard breaking from the nasty cycle. I know it stemmed early from childhood. I need to let myself finally live because I at least deserve that to myself. I know where its coming from and believe it has to do with a trauma. It brings me to a really upsetting place.

I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I will read it as a guide when I feel this way. Thank you!

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You know well Icarus that you are indeed being hard on yourself. As for that vid or whoever said about B/C students, well whoopie doo for him ... he'll find out the hard way that having such an attitude will not help in the long run.

You may feel that you are doing a futile exercise with all your effort and why you aren't Acing it ... the ones that are Acing it aren't necessarily the most intelligent people but the most efficient and ruthless (giving the impression that they are thick as two planks but yet always have the past papers). Sure, if everything was going fine, yeah you might ace it, but holy sweet good god, to say you are coping and still achieving honours is an accomplishment and a half. And thats not brown-nosing ... you could have easily caved in and anyone would understand.

You are doing brilliant

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I would not ever be one to tell somebody to not excel or get good grades.

But in the corporate world these days, you will probably encounter some fancy catch words or phrases like "work-life balance".

Kind of means that virtually everyone these days recognizes that we not only have a work life (or school), but we have family obligations, too. And we typically need a break now and then to recharge.

Unless you've selected an ultra-competitive field where you need a 4.0 just to keep up and score a good job after school, I'd ask you how you feel ABOUT YOURSELF? Smart enough? B's good enough for your purposes - graduation, diploma, career? Then chill... there's always going to be someone smarter than you. Or who thinks he/she is. Let them work 90 hours a week, get ulcers, and die young. There's roses to be smelled. Sunsets to sit in awe of. Friends, family, love.

Balance. Aristotle's Doctrine of the Mean... "moderation in all things".

You're doing fine, it seems.

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Sorry it took me a while to respond. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging about what I accomplished. I don't want to feel like I am putting anyone down. I appreciate all your responses. Most of my life it is not common hearing such support and compliments like this. Its usually try harder, you can do better, you need to do *blank*, and etc. Its been a bit better now since I'm becoming more independent now. A big process but yeah those things I said stem from childhood. Ironically I get even madder when I can do the things people said I couldn't because it shows how much people don't have faith in me. I'm only 5 foot, I have a somewhat feminine voice for a guy, and I'm calm, but people say I'm sociable. I don't feel like I get taken seriously. I also have a lot of disabilities and things that hold me back which makes me have to put in twice the effort into things. I beat myself up because I cant do what's unrealistically expected of me. I was raised not to make mistakes and had high expectations on how to behave. Its also helped me a ton to be kind and work hard and take responsibility growing up but it was a lot of pressure. I'm not mad at my mother anymore. She really wanted the best for me. She didn't know how much she pushed me away but now I think we are making a lot of progress and she is one stubborn cookie!

Oh lastly, StoniumFrog I'm not in honors. I said I'm not on the honor roll and that some people think that people who aren't on the honor roll don't try hard enough. I know it just them trying to boost themselves up but hurts. Thank you for the compliments though. You have helped me sooooooo much. I need to repay you somehow.

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You are more than welcome Icarus,

It doesn't matter what grade or level you are at - from what I see, you are doing marvellous and really should look with some inkling of pride at what you have already achieved and use that as a reminder of your ability for the future. You can and you will go places and if ever you need a bit of help or reassurance of your strengths, we are always here.

Don't worry about repaying - you know well the forum is one where we help each other. In the future, you could be the voice of reason in my hour of need, so all what I will say to immediately repay us here is just keep up the great work and do keep us informed. Its good to see stories of progress :Coopclapping:

Edited by StoniumFrog
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I know very well what it is like to beat myself up. It really comes from early childhood, when we learned we weren't good enough. But we need to leave all that behind in order to heal. Yo can do it, Icarus. You are worthy, just by being human, just by walking and breathing. You are not hurting other people. That is a lot. Forget about good grades, holding a job while studying, or whatever the others think is important. If you would really value yourself, you wouldn't care what other people thought about you. It is the depression telling you "you are not good enough", but it's not reality. I think it is a big accomplishment to study at all and get Bs or Cs, when you are depressed. When I went to university, I barely passed my exams during my undergraduate studies. And I rarely ever attended lectures! I just hung out in my flat, in my pyjamas, not even showering. I didn't know that I had depression, then. I just felt I couldn't cope or structure my life at all. I still can't structure my life, 10 years later, but I'm learning to accept myself like that.

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I am very prone to beating myself up. From my therapy sessions, I realized that I am doing the same ting that those bullies did to me back in my K-12 days. That was pretty mind blowing to me since I hated how I was treated then. I also realized that beating myself up was an automatic behavior, I usually do not realize what I am doing until well after it occurs. It is very difficult to catch myself. I think the hope is that I catch myself before I start. That will probably take a while.

I suppose it is a big step to realize that you are doing this in the first place. Now that you are aware, you can work on changing the behavior. I am at the point where I am at least reflecting on those behaviors. Now, I am creating and carrying around "positive affirmations" to pull out and read when I beat the crap out of myself (in my mind). I am not sure how that will work out for me (I have to work on "believing" those affirmations as well), but maybe you can give those a try. I hope that you will find them helpful.

I can also give you a bit of advice, as someone who teaches at the college level. Getting Bs and Cs does not make one stupid. Those letter grades do not correspond to "failing". In fact, a B means that you performed significantly above what an "average" student achieves. Which is pretty good. A C means your performance was "average". That is not bad either. I teach general chemistry, which is a pre-requisite for many pre-professional programs (pre-med for example). Normally, most of my classes of 250+ students receive B or C grades. Last semester was unusual in that most of my students earned a B grade. Which is phenomenal. I also don't think that average performance is bad either. A C in general chemistry (or on one exam) won't destroy your chance at med. school nor does it mean you are "stupid". I have this talk with many of my students, who come in believing that anything that is not an A is horrible and means that they are stupid if they earn anything below an A. It is simply not true at all. I try to be encouraging and caring towards my students because I understand how this feels and want to help alleviate some of their worries. Too bad I don't follow my own advice huh?!

I wish you a lot of luck as you work on trying to get through these feelings.

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I can also give you a bit of advice, as someone who teaches at the college level. Getting Bs and Cs does not make one stupid. Those letter grades do not correspond to "failing". In fact, a B means that you performed significantly above what an "average" student achieves. Which is pretty good. A C means your performance was "average". That is not bad either. I teach general chemistry, which is a pre-requisite for many pre-professional programs (pre-med for example). Normally, most of my classes of 250+ students receive B or C grades. Last semester was unusual in that most of my students earned a B grade. Which is phenomenal. I also don't think that average performance is bad either. A C in general chemistry (or on one exam) won't destroy your chance at med. school nor does it mean you are "stupid". I have this talk with many of my students, who come in believing that anything that is not an A is horrible and means that they are stupid if they earn anything below an A. It is simply not true at all. I try to be encouraging and caring towards my students because I understand how this feels and want to help alleviate some of their worries. Too bad I don't follow my own advice huh?!

I wish you a lot of luck as you work on trying to get through these feelings.

Great advice there from tami83.

Tami83 - you'll probably agree also that the students who do get the B's or C's (with a few A's) are more "rounded" in general than the top of the class, nothing else matters student. That could be just my view though.

Icarus - Keep going. You are doing excellent. A practical step. Have you thought of what you would like to do after college? Why not actually suss out whether or not, based on grades, that you could be a realistic candidate. The College Careers Office could do that. Remove some of the uncertainty

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I hope this helps. When I was younger I saw many incompetent doctors which cost the tax payers lots of money. Finally, when I found a competent doc my life improved and I have been contributing to society through high income taxes. I pay approx. thirteen thousand each year to the Government. Maybe one day you will be able to repay some of the money. That's how I look at it.


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Duck I'm confused. I have medical insurance so a lot of my medical situations are covered. And I don't think I will go back to medication again unless I'm sure the facility will treat its patience with care.

StoniumFrog: Planning the future is both exciting but extremely terrifying. I only ever had one job and I am an introvert working in an extroverted field. I hope to work after I get my bachelors degree to get some more experience and practicing more on getting myself ready for the real world and then go to Grad school if it will help me more.

Thanks unwanted. I agree too!

Tami you are so unlike some professors who exude an aura of arrogance. Its refreshing to have someone who understands and doesn't put other students down. That means a lot coming from a college professor.

Thanks for sharing your story Matyrgirl! I'm sorry you had a rough time. I couldn't imagine going through depression in college without knowing you had it. Sounds scary....

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