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Scared Of Getting Better


mellabella

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I'm feeling so confused as to why I'm scared of feeling better. Am I just being stupid and attention seeking?

I've had depression since I was 14 but have only been getting treatment the last year or so (im 26). I have a brilliant psychiatrist and psychologist. I was an inpatient at a fabulous private hospital over Christmas and it was so helpful.

I'm feeling down atm (possibly because I have my period) but I've noticed when I have a good patch my Dr won't care about me anymore. (I have pretty major attachment issues and my Dr is so nice) For so long when I was mildly and moderately depressed I had very little support and its only since I've been really ill and s***dal that I've gotten professional help.

It's the in between part that I can't go back to, struggling along by myself. I have seen a big improvement in my mood with this last med adjustment but I'm terrified. Who the f***k am I when I'm not depressed?! And will it last or will I just come back down again?

I can't imagine working full time, exercising and socialising... it all looks like way too much effort. Is that just part of the depression talking? Will I want to do those things naturally or will it always be like I'm dragging a huge weight along behind me. I have no adult experience of being well to draw on as a reference point. I feel so silly but I'm so scared.

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Only time will tell, but you can't let fear control your life especially if you're starting to come out of depression. Take it a day at a time, take it easy and most of all take it easy on yourself you've come a huge way and shown great strength so far don't stop now. n_n

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No worries. If he's a caring person then yes he will still care about you although his concern will obviously be more focused on those that need him more. It doesn't make you any less important, in fact I'm sure it makes him happy to know he's helped someone out.

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Hey Mellabella!

To me, it seems that there are two factors contributing to this fear. One being that you have identified yourself with depression and two, that you imagine the difficulty of a happier mindset to be equal to, or worse than that of a depressed one.

You have been depressed for a very long time. It seems natural for that to become a part of your identity. It also seems natural for the difficulty of depression to spill over into your view of the future. I can tell you that everything becomes far easier when you are not depressed, which is why it seems that so many non-depressed people are able to do more. it's because depression is a very difficult time that requires a lot of rest. It would be hard for anyone to manage depression. It's a tough, tough battle. When you break free from depression, things will happen more naturally. It still requires a lot of effort to maintain our lives, but you will be able to handle it. It will seem far easier.

When you get out of this depression, you will still be you. Depression is just one part of you. Every cell in your body is just as much a part of you as your brain. You still have your thoughts, awareness, body, memories, and everything else. Without depression, you are still collectively you. You're not going to lose yourself. In fact, you're probably going to FIND yourself. I liken depression to a fog. It blocks out and blurs so much of life and of who you really are. You will be so happy to have it behind you.

As far as working, exercising, socializing, and anything else, it will become so much easier for you when you are not depressed. Depression is enormously difficult. It's also highly deceptive. Things will be much easier. You'll be able to go about life with much more ease. It doesn't mean things won't be challenging, but you'll be able to meet those challenges with a smile and dive right in. When you know how to handle things properly, life will flow naturally. You may get down at times, but that's natural. We all go through pain. But you will have tools on your side to prevent a depression from occurring again.

As someone who has gone through depression and reached the other side, I will tell you that the happiness you feel when you come out of it will make it all worth it. Life changes in a way that can't be adequately described. You will see a whole new wonderful world.

Thank you for reading. Best wishes!

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No, you're not being stupid. I've felt this way, especially during a depressive episode. It seems like depression just swallows you up and there's nothing of the "real" you left. Like it's the only thing you'll ever be for the rest of your life. BUT, a Writer2451 said, depression lies and makes you believe it is all too much work and not worth the effort. Eventually you will feel better and it won't seem like you're dragging this huge weight around with you.

Also, for me at least, being depressed was something familiar and known, so it was "safe" in a way. Being happy was uncomfortable and awkward, didn't feel "natural" to me. That is just the depression talking though.

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Just wanted to re-iterate the issue of identity, I think it's important. When you've been depressed for years and years, it becomes part of your identity. When comtemplating the remission of depression, there may be feelings of being undefined, incomplete. My personal experience, anyway.

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Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. It makes sense that since I'm still in depression it will colour the way I see the future.

Saros are you able to say a bit more about the incomplete feeling?

Thanks everyone fr understanding & for making me feel less weird.

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Only that after living with depression for so many years, it's part of how I define myself, consciously and probably unconsciously. Losing that depression feels like losing an important part of myself - without it I don't feel complete. I don't really know who I would be without depression. Redefining myself in the absence of depression sounds strange and difficult.

At least, that's the sense I've gotten during a few periods of relative reprieve.

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Yes that makes sense. Same here... it has shaped me for better or worse. There are good things that have come out of it like depth, empathy, authenticity and a passion for mental health. Not to make it sound like a walk in the past but yeah it is a big part of me too. But from what you said it sounds like it comes and goes anyway. I don't have to go ok now I'm all better back to 100% functioning! I have a tendency to do that until i really can't go on.

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