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Paranoid Ex Friend, Accuses Stalking


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Hi all, I've had an ongoing problem that has left me very depressed, I've been having councilling for months. Basically I was very good friends with a single girl and used to spend a lot of time with her, most days running etc. my girlfriend was jealous, which I can understand. My friend went abroad for three several months and while she was away, I went half way round the world to visit her. While she was away I once called at her house to make sure it was ok, she went up the wall and from this point on she started to dissolve the friendship. I tried to explain that I was trying to help, but she thought I'd been snooping. I had done lots of things for her, odd jobs, car repairs and taken her things while she was out of the country and always tried to be the best friend I could. She gradually cut me out of online games etc and when she returned to the country made excuses not to see me. This hurt me so much. She then said I could only see her when my girlfriend was present, which made running impossible. When I asked her to order me something online she refused, this made me angry so I pointed out all the things I'd done for her. She then told me I'd upset her and stopped replying to my messages. In the last three months I've sent her 10 messages which she has ignored, non threatening, most asking why she'd done this to me or explaining how she'd hurt me, the other couple were asking if she wanted possessions back. I notice yesterday that I'd been deleted by her on a training app, so I sent a message saying why and that we'd talk about it when we met. I received a message saying not to contact her in anyway and if I did she would be forced to take action, it was very threatening and also upsetting for me as she said I'd made her feel unsafe, which is the last thing I ever wanted. I will not contact her now, but we live quite close and will bump into each other and I have so many things that I want to say mostly, how could you be so cold. Why is it that this person can hurt me time after time, deliberately and I feel powerless to fight back, I can't say or do anything, I feel beaten, hurt, used yet I don't hate her, I want her to be happy. All I seem to be able to do is obey her wishes and let her control me. I need to feel equal. I think she is paranoid, as I'm a helpful kind person, but she is worried about me and I don't want that. I'm asking for advice, but I can't see any options, here's hoping, because I feel in a corner, with no hope and worried about bumping into her and causing her to report me.

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Hi all, I've had an ongoing problem that has left me very depressed, I've been having councilling for months. Basically I was very good friends with a single girl and used to spend a lot of time with her, most days running etc. my girlfriend was jealous, which I can understand. My friend went abroad for three several months and while she was away, I went half way round the world to visit her. While she was away I once called at her house to make sure it was ok, she went up the wall and from this point on she started to dissolve the friendship. I tried to explain that I was trying to help, but she thought I'd been snooping. I had done lots of things for her, odd jobs, car repairs and taken her things while she was out of the country and always tried to be the best friend I could. She gradually cut me out of online games etc and when she returned to the country made excuses not to see me. This hurt me so much. She then said I could only see her when my girlfriend was present, which made running impossible. When I asked her to order me something online she refused, this made me angry so I pointed out all the things I'd done for her. She then told me I'd upset her and stopped replying to my messages. In the last three months I've sent her 10 messages which she has ignored, non threatening, most asking why she'd done this to me or explaining how she'd hurt me, the other couple were asking if she wanted possessions back. I notice yesterday that I'd been deleted by her on a training app, so I sent a message saying why and that we'd talk about it when we met. I received a message saying not to contact her in anyway and if I did she would be forced to take action, it was very threatening and also upsetting for me as she said I'd made her feel unsafe, which is the last thing I ever wanted. I will not contact her now, but we live quite close and will bump into each other and I have so many things that I want to say mostly, how could you be so cold. Why is it that this person can hurt me time after time, deliberately and I feel powerless to fight back, I can't say or do anything, I feel beaten, hurt, used yet I don't hate her, I want her to be happy. All I seem to be able to do is obey her wishes and let her control me. I need to feel equal. I think she is paranoid, as I'm a helpful kind person, but she is worried about me and I don't want that. I'm asking for advice, but I can't see any options, here's hoping, because I feel in a corner, with no hope and worried about bumping into her and causing her to report me.

Do yourself a big favor and keep your distance at all costs. You don't need a harassment and stalking charge against you on top of a restraining order. This woman appears to be dangerous and unpredictable. With her threatening your freedom and criminal record (the "victim" always wins unless you buy a good lawyer) she has betrayed you.

From what you describe it does not seem to me that you are deliberately trying to annoy her or cause her stress, but on paper, she could probably make it look much different.

You can not help this person and should sever yourself from her immediately. I know that you are going through the pain of missing her, but it is not worth the consequences to contact her again so please resist the urge. Until then, stay active, post here and help others, and take care of yourself. Throw away your keepsakes of her, if you can, and try to delete her from your life. She may have made a hollow threat, but do you really wasnt to take that chance?

You are on the edge of trouble my friend. PM me if you need extra support as I have been involved in similar situations.

Edited by Shattered Soldier
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However hurt and betrayed you feel, I doubt that was her intention. And while you feel you are being controlled, I would guess by her threat she feels quite out of control as well. Without going in to who is to "blame", what is justifiable behavior, and whether she's actually paranoid or not, it is clear you crossed her comfort boundaries. Whether those boundaries are defensible or not, you'll have to respect them, for your own sake as well as hers. In a similar situation I would advise my friend to let go immediately, including figuring out how to let go of personal feelings and the need to feel "equal". I imagine it will take some time. Best of luck.

Edited by Saros
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