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Any Point To These Forums For A Sociopath/narcissist? - Might Be Awkward To Read.

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Hi. Let me start off that I was not born a stone cold. I am 15, and I used to be really empathetic towards everyone and everything. When I was younger, I used to live in Europe. Living in Europe, I saw people often using the urinals in the nude. I was only 4, but I still thought it was weird to expose yourself like that. So instead of undressing at the urinal, I would undress at the stall. When I moved back to America, my dad told me that I needed to learn how to use the urinal (Of course, he thought I instinctively thought people did things differently in America). Now, my mom is a strict Christian and decided to enroll me in a Christian school of 20 people per grade. Anyways, I "needed to learn how to use the urinal" but I was too ashamed to ask my dad how. So I waited until 4th grade, which was a big mistake. Not knowing how to use the urinal, let's just say I embarrassed myself. Being a small school, rumors spread fast and develop rapidly. Pretty soon, people thought I was a pervert just because of that. Being a Biotch, my sister supported these rumors to become popular. At home, she constantly lied to my parents while taking advantage of me by constantly verbally abusing me. My parents didn't believe me and my sister enjoyed breaking me down to tears everyday. In 6th grade, I had become so stressed that I actually developed a nerve disorder (postural orthostatic trachycardia Syndrome), well rather, I had just made the symptoms a lot worse. In sixth grade, some new kids joined my school and I managed to make friends with them, despite having 0 social skills. However, they were not very close friends, and later abandoned me to become more popular. During sixth and seventh grade my symptoms from my nerve disorder got progressively worse due to stress. It didn't help that my parents never believed a word I said about me being bullied, when they finally did, they gave me the wrong advice (it didn't sound right, but they made me take their advice anyways, which was to "turn the other cheek".) After my friends abandoned me, I was basically shunned and everywhere I went people would start whispering, saying things like "Look, it's the pervert", or saying I had a v****a, or basically the worse thing they could think of. People would make up things just for the heck of it, and because I was so shunned it wouldn't have done me any good to confront them. In eighth grade, I finally managed to convince my parents to let me homeschool myself. During the next year, I gradually managed to convince my parents that I had a disease which was causing pain and fatigue. I had about 36 doctors appointments where they either misdiagnosed me with anxiety disorders ( even though Insisted that that wasn't it), called me crazy, or basically just said I had a classic case of "teenage rebellion". Finally, I got an appointment at Mayo Clinic in Rochester to try to figure out what this disease was. The doctor ordered a test and it turned out that I had postural orthostatoc tachycardia syndrome. The doctor recommended me for a pain rehab program -pain being literal, so I went to that program. Once there, I met other kids that had painful diseases like me and listened to them share their stories. As I listened, I compared my past to their past and realized that I didn't feel the least bit sympathetic, as they hadn't undergone any of the social horrors that I had, and realized that to try to remain sane during my time at the Christian school, I had hardened myself. At the pain rehab center, I was irritated of the attention and sympathy that the other kids were getting. I also noticed that I had developed a form of bipolar disorder which probably was a result of my experience at that " Christian" school. I had been so deprived of interactions with people that I began to have imaginary conversations with people inside my head when I become mad, anxious, or nervous towards that person in real life. Well, maybe it's just an extreme anxiety disorder and not bipolarness... Anyways, I am currently in 9th grade in public school and have managed to actually fit in a little bit (even though people turn to me when they want to make fun of someone), but still have to deal with high levels of stress and anxiety and sometimes depression on a daily basis. I was surfing the web to try to gain insight for what might help me with my anxiety and depression and came across this forum. Does this community accept people who may not give back? And what is the point of this website? P.s, I am more knowledgeable than my parents in most areas of (teenage) life and often wish that I didn't have a family and just lived in the wilderness away from civilization and my family. P.s.s, sorry of this has been a difficult, awkward, or personal read by my venting.

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Welcome to the forums. The forum is here to provide support for people struggling with mental illness.

Unless a psychologist has classified you as a sociopath, I think it's too early to use labels like that. Struggling with not feeling sympathy doesn't make you a sociopath. Using defensive mechanisms to avoid feeling hurt (or sympathy) seems like a understandable response given the history you describe.

Same comments re: narcissicist. I've met one diagnosed narcissicist, and that label is not applied easily.

Labels can pathologize without offering tools for improvement .

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Hello and welcome to the forum.

I find the members here to be very supportive and understanding towards everyone.

You can be yourself here, we don't judge and try to offer helpful advice.

IMO, bullies are the ones who have a problem. It's their insecurities that cause them to put other people down. You're only 15 and haven't learned how to deal with people who reflect their own problems onto other's. You will find people like this through out your lifetime and you can't let it affect you in a negative way.

Depression and anxiety is difficult to deal with, but you appear to be very intelligent and already have great insight, as to what is going on.

Please continue to post, I know there are many people here with similar experiences and are more then happy to help you!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi, CoolKid. I'm new here myself. After reading your blog, I have to say, I can somewhat relate to you. Let me start by saying I have never lived outside of the U.S., but I didn't need to to have the kids I grew up and went to school with look and treat me as an outsider. I had friends, or who I thought were friends that either grew bored with our friendship or decided I wasn't worth the time. I mean they flat out said, out of the blue one day, yeah, I don't think we can hang out anymore. Teachers who treated students who weren't learning fast enough as losers. Oh yes, an adult telling a child, you are useless and will amount to nothing. Who lets these people into our school systems? No one believed me either. Granted I had no siblings, but when you're a kid, I guess it can be easier as an adult to just think it's in their heads. As a result, I rarely spoke to anyone for a long time in school, hated school and couldn't wait to get out of there. Reunions? Yeah, I'll pass.

So what is the point of my long, sorted story? I graduated, went on to continue my education, found out who I really was and found my voice. Yes, I still come across adults who attempt to treat me as others did so long ago. But they are stopped in their tracks because I will no longer let those get to me. It is them who I feel sorry for.

I am now a 40 something adult, who is confident, not arrogant and have done well for myself. I think all those years of being held down now allow me as an adult to have compassion for others who are going through the same thing.

Hold your head high, CoolKid.

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