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Not Necesseraly Suicidal, But Hate Everything


Mr Shadow

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Hello, I'm 25 and I wanted to die as long, as I can remember - I mean since early childhood 6-8 or whatever. I wasn't abused/whatever, it's just that this world always seemed "not right" to me. I feel kinda like living in a matrix. I hate sleeping, hate eating, hate lust/sex, hate socializing with other people (don't even know why I'm posting here, since I have little respect to other peoples opinions and not able of feeling empathy to anyone myself) in general. I end up wearing "masks" in public, which work, but don't really help the situation, as it ends up just feeding my massive ego and feeling that I'm one of the few, able to see, how messed up the universe really is. I never had a friend and never really cared for anyone else and I don't expect I will.

The only thing I like in this world is creation. I like writing/imagining things, creating better worlds. Worlds without lust, without envy, without pain, lack, death. But I know I would never be able to live of it. Not in my country. Not anywhere probably. Nobody cares about talent anymore. I look at all the movies/games/anime/books which come out these days and 99.9 % of them are just uninspired cliche nonsense, I could write better stuff in my sleep. It's not about being good, it's all about knowing the right people and being in the right place at the right time.

So I'm stuck in a job I don't care about for 75 % of my spare time and I can't quit, because I need food/place to sleep (things which I hate), the remaining time is spent raging over all the noise, because after changing three apartments via noisy neighbors more than a month of silence is apparently too much to ask, as I now have someone renovating upstairs apartment for 24/7 for over a three months now (constant drilling, hammering, whatever (seriously, three months, it's a two bedroom apartment, what are they doing there?!)).

I probably actually feel more homicidal over all the noise than I feel suicidal atm. Mostly just feel bored. Bored of people, bored of all the routine, bored of this world in general, bored of being human. There's nothing to strive to, nothing to achieve, nothing to accomplish. Just go day after day, year after year, people say it gets better, well it doesn't. I wanted to die at the age of 6 and I want to die now, at least when I was 6, I had free time, to write short stories and draw comics, well, say to that goodbye. Meh, each new day is pretty much the worst day in my life.

If you think, that I need to talk to someone, well, 1 I'm doing it now aren't I?, 2 I won't call any hotlines, because I hate phone conversations, 3 I very much doubt that I will ever find someone, who can relate to me, so I don't want anyone to pretend that they can. All this suicide prevention crap grows from a personal fear of death anyways, I studied psychology myself for a while, so I know why and where certain feelings are coming from. It's pretty much a shot in the dark. I'm writing all this for myself, so might as well post it, for the hell of, right? You might never know, lol.

So, anyone has any toughs, how I could improve my situation? Anything I'm missing? I hate everything, not because I'm suffering from some mental illness, but because I took every single thing about life and came to the same conclusion about all of them - nothing matters, everything is fake and pointless. True happiness/love doesn't exist, not between humans, it's all just chemicals in your brains, it's all just the same old cycle of life. Human is no different from any other animal, we're all just slaves, it's a hopeless position to be in, but it's the truth. You can ignore it, say that everything's miraculous and happiness is a matter of the perspective, but I feel that you're just fooling yourselves.

Life sucks and then you die. That's the truth.

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Hey shadow,

I absolutely can relate to pretty much everything you said, but I am just another unspectacular human being going along with what we call "life." At the same time, while I completely agree there is no true happiness/love/etc., to feel bored is understandable but might signify another chemical phenomena in our brains - depression. Maybe yours stems more from intellectual, objective rumination. Or maybe it's not depression but understanding cold, hard truths about the world, like you said. Either way, even you have expressed interest and some form of excitement over creating new things. I think as a human being, it is delusional to believe many of the optimistic things which you mentioned, but one can't deny the infinite amount of concepts, interests, creations that can be found and manifested. Some would say that is a trait unique to humans, but I'm sure we can find this in many animals as well, and we're just another mindless piece of the animal kingdom. So what if life is fake and meaningless when we boil down to the bottom of it all. I think everyone really does know this, and some kid themselves and some find some way to draw meaning from their lives. Why not **** ourselves? Well, we could. That's a choice I believe everyone has a right to make. But you don't have to deny the absurdity of life to gain something from it. Make something from nothing. Draw your comics and write your alternative universes and whatnot. Does it always have to be published for someone else or is it really for you? Life is already meaningless, so what do you have to lose? Find another, possibly less unbearable job or moving someplace where you don't want to split your skull open from the noise. I, myself have had the worst luck with finding places to live, you wouldn't even believe what I've been through. Anyways, I do feel empathy for people, although question the truth behind those emotions at times, but I understand your boredom and frustration with life and the people in it. I'm not afraid of death and in fact long for it often, but while I am alive I've come to the conclusion that life is not about changing your perspective but seeing it as it is and still going forward with your own choices for "happiness' and "meaning" in life. Who cares if it is fake and an abstraction. I do believe life sucks and then you die, but their is something to be gained through all the empty bs and before the end. What that is is up to you. Keep creating. Add something to this messed up world instead of detracting from it, even if no one else cares.

Sorry I couldn't have been more helpful. We're all swimming along here, and sometimes barely.

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Hey shadow,

I absolutely can relate to pretty much everything you said...

That's a pretty nice reply, thanks. I think my biggest problem is being forced to do things I hate and don't care about for >90 % of my time. When I'm left alone with my illusions, I can actually be pretty happy, but then, the human nature and pressure of society kicks in and alongside with them comes depression and despair. I wish I could crawl up some abandoned cave and stay there forever. I was thinking about life in a monastery for a bit, which technically could work, the problem however is that I'm a devout anti-thesit, most of it stems from, that even if there is a god, I would probably just hate everything even more, because if he exists, then he did a pretty horrible job with this universe, I'm more content of thinking that my life sucks because of having a bad luck, being born into such a pointless world, rather than my life sucking because it's some kind of a cruel joke, designed by a demented deity. End result is pretty much the same though. I think I'm not as suicidal as I could be, because, as you mentioned yourself, in the context of a pointless world, even death is pretty meaningless, so I might as well stick around for few more years and see if I can make my existence as a human a little more bearable.

Cheers

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I was going to post something very similar, because I just want a peaceful place to escape with my thoughts, a place better than this twisted world. Society is very rough on us creative types, because we have to work hard at a day job, and then work extra hard if we ever want our artwork to go anywhere. It's really depressing. I was going to be a graphic designer, until I realized how creatively straining the field is. You're more of the tool and less of the creator.

Also, like you, I'm very introverted, and prefer to keep to myself and not deal with anyone- especially when it comes to putting on an act. There are very few people I can open up to, only those who are genuine can be my friends.

Unlike you, I love sex, but can't get any lately because I'm so introverted and am unemployed. I only like sex if it involves someone I love though, which makes the situation extra hard. On rare occasions I appreciate food. And I like sleep but have grown to hate it because I hate waking up.

At least you don't have sleep apnea! (I assume or else you'd have mentioned it). Try being creative and growing up with sleep apnea, it sucks!

Edited by Kabuto
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I think what makes me different from most cases is that I, as I said, have a huge ego and I mean HUGE. While I hate human body and most of it's functions I tend to distance my inner self from it, view it as some sort of a vessel I'm trapped in. While I hate interacting with people I don't get nervous or anxious while doing so - I don't have much trouble speaking in front of crowds, I don't have much trouble talking to strangers f.e. it's just that I genuinely like being alone and find most people boring and too caught up into their materialistic existences I couldn't care less about.

In short - I don't like "the game" itself, not the way I'm playing it.

Honestly, I don't have an answer but I am curious how you came to your conclusions.

Well, I could write a hundred page book about any specific subject, but a lot of it comes down to being a puppet to your nature and society. People hide between such hyperboles as f.e. "love," like it's something magical and special, when such thing by definition can not exist between humans. It's all about the same thing it was millions of years ago. It's all about survival and reproduction. You could put two random subjects, with same orientation in an enclosed space and given enough time they'll "fall in love" with each other. Everything is predefined. Universe is a dead empty place. Life of a slave/puppet is pointless and meaningless. You can not "win" at life, we all lose in the end, no matter what you accomplish it all fades in the eternity of time. That's how I see it and that's how I came to hate it.

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  • 1 month later...

A person with a huge ego, is it? Do you dislike / not care about Anything? Do you really hate all these replies, aswell? Have you ever considered this a "bad karma"? All the wrong you do, comes back to you, sometimes with interest. We all die, for sure, but life doesn't suck if you don't want it to. You say you have studied psychology and understand where your emotions come from? Well, is that it? You just lean back, thinking you know for sure that you can't do anything about it? Don't tell me you have tried, for sure you have, but you certainly haven't tried enough - if you think life's a vacation you are gonna have to get your dictionary fixed up where they define "life". I am very picky with you, since that is the way to deal with "big egos" - in my eyes, though, you don't have much ego. Ego comes with pride and you have very little of it.

My thoughts and possible advice to you would be to practice socialising. Do not accept by default that some book or person or website told you that you can't do anything about it. That is not ego at all.1 Start with your neighbors and ask them "what the hell up with your renovations? How long will yous be?" 2 Exercise and have your meals with more than 1 or 2 colours in them. 3 Give yourself the benefit of the doubt about what you, up until the moment, thought you knew. Pride and ego is not the same as prejudice, my friend.

Take it easy.

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I think it's odd you completely dismiss love and happiness, because it's "just chemical", but seem to de facto celebrate hate as the default position, despite that it is also "just chemical".

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A person with a huge ego, is it? Do you dislike / not care about Anything? Do you really hate all these replies, aswell? Have you ever considered this a "bad karma"? All the wrong you do, comes back to you, sometimes with interest. We all die, for sure, but life doesn't suck if you don't want it to. You say you have studied psychology and understand where your emotions come from? Well, is that it? You just lean back, thinking you know for sure that you can't do anything about it? Don't tell me you have tried, for sure you have, but you certainly haven't tried enough - if you think life's a vacation you are gonna have to get your dictionary fixed up where they define "life". I am very picky with you, since that is the way to deal with "big egos" - in my eyes, though, you don't have much ego. Ego comes with pride and you have very little of it.

My thoughts and possible advice to you would be to practice socialising. Do not accept by default that some book or person or website told you that you can't do anything about it. That is not ego at all.1 Start with your neighbors and ask them "what the hell up with your renovations? How long will yous be?" 2 Exercise and have your meals with more than 1 or 2 colours in them. 3 Give yourself the benefit of the doubt about what you, up until the moment, thought you knew. Pride and ego is not the same as prejudice, my friend.

Take it easy.

Just because I have a big ego, doesn't mean I'm an ass to people, lol, where have you seen it in my post? O.o I have never truly "wronged" anyone, unless they "wronged" me first.

Pretty sure you're trying to be harsh to prove something, but you're barking on the wrong tree.

Having a big ego doesn't equal having no moral standards, it's just that I put my opinion and views first and I am my own harshest judge.

I think it's odd you completely dismiss love and happiness, because it's "just chemical", but seem to de facto celebrate hate as the default position, despite that it is also "just chemical".

I don't really understand what you mean. I do not "celebrate hate." The things is, that I believe that my definition of "love" is very different than other peoples. I DO feel love, I'm a creator and I love every one of my creations, it is perfect, it has no end, it's the only thing I truly care about and the only thing that keeps me going, where can you find something like that in the human world? Man "loves" a woman because he's supposed to, because he needs to make babies with her. Parent feels "love" for his offspring because it carries his/her genes. Both of these are finite and conditional. In the contrast of perfect love any kind of conflict is impossible, any kind of argument can not happen, because it is not created by predefinitions, it is not controlled by your gender, lust, pleasure or anything else.

My big ego comes from refusal to compromise with this world. Perfection is what I want and if I need to create a world of my own in my head to get it, that's just what I'll have to do.

My hate comes from the need to struggle, from the need to fight against my human nature and this world to get what I want.

I know that what I'm writing right now somewhat differs from what I've written in my original post, but it was over a month and I was particularity down at that moment. I still hold the same beliefs, but I would word some things differently, because I do not "hate everything," I rather do not like most what this HUMAN world has to offer, because everything I like comes from within and directly contradicts the rules of society and human nature.

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I don't really understand what you mean. I do not "celebrate hate." The things is...

I don't mean 'celebrate' in the literal sense. It would have been better if I had said 'indulge' - as in you freely indulge in hating things, but dismiss true love/happiness as "chemical". To me, in the OP, your willingness to engage with one emotion is contradictory with your readiness to dismiss another emotion. Your premise for dismissal applies to both.

But, as you say, it was over a month ago, and maybe things have evolved a little. Glad you're not so down anymore.

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I don't really understand what you mean. I do not "celebrate hate." The things is...

I don't mean 'celebrate' in the literal sense. It would have been better if I had said 'indulge' - as in you freely indulge in hating things, but dismiss true love/happiness as "chemical". To me, in the OP, your willingness to engage with one emotion is contradictory with your readiness to dismiss another emotion. Your premise for dismissal applies to both.

But, as you say, it was over a month ago, and maybe things have evolved a little. Glad you're not so down anymore.

Well, again, maybe hate was too strong of a word to use. I don't think that my core views are emotion - based, though they may become somewhat exaggerated when I hit particular low.

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