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MoppyGirlie

My Partner Left Me During A Depressive Episode And Wants Me Back

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I was hoping someone could give me some opinions on this because I feel completely lost and confused.


During a period of very high stress on him previously wonderful Fiance told me he didn't love me any more and left me. I was completely devastated but he turned into a cruel and cold stranger overnight.


He refused to see or speak to me for about a week (he said he was in a bad place). When I finally saw him, he was crying all the time, he showed no compassion or normal emotions, he had stomach problems, the skin peeled off of his face a little (like eczema?), he had headaches, chest pains...he was not in a good state.


I suggested he saw a doctor but he said he was fine and just needed to be alone. He said there was no hope for us, but he gave no real reason at all. He eventually realised he had a problem and is now being treated for a severe depressive episode.


I am very confused over what to do, because he says he regrets what he did and wants me to stand by him, but his behavior is still very strange sometimes and often upsetting and he is still nothing like the man I fell in love with.


I am staying long distance from him (I was so devastated I went home to my parents) and he has made the effort to visit me and he calls, texts or Skypes every day now. We are making slow progress but it is up and down.


One week he cries all the time, he says he loves me very much. The next week he says he feels nothing and he seems almost "happy" but in a giddy sort of way that seems very false. He makes nasty jokes and his personality seems like a different person. He says it is his medication?


I know he is very sick and he is making an effort to connect with me, but I still feel very alone and disconnected from him. I feel worried that he left me because he didn't love me. I am really afraid of any more hurt.


Can someone with experience of this sort of illness let me know if it can convince a person that they don't love their partner? Can it make you be cold and selfish?


I want to be there for him, but he really hurt me so much and was so horrible to me that I feel a bit scared. I can't talk to him because he says his emotions are blunted completely at the moment. Before all this, I would have bet my life that this man was madly in love. He was so kind and devoted to me.



Please help


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I'm not sure what this could be. Depression? bi-polar? A mix of things? I wouldn't go any further than the skype calls at the very best. That way you can support him, but he really needs to get some help. Perhaps you could offer him resources for that. Otherwise, I wouldn't work on rekindling the relationship just yet.

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Thanks Phantastic. The doc says it is depression and this "euphoria" and personality change is just temporary drug side effects. I hope so :( It did start after the medication began. Before that he was just crying all the time

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Hi Moppy,

When someone is diagnosed with major depression the first thing to know is the depression completely takes over their life. Everything changes. All thoughts change, hope disappears. When you are severely depressed your thoughts and feelings become so distorted. It's easy to think nobody loves you or understands you. Everything becomes black and dark.

The best thing you can do right now is just try to be a friend. The meds are going to make him a little strange for a while until they get the doses right. Adjusting to medication can be very difficult. And medication isn't the only solution. If he is going through therapy as well that can bring up

A lot of emotions he's been suppressing and trying to fight for a long time.

A key thing to remember right now is you also have to take care of yourself. You need boundaries. I find that when we are at our worst with depression we can be very selfish (not our faults-just part of the illness). Just be open with him. Tell him you care and are there but you also need time to heal.

Take care

Misfit

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Moppy, My depression has caused tremendous pain to my wife...I can tell you from the Ill One's POV, that emotions are truly numbed, as Phantastic & Misfit stated, it does distort one's perception of the "true" world, and you do need to take care of yourself firstly, while lending support from a bit of a distance. My meds did radically change my behaviors for a bit, then leveled-off...side effects are different for everyone, but hopefully he is pairing the meds with therapy, as that has proven to be the most effective duo for recovery. Also know, that for a lot of people with depression, once the brain's chemical balance has been restored, the "OLD" person will reappear.

I wish you the best of luck Ma'am,

CD

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Thank you BoneSpur so much. Thankfully the last 48 hours his behavior has levelled off a lot and he is more like himself...albeit with true emotions. Yes, he is having therapy too, but only had two sessions so far. Thankfully he's totally committed to getting better and is doing all the right things. Forcing himself to exercise, forcing himself to eat right, sleeping as much as possible, resting and he stopped drinking too.

He did tell me yesterday he was "in there somewhere" and I am just really encouraged by these posts in believing that is true. When people change personality completely so suddenly it's pretty scary. Especially confusing when they say and do hurtful things.

I won't give up on him. I'll try to look after myself.

Thank you again.

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Sorry, I did mean without emotions. He behaves like himself, but he lacks emotions. He did say all he can think about is "now" n all his energy is consumed by just existing. I know he has a long recovery. I think it got so bad because he didn't realise he was depressed and when it really hit him badly he also got anxiety and the combination of the two was really intense. He had some sort of breakdown. He's stable now, but seems very frightened and detached. I wish I could have supported him better but he hid it all from me. He thought he had to be strong and kept saying he was just tired.

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Bonespur I read some of your posts. Sorry you are going through problems with your life . I hope you manage to work it out. I think I am getting some idea of how hard it is for relationships to be maintained through this illness. It seems to provide pretty much every weapon of destruction that a relationship could ever see. I cannot imagine a person loving any the person more than I love my Fiance, and this experience had taken me to my own emotional limits. As hard as it is on the spouse though, I am sure it is far harder for the person in the middle of it. What a hideous affliction to rob my sweet, darling guy of his hopeful, warm and positive nature. It must be a very overwhelming journey.

I think sometimes this sort of thing happens to the kindest and gentlest souls, they are the most sensitive and feel things deeply xx

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Wow, I read all of your posts now and see you have all been through some tough times. Misfit...I had bad anxiety for years. Would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is a horrible thing. I think it is a bit like depression because you can't understand how it feels unless you have experienced it. The stuff you described in your posts about tiredness and pains etc. is stuff I have experienced before too. If you ever need any help please send me a message. I don't have anxiety any more, but it was a very long road to get there. I think a big part of it is genetic or to do with the house you grew up in. Then you kind of return to it in adulthood as a way of responding to stress. I hope you are feeling better xxx

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Bonespur I read some of your posts. Sorry you are going throuniqueugh problems with your life . I hope you manage to work it out. I think I am getting some idea of how hard it is for relationships to be maintained through this illness. It seems to provide pretty much every weapon of destruction that a relationship could ever see. I cannot imagine a person loving any the person more than I love my Fiance, and this experience had taken me to my own emotional limits. As hard as it is on the spouse though, I am sure it is far harder for the person in the middle of it. What a hideous affliction to rob my sweet, darling guy of his hopeful, warm and positive nature. It must be a very overwhelming journey.

I think sometimes this sort of thing happens to the kindest and gentlest souls, they are the most sensitive and feel things deeply xx

Hey Moppy,

There it's no roadmap for someone tho follow through his or her journey out of depression. .. each case is truly unique. Mine was a LONG time coming...neither of us ever put 2 and 2 together, so the damage tho our relationship occurred over three decades...thankfully, while abruptly, his onset has been diagnosed and addressed! The ill one has quite a lot to confront...it is daunting, and quite humbling to admit to being so fragile, while the significant other is left to question their place in all of this..... you def. need to take good care of yourself while he gets himself sorted - out. ... do NOT despair..... nor question whether he is "still in there"...he is, it's just that the BEAST that is Depression has a hold of his "being in the now", as well as the accompanying anxieties... He will progress, then stumble a bit...all you can do is be supportive, and understanding. .. while he works on himself.

I really hope you keep us updated on how you two are doing....feel free to message me if you want more insights into the depressive mind.

I wish you and your fiancee nothing but the best in mental/emotional health-CD

Edited by BoneSpur

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That dude seriously still seems like he has a screw loose. If you have feelings of for him, support him in getting help. Stick with keeping it long distance. He has to get treated proper before you can get back into the swing of things. That is just my non professional opinion.

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Thanks again. Valk0010i, I'm not sure that's a medical term, but yes, he pretty much had a complete snap :)

I was brief in my opening post, but he had been through a lot. Both in terms of past pain (totally repressed) as well as absolutely enormous stress and pressure on him. I don't want to go into too much detail but in the space of a few months he was facing financial ruin, illness, terminal illness in people around him, work pressure, lack of sleep, failure in his career. You name it - it was all happening at once for us. He had mental and physical exhaustion and when he was at his absolute lowest we were hit with yet another crisis that seemed like an insurmountable problem.

Over 72 hours he completely broke down. He just unravelled. At first he was waking up at 3am and vomiting in the toilet. He kept having to pull the car over because he had chest pains. It was an absolutely catastrophic stress response, but instead of coming to me for help he decided to run away. Sadly that made it a lot worse, but it was his response to it.

He could not accept for months that there was a problem with him, and he turned it outwards, thinking that if he escaped the source of the stress and was alone that he would be fine. He actually seemed to blame ME although he had no actual explanation of why. When it dawned on him that he was actually NOT okay, he reached his own breaking point and was finally able to seek medical help. He did find it very humbling and he still does not want to talk about it.

I know he is realising that it was his own management of stress / emotions that caused him to get to the point he got to. I think it;s a long journey in counselling to work out why that was. At the moment, he still doesn't know and that scares him. He's scared of ever going back to the state he was in before which I think is why he maintains distance.

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Hi All

I just wanted some feedback on the steps and recovery process during a period of acute depression if anyone can offer any insight on it so I maybe know a bit more what to expect.

After five weeks on medication he feels very stable and is generally feeling "happy" and had thankfully stopped seeming bizarre - but is still seeming to be nothing like "himself". He can talk about mundane day to day stuff but doesn't want to talk about anything of real consequence. I keep assuming that if the pills have made him "happy" then he should be back to his normal self. Am I wrong in that assumption?

He just seems like someone else. He doesn't seem to know what he feels, or even want to know. He doesn't seem to care about anything.

Am I expecting too much too soon? I am due to go and see him two weeks today and spend a week with him and feel really nervous that he is going to be cold and distant.

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Moppy,

You must remember that he's gone/is going through a traumatic time in his life...he's really just "coping" right now (at least that what I went through)....putting one foot in front of the other to get through the riggors of daily life....5 weeks is NOTHING in terms of coping/dealing with depression..... It's important to place yourself (as best you can) into his situation. Try not to judge him on pre-depression....it'll be tough to do, I know. Don't despair....give him time.

Best wishes,

CD

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I am wondering how he is different? Is he more numb or more sad or less expressive? (With depression this would be expected.) Or it is something about his actual personality -- is he crueler when he used to be nice, did his sense of humor change, did his interests or mannerisms change? (These things are more indicative of an underlying problem such as type II mental disorder, or maybe it could be a reaction to the medication.)

When I am in a depressive episode I am not very interested in small talk. I'm not anyway, but when I'm depressed it's actually unbearable. It's not so much that your interests change when you are depressed, it's that you're interested in less things than you were interested in before.

I have never not been depressed. I have episodes, of course, and during those I am worse than normal. But even my baseline (where I am normally at) is not upbeat, hopeful or cheery. I don't know who I would be if I didn't have depression. I have been this way since I can remember. I am calm, subdued and cynical and I do not go through a personality change and become different no matter the treatment; there is nothing to do about it. So, my feelings on depression are that I can be at my baseline (calm and subdued) or I can be in my depressive state (subdued in an even more subdued, melancholy and morose way). Some things about my actions and words change and I might move slower than usual, but my personality stays the same.

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Hi rosesfremily

He has gone through stages. Before he admitted he had depression he was angry, cruel, cold, blaming at first, then he was a sobbing mess, then he was numb, sad, hopeless. It was a rollercoaster because it onset very quickly and he had no idea what was happening to him and he was frightened. He was also diagnosed with severe anxiety yesterday, so the two together must be pretty overwhelming if you don't know what they are and you've never experienced it before. I can see how it might cause a person to want to escape if they perceive a situation to be causing them to be in that state.

Since he began treatment with the medication he did show a totally different personality for about 3 weeks (hyper, laughing at sad things, arrogant but he was also very anxious. Now that has all stopped. THANK GOODNESS. So I do believe it was a temporary reaction to the medication. PHEW!!!!!!! I could not have lived with that if it went on much longer and I was genuinely worried it was more than just depression.

He has his old personality back now, he is kind, sweet, gentle and has his normal sense of humour back. I wouldn't say he has "empathy" in a normal way - but he does express concern and just seems like a very lost, very fragile version of himself. He is still numb, lacking a range of emotions, battling with episodes of doom that overwhelm him, but he has times where he feels good and he is much more stable than before he started treatment. It's hard to get much feedback because he is confused and doesn't know how to express it and seems to find talking about it stressful.

I think BoneCrush explained it well when he said he has been through trauma and is just "coping". I have found that if he becomes stressed, his behavior goes downhill. If I make him smile and be really positive and let him know I think he is a wonderful person and am sticking by him - it seems to bring out the best in him. I just have to keep going.

I am going to see him in 12 days time, to spend a week alone with him and just really, really look after him. Give him massages, do some medication with him, read to him, take him for walks and give him lots of hugs.

I am so sorry you have had depression like that on such an ongoing basis I can't imagine how difficult it is. Watching someone suffer like that is awful so being in it must be hell itself.

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Hi rosesfremily

He has gone through stages. Before he admitted he had depression he was angry, cruel, cold, blaming at first, then he was a sobbing mess, then he was numb, sad, hopeless. It was a rollercoaster because it onset very quickly and he had no idea what was happening to him and he was frightened. He was also diagnosed with severe anxiety yesterday, so the two together must be pretty overwhelming if you don't know what they are and you've never experienced it before. I can see how it might cause a person to want to escape if they perceive a situation to be causing them to be in that state.

Since he began treatment with the medication he did show a totally different personality for about 3 weeks (hyper, laughing at sad things, arrogant but he was also very anxious. Now that has all stopped. THANK GOODNESS. So I do believe it was a temporary reaction to the medication. PHEW!!!!!!! I could not have lived with that if it went on much longer and I was genuinely worried it was more than just depression.

He has his old personality back now, he is kind, sweet, gentle and has his normal sense of humour back. I wouldn't say he has "empathy" in a normal way - but he does express concern and just seems like a very lost, very fragile version of himself. He is still numb, lacking a range of emotions, battling with episodes of doom that overwhelm him, but he has times where he feels good and he is much more stable than before he started treatment. It's hard to get much feedback because he is confused and doesn't know how to express it and seems to find talking about it stressful.

I think BoneCrush explained it well when he said he has been through trauma and is just "coping". I have found that if he becomes stressed, his behavior goes downhill. If I make him smile and be really positive and let him know I think he is a wonderful person and am sticking by him - it seems to bring out the best in him. I just have to keep going.

I am going to see him in 12 days time, to spend a week alone with him and just really, really look after him. Give him massages, do some medication with him, read to him, take him for walks and give him lots of hugs.

I am so sorry you have had depression like that on such an ongoing basis I can't imagine how difficult it is. Watching someone suffer like that is awful so being in it must be hell itself.

Moppy,

Glad to hear that he's turned the corner! You've obviously ben supportIve, and that is EXACTLY what he needs right now....your reaffirming that you're there for him will also help lessent the anxieties...well done Ma'am! I hope the time that you and he spend together will help you two get back to the focus on closeness, romantic connection.....wishing the best for you & he - CD

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Thank you CD. There is some relief. I know you know what i mean when I tell you it's not black and white. I am resentful and angry too. I hope things are improving with your wife?

Moppy,

The moving beyond the anger will be the challenge....my wife could not return....so with much regret and anxiety, I visited an attorney to I initiate the divorce proceedings. ..ugh! Our 6 mos requirement for seperation will be met May 1....ironic knowing that BOTH or our birthdays are on May 4!!

Well, as they say...all go things must come to an end.

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