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I'm Sorry About This.


Lucerne

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I don't expect many, if any at all, responses to this thread.

I am in a lot of emotional pain, I am in my own personal agony. I overdosed a few days ago, I was vomiting and in a lot of pain for that night and the day after, I was in and out of sleep throughout that day. I told everybody it was food poisoning, I was too ashamed to tell anybody what I'd done and why, and even now I'm thinking about it and feeling ashamed. This is my crutch, as was self injury for quite some time. I am reminded by what I do by the taste of tablets I sometimes feel, how my body rejects when I take my levothyroxine, and how my body shudders and convulses when I drink water, because water reminds me of my very first overdose. Every time I use the bathroom, I see my scarred thighs for a moment or so and remember everything, every time I wash my hands clean I see the 100's of scars that lay criss crossed around my wrist, and as I turn to place the towel back, I see my arms and sometimes my shoulders, and see 100's more scars.
I am always going to fight, always going to change, always going to be what I can with what I've got. I'm going to push myself, yet I know that I may still fail despite this.

There was a time I wished I hadn't been alive, a time where death felt like the only option I had. There was a time when I had nothing, nothing in this world at all, and there a time where I didn't care about those I left behind.

All I can do is get back up, straighten myself up, and carry on. Exercise to lose weight, eat healthily, take my vitamins and levothyroxine, and be the best I can be.

I needed to write this down, nobody but DF will see this, and that's what it'll always be.

And in case anyone does reply, I am currently unable to speak to any doctor, I can't admit myself to a hospital because that's not how it works in England, you can't just admit yourself in. I have been told right now there is no support available for me, and even if there was I would most likely not bother.

Thank you to anyone who reads this.

Edited by Lucerne
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Thank you for sharing and by the way, this is beautifully written. We need more like you to have the strength and courage to stick around and share these things that so many might be feeling but unable to express, so thanks.

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Hey there,

It must have been so difficult going thru this and not telling anyone, you sound very strong and I hope you can find some support here.

I know the shame in seeing the scars, it's hard to admit even to myself. I understand some of what you're going thru. It does help to write stuff down, so keep us posted on how you are.

I like your moderation quote! A helpful reminder, for me anyway.

Take Care and you are welcome!

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Huge hugs to you, Lucerne. :(

I had no idea you'd been struggling so much this past week. It sounds like it had been an especially bad week for lots of people.

I know you can't get to the doctor, and that you're suffering in silence with this, so please know that I'm always here for you if you need just to chat and get the overwhelming feelings off your chest. I care about you, and really want to help wherever I can. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you, ok? I'm really sorry to hear about your overdose. You're such a bright young lady, so capable and willing to give so much care. You've often been so helpful even here, brightening up our days with inspiring posts. It would be a terrible loss to the world if you weren't in it, so I hope you're able to pull yourself through. Step by step, we'll go down this road together, even though I know it can become unbearably painful. I know you've heard it a million times, but please hang in there, ok? *hugs*

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Lucerne,

I would be quite honest and suggest that you go and see your doc for one simple reason: the effects of the pills on your physical wellbeing. if only for that, go! They cannot force you to do anything you don't want to but at least a few tests could be done to see if there has been any physical damage. You do need to at least let someone know.

As for your emotional state, yes that is harder to tackle but the fact that you are still here says a lot about the inherent wish to carry on in the hope of finding happiness. It is obviously unreally difficult to do so when constantly reminded, but we do believe in you and with hard work there will be some resolution.

By the way, never apologise when you are amongst friends here. Your post is a snapshot of a very brave person.

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I really agree with what SF said. Even if you can't right this minute, if there is any way you can get to a doc soon just to check your insides and make sure you're alright physically, please try to. I wish I were there - I'd go with you. Like SF said - you're among friends here. You're welcome to talk about anything you like, and you have our support.

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I don't expect many, if any at all, responses to this thread.

I am in a lot of emotional pain, I am in my own personal agony. I overdosed a few days ago, I was vomiting and in a lot of pain for that night and the day after, I was in and out of sleep throughout that day. I told everybody it was food poisoning, I was too ashamed to tell anybody what I'd done and why, and even now I'm thinking about it and feeling ashamed. This is my crutch, as was self injury for quite some time. I am reminded by what I do by the taste of tablets I sometimes feel, how my body rejects when I take my levothyroxine, and how my body shudders and convulses when I drink water, because water reminds me of my very first overdose. Every time I use the bathroom, I see my scarred thighs for a moment or so and remember everything, every time I wash my hands clean I see the 100's of scars that lay criss crossed around my wrist, and as I turn to place the towel back, I see my arms and sometimes my shoulders, and see 100's more scars.

I am always going to fight, always going to change, always going to be what I can with what I've got. I'm going to push myself, yet I know that I may still fail despite this.

There was a time I wished I hadn't been alive, a time where death felt like the only option I had. There was a time when I had nothing, nothing in this world at all, and there a time where I didn't care about those I left behind.

All I can do is get back up, straighten myself up, and carry on. Exercise to lose weight, eat healthily, take my vitamins and levothyroxine, and be the best I can be.

I needed to write this down, nobody but DF will see this, and that's what it'll always be.

And in case anyone does reply, I am currently unable to speak to any doctor, I can't admit myself to a hospital because that's not how it works in England, you can't just admit yourself in. I have been told right now there is no support available for me, and even if there was I would most likely not bother.

Thank you to anyone who reads this.

Sorry to hear what you've been going through, but glad to see some positivity in this post. Some people say crap like "get rich or die trying", I'd rather get happy or die trying. The thing that keeps me going is curiosity more than anything n the world. Even if I'm 99% sure tomorrow will be crap I can't know that for sure. I hope you do feel happier, I hope we all do and to be honest, I could've written that second paragraph myself. I'm absolutely in love with fresh starts and clean slates, I'm always finding myself acting like I've had a major epiphany when I haven't, it's just wishful thinking. Maybe we can fake it till we make it, maybe it'll even be real but either way will suit me absolutely fine. I just hope that you don't fall into the trap that I often do, of beating yourself up if the plan hasn't worked for whatever reason. Giving up is pointless, we're all going to die anyway, no point rushing it. Well, there's my take on positivity....

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Beautifully written, but equally sad. You clearly have a flair for expressing the pain you're going through. I've been there so many times and still have the battle scars, despite not cutting for several years.

You'll bounce back from this. I admire the fight that you have in you....other people will draw strength from what you wrote. Tackle the beast head on, make whatever changes you feel that you need to make.

I know how often ineffective the mental healthcare system in the UK can be and how frustrating it is to have to wait.

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