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Just Need People To Lend Their Ears. (Also Felt I Needed To Open Up)


asdf2012

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I've been researching stuff on the internet and I think I might be suffering from depression, social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder.
For a while I’ve been feeling pretty low and had feelings of self-worthlessness, low self-confidence and esteem, irritability, anxious and being pessimistic. I also take ages to go to sleep because I keep thinking about sadness. I've had minute thoughts of suicide before. When I enter a "depressed mood" it's like I’m trapped in a hole and can't climb out. I don't feel like doing anything. It feels as if energy has been sapped out of me and I just prefer lying in bed doing nothing. I can't even be asked to do things that I generally like doing. The worse thing is that I’m just digging myself into a deeper hole every time I enter one of these moods.
I try to be optimistic but to be honest it feels like there is no point and that I should give up. (I'm just so pessimistic at the moment and think about how stuff can go wrong such as when I’m performing at concerts). Whenever I get up I just get knocked back down again. I just feel so lonely and uncared about and feel as if life is going against me. Kind of as if it's torturing me mentally with all these dark thoughts. I just want to talk to someone but I can't talk to my friends because they just don't know what to say or I’m not close enough to them plus the people I’m good friends with make me feel bad. I find it so hard to open up to people. At the moment I’m fairly introverted. I feel like a locked treasure chest. I’m comfortable around my friends and I’ll engage in small talk but whenever they ask how I feel I always say "fine" even when I’m not. I just can't express how I feel to them and I just hide my feelings and repress them which makes me even more unable to express myself.
Whenever ever I do feel really sad or emotional after a while I feel so empty and numb. It's like all the bad feelings have sucked up all the emotion out of me. I feel so inhumane afterwards because when I feel empty I lack emotion and love. Therefore to counter this I try to be more caring and like people more (I end up fancying girls or do other caring stuff) but it doesn't really work out because not many people care about me and I get rejected by everyone that I like and I feel as if I bore my friends with my problems and that they don't want to talk to me which makes me sad and emotional and thus empty again so to counteract this I try and be more caring. It’s a vicious spiral which just gets bigger and bigger. I get really sensitive whenever someone rejects me. Even as a joke because I’m paranoid that they might actually not like me.
What caused me to feel like this was people rejecting me when I liked them and also feeling lonely. When I do get rejected I feel angry and bitter. I’m always like what is wrong with me? Why won't people like me? Then I start getting negative thoughts such as: you'll never find anyone, you don't deserve love. This just leads to the anger building up but instead of taking it out on something I just take it out on myself. I guess it's basically self-bullying because I say horrible stuff about myself to myself. I just take out my anger on myself. Instead of exploding I’m imploding? This bitterness creates dark thoughts and evil thoughts randomly pop into my head. Whenever these evil thoughts pop into my head if they're wrong but I feel so guilty and bad for thinking them. I feel like a monster I guess because I know that if I ever release my emotions and take them out on someone else I will do something terrible. Stuff that would turn my friends against me and would make people hate me, therefore I just take out my anger on myself because I don't want to hurt other people because I’m not a monster but if that deep down I have those feelings and I just feel as if I am a monster even though the rational side of my brain is saying I’m not but every time I enter a bad mood the dark side of my brain just gets stronger. I always find I hurt other people anyways by letting slip secrets by accident and this makes me feel even guiltier. I also feel more irritable than usual. karate's taught me to have self-control but I always seem to be getting annoyed at my family and raising my voice towards them whereas I’m more tolerant of other people.
Whenever I am happy I know that deep down (subconsciously) that those happy feelings are only temporary and that I will fall back into my "depressed mood." I guess I feel like a fake in some ways if I tell my friends that I think I’m depressed. My friends say I smile all the time and would say that I don't act or look depressed but subconsciously I feel bad. I tell them that I can be "depressed" all the time but no one likes a negative person or someone who's depressing to be around so at school I try and act normal. Sometimes I don't want to talk to anybody because I don't have the right person to talk to. I just want to hide. I guess I’ve been trying to cope with these feelings so I just smile to cover up and if someone asks how I am I just say fine. I also try and forget about these thoughts and try and not let them affect me but to not let them affect me I have to like disconnect my feelings so when I do I feel empty and uncaring. All I can do at is just use a mask and put on a brave face but it doesn't really help. It’s like painkillers. They only relieve the symptoms but don't get rid of the disease. Also I guess forgetting isn't the best idea because it makes it worse whenever I re-enter those moods. I guess sometimes the heavy rock of emotions I’m carrying isn't as overpowering as on some days and on those days where it's lighter, life is bearable. A good day for me is having no negative thoughts at all.
There are times where I wonder what's the point of being nice or trying to find happiness because I always feel guilty. Depressed people apparently have a bleak outlook of life. I know what I want to do in the future. (Go to Music College and become a musician) However I start getting thoughts about how I’m not good enough and that everyone is better than me. I get so paranoid... sometimes it feels as if I can't deal with life. This then causes anxiousness and I’m just like how am I going to do this or achieve this?
I've just become indecisive. I fail at doing simple tasks as well. If someone asks me to find stuff for them or set up apparatus for a chemistry experiment I just don't know what to do in case I knock something over. I just can't think when doing simple tasks. I’m always bugging my friends for advice and whenever I have to start a project or something I just don't know what to do because I get so self critical...
I also feel so insecure. I feel like I don't really fit in and that no one would notice or miss me if I disappeared. I always feel as if my friends aren't really my friends and that they don't care about me. I always feel as if I have to be better than people because that's the only way I’ll feel insecure but even then when I am the best I’ll feel insecure in case other people suddenly become better or I have a fall from grace. Even with friends I always feel as if they will unlike me if they find out my flaws or that they just say they like me when they really don't but are too nice to say. I just feel as if people think I’m boring... There are people I want to get to know better but we don't really have stuff to talk about. I think I’ve forgotten how to make friends in real life. All of my friends I talked to loads online on Facebook and stuff before getting to know them in real life. I feel way more confident online than in real life. Online I feel less judged.
There are also times where I feel paranoid. Like when I’m walking down the street I’m scared that people will think I’m stalking them if we're walking the same way.I always feel as if people are judging what I say and the way i act so I just shut up and be quiet. One example is that I don't like eating in public because I feel that people are watching me and judging me just on how I eat.
I also feel so powerless and lack assertiveness. I hate working in large groups especially with people I’m not friends with. I just follow other people's ideas and let other people make the decisions. I want to make decisions but I can't express my opinions. People just repress me. I’m paranoid about feeling embarrassed because I might say something stupid. If there are times where I should speak up but I don't because I feel that I lack authority. I dislike talking to adults as well. They make me scared as I don't want to appear childish and foolish in front of them. I feel like people walk over me and that I'm just a pushover. I just don't feel like standing up for myself. I know I can but I don't.
It feels as if my mind is somehow being taken over a negative force and destroying every last shred of goodness and happiness. It's basically changing how I act and in a way it feels like part of my normal personality now. It's mental torture and it hurts a lot. Sometimes I feel pain at the bottom of my heart. It’s also destroying my sanity by making me irritable and less thoughtful.
I think I have social anxiety because I don't like meeting new people unless I’m sure they like me. I get so nervous about asking my parents stuff or when I my parents ask me to ask other people questions I never want to ask those people the questions my parents asked in case they think badly of me. If I want my parents to get me something it always takes me a few days before I pluck up the courage to ask them. I also don't like calling people when other people are near especially at home when my parents are home. I just don't really like adults judging me I guess. I avoid eye contact because it feels kind of weird doing that. I’m very self-critical and self-conscious. It comes from bad experiences form when people have called me stuff. The reason I fear being judges so much is because I always feel like the person in the song Creep by Radiohead. I just fear that people will think badly of me and dislike me. I never liked drama in case people thought I was silly. It just made me feel so embarrassed...
I don't want to go to the GP because I’m scared they'll say there's nothing wrong with me or tell me to get over it... also it feels as if I don't deserve help. I know there are people worse off than me so this just makes me even guiltier. The thing is I want to cry but I can't cry. I’ve down karate for nearly 10 years (I’m a black belt). It's like my mind is stopping me from crying because it knows that if I cry I will feel even worse. One thing it's taught me is mental strength but I can't hold back all these negative thoughts. They are overwhelming my mind.
Lastly I feel like a volcano wanting to erupt but when I do want to erupt I start feeling empty. I just can't release all the emotions that are building up in me in a way my mental strength is stopping me from feeling bad all the time. I’m just trying to cope at the moment. Maybe this is just a mental illusion and I should snap out of it. Most of all I just want to be myself but I can't because of all these fears... I wish i could release myself from the dark shackles that are holding me back...
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I've been researching stuff on the internet and I think I might be suffering from depression, social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder.
For a while I’ve been feeling pretty low and had feelings of self-worthlessness, low self-confidence and esteem, irritability, anxious and being pessimistic. I also take ages to go to sleep because I keep thinking about sadness. I've had minute thoughts of suicide before. When I enter a "depressed mood" it's like I’m trapped in a hole and can't climb out. I don't feel like doing anything. It feels as if energy has been sapped out of me and I just prefer lying in bed doing nothing. I can't even be asked to do things that I generally like doing. The worse thing is that I’m just digging myself into a deeper hole every time I enter one of these moods.
I try to be optimistic but to be honest it feels like there is no point and that I should give up. (I'm just so pessimistic at the moment and think about how stuff can go wrong such as when I’m performing at concerts). Whenever I get up I just get knocked back down again. I just feel so lonely and uncared about and feel as if life is going against me. Kind of as if it's torturing me mentally with all these dark thoughts. I just want to talk to someone but I can't talk to my friends because they just don't know what to say or I’m not close enough to them plus the people I’m good friends with make me feel bad. I find it so hard to open up to people. At the moment I’m fairly introverted. I feel like a locked treasure chest. I’m comfortable around my friends and I’ll engage in small talk but whenever they ask how I feel I always say "fine" even when I’m not. I just can't express how I feel to them and I just hide my feelings and repress them which makes me even more unable to express myself.
Whenever ever I do feel really sad or emotional after a while I feel so empty and numb. It's like all the bad feelings have sucked up all the emotion out of me. I feel so inhumane afterwards because when I feel empty I lack emotion and love. Therefore to counter this I try to be more caring and like people more (I end up fancying girls or do other caring stuff) but it doesn't really work out because not many people care about me and I get rejected by everyone that I like and I feel as if I bore my friends with my problems and that they don't want to talk to me which makes me sad and emotional and thus empty again so to counteract this I try and be more caring. It’s a vicious spiral which just gets bigger and bigger. I get really sensitive whenever someone rejects me. Even as a joke because I’m paranoid that they might actually not like me.
What caused me to feel like this was people rejecting me when I liked them and also feeling lonely. When I do get rejected I feel angry and bitter. I’m always like what is wrong with me? Why won't people like me? Then I start getting negative thoughts such as: you'll never find anyone, you don't deserve love. This just leads to the anger building up but instead of taking it out on something I just take it out on myself. I guess it's basically self-bullying because I say horrible stuff about myself to myself. I just take out my anger on myself. Instead of exploding I’m imploding? This bitterness creates dark thoughts and evil thoughts randomly pop into my head. Whenever these evil thoughts pop into my head if they're wrong but I feel so guilty and bad for thinking them. I feel like a monster I guess because I know that if I ever release my emotions and take them out on someone else I will do something terrible. Stuff that would turn my friends against me and would make people hate me, therefore I just take out my anger on myself because I don't want to hurt other people because I’m not a monster but if that deep down I have those feelings and I just feel as if I am a monster even though the rational side of my brain is saying I’m not but every time I enter a bad mood the dark side of my brain just gets stronger. I always find I hurt other people anyways by letting slip secrets by accident and this makes me feel even guiltier. I also feel more irritable than usual. karate's taught me to have self-control but I always seem to be getting annoyed at my family and raising my voice towards them whereas I’m more tolerant of other people.
Whenever I am happy I know that deep down (subconsciously) that those happy feelings are only temporary and that I will fall back into my "depressed mood." I guess I feel like a fake in some ways if I tell my friends that I think I’m depressed. My friends say I smile all the time and would say that I don't act or look depressed but subconsciously I feel bad. I tell them that I can be "depressed" all the time but no one likes a negative person or someone who's depressing to be around so at school I try and act normal. Sometimes I don't want to talk to anybody because I don't have the right person to talk to. I just want to hide. I guess I’ve been trying to cope with these feelings so I just smile to cover up and if someone asks how I am I just say fine. I also try and forget about these thoughts and try and not let them affect me but to not let them affect me I have to like disconnect my feelings so when I do I feel empty and uncaring. All I can do at is just use a mask and put on a brave face but it doesn't really help. It’s like painkillers. They only relieve the symptoms but don't get rid of the disease. Also I guess forgetting isn't the best idea because it makes it worse whenever I re-enter those moods. I guess sometimes the heavy rock of emotions I’m carrying isn't as overpowering as on some days and on those days where it's lighter, life is bearable. A good day for me is having no negative thoughts at all.
There are times where I wonder what's the point of being nice or trying to find happiness because I always feel guilty. Depressed people apparently have a bleak outlook of life. I know what I want to do in the future. (Go to Music College and become a musician) However I start getting thoughts about how I’m not good enough and that everyone is better than me. I get so paranoid... sometimes it feels as if I can't deal with life. This then causes anxiousness and I’m just like how am I going to do this or achieve this?
I've just become indecisive. I fail at doing simple tasks as well. If someone asks me to find stuff for them or set up apparatus for a chemistry experiment I just don't know what to do in case I knock something over. I just can't think when doing simple tasks. I’m always bugging my friends for advice and whenever I have to start a project or something I just don't know what to do because I get so self critical...
I also feel so insecure. I feel like I don't really fit in and that no one would notice or miss me if I disappeared. I always feel as if my friends aren't really my friends and that they don't care about me. I always feel as if I have to be better than people because that's the only way I’ll feel insecure but even then when I am the best I’ll feel insecure in case other people suddenly become better or I have a fall from grace. Even with friends I always feel as if they will unlike me if they find out my flaws or that they just say they like me when they really don't but are too nice to say. I just feel as if people think I’m boring... There are people I want to get to know better but we don't really have stuff to talk about. I think I’ve forgotten how to make friends in real life. All of my friends I talked to loads online on Facebook and stuff before getting to know them in real life. I feel way more confident online than in real life. Online I feel less judged.
There are also times where I feel paranoid. Like when I’m walking down the street I’m scared that people will think I’m stalking them if we're walking the same way.I always feel as if people are judging what I say and the way i act so I just shut up and be quiet. One example is that I don't like eating in public because I feel that people are watching me and judging me just on how I eat.
I also feel so powerless and lack assertiveness. I hate working in large groups especially with people I’m not friends with. I just follow other people's ideas and let other people make the decisions. I want to make decisions but I can't express my opinions. People just repress me. I’m paranoid about feeling embarrassed because I might say something stupid. If there are times where I should speak up but I don't because I feel that I lack authority. I dislike talking to adults as well. They make me scared as I don't want to appear childish and foolish in front of them. I feel like people walk over me and that I'm just a pushover. I just don't feel like standing up for myself. I know I can but I don't.
It feels as if my mind is somehow being taken over a negative force and destroying every last shred of goodness and happiness. It's basically changing how I act and in a way it feels like part of my normal personality now. It's mental torture and it hurts a lot. Sometimes I feel pain at the bottom of my heart. It’s also destroying my sanity by making me irritable and less thoughtful.
I think I have social anxiety because I don't like meeting new people unless I’m sure they like me. I get so nervous about asking my parents stuff or when I my parents ask me to ask other people questions I never want to ask those people the questions my parents asked in case they think badly of me. If I want my parents to get me something it always takes me a few days before I pluck up the courage to ask them. I also don't like calling people when other people are near especially at home when my parents are home. I just don't really like adults judging me I guess. I avoid eye contact because it feels kind of weird doing that. I’m very self-critical and self-conscious. It comes from bad experiences form when people have called me stuff. The reason I fear being judges so much is because I always feel like the person in the song Creep by Radiohead. I just fear that people will think badly of me and dislike me. I never liked drama in case people thought I was silly. It just made me feel so embarrassed...
I don't want to go to the GP because I’m scared they'll say there's nothing wrong with me or tell me to get over it... also it feels as if I don't deserve help. I know there are people worse off than me so this just makes me even guiltier. The thing is I want to cry but I can't cry. I’ve down karate for nearly 10 years (I’m a black belt). It's like my mind is stopping me from crying because it knows that if I cry I will feel even worse. One thing it's taught me is mental strength but I can't hold back all these negative thoughts. They are overwhelming my mind.
Lastly I feel like a volcano wanting to erupt but when I do want to erupt I start feeling empty. I just can't release all the emotions that are building up in me in a way my mental strength is stopping me from feeling bad all the time. I’m just trying to cope at the moment. Maybe this is just a mental illusion and I should snap out of it. Most of all I just want to be myself but I can't because of all these fears... I wish i could release myself from the dark shackles that are holding me back...

Hi asdf2012,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for posting quite a long description of how you're feeling. Have you always felt all of these emotions or are they a recent part of your life? From your post, you are experiencing many emotions that seem to keep you from living your life. You know how you feel, now's the time to go talk with a doctor. Don't think you are not a candidate for help because others are worse off than you. You need to realize you are just as worthy as the next person seeking help. As you are going through so many emotions, I would print this post and bring it with you. Don't be embasrassed. You need to get these feelings under control and realize you are valuable and deserve to be well. You described quite clearly how you feel. Highlight each area to your doctor. This forum is not judgemental and you can come here anytime to express how you feel, but you need some help right now. Please see your doctor and you will have taken your first step to grab hold of all of the emotions that are controling you and holding you back.

Edited by flasquish
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So sorry to hear how badly you are feeling ASDF2012,

You have come to the right place.

I have to say that flasqquish is right, Please see your doctor and if You want show him a copy of the post you put in here.

Just Never Give Up There is help out there

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Thanks for the replies.

From a young age i've always been shy and socially awkward but over time this has just got worse. I've been feeling negative for over a year.

I guess i decided to join this forum because i needed people who would listen and understand. I've always wanted to fix myself and i decided that i should start this new year by writing about how i felt first because i always forget what i want to say in real life

I'm thinking of going to a doctor but i'm not sure how. I live in the UK and i've only ever been to the GP with my mum and my mum has always sorted out the appointments. I don't want my family to know though so if anyone that lives in the uk could tell me how i could book an appointment it would be appreciated :)

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Welcome, asdf2012.

I'm not sure how to do this in the UK as I'm in the US, but you can give Care for the Family a call. They have counselors available by phone (at no cost to you) that could certainly point you in the right direction. Their phone # is 44 29 2081 1733.

Praying for you!

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ah. i'm guessing it won't work in the uk then. i'm just waiting to find the courage to call the receptionist at my local GP. apparently they're rude and stuff... and then it's actually meeting the gp. i think i'll just print this off and let him read it... not sure what to do tho. do i just ask him what he thinks?

tbh i don't really want to talk face to face (or voice to voice) atm. i prefer online that's why i created this post because i could never do this in real life

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ah. i'm guessing it won't work in the uk then. i'm just waiting to find the courage to call the receptionist at my local GP. apparently they're rude and stuff... and then it's actually meeting the gp. i think i'll just print this off and let him read it... not sure what to do tho. do i just ask him what he thinks?

tbh i don't really want to talk face to face (or voice to voice) atm. i prefer online that's why i created this post because i could never do this in real life

You control the way of communication, if you like online, then use online.

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Hi

Im in the UK. I'm not sure how old you are but if you are at an age to look at college courses you should be able to make an appointment with the GP. Receptionists can seem a bit fierce but if they ask what is wrong you can say it is personal. You might want to ask for a double appointment (you can say there a couple of things you want to discuss. That us true as you are concerned about depression and anxiety, but also means you won't be as pressed for time.

You can tell the GP about hoe you feel - what you have written is a really good summary - you might want to highlight the this that worry you the most. If you can take two copies of this so that you each have one to read through. Make clear how much if anything you have told your mother. It may be a good idea to confide some of how you feel with her, that could be after you see the GP. ThT might just be for practical reasons if you need to get to the surgery for appointments as well as emotional support.

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Hi, booked an appointment today. it's on the 31st tho. any more tips on what i should say or do on the day of the appointment?

do you know if they give u a diagnosis straightaway?

i'd rather not confide with my parents. i'll tell a few of my friends.

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Hi, asdf2012, making an appointment with a doctor is a great first step! Just be honest and open about how you feel. A lot of people are nervous at their first pdoc appointment (I know I was) so just try to be honest, and let the doctor ask you questions (it's their job, so they know what to ask ;) I hope that helps and good luck!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Hi asdf2012,

Great to hear you've made an apointment!

You probably won't get a diagnosis from your GP; they usually give you a Patient Health Questionnaire about your mood (i think it's called PHQ-9 so if you google it you should be able to find it) then they can have a better understanding of the severity of your symptoms and recommend the best treatment options for you.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote in your first post, I'm guessing you're still very young but I know how scary it can be....I didn't talk to my GP till I was about 21, I was hoping all the bad feeling would just go away one day but of course it never works like that!

Good luck!

Edited by Angie85
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thanks. there's just been some bad stuff written about GP's when i was reading the comments section in the depression section which just makes me slightly worried.

so when does the doctor give u a diagnosis or when do u find out the results?

the problem though is that my mood isn't always consistent. sometimes i feel fine maybe once per week or maybe for the whole week whereas sometimes i feel bad almost every day so my mood varies. it depends on the activities i'm doing each week.

yh i'm still young so i'm guessing it's best to get all of this sorted before i become independent and tred the undulating path of life :P i don't want to have a breakdown when i'm older :\

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Actually, I've just been thinking about this....your GP may be able to make a diagnosis but won't necessarily tell you. I think it really depends on the doctor and their knowledge of mental health issues.

I understand your worries if you've been reading about other people's negative experiences with GP's. If it helps, I've seen several GP's over the years, most have been understanding and sympathetic, one I didn't particularly like (didn't do anything wrong but he made me feel uncomfortable for some reason) and the one i've been seeing regularly for the past 4 years has been absolutely amazing. I've been referred to a psychiatrist for my medications but my GP still wants to see me every few weeks to make sure I'm doing ok.

So it really depends on your doctor - i think most people have a positive experience with their GP's but those who don't are more likely to share their stories on the internet!

Try not to worry about it :-) you're doing the right thing by asking for help, if they're rude or unsupportive then they're not doing their job properly - you're entitled to make an appointment with another GP for a second opinion.

Let them know exactly how you feel - you don't have to feel down all the time to ask for help! They will probably ask you a lot of questions about your symptoms so just be honest, you described your feelings very well in your post so I'm sure you will be fine. I find that sometimes when I'm at the doctor's my mind goes blank and I can't think about anything so if i know i have an appt coming up i will make notes about how i've been feeling or if there's anything i want to bring up.

Let us know how it goes!

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oh.. surely they should tell u and can't u ask them to inform u of their diagnosis? if they're not comfortable with mental health do u think they would refer me to someone else?

ah ok. is there any paperwork i have to do if i switch GPs?

do u you feel that your medication helps?

at the moment i feel fine. i guess finally booking an appointment has created a temporary barrier in my mind that is blocking out the major negative thoughts.

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Good to hear you're feeling fine at the moment!

I think GP's can diagnose depression or anxiety but they don't have the training to diagnose personality disorders (which you mentioned in your first post) or other mood disorders, for example. I think your GP would be able to say if you might be suffering from depression or anxiety but I think it's more helpful to focus on your symptoms and feelings rather than the labels :)

Your GP will probably offer medications and refer you to a counsellor for therapy (they usually offer CBT). They probably won't refer you to a psychiatrist unless you don't start feeling any better after a course of CBT and trying a few different types of medications. Depending on where you live the waiting lists for therapy can be quite long. If you do end up seeing a psychiatrist they will do a Mental Health Evaluation and they will be able to make a more accurate diagnosis, taking into account your medical history and notes from your GP and counsellor, etc...But it's a pretty long process.

What kind of help are you hoping to get from your GP? Would you be happy to have counselling?

I'm not sure if it's the same everywhere but there should be more than one GP at the practice so if you did want a second opinion you'd just need to ask for another appointment with a different doctor. I wouldn't worry too much about this now though,,,,hopefully you won't need to see more than one doctor!

My medications definitely help, I've tried a few different types over the years and i'm on 2 meds now and finally feeling quite stable. I had a few years of therapy too which helped a lot but at the moment the meds are making a huge difference!

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat!

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i'm just wondering how long this is going to last. i guess at the moment i've just tried to not care about what my negative side says. the only problem is that i feel a bit empty at the moment and not as caring.

ah. so would psychiatrists diagnose personality disorders? well i think it's better to say whether you have depression or not. it's not going to come as a shock to me if i did. if i had something like cancer i would be really shocked as i don't think i do. it also makes everything to deal with easier if the doctor actually diagnoses me because then i don't have to worry about whether i have it or not. what makes me worried is unresolved stuff. it also means that when i tell my friends i'm depressed they won't say stuff like get over it or stop feeling sad and stuff or start questioning me.

i'm currently trying to get counselling from a website but not sure what's happening. i don't really want to try the medicine. i've been reading up aobut anti depressants and for some people they seem to have negative effects. also it might make me feel better but it won't get rid of my problems. it'll just help mask them better probably? (which is what i'm trying to do)

erm how do u chat to people? this site is a bit confusing.

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btw do u think these feelings i've had can just dissapear or would they just hide themselves and resurface again? i've started thinking that if i keep feeling this way then maybe it'll overcome my negative side.

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Welcome!! I'm glad you made it on this forum! It is a great place to go for support. I resonated a lot with your story a lot and definitely saw myself in a lot of those situations. It definitely sounds like you could be possibly suffering from depression. When did all these thoughts start to occur? Did you ever feel like they were deeply rooted in your subconscious but never presented themselves until recently. You talk about so many issues a lot of people with depression face, such as lower self esteem, anxiety, and loneliness. You are not the only one. In a way that can be horrible but liberating at the same time, but it speaks a lot about how real depression really is. There is no on or off switch for it. You cant just "snap" out of it. Its a really complicated illness. The part that makes it harder is, it doesn't have obvious physical symptoms such as a common cold or diabetes. So its thought an invisible illness, hence why a lot of your peers may not take it seriously. Its a crummy situation. It really is. I've been suffering from it for about 20 years. Some days I lose hope, some days suicidal, but I still believe there are ways to help. I have had many psychiatrists and therapists in my lifetime. Some were good, some mot so much. Kind of like teachers. Hopefully you will find one that will work for you. And don't beat yourself up. I know many who don't understand may say something's that spark guilt, but don't listen. Just try to do the best YOU can. You know you best. There are many forms of help out there and I wish you the best of luck of finding the best you can receive! If you get discouraged come back here and vent and we all can try our best to help everyone out! Best of luck to you!!!

Icarus

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well they started occurring a few years back. i've always been socially awkward and shy tho.

A few years ago I wouldn't have seen myself as "depressed," just sad but i guess that's when the seeds were first planted and i noticed that i started getting more negative and pessimistic. Also during the last few years my self esteem and confidence has fallen which has just helped make the problem worse but i thought it was just what happens to normal people because everybody gets sad or feel nervous. it's only now that i decided that i sound as if i'm "depressed" so i did some research :P it reached a point where it's starting to be unbearable. At the moment these thoughts are bearable. i've managed to ignore them or somehow stop myself from being affected by the negative attacks on my brain. i feel a lot better now but the question i'm asking at the moment is how long this state will last. I know the feelings i've described are hidden deep down/subconciously. i guess one of the reasons i don't think i'm depressed is because i have periods where consciously i feel fine ( i still have the negative mindset and low self confidence but my negative thoughts aren't affecting me too much. if they were i'd start feeling hopeless, etc...)

did u have to pay for the therapists and psychiatrists? do u think you'll finally overcome your depression or are u going to learn how to cope with it so that it doesn't affect u?

the thing is i have school mates and friends that i talk to and act normally around but i wouldn't cal them good friends. i can't tell them about how i feel because they wouldn't understand or i don't trust them or i don't feel as if they care and that's what makes me feel lonely because i can't tell anyone. the thing is i've tried to talk less to my friends because they make me feel guilty. the only problem is that it makes me lonely at school because they're the people i talk to everyday.

thanks :)

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I guess the reason i feel a lot is better is because i've booked an appointment and also opening up to everyone here. everyone's been so helpful :) i've still got a lot of work to do tho to permanently fix myself...

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