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Old Bullies Living Their Lives, While The Victim Still Lives In Turmoil


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I tend to facebook and twitter creep some of my old bullies to see how they're doing. I can't help to see them living their lives all happy. It makes me feel like I should move on with my life. Although I've tried to many times to cure my depression, I've failed miserably. Because of this, I really don't believe in karma anymore. I just want to get better and move on with my life. I've suffered with depression for 5 years, everytime I see these people living happily, it gives me motivation to move on with my life, then I fail and feel even more miserable.

Have you guys ever seen people from your past doing well? Does it ever make you feel bad about your life?

I really want to get better, but sometimes it feels like it is impossible... :(

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IC2D,

I am not meaning this as an insult, but c'mon ... you surely have the wherewithall to know that sites like FB (or as I affectionately call it Ar$ebook) are shams. Do you honestly think that people are going to put up their REAL status rather than some superficial one? I used to be addicted to it, but after realising that its a sham (after all, Zucherburg ain't exactly the role model for friendship anyways), I just pulled the plug one weekend on it. Did the world end? No.

As hard as this is, you must try to see your life as being fruitful in itself and even get out of the habit of comparing yourself to anyone, be it friend or foe. As hard as this sounds, you must forgive yourself as your depression is the bully now (I know that sounds cruel, but its true). You are living a real non-superficial existence where you struggle but somehow keep going. Looking at those FB statuses may make you think "Oh look, so and so has it all and I have nothing but pain". That is not the truth! In this time of recession, everyone is struggling and those that don't seem to be are in denial and are in for a rude and crude awakening. I honestly think that you need to seek forgiveness for yourself for you perceiving that it was your fault for this bullying - it wasn't.

You still have youth on your side? You still are an interesting and self-made person? You have inklings of hobbies that, hey with the New Year coming, you may take up and meet new and genuine friends? You fully realise that there will never be a day that everything will be sorted allowing you to "live happily ever after", but that the true mark of a person is the adversity that we fight and win over? You also realise that a top of the range BMW or 14 bedroom mansion cannot hug you and say "I love you"? You realise that being on some sunny Barbados beach does not even register against having a friendly chat over a simple cuppa cha (tea) or coffee?

Look up the Desideretta (sic). It might help.

And in the words of Oscar Wilde - "Forgive your enemies - it will only annoy them".

You are a brilliant person but the only person that needs convincing of that is yourself.

Stonium

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Since I quit FB, I've been a lot less anxious. I was addicted, and it took several deactivations. It's not a good place if you're depressed, but I do understand the wanting to check. Maybe try to cut down. And remember, not everyone is as happy on FB as they'd like you to think!

Be well

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Well I'm not on Facebook and I don't track or keep up with people who treated me like crap - I mean why would I wanna do that? But the people who use to tease me were not popular and were teasing me for being fat because they didn't wanna get teased about how THEY looked, and they use to tease me about acting white when I'd celebrate getting a good grade because they were mad they were getting crappy grades, so I can't imagine they'd be soaring to success right now. But even if they are, I wouldn't even care. Being jealous of them would give them too much satisfaction or power in my life, and that idea makes me sick at 24 years old.

DON'T' GIVE THEM THE SATISFACTION OR POWER TO CONTROL YOUR LIFE ANYMORE!!!! <3 <3

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Yeah, I've never really believed in karma, either. Eventually someone might have enough enemies or possible pitfalls due to their behavior that it bites them in the ass, but I don't think it was decided. There's nothing a child can do to deserve bullying, abuse, m*****, or rape through bad karma in any just celestial system.

I don't think people can simply "move on," though, or that they should blame themselves for not suddenly being able to feel better just because they realize that everyone else has moved on. Childhood problems affect people on a very deep level, and that takes time to resolve.

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I tend to facebook and twitter creep some of my old bullies to see how they're doing. I can't help to see them living their lives all happy. It makes me feel like I should move on with my life. Although I've tried to many times to cure my depression, I've failed miserably. Because of this, I really don't believe in karma anymore. I just want to get better and move on with my life. I've suffered with depression for 5 years, everytime I see these people living happily, it gives me motivation to move on with my life, then I fail and feel even more miserable.

Have you guys ever seen people from your past doing well? Does it ever make you feel bad about your life?

I really want to get better, but sometimes it feels like it is impossible... :(

I feel like this all the time. I don't wish ill fate on anyone, but it is hard seeing a bully live their life while we are still suffering or living miserably. In my opinion, part of the reason is the bullies were our energy suckers and lowered our self-esteem with their abuse. By doing this, it built up their self-esteem to achieve what they wanted to do in life. While we are left with mental illnesses, low self-esteem and a host of other problems. Also, I think the success you see could have come from them bullying plenty of people to get their way to the top. For example, some people bully their competition out of the workforce and next thing you know they end up a boss or getting promoted (personal experience). I don't know why this happens but life is truly unfair. I think your best bet would be to stop looking at their Facebook because that will just make you feel worse. People usually only put positive information on Facebook anyway or some people could even be lying with certain posts. I knew a lady who pretended she was married. Anyway, I hope things work out for you one day and the bullies see how successful you become (hopefully better than them...lol). Edited by candy22
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I agree with ALL that has been said here. I think what Candy22 said is very true as well. Maybe some bullies are more successful (or seem to be that way) because unfortunately, we live in a ruthless world that thrives on competition and backstabbing to get ahead.

I realize this now more than ever. I now believe that some people viciously bullied me when I was growing up for various reasons. At the time I didn't understand it, but now I do. I think that some people perceived me as a "threat"...I defied stereotypes in many ways and they were uncomfortable with that. So they wanted to hurt me, to put me in my "place" because they didn't want me to be confident or successful or happy. After all, we couldn't have Blue feeling like she was actually worthy of anything, could we? *sarcasm* So this is part of why some people are so cruel. They believe that part of survival is hurting others and showing dominance...much like the behavior of animals who haven't evolved.

And I also agree that Facebook shows only a part of the story. Sometimes people will try to make it seem like their lives are better or more interesting than they really are. I found this to be true with my cousin. She has billions of "friends" on Facebook. She has thousands of pictures (nearly all of herself) in sexy poses, smiling and acting flirty, or in social situations. I won't lie...when I still used Facebook, I was jealous and sad. I would look at her pictures sometimes and read all of the positive comments people left on her wall, and wonder why no one seemed to like me. I even considered trying to take some flattering pictures of myself and upload them to Facebook in the hope that people would leave positive comments. But then my Facebook account was hacked, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Not being on Facebook helps me to be more private in a world where everyone is in somebody else's business, and it also helps me to be more grounded.

The reality? My cousin promotes herself as a model on Facebook but she struggles because her niche is in "plus-size" modeling. She is happy in her current relationship, but stuck in a dead-end job that she hates. She might have tons of friends but has a troubled relationship with her mother. So I guess my point is that there is more to it than meets the eye. Very few people will actually admit on Facebook that their "perfect" life is a farce.

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That's interesting about your cousin. I think I've remarked before that I see parallels between your cousin and my step-niece (who is just five years younger than I am). She has over a thousand Facebook friends and is constantly posting new and flattering photos of herself. Yet in reality I don't think her self-esteem is very high. In my experience women who are exceptionally attractive understand at some level that people flock to them simply because they are attractive, and if they end up coasting through life on their looks that isn't very admirable. Whereas us plainer women have to develop other attributes like brains, personality and creativity.

I like candy 22's point as well. I tend to buy into the New Age crap that people who have success have "empowered their inner potential to actualize their dreams" or some such garbage. Whereas sometimes it's just the meanest dog that gets the bone.

Lol true, Lauryn...I wouldn't say that my cousin is exceptionally attractive but she has very large breasts and is willing to show them off, hence her popularity with men. And she has a very flirtatious personality so that wins over people of both sexes. There are plenty of women who are prettier and nicer than she is, but she seems to have some quality that people are drawn to.

I wouldn't describe myself as "plain" really...I am somewhat pretty, but in a different way from her. Our looks and behaviors are very different. I suppose that in our Caribbean culture some people might find her more attractive because she fits their standard, whereas I might fit more into the beauty standards of another culture. I guess it's all relative. But I'm trying to stop comparing myself with her and others, and simply be the best version of myself. It is SO difficult, though.

And you have me cracking up over here...I love those last two sentences! You are right, some of that stuff is bogus. I wish it were true. If so, all of us on DF would be billionaires and our lives would be charmed. Don't get me wrong, some of the New Age stuff is positive and optimistic but not always grounded in reality. Sometimes life just isn't fair. The stars align differently for everyone. Some people are born lucky, others work hard and finally achieve success, others work hard to no avail.

I often think about people I've known or have encountered and wonder what they're up to. Like the kids who bullied me in school...where are they now? Have any of them become successful? Or my abusive ex...how is his relationship with the mother of his child? And sometimes I get down, because I feel like my own life is a complete failure. But this is a self-defeating attitude. It's a New Year. We must try to adopt new, healthy ways of coping.

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I feel the same thing. For some reason I love to check on them on FB and twitter, sometime its give me hope and I dunno why since they are all living a happy life. But you know those model type are mosly stuck in a dead end job or receive assitance I know some. But they love to be all glam up on FB.... but most of my bullies and exclassmate are living da life. I can't never be sure if they are that satisfied with their life but I still do belive in Karma, they might be beautiful and sucessful maybe they got hit or about to get hit by karma but we don't know about it.

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  • 4 months later...

I just found out one of my former bullies from high school graduated from law school. I can't believe this nut will be a lawyer. Her bullying ways were torture. She used to follow me on my walk home from school and call me horrible names.

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I just found out one of my former bullies from high school graduated from law school. I can't believe this nut will be a lawyer. Her bullying ways were torture. She used to follow me on my walk home from school and call me horrible names.

It just goes to show how karma is nothing but a myth, an urban legend. If you can talk the talk and know how to play the game, people will hand you anything no matter how much you've abused someone else. Money, jobs, growth, relationships, family, great sex, luxuries, anything...And who's going to be left with nothing? The victim. And who's gonna keep living with nothing the day after tomorrow, and forever on? The victim. Basically, the bully dies in peace, and the victim dies is agony, right?

But it's not always that way...

Because some victims become angry at their perpetrators for what's been done to them. There are plenty of cases where former bully victims do onto others what has been done to them. Those bullies didn't wake up one morning, and decide to bully others out of the blue. Because if bullying is the answer to guarenteed success in life, then why don't we all pick on someone smaller than us to make ourselves bigger, more likable, more rich, and more desirable to the ladies?

There's a reason why each bully decides to create some victims. While each person has different motives/reasons, all of them are looking for the exact same thing: someone that doesn't hit back too hard. Which means all of them share one particular trait: they are all cowards. They only pick on someone smaller or in such as small minority so that it's guarenteed that the person won't hit back too hard and won't get any peer support. Those people are p*ssies against someone their own size or who fits in well.

Some bullies, no matter how cruel, have confidence in other areas and look like gold in front of others. But being popular is not essential to achieve happiness. Being well is what really matters. Just because they have the world handed to them on a silver platter doesn't mean than you, the 'nice guy', automatically gets a pile of sh*t instead. Everyone is entitled to something productive, for their own happiness and satisfaction, and in return some attraction by other humans.

But bullying does bring victims down. But that doesn't mean you have to let one person's way of dealing with tough situations define your entire outlook on yourself, and everybody else. If you're being bullied by one person, stand up against him. Your friends will support you. If you're being ganged up, tell that coward that he's just a POS who needs to rely on his 10 backups to elevate himself. If everybody is teasing you at school, change schools.

But always stop the bullying by any (legal) means necessary. It's a must for your own dignity and humanity. That's the whole secret that many victims of bullying completely disregard.

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Sadly a lot of problematic people become successful. I used to naively think that people got what they deserve but I don't think that's the case at any more. Sadly some seriously unwell people will end up in jobs where they can cause great harm to others. Partly because of their ruthlessness. Lets hope she has grown up a bit and if she hasn't that someone will suss her out and control her.

I think that those who are not abusive can also win though. And in a more satisfying way. I can't believe that there is any joy in a life lived that victimises others. It must be empty at best. All we can do is work on our own healing. It's hard when it feels like there isn't any justice. What helps me is to try to focus on the justice in my present immediate life and try to life my life healthily.

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Sadly a lot of problematic people become successful. I used to naively think that people got what they deserve but I don't think that's the case at any more. Sadly some seriously unwell people will end up in jobs where they can cause great harm to others. Partly because of their ruthlessness. Lets hope she has grown up a bit and if she hasn't that someone will suss her out and control her.

I think that those who are not abusive can also win though. And in a more satisfying way. I can't believe that there is any joy in a life lived that victimises others. It must be empty at best. All we can do is work on our own healing. It's hard when it feels like there isn't any justice. What helps me is to try to focus on the justice in my present immediate life and try to life my life healthily.

Nobody wakes up one day without any self-worth out of the blue. In 100% of the cases, some member(s) of human species took it from us.

No one deserves any unjustified punishment more than anybody else. There's no justice, no gods that will save us or do anything at all for us, but there will always be opportunities to fight off other people's bad behaviors, and stand up for our dignity.

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Yes I've felt really upset whenever I see a bully going on normally with their lives while I'm continue to suffer. However my bully was my old boyfriend and I still suffer from truama still to this day and seeking therapy for it. Been to his FB many times but I won't allow myself to visit his page anymore cause I know what the damage it can do to me. Right now I'm trying to focus on healing, I could care less what he's doing with his life. I won't let him have the kind of power over me. I'm sorry to hear how down you've been due to this. However I do get where you're coming from and anytime I went to his FB, I was depressed and down on myself for the entire day. I'd get down on myself and tell myself things that's not even true. Here's a hug for you. :hugs:

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  • 3 weeks later...

I can understand this feeling, but the thing is, due to the kind of school I went to, many of the people who "bullied" me, which I use quite lightly due to the fact these schools were quite weird in that regard, I highly doubt will achieve much later in life.

One really vicious one was mentally handicapped, he couldn't act normally around others, couldn't shut up for a single second, was incredibly twitchy and violent towards others. Plus I recall his grades were absolutely awful.

The thing I am trying to say is, anyone can be successful in life, just because they bully you doesn't mean they will be better than you later on. I would suggest focusing in your own strengths and use them for later in life. I know I am, just the only bully I have to deal with (someone else said this but whatever because it's true) right now is depression. I don't mind being a loner, just as long as the depression goes I can focus on doing what I want to do.

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  • 3 months later...

Lol I used to check out my bullies facebook pages a lot and they all seem to live very great lifestyles now. Most of them posting up pictures of themselves partying, getting drunk, hanging out with loads of people I don't even know and maturing a lot in their physique while I still remain looking like a 22-year-old trapped in a 10-year-old body. I've been the same height I was since middle school (4'11) and haven't grown since. It really bothers me and makes me highly self-conscious. When I see how enjoyable my bullies lives are now, it really pi**es me off. I just feel like they don't deserve it for what they've done. What oddly annoys me more is when I see 8-year-olds much taller than me. Today at work I was listening to a 9-year-old girl bragging to some other kids about her outgoing life and how "all her friends are tall" of course being that she is like 5'4 and only 9. I swear I always thought she was 12. Tall girls make me jealous, but I know it's not something I should get mad about. I hate being a jealous person. I guess it's cause I can't fit in and "feel" normal like other people>:(

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I tend to facebook and twitter creep some of my old bullies to see how they're doing. I can't help to see them living their lives all happy. It makes me feel like I should move on with my life. Although I've tried to many times to cure my depression, I've failed miserably. Because of this, I really don't believe in karma anymore. I just want to get better and move on with my life. I've suffered with depression for 5 years, everytime I see these people living happily, it gives me motivation to move on with my life, then I fail and feel even more miserable.

Have you guys ever seen people from your past doing well? Does it ever make you feel bad about your life?

I really want to get better, but sometimes it feels like it is impossible... :(

I, too, sometimes "stalk" my bullies on the Internet to see how they are doing, and mostly they are doing fine. But honestly, I gave up on this quest for justice, karma, revenge, or whatever you call it. I spent most of my life trying to be better than them, make them jealous of me etc... Then I realized the ambition was almost going to drive me insane. I am not a competitive person in nature, and trying to be one consumes me. I stopped trying to shape my life according to their life goals, and started to focus on what I really want. For now, I want to heal, to find peace and learn not to care about what others think of me. I don't want to waste my life trying to be like them.

However, sometimes I still cannot help but checking upon them, but I don't beat myself up anymore. I just want to know if something bad has happened to them, and if one day I find out they have gone bankrupt, or died in a car crash, I will walk around with a huge smile on my face.

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It does not seem fair, does it? I had to deactivate my Facebook account in part because I was seeing that some of my former bullies were getting along with their lives just fine. While I am a mess. I am glad I live on the other side of town since that minimizes the chance of running into them on busses or in stores, which causes me some distress. I always "joke" that I ought to sue my school district for the cost of co-pays for my meds, therapy, and psychiatrist appointments.

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IC2D,

I have walked in your shoes. I check up on my old enemies from high school on Facebook, and deep down, I tear myself apart wondering how they could be so successful and happy while I'm still down in the dumps. A true cynic would say that in order to get ahead in life, one has to bring others down. As depressed as I am, I find the whole "buck up or die" philosophy to be truly dangerous and poisonous. Optimism with a side of realism, on the other hand, can do wonders.

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IC2D,

Being 44, my high school days are so far behind me it's like a different life. I'll see if I can remember...

My 'bully' was my 'best friend,' and we were best friends all through high school and off and on after high school for most of my twenties. [not coincidentally, my twenties were my worst depression years, bar none.] I never realized how toxic she was until I met my current spouse, and learned what real friendship and respect is. I was so desperate to hang on to someone that I felt understood me, that I think I blinded myself to her put-downs and cruelty.

The final straw was a horrible and nasty email she sent in response to an opinion email I shared with her and my family. My family responded with questions, as this opinion did not sound typical of me, but my 'best friend' called me a lot of nasty names and made a lot of nasty threats right off the bat. I started probably a dozen email answers to her before I had my epiphany regarding our 'friendship' and decided to just let it go. I never responded to her nasty email, I deleted her email address and contact info and did my best to never look back.

My spouse was instrumental in helping me maintain my focus. It took me years to get past the abuse and bullying of that 'friendship.' In many ways, I am still dealing with the fallout. So many times I tried to find her FB page, or I Googled the town she lived in at the time, and once or twice I even joined high school alumni sites on the off chance she might go there. Letting go of that toxic relationship was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I believe spasmodically looking for updates on your bullies is actually part of the healing process. But you have to maintain your focus on what's ahead of you, and be ruthless in your determination to cut those people out of your life completely. For now, you have to cut all 'contact,' virtual, imagined, or otherwise. Let us or a physical friend help you maintain your forward focus in those weak moments. If it wasn't for my spouse listening to my rants about her abuse, helping me find a goal to work toward, or reminding me not to look back, I don't know if I would have made it out.

Part of overcoming your abuse is to leave your bully behind. Part of leaving your bully behind is realizing you are worth the effort, you have something to contribute, you have something worthwhile right in front of you to achieve or create or participate in. Focus on who you are, what you believe in, what your goals are, and what you can contribute. If you have to leave FB in order to do this, I'd encourage that. My spouse has actually done that several times, for just that reason.

Never forget that you are an amazing person, IC2D! You can work through this, you can do this!

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Hi IC2D,

I think everyone is guilty of stalking the people who unsettle us from time to time. I personally seek it out when I already feel low, in some sort of sadist-like way of challenging the universe to make me feel worse. I get rid of Facebook periodically. It feels like getting over an addiction at first, but you will feel miles better after just a few days. I'm 25 and have been known to use it heavily, but admittedly having a profile doesn't enhance my life one bit.

On the other side of the coin, you never really know who is looking at your social media profiles in return. And it's very true that everything on them is false. My Facebook doesn't show even a slight truth about what I struggle with every day.

As for karma....well, I choose to believe that there's some reason why some suffer and others don't - lessons we're still learning? Are we less-successful but better people than they are? Are we just more complicated? But maybe it's best to just remember that life is a race against yourself, not others.

x

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Leave them alone.

First, you've got an incomplete picture of their lives. They may be successful in some very obvious ways, but disasters in others. How do you know they aren't suffering internally? Perhaps they're experiencing grief. Perhaps they're still suffering the insecurities that drove them to become bullies in the first place. Perhaps they're suffering from depression because of their past hurtful behavior. People seldom share those things.

Second, perhaps they've changed. On a daily basis, we are exposed to influences that change us. Media. Business situations. Educational events. We meet people that can transform us through love. Patience. Understanding.

And unless you've still got routine contact with these people, you simply don't know them well enough to judge.

Sure, they may still be the bullies you remember, and may be successful and prosperous or whatever. So what? Live your life. Following them on Facebook or LinkedIn or whatever is simply time wasted, time you could be spending improving yourself and your life - time you'll never get back.

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