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I Think I May Be Depressed, Not Sure What To Do?


jmsx1993

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First off I just want to start off by saying hello. My name is Jenna & I'm 20. I'm new here and just from browsing around a bit, I can already tell that this seems like a nice place.

A little bit of background info...I've never officially been diagnosed with depression before. I never thought I might have it until recently. (The past several months.) I've always suffered from some mild anxiety, but again nothing extreme and nothing that I've been officially diagnosed with.

Lately though, I've just been feeling down. It's weird for me to feel like this, but then again I've had a lot going on. This might get a little long and I apologize in advance but if you take the time to read it I'd really appreciate it a lot.

First off, there's the whole relationship department. I've had a rocky year with this guy, I'll call him A. A and I originally met in highschool and were together for 3 and a half years. We broke up almost 2 years ago due to a lot of issues that we couldn't get resolved. After giving each other some time to cool down, we resumed a friendship. To this day I still consider him one of my best friends despite the fact that we're exes. However, that friendship quickly turned into a friends with benefits situation and then back into an attempted relationship, which didn't work out, again. (I know, I know.) Doesn't sound too messed up though, right? Well it gets worse. Back in September, I found out I was pregnant. My emotions became a roller coaster. I was terrified, excited, freaked out and upset all at the same time. Logically I knew I couldn't keep the baby, I'm 20 years old and going to college full time, there's just no way. My family would have disowned me, I'd be completely on my own, and considering they're paying for my school and I'm living at home, that's a big deal for me. But emotionally I was still excited in a sense, I mean it was my baby. I ended up deciding to have an abortion in November, but to this day that has haunted me. It's turned me into this regretful, guilty mess and I don't even understand why.

In fairness to A, even though we didn't work out relationship wise, he has gone out of his way to be there for me as a friend supporting me through having the abortion, being there for me when I'm upset afterwards, etc. (I didn't tell anyone else about my pregnancy. Not one of my other friends, not my parents, etc. I couldn't. Until I knew for sure what I was going to do, I didn't want anyone else being brought into it. And my parents would have FLIPPED out. So I still can't tell them that this entire thing even happened.)

But even that support isn't enough. I'm starting to hate myself because of this, it's tearing me up inside.

I've also recently started seeing someone new, but he doesn't know about any of the pregnancy stuff yet, even though I want to tell him eventually.

On top of all that, I'm also beyond stressed with school, I feel like a failure because I'm not doing as well in my classes as I would have liked, and my part time job is stressing me out too. basically I'm feeling really down and unmotivated right now. All I want to do is lie in my bed, be in my room by myself and sleep. I don't even want to hang out with my friends as much anymore, which is so not like me.

I really don't know what to do. I'm not suicidal or anything, I don't want to die, but I feel like I have so much hurt bottled up inside of me that I'm going to burst.

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I was your age when all my depression started. Strangely enough, it involved an abortion and miscarriage. If you're really feeling the way you do, your best bet is to speak with your Physician, or even a Counselor at your school (which is free). They will then be able to help you from there, and determine whether or not you may benefit from treatment.

And welcome to the forum. :-)

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Jmsx,

I have not been thru what you have described. I am so sorry. Things happen, and it is certainly possible some form of depression is hurting you.

I am in no way a doctor or expert (just a sufferer); but I would recommend you get help now. A counsellor, therapist, doctor, whatever. Cont let things get worse - because it can get a lot worse.... the good news is that you can get better. There is a LOT of help out there, and you are not alone.

There is a lot of good reading here on this site. This is a safe place. Please look around and post questions.

Sending you warm wishes, jmg

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I was your age when all my depression started. Strangely enough, it involved an abortion and miscarriage. If you're really feeling the way you do, your best bet is to speak with your Physician, or even a Counselor at your school (which is free). They will then be able to help you from there, and determine whether or not you may benefit from treatment.

And welcome to the forum. :-)

Thank you! :)

That's a good idea about speaking to a counselor. My only concern would be whether or not treatment would cost much/be expensive, I'm in that "broke college kid" stage and I don't have extra money for something like that. So finding something free would be ideal!

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If you're a student, it will be free. It's part of your tuition costs. That's where I go for therapy. Might as well take advantage of it now while you still can! Check out your school's Wellness Center, they should have a Mental Health department too.

Edited by Cyberpunk
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Thank you all, getting some feedback on all this really did help. I like this site already. Some of the other ones I've been on didn't seem to be as helpful.

I'm going to look into my school's wellness center and see what types of services that they offer. And I'm also going to try and see how I can go about letting go of some of the regret I'm having about the abortion.

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