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Did You Accomplish Anything Today? Anything At All? If So, Post Here!


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Today was a very bad day. I was supposed to have a breakfast date with this guy and he pretty much cancelled on me. So I spent most of the day in bed. I then got an email about how I "missed" a payment from my apartment complex so now there's a late fee. I also learned that they're going to be doing inspections and I'm notorious for failing those so there goes another charge on top of that. The battery in my car keys went out so I have to manually open the door now. The only good thing that happened today was that my work shoes made it to my apartment but because of today's events, I'm honestly afraid to open them and see if they fit or not. 

 

Edit: Also, not to get too graphic but my toilet is clogged. 

Edited by Royally1nsane
Forgot to add something.
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On 25.12.2017 at 11:16 PM, Royally1nsane said:

Yeah I get that. I think for me, there is such a huge amount of competition and I want to do great at it and see results but I get jealous, you know? I see other people who like their work a lot more in comparssion to mine and it just makes me almost hate what I'm doing. Like, what's the point of doing this if I'm so focused on what everyone else is doing? 

 

OP: I've been a little depressed today and yesterday. I'm graduating soon and I found out that after the summer I still need one more class to take in order to graduate. It sucks because I would've been finished by August but because I messed up with one class, I'm faced with the possibility of not graduating on time. It sucks because, I had a really rough time last year with school to the point where I called the schools' suicide prevention hotline and found out there was a waiting list. Yes, that's right, a waiting list. I keep thinking of ways to make this whole situation better but nothing is working out right. What's even worse is that school won't open again until mid January because we're on a Winter Break. So, my anxiety is once again off the charts and my family and friends tell me not to get worked up over this change of plans but we all know how it is. If you've got anxiety, especially off the charts anxiety, you can't stop thinking about the future. For the life of me, I will be thinking about this until I get the situation resolved somehow. 

Today, I have been avoiding my family and friends on account of my depression lately. I can't even bring myself to say Merry Christmas to any of them right now. Only thing keeping me together is watching Hulu. I guess, I'm so stressed out about the whole situation that it's just ironic. I worked so hard this past year to turn things around and I'm almost a the finish line and then this happened. I don't even know what to do anymore. Anyway, that's what happened today. So thanks for listening. 

 

I think graduating later is not so bad. I was supposed to graduate last spring, even had everything done, but couldnt actually present my final work. It was a photography exhibition, but i was not happy with it and didnt present it as my final work.. so i didnt graduate...). I was disappointed of myself, but not anymore, because with all the hard times its good that i will propably graduate this spring and i havent at least dropped out of school or smth like that. This year i also took some extra classes so this time is not "waisted", also i try to make final work something that i feel proud and work with my self confidence, this is propably even harder than actually doing the artwork. The exhibition i had was actually propably good to, according to my teachers and other people who were in the opening of the exhibition, but i felt its terrible, i cried before opening and wantwd to run away.. so this is an example also how feelings are sometimes not facts about the quality of work, people did like it and i got lot of compliments and interesting questions that showed me that people felt connected and interested and were not just saying its good just to be polite.  I remember when i sent those photos to my teacher, i actually felt so embarrased and disappointed and thought they are so awful and she will be angry that my work is so terrible and maybe even laugh. Now i look the same photos and i really think they are ok/good, but obviously always have room to improve and this time i want to make it even better. Also i have had work that i felt good about it, but my teachers didnt think its as good as it should be and gave me lot of critics, but when i am "at good place" i dont get sad about this and still enjoy what i do and that i have an opportunity to get feedback doesnt matter good or bad. Not everytime it can be good, but have to keep going and not be too critical of everything not being so good or sometimes feeling low without a reason.

Sometimes i feel also that my work doesnt make me happy and makes me anxious like my life in general, but then i have better times and i feel it does make me happy, at least more than other things. I hope you get that feeling soon also! Just try not to overthink it, ahaha i know how hard it is.. and i think there are lot of artists who are not always happy with their work, but who are talented, i have talked with people whos work i think is really good, but who felt worried like you or like i have been before :) 

I hope it gets better soon! I think you have done very good because you are still in school and keep going, it doesnt matter if you graduate little bit later, its still something to be proud of. Lot of people who have anxiety/mental problems and who also are talented cant even study or manage to stay at school, so you are doing good! Be proud of that and keep going! Later you can use these extreme emotions in your work too, maybe even now, just for yourself, dont even think about it if you will share this work or not. Maybe it helps using this "low" as a subject?

Take care, i am sure you are talented! 

Its so weird how talking with other people about these feelings makes me think positively and inspires myself to not be so critical about myself too! :) 

Can i ask what are you studing and what is your main interest? I understand its art/creative subjects, but more exactly? If wou want to share :)

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Mon (25.12)

Positive

  • Visited my friend - dinner, shampagne and a nice chat. I felt close to her and we can discuss different personal subjects, although we dont know each other long time. She has a dog and a cat too, for me dogs are like therapy :) 

Tue to Thursday (26.12-28.12)

Positive

  • Cleaned my room, mostly clothing. Got rid of 48 pieces of not necessary clothes.. still nowhere near done sorting out stuff... but feel good that i started, although i am very slow!
  • Studied little bit spanish (listened to youtube videos, should but more time/effort into it, have exam soon).
  • Read a book about childhood trauma. Its hard to think about childhood, so i just read little bit.
  • Expressed myself clearly to my mother, didnt go into arguments or not necessary discussions and didnt even show to her how angry she makes me (that would just lead to manipulation and lies from her side). Just said that she really needs to stop contacting and i need 0 stress and contact. There are very serious reasons for this and i made this decision more than a year ago, but sometimes she still tries and everytime i get so upset.. i said if necessary i will take prohibition of approach (? - not sure of this word, but basically i mean i would go into court and try to get the law on my side, so that she is not allowed to contact me). Tried to not feel guilty later.
  • More positive/calm about the future, i try to motivate myself to make little changes (cleaning for example to not have extreme mess and pointless stuff surrounding me and making me feel bad, seems little thing, but it could really help).
  • Anxiety that was extreme before with my new antidepressant has gone down little bit. It was very bad, self harm etc.. now i dont feel so bad and i have not injured myself.

Today Fri (29.12)

Positive

  • signed a contract that i promised to send few days ago.. at least now i did it
  • posted here

 

  • Plan to make some staged photography series for school, clean, listen to spanish youtube videos, maybe read a trauma book. Or maybe just one of those things as its already late. Propably start with photos as this is school task that i am supposed to do today.

Negative 

  • Havent left my room since monday, didnt go to my friends place at tuesday although promised, but just couldnt... 
  • Didnt post here so many days.
  • Too lazy to cook normal meals so i eat not so healthy food. 
  • Have nightmares and feel little bit tired and weird. Last night dream was really scary. Mostly i dont remember and just wake up covered with cold sweat, shaking from the cold and feeling bad.
  • Got very upset when my mother tried to contact me and i talked with her that she needs to stop doing that, but it was necessary to do that. This time maybe she understood i am not gonna change my mind.

 

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On 12/28/2017 at 11:22 AM, Mattymatt said:

I woke up, got out of bed, and managed to score two job interviews next week. I don't feel real great and am terrified of going back to work but here goes nothing. Soldier on!

Hey WOW congratulations on the two job interviews!  That's amazing!!

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None of the things I do are "achievements..." I am a completely and utterly useless mess who never accomplishes anything... I can't wait to "go" and then be reincarnated into a beautiful singer or something... At least be beautiful and mental illness-free! I shouldn't have been born 

Edited by babyxgothxx
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8 hours ago, Kirke said:

I think graduating later is not so bad. I was supposed to graduate last spring, even had everything done, but couldnt actually present my final work. It was a photography exhibition, but i was not happy with it and didnt present it as my final work.. so i didnt graduate...). I was disappointed of myself, but not anymore, because with all the hard times its good that i will propably graduate this spring and i havent at least dropped out of school or smth like that. This year i also took some extra classes so this time is not "waisted", also i try to make final work something that i feel proud and work with my self confidence, this is propably even harder than actually doing the artwork. The exhibition i had was actually propably good to, according to my teachers and other people who were in the opening of the exhibition, but i felt its terrible, i cried before opening and wantwd to run away.. so this is an example also how feelings are sometimes not facts about the quality of work, people did like it and i got lot of compliments and interesting questions that showed me that people felt connected and interested and were not just saying its good just to be polite.  I remember when i sent those photos to my teacher, i actually felt so embarrased and disappointed and thought they are so awful and she will be angry that my work is so terrible and maybe even laugh. Now i look the same photos and i really think they are ok/good, but obviously always have room to improve and this time i want to make it even better. Also i have had work that i felt good about it, but my teachers didnt think its as good as it should be and gave me lot of critics, but when i am "at good place" i dont get sad about this and still enjoy what i do and that i have an opportunity to get feedback doesnt matter good or bad. Not everytime it can be good, but have to keep going and not be too critical of everything not being so good or sometimes feeling low without a reason.

Sometimes i feel also that my work doesnt make me happy and makes me anxious like my life in general, but then i have better times and i feel it does make me happy, at least more than other things. I hope you get that feeling soon also! Just try not to overthink it, ahaha i know how hard it is.. and i think there are lot of artists who are not always happy with their work, but who are talented, i have talked with people whos work i think is really good, but who felt worried like you or like i have been before :) 

I hope it gets better soon! I think you have done very good because you are still in school and keep going, it doesnt matter if you graduate little bit later, its still something to be proud of. Lot of people who have anxiety/mental problems and who also are talented cant even study or manage to stay at school, so you are doing good! Be proud of that and keep going! Later you can use these extreme emotions in your work too, maybe even now, just for yourself, dont even think about it if you will share this work or not. Maybe it helps using this "low" as a subject?

Take care, i am sure you are talented! 

Its so weird how talking with other people about these feelings makes me think positively and inspires myself to not be so critical about myself too! :) 

Can i ask what are you studing and what is your main interest? I understand its art/creative subjects, but more exactly? If wou want to share :)

I admire the fact you came to that conclusion and  you've managed to put yourself out there like that. With all the confidence in the world might I add. I hope that you do graduate in the Spring because all of that hard work means you deserve it! Thank you so much for the kind words I agree that talking these things out, it does teach us to see ourselves a bit differently than before. I've thought about quitting school and my work so many times because I've just been frustrated and things seem to go left for me a lot but I've been holding on to it. 

If you don't mind I would love to see some of your work! I made it a hobby when I was younger to be a photographer (did not last more than a month lol) but I do admire photography. I like to think that the photographer sees something the audience wouldn't normally see. I guess that's art in general but it's still the same message. There's a side to a work of art no one can really see. 

Ironically, I'm not really studying anything with art. That might explain why I'm not entirely too happy with school as of now. I'm doing a double major in Psychology and Criminal Justice. I'm assuming one must have a stable psyche to handle both subjects but even people in those fields need therapy. As for my creative work I mainly do writing but I also create videos for YouTube. I know there's really a huge debate for whether or not that's considered "artistic" but I'd like to think of it as it is. I'm going through some writers block right now but people often tell me that writing is what I should be focusing on because I'm talented but again, I never really see it. 

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14 hours ago, Royally1nsane said:

If you don't mind I would love to see some of your work! I made it a hobby when I was younger to be a photographer (did not last more than a month lol) but I do admire photography.

Ironically, I'm not really studying anything with art. That might explain why I'm not entirely too happy with school as of now. I'm doing a double major in Psychology and Criminal Justice. I'm assuming one must have a stable psyche to handle both subjects but even people in those fields need therapy. As for my creative work I mainly do writing but I also create videos for YouTube. I know there's really a huge debate for whether or not that's considered "artistic" but I'd like to think of it as it is. 

I would like to share my photos, but i want to be anonymous. I am not famous that people can reqognize my photos, but with google image search my name can be found out easily. At least now i dont feel comfortable with that as i have wrote very personal things here that most people who i know in real life...they have no idea :D Maybe in future i feel more confident and can speak about these problems in real life too and then staying anonymous would not be important.

I think writing and creating videos are creative work too! 

In my experience people who studied or are studing psychology are not always/often stable themselves. I met with my friend at the (mental) hospital and he was studing psychology before.. he is smart and can explain theoretically how the mind works and what can be helpful to overcome depression etc, but that does not stop him feeling terrible sometimes. I actually have considered learning psychology too, now i think i am not gonna study it at uni, but just educate myself with reading some books etc.

If for you being anonymous is not important you can share your youtube link :)  

 

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I did grocery shopping with my son & picked up his meds for him.

I made a chicken soup. It's bitterly cold outside here.

I rented a video for my husband & me to watch: "The Great Escape," lol because I feel like escaping reality today. No seriously. I felt very down because most of what I did was not for myself. Tomorrow, after sleep, it will be different.

 

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@Dolphin2013 You still accomplished something! Yesterday, I didn't get crap done. The new diabetes medicine that I am on has me lower than I am used to so I was irritable and lethargic all day long. This is despite having numbers that are simply fooking out of this world. LOL! My endocrinologist would be doing the dance of joy if she saw these numbers now. I did not have a single number higher than 99! This morning I got an 88 reading, I did not even believe the glucose meter so I took a sample from my arm instead of my finger and the meter read 85! Now I am really happy, so happy I am laughing.

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i went out in the extreme cold both Friday and Saturday nights. I met Rihanna and Charlotte at the Next Act Pub.   They work there and they care about me.  

I made a new friend Tom.  He is an artist and he has some good life experiences.  He is around 65.  He is well educated.  

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Friday and Saturday (29-30.12)

Wanted to do schoolwork/clean my room etc, but couldnt. Didnt leave my room or did anything, exept yesterday my friend came to visit me. I was nervous at first (i dont like visitors usually and just didnt feel like i can be around of people or go out etc), but it was actually good night and he is a good friend. I am happy that he offered to visit me, felt less lonely :)  We drinked alcohol and felt little bit hangovered today. Still a good night as with him its really good to talk. Also he cooked for us, it was nice too:)  Decided that after todays new years party i will have alcohol free january as in february i will go to vacation and then i will propably party. In january i try to focus in school so i dont have to worry when i am at vacation. I hope i can do it.. little bit scared.

Today (Sunday 31.12)

Nothing all day, only went to shop, bought food, beers for tonight and some snacks. Will go to my friends place to celebrate new years. Feel little bit anxious, but try not to overthink. If i dont feel very good i will just be few hours, but propably when i am there i will have fun. Just scared of going. I dont know most people who are there and i think maybe i am so weird and dont have anybody to talk to etc. Propably its not gonna be like that. I am stressed and also said to my firend i come later (they already started), then again changed the time to later and she was like no worries chill, come when you can :) Now i will go to shower and do some light make up and try to look ok. I try to think happy thoughts and hope that my next year will be better and that i can feel happy with my life and myself and reach some goals.

I hope you all will have fantastic 2018! 

Edited by Kirke
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Today has been just the kind of day I needed! I've been approved for gastric bypass surgery. The insurance company surprised me by approving me early. Originally, I would have had to wait until this summer. I got the letter in the mail today. I am hoping with the correction of the physical ailments, some of the mental ailments will lessen.

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50 minutes ago, Mattymatt said:

Today has been just the kind of day I needed! I've been approved for gastric bypass surgery. The insurance company surprised me by approving me early. Originally, I would have had to wait until this summer. I got the letter in the mail today. I am hoping with the correction of the physical ailments, some of the mental ailments will lessen.

Congrat! hope everything will go well

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1.02 Monday

Hangover, bed, food, watched comedy series and slept. Felt anxious and stupid.

2.02 Tuesday

Little bit better mood. Didnt study, but at least went out from my room. Met some friends from school and later another friend visited me.

3.03 Today

Couldnt really fall asleep before morning so i woke up 15.00, havent really done anything, exept listened a short youtube video to learn spanish, like 15 minutes... also i made a list how to manage my schoolwork and paid some pills. Ok maybe not so bad then, i think its something too. Now i try to actually do some studing for exam. Tomorrow have doctors appointment, maybe little bit nervous, dont know why. Also i will have busy week with lot of school and other work, maybe that makes me anxious.

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Well, today was kind of a bummer. I am 0/2 on jobs for the week. It's time to rattle the bushes again and see what comes out. I am still happy because weight loss surgery is next month and I'll be on the road to a happier, healthier me.

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my flippin' ignorant a** went grocery shopping, had a panic attack and filled my cart with junk food like I'm 15 years ago!  Of course spent too much money in a flippin grocery store.  Sitting home mad at ME, i feel so bleeping stupid.

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