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I had a big time depressive episode today. I didn't drink or drug over it. I needed to call my AA sponsor twice. I cried a bit. I made it through work. When I am in those episodes I know that I mine as well try to make money or clean so when I feel better I will have money and a clean place. I think the worst thing I can do is not go to work. That just makes it worse. 

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I woke up feeling exhausted, and managed to get myself to work. Came back from work feeling more exhausted. Had a few bad thoughts cross my mind  (yes they do enter my mind no matter what I do). Talked to my bf who made me smile. Talked to my mom. Currently I feel like there are only two people in the world right now keeping me sane.

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Prepared for the next couple of days full of appointments.  

Almost caught up around the house.

Not caught up as I should be with budget for my accountant.

Have a counseling appointment tomorrow very excited for that.

Trying not to watch the news.  I'm scared for this world.

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This week has been particularly tough.   What is happening in the world is scaring me, thus, in my case, making me feel sadder.  I'm holding back a lot I can say to friends about anything negative in fear of the usual backlash. So I try to avoid confrontations and kind of concentrate on new friendship.  And look forward to counseling where I can be talk openly.  I have been working on projects the past few days, haven't been out much which is ok.  For me being alone really doesn't bug me.  I guess it is called "isolating" but to me that is a word used too freely.  Been writing which always cheers me up.  Just feeling kind of numb.  But I force myself to get things accomplished each day and I seem to function that way.

 

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I took the WORST workout class--cycling--and stayed the whole time even though I wanted to leave after the first two minutes. First, I had no idea those seats were so uncomfortable. I don't know how everyone else wasn't dying too! Secondly, we were supposed to be on gear 15 and I was not anywhere close to that. lol Third, the music was so loud it was giving me a headache. And last but not least, all the cycling was making me feel nauseous. I don't know how but I managed to do the 45 minutes without walking out of there. I doubt I'll ever take that class again though.

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Be free...Time to let go

 

5 years ago, I brought you home...u r only one inch big. Today you hv grown to be 6 inch in length and 4 inch wide. 

It's time to let u go back to the nature as you need a bigger home. May you be well and happy ...and probably find your mates.

I'm going to miss you but I'm happy n proud of you. It's time to let go...swim n be free- releasing my turtle to the nature.

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12 hours ago, ParaDoxiPaladin said:

After seemingly years of self-criticism, fear, and so on, I've finally begun to upload some of my fiction to Wattpad. It probably won't get many views but I need to ignore that and just keep going.

Good for you.   Many people on the forum are writers, some authors.  We have kind of writing group  here with a topic called Creativity While Depressed.  I may have seen you there, but it is a great place for us writers to come together and share through a creative means a way to get well.  Good luck on your upload.  Love to read it.

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Went to a doctor's appointment one whom I see frequently.  I asked how his fourth of July was and he said not good.  Apparently the family went out of state to see his wife's family.  Her mother is severely depressed but refuses any medication to help.  She has family around her which is good.  I don't think they understand the true gravity of the situation, either does my doctor.  Maybe I misread what my doctor was saying, but to me it sounded like she made the whole trip a drag for everyone.  In my mind, assigning blame.

I reminded him I am chronically depressed, and had a mother who we almost lost through her depression.  I didn't want to pry or tell him what to do, but let him know it is important she has love and support from the family.  And to watch her closely.  Obviously I wanted to say she needs to see a Psychiatrist to make a medical plan for her, get her on medication, and hopefully into counseling.  I don't know if that has been presented yet.

Either way, I felt a distance from my doctor all of a sudden.  If he mean't what he said as I interpreted, then we have an example of the stigma that is out there even among those in the medical profession.

It all kind of bugged me all day.

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I'm moving soon so I probably should have been packing all day, but didn't really accomplish much. Hopefully I will get my butt in gear this evening and get some work done.  I have also been waiting around for people from Kijiji to pick up some things I am selling, which has been infuriating! No one is capable of showing up on time for some reason, and some people just don't show up at all.  I wasn't able to go to the gym because I had to wait around for someone to come pick up a dresser I need to get rid of, and now the gym is closed. Why don't people respect others' time?  Argh!

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Cleaned for 68 minutes today. I actually let a neighbor who knocked on my door in my place today. So its passable to let people in. The neighbor asked me to loan her $300 for some of the rent she owes. I felt bad for her. I've loaned her or her husband $20-$60 in the past and they always paid me back. But $300 is a lot. I'm not working myself and am a few months a way from struggling/being in her position so I had to say no.

Did not clean for 68 minutes consecutively. Had a timer and went for 1 minute, 2 minutes, found a rhythm then went for 15 minutes...and continued on in random chunks of time until I finished the 68. Real battle fighting the depression/anxiety today. Starting to see a vision for getting my environment under control.

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I recently got Pokemon Go on my mobile, and in order to "be the very best" and catch them all....I've been...ahem.... walking a minimum of 2.5 kilometers a day, just walking while playing the game! It's forced me to socialize with the "Pokestops" - places to get more items for the game with, as well as take on the Gyms. I try and get someone to come with me most of the time; but I also go out on my own. And me going outside and being social when not in work is a big deal for me.

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A low energy day.  

There is a big street fair in the village where I live and thousands of people.  Was going to take a look and listen to some bands, but too many people.  Glad I have parking in a garage where I live.  Streets were clogged with cars.

So I shopped for some shoes on line with "Zappos" a great online shoe resource by the way.

Now I need to do some serious work on my finances.

Weather is in low 70's and perfect.

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My bed-times and wake times have been getting later and later again recently. Currently it's once again 5am. Hopefully I won't get up at 2pm again as I'm supposed to meet someone -_-

So yeah got up at 2 today, lethargic most of the day, and only got 15 minutes of writing done. But I guess, at least I managed to get some done. And beside that, I've tidied the house and washed the pots, and went for a walk. So it could've been worse I guess.

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Woke up during the night because my lower back was getting stiff and sore, but still managed to get up at 6:30, shower, shave, wash my face, scrub my face, get to the chiropractor on time, and still get to work on time; then managed to get through yet another day of dealing with idiots on the phone. God I hate my job.

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Bad day.  Woke up on a bad note.  Stupid me watched the news.  Feel helpless to really do anything to help the horrible occurrences which have occurred the past couple of months.  Kind of just anxious and I guess angry too.  Haven't wanted to talk with friends lately because I'm afraid I will go off on them.  So concentrating on my writing which is a great outlet for me.  Tomorrow may be better.

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On 7/10/2016 at 11:58 PM, ParaDoxiPaladin said:

My bed-times and wake times have been getting later and later again recently. Currently it's once again 5am. Hopefully I won't get up at 2pm again as I'm supposed to meet someone -_-

So yeah got up at 2 today, lethargic most of the day, and only got 15 minutes of writing done. But I guess, at least I managed to get some done. And beside that, I've tidied the house and washed the pots, and went for a walk. So it could've been worse I guess.

I'm in a similar situation. I currently go to bed at about 9am and wake up at 5pm. Its just a freakin mess

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On 7/10/2016 at 5:33 PM, Ambrer said:

I recently got Pokemon Go on my mobile, and in order to "be the very best" and catch them all....I've been...ahem.... walking a minimum of 2.5 kilometers a day, just walking while playing the game! It's forced me to socialize with the "Pokestops" - places to get more items for the game with, as well as take on the Gyms. I try and get someone to come with me most of the time; but I also go out on my own. And me going outside and being social when not in work is a big deal for me.

Thats really great! Who would've thought that video games would actually encourage people to go outside right? lol 

Just make sure you are being safe, I have heard recent reports of people getting robbed because of the app. Some people would use the Geotagging & beacon options in the game to lure innocent people to a secluded area and rob them.

Not trying to scare you or anything I just want to make sure something bad doesn't happen to you. I think as long as you're not going out at night and you don't go to any sketchy places you should be fine. I think it also helps a lot that you get someone to go with you.

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