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Did You Accomplish Anything Today? Anything At All? If So, Post Here!


dsm

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I did my EFT group.

I missed my video conferencing call with a disability lawyer for the second time. DUH.

NOW I am having  coffee and waiting for my Art Therapy group.

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I saw my counselor yesterday.  Had a great session.  He really gets depression, my chronic illness, family drama and so much more.  I don't feel so unsure anymore, but more validated.  And being given advice and direction how to deal with all this.  Although there is an unfortunate twist.  It broke my heart when he told me a few weeks ago he had cancer, undergoing chemo, and eventually surgery.  But he said he will continue seeing client's as long as he can, he loves his job, it is good therapy for him.  

But I can't help to feel concerned for him naturally, and many times end up pivoting our conversation over to how he is feeling and coping.  He said this about you, not to worry.  But he did mention a couple of things he is experiencing with friends for instance, some who have said they may not be able to go the distance with him, as they don't feel strong enough to witness a close friend possibly pass.  

I think he is trying to hold up a mask still being his happy self, but realizing it might be slipping a bit.   Just like ours do at times.  But he has a partner and other support through those friends who will stand with him, and support groups through the hospital.  We are kind of forming a connection where I think we may end up helping each other through our appointments going forward.  I'll be there for him until the time comes I have to be referred to another counselor and even after.

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Went to bed late watching a movie.  

Got up late.  It is very warm today and suppose to be 90 or more tomorrow,  very unusual for this time of year.  I don't do great in the hot temps, so glad I have air conditioning.  Hopefully I can get projects done around the house and return some phone calls.

Next week is very busy so I'm resting up.

This past week has been a struggle.

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This afternoon I had every intention of going for a walk in the woods to try to clear my head. It was bright and sunny when I got into the shower. By the time I got out of the shower, it was gloomy and overcast, and thunder was rumbling. Then the rain started. So I did some reading and then took a snooze. The only time I left the apartment was to run and get take-out food. A friend invited me to go hang out with her as she did her DJ/karaoke thing at a bar but I couldn't stand the thought of being surrounded by drunk rednecks as ear-splitting music pounded my head.

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I think it is important when you are going through fear to share them with someone else. Lots of times people just try to keep it together. I am the first to admit that I am scared and I have realized that there is no shame in that. I will also say that if you aren't scared then you are living a life too easy. Fear and pain is you growing. In the growing there is completion and fulfillment. I think most people know that in pain and fear comes growth, but they don't like it because it is uncomfortable. The good thing about depression is I am uncomfortable all the time LOL it is my natural state. When someone says. "You need to get out of your comfort zone" I am like. I did that this morning when I left the bed. 

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Yesterday and the last two days have been tough. I have been under some fear of losing my job. I know I am overreacting but I can't really stop it. I am just letting God do his thing and trust it will all work out in the end. I did talk to people about my fears and I am handling it as best as I can. I am choosing to focus that I am out in the world trying to be of value and service to others. I am not just being a victim and hiding from life and emotions. Everytime I go through fear and sadness it gives me a chance to work on my attitude and the way I bounce back from things. 

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4 hours ago, Demonpenz said:

Yesterday and the last two days have been tough. I have been under some fear of losing my job. I know I am overreacting but I can't really stop it. I am just letting God do his thing and trust it will all work out in the end. I did talk to people about my fears and I am handling it as best as I can. I am choosing to focus that I am out in the world trying to be of value and service to others. I am not just being a victim and hiding from life and emotions. Everytime I go through fear and sadness it gives me a chance to work on my attitude and the way I bounce back from things. 

 

12 minutes ago, depressedamber said:

I worked out

You guys are motivating me today! Kickass use of phrasing of your words Demonpenz, loved your mini- monologue.

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Went to my kidney doctor and received good news.  I'm in Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease, and he said all tests came back very good, no progression, but stable.  I have been so worried about them failing and having to go in to dialysis.  The news was very good.  Great in fact.  But even with that news I don't feel a thing.  I should be very happy, but my mind has just been numb lately.  After I ran errands and grocery shopped.  I was glad to get home.  It is my safety net.  And then I just felt really sad.

The worse part is |I don't know why I feel this way.  People on the forum understand the feeling, but friends and family don't in my case.  It scares me because I feel the depression is slowly but surely taking control of my life, and one day I may never snap out it.

I am on an increased anti depressant regimen, and go to counseling every two weeks.  Even with that I feel like I'm walking through the motions of life, but not really feeling it or seeing it.  As if looking through the eyes of a parasite inside you whose major function is to make your life miserable no matter how many blessings you may have.  

Tired of fighting this invisible demon.  I think my counselor is helping me a lot.  My dosage of Wellbutrin has been upped to the highest level.  But even with all that enjoyment or wanting socialize is a big stretch.  

I hate it.  We all should not be going through this at any stage or level of depression.

I just hope other members have this somewhat under control to where you can see and feel the real world and be functioning.  I'm trying my hardest but I think I am floundering.

 

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