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Did You Accomplish Anything Today? Anything At All? If So, Post Here!

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What a busy day!

Was getting ready to hit the gym when my spouse called. He'd left behind something he needed for the financial advisor, could I bring it? I did. It was sunny at the time. Then I hit the gym and did about 23 minutes on a seated stationary bike. High Impact Intervals...Felt really good afterwards and that lasted for a while.

Then I had some time alone and that felt weird. Then spouse came home and then he went out again with our son to buy presents. While they were out, I wrapped presents. When they came home, son said he needed to chill...we thought he'd wrap presents while we were out, but he didn't.

Anyway we got stuff for the niece & nephew and some small things for our son, and Chinese takeout for all of us.

 

Such busy-ness.

I'm exhausted and want to go to sleep. Feeling rather depressed now.

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I had a good birthday. :)

 

And I made a decisive break with old ways, to chart a new course. It may sound trite, but honestly, I've realized so much, and have been doing so well implementing changes. This isn't just some new whim today, but something that started weeks ago. I never quite knew how to articulate it, and still don't, but I'm really making solid progress, though of course I have my ups and downs with it. Today kind of cemented things. A wonderful birthday present of healing and freedom, from God. :)

 

This is just scratching the surface - I'm not sure I can really explain things - but I feel I've been way too wrapped up with reacting to things, fighting, so that I've lost touch with who I am. Of course part of that will require removing toxic people from my life and from my head; I've been learning how to stop engaging and allowing "air time" to those toxic old voices, and it's working slowly. It's also about being who I really am instead of shunning what I'm not, defining myself by positives instead of negatives. Part of the reason I felt so much more whole at healthier times in my life was that I was either unaware of the opposition or I just didn't think much of it, or take it seriously. My time with the cult did me serious damage in inculcating more self-doubt, which I was already trained for by childhood neglect and abuse. I need to thoroughly get away from all toxicity, dehumanization, and do a lot of rebuilding with affirming input. But making a solid decision to stop engaging with the storm (when I become aware of it, and not blame myself for getting caught in it again if I do), and to live in a certain way, where the negation just has no place in my life or head, instead of me constantly fighting, trying to justify myself and "convince" the evil, even in my head, is huge.

 

It sets me free. It's like vegetation that's had so much cut and blown away by blistering, unnatural, endless winds, but that then has shelter built around it: it can stop losing what it has, and in continuing to grow, it can replace what it's lost. Soon, it'll be whole again. And it doesn't have to worry about the wind out there; in here, it can grow, live, and thrive, concerned only with its reality rather than the threat of nothingness raging outside, happy in its life instead of fighting for survival in a way that make it really more aware of death than life. I can heal, focus on me and my own sense of life. And learn to just live. Freely. :)

 

It's a tremendous change for me, and something that I need to learn how to do; I've always been fighting for my life. But it's well worth learning. :)

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I made it to Nashville to be with my son and granddaughter but I'm alone in my room crying. Been crying practically the whole time I've been here. My son suffers from depression too and I feel all his pain. I'm sick to my stomach with how much this all hurts. But I'm here. I leave on Saturday.

:console:

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I made it back home from my Nashville vacation. The week was good. Certainly not perfect, and I did a lot of crying, but I survived it and I think I made it nice for my granddaughter. At least I tried. So glad Christmas is over. Now to get through New Year's!

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I know this sounds horrible, but what I achieved today was not ending it all. I fought for another day and that is what it's all about. I live by the expectation that tomorrow will be better and the quote below helps me:

 

"Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise"

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Listened to music. Broke out the umbrella and walked to the library. The kids rooms are finally tidy after far too long. Towering clothes mountains, Lego Armageddon, scattered clutter and toys - all dealt with. Even the bookshelves are sorted.

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Visited to the mother****er doc again..he doesn't understand me..need to rearrange the meds all over again.

I'm so sorry! Docs can be such imbeciles sometimes, especially when it comes to this stuff. Not sure what country you're in, but in mine, in my experience, they've got their grubby hands in this for the money.

 

Would it help (and be worth the hassle) to see another doctor?

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I baked butternut squash again last night (partly to help heat up the freezing house, lol). (It worked! :) I used the toaster oven instead of the microwave to heat up the leftovers. And I cooked another omelet for lunch.

 

I gave the bathtub a quick clean for the new roommate. It's not her fault the landlords didn't give me notice she's moving in, and it's not her fault the drain keeps clogging. And I feel better now, as she'll have a nice, reasonably bathroom to welcome her. I wonder if I should do anything more to welcome her...? We usually don't for new roommates, but she's a foreigner, from China, and I don't even know what her expectations are, etc. I know she might be more nervous than some.

 

Good news, though: The landlord's coming back in a week or two to do some more "aggressive" work on the drain, so hopefully it'll be fixed.

 

The kitchen and the rest of the house are mostly clean. There's a baking sheet and frying pan in the sink that need attention soon, now that everybody's gone, and I'm going to do my health a favor and have some more veggies and fruits. I feel palpably better on every level I eat well, so I want to do everything I can in my own power to make sure I stay on track.

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