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Forgiveness, Being A Doormat, Tit For Tat...


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I am a very forgiving person. I don't tend to hold grudges, I find it easy to just move past the things people have done to me.

I have reasoned that whenever I am angry at someone it is because of some expectation that I had towards them.

Sometime that expectation is justified, either because it was explicitly stated (promise, agreement), or because it's a natural part of my core values and generally accepted in society (I expect respect, sincerity and honesty). Whether or not I can continue being in a relationship with that person is situational, but my expectation is not altered, I'm just giving the person a chance to show me that it was a simple mistake or misunderstanding.

Most of the time, however, I find that my expectation is not justified. This is where I can easily alter my perspective, change my expectations and possibly the relationship dynamic and move forward. In my mind it feels like an emotionally mature way to handle things.

On the other hand, I wonder if this does not make me a doormat, someone that people will take for granted.

I will give an example. I made a friend a few months ago. We became intimately close. She met someone who expressed great discomfort about her relationship with me (even though we stopped doing anything that would be considered unfaithful). This jealousy grew to the point that she told me she couldn't see me anymore. Three months later, she contacted me again, she was leaving him because he was a jerk to her. She felt great shame about cutting me off like that.

The thing is, I enjoy giving support, it doesn't take away any "energy" from me to do so, it's natural and it feels good. I also greatly enjoyed the affection that we shared so if we could go back to it, I would be pleased. Blaming her and pushing her away would simply ensure I did not receive any satisfaction on either front, so what's the point?

I believe I act in line with how I'm feeling. If I feel bad about doing something, the I don't do it. It is very important to me that I be able to like who I am as a person when I look in the mirror, but I wonder if I am too lenient with people.

Anyone has an opinion on where is the line between being forgiving and being a doormat? Standing your ground vs letting go?

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I'm basically your polar opposite. I'm not forgiving. I hold grudges. Most of it stems from being distrustful of people... so letting people in takes a long time and a lot of work... if they betray me after that... I just can't.

I think that as long as you feel okay with how you're responding to a situation... you're fine. Being a doormat implies you let people walk all over you because you don't have the confidence (or the energy/care) to stand up for yourself.

If you're happy about forgiving people and giving in to what they want... then there's no need to worry about anything.

I, personally, would've been too hurt by that scenario to simply accept her extremely late apology and let her back in. I would be unsatisfied with being that girl's convenient alternative option.

But if you can look past that... more power to you. You must be a very secure individual.

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Additional information... Since we hadn't known each other long, I actually fully expected to be kicked out of her life when she met someone new, knowing full well the capacity for human jealousy... I was taking this relationship as a temporary one, not everyone we meet is meant to be there until the end.

When I mentioned that to her, she was appaled that I would think her capable of doing that. I thought I could revise the view on the temporary nature of this friendship...

From my perspective, the "bad" part was not cutting off her relationship with me, it was telling that she wouldn't and then do it anyway...

Although I do not personally agree that it is OK for someone to ask their partner to cut off ties with friends of the opposite sex, I respect other people's rights to make and submit to these demands if they so choose.

I doubt that she will let it happen again, but it is still a possibility. It doesn't matter, though. What I realized is that relationships don't necessarily require trust. Only invested ones do... We have fun together, and provide each other some convenient affection, and if she leaves tomorrow, no problem, I'll have gotten as much out of this relationship as she has. So no, I do not think I am trusting. Trust is earned in the long run through action.

So while I don't feel like a doormat, I think people don't value people they see as doormats. That's why I'm pondering this subject... How I feel is important, for sure, but what I communicate to other people through my actions is important as well for my relationships to work.

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She doesn't have much respect for you by the sounds of it. It'd be one thing if you'd known her for years and she cut you off then called you back later ... that could be looked at like a mistake. You'd have grounds to say "I forgive you," and feel pretty good about it. But you barely know her and she barely knows you and she cut it off for a guy she barely knew, then that didn't work out and she's calling you again.

I've been taking for granted before. It sucks, badly. It's painful. It can be tempting to ignore your gut feeling but that rarely works out. I've taken people back into my life who I barely knew and I regret it, each time (I've done in more than once ... bad for self-esteem).

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