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How Many Of Us Suffer From Jealousy Or Envy?


Rexxsi

  

165 members have voted

  1. 1. Do you suffer from jealousy or envy?

    • Yes, extremely badly.
      36
    • Yes, frequently.
      60
    • Yes, mildly.
      32
    • Not often.
      17
    • No, not at all.
      10
    • Sometimes.
      10


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I've suffered from jealousy almost exactly from the onset of my depression. As soon as I realized that tonight I wanted to ask this question to you all here.. being as depression, low self-esteem, bad body image, and such all are similar things that fuel jealousy. Before I was depressed, I suffered no jealousy at all. But when my depression came on, my self-esteem suffered (so I perceived other women being much more attractive and desirable to my partner over me), and so my jealousy became very high.

I realize that not all people with depression endure jealousy, but I do think I can't be the only one here battling jealousy as well as depression.

I think the subject of jealousy points to where we feel we should be excelling in life for some reason. For example.. Someone getting depressed over their bad grades could be more likely to feel jealous of someone with great grades. Same for looks, intelligence.. I'm sure that's obvious though, lol. For me, it's look. Breasts to be precise. And looks have (much to my sadness), been made the spotlight of who I am as a person. Because I feel that family and friends and partners have all put the main focus on me as a person on my looks, I feel like it's all I'm worth, so if I feel like I'm not physically excelling, I feel depressed, and jealous of women I see as being more attractive than me as a result. If focus had been put on my grades, I'd probably have a similar jealousy about that.

Anyone else suffer jealousy or envy? What / who do you get jealous or envious of and why? Anyone care to share their stories?

Edited by Rexxsi
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I do find myself being jealous a lot during the day, when I am in school I see everyone looking so much better, being smarter and more successful than I will ever be with anything.

I avoid looking straight at people anymore because I feel that I reveal too much of my face, or I just pretend to be tired and rubbing my face or similar.

Sometimes I manage to talk myself into not caring or even that I don't look or perform all that bad, but that lasts for only a short amount of the day.

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I can relate, Rexxsi. I'm 30 years old and I struggle with these feelings all the time. I have no problem with admitting that I feel this way...everyone has insecurities. With me, it's looks and being unemployed and having no friends or children or much of anything in life. It seems like a lot of people put way too much focus on physical appearance, status and wealth. I live in a city where almost everyone is driving a flashy, new, expensive car while I'm driving a beat-up clunker (my other car was stolen so I'm stuck with this one). Everyone seems to be making money at their jobs and living wonderful lives. I have a learning disability that I'm deeply ashamed of and can't find a job anywhere. Other girls/women seem to be more attractive to my husband than I am, which makes me nervous because I don't want him to be tempted by somebody else. I'm sure there is more to it than meets the eye...all that glitters isn't gold.

But it is natural to compare ourselves with others and feel sad when we seem to come up short. The key is to accept that life isn't fair, and that we are who we are. Things come very easily and naturally to some people while others struggle. You are not wrong for feeling this way. The trick is to remember that somebody probably envies you, too, even if you don't know it. I'm sure you have many wonderful qualities.

I will share a few examples of my own personal struggles with envy/jealousy, in addition to depression. My first example involves my learning disability. From the age of 5, I have struggled with this. I believe that people viewed me as being "lazy" and "stupid" because I couldn't do math. People thought I didn't study or try hard enough. I worked very hard in high school but when it was time to graduate, my diploma was withheld because I couldn't pass the required test, not even with the help of a tutor. I walked with my class but did not receive a diploma like everybody else. My stepfather and mother belittled me for not finishing school and being unable to hold down a job like "normal" people. This has severely affected my self-esteem, because I see other people with jobs and most of them didn't struggle to finish high school/college like me. I worked my @ss off and it was just incredibly difficult for me. No one knows how difficult it was. So I envy people who breezed through school and now have rewarding careers. I would give anything to have that...and before anyone says that I have the power to change that, I don't. It just isn't that simple. It is hard for me to see people younger than me who have much brighter futures and are doing much better in life with far less effort, but I guess life just isn't fair.

My second example involves appearance. I believe that many women (and some men) can relate to this. I've never felt beautiful in my life. I was bullied terribly for years...by strangers, by classmates, by relatives, by my stepfather, and even by boyfriends I had in the past. Most of these insults were about my looks. There was a very brief time when I started to feel pretty and have more confidence, but now my self-esteem is lower than ever. I compare myself to other women all the time. I had an ex-boyfriend who cheated on me sometimes (but he was angry when I did the same much later), and my father cheated on my mother because he felt that the "other woman" was prettier. So you can say that I'm insecure in some ways and I'm afraid that my husband could leave me if he meets a woman who looks different from me. I try not to show him that I feel this way, but it is always in the back of my mind. He is a tall, good-looking guy and I see that women notice him all the time. I know there will always be somebody prettier than me, but I need to know that I'm Number One in his life and he won't replace me for somebody else. I don't get mad at him but I secretly get p***ed at the women who stare at him or try to flirt because I think it's rude to hit on a man in front of his wife.

I also have a cousin who is/was considered to be very beautiful by the standards of my culture...she's taller than me, has a golden-brown complexion, wavy black hair, extremely large breasts, and people in our culture (Jamaican) think she is beautiful despite her obesity. I was always compared to her when we were growing up. People always told me I was ugly, but they would constantly fawn over her, tell her she was prettier than me, etc. We were treated very differently growing up. And it went to her head and she is very conceited as a result. I'm not jealous of her looks because I have a different standard of beauty, but I won't lie...I wish people would compliment me the way they do with her. I don't want to look like her, but I want people to see me as beautiful too. And it hurts because they don't. I see people being so nice to her and she's just an obnoxious bully, but they adore her because she's "beautiful". I'm kind and shy and caring, but because I'm not perceived as beautiful, my experiences are different.

Sorry if it seems like I'm whining...this is a subject close to my heart and you're definitely not alone in feeling this way.

Edited by FeelinBlueAllTheTime
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I've suffered from jealousy almost exactly from the onset of my depression. As soon as I realized that tonight I wanted to ask this question to you all here.. being as depression, low self-esteem, bad body image, and such all are similar things that fuel jealousy. Before I was depressed, I suffered no jealousy at all. But when my depression came on, my self-esteem suffered (so I perceived other women being much more attractive and desirable to my partner over me), and so my jealousy became very high.

I realize that not all people with depression endure jealousy, but I do think I can't be the only one here battling jealousy as well as depression.

I think the subject of jealousy points to where we feel we should be excelling in life for some reason. For example.. Someone getting depressed over their bad grades could be more likely to feel jealous of someone with great grades. Same for looks, intelligence.. I'm sure that's obvious though, lol. For me, it's look. Breasts to be precise. And looks have (much to my sadness), been made the spotlight of who I am as a person. Because I feel that family and friends and partners have all put the main focus on me as a person on my looks, I feel like it's all I'm worth, so if I feel like I'm not physically excelling, I feel depressed, and jealous of women I see as being more attractive than me as a result. If focus had been put on my grades, I'd probably have a similar jealousy about that.

Anyone else suffer jealousy or envy? What / who do you get jealous or envious of and why? Anyone care to share their stories?

I'm not jealous in anything in life besides in romantic relationship. I don't envy others' look, intelligence, or wealth or w/e because I'm relatively secure about myself. I feel like those things are not important.

The only thing I get jealous about is affection. I'm extremely jealous when someone I care about give others more attention or affection than to me. See here, I'm not jealous/envious about the other person's attributes. Instead, I'm jealous about the affection or attention he is receiving from the person I care about.

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Yes. It started when I started seeing people get handed things without doing a damn thing other than hang around with the right people, and climb over top of others to get them, while I worked my ass off for little to no appreciation or recognition.

Yep, I already know: Life Ain't Fair.

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Hotaru: I know what you mean. There have been people I know who pretty much coasted their way through life via sheer dumb luck or they are pretty cunning and political people that manipulate people to do things for them instead of getting their hands dirty, and taking credit for other people's work.

Then I feel angry not only because I feel like I work twice as hard to overcome things to achieve the same results, I see other people and friends who work even harder get even less. The injustice I see on a regular basis ends up making me feel depressed on top of the other "life situations" that seem to never happen to other people. It's hard especially when people humblebrag and have that smug look on their faces when they talk to you. But honestly, I envy their apparent happiness and their ease of getting by through life, rather than their financial or material success. I don't think they'd understand either, and would probably assume I'd be envious of their money or their posessions. There are genuinely some people I wish I never met in life, and these tend to be people who seem to be oblivious to how much their success is due to dumb luck or family connections. Especially annoying are the ones that attribute it to God (yes I know of actual real live people who preach the Prosperity Gospel)... Why do humans make it so easy to make each other feel so bad? :(

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Yeah, I've struggled with both jealousy and envy at times and it does affect my mood greatly. I'd say I've struggled with jealousy and envy since I was a child. It used to be related mainly to body image. I would always compare myself to my friend to see who was skinnier or had a bigger b*tt IIRC. Even once she wasn't my friend anymore, I'd still compare my body to her's. Then much later in my late teens, I started comparing myself to my foster mom's play daughter. I thought she was not just skinny, but had a nice shape and pretty face and I cried at some point, I was so envious of her thinness. Then later on, I started feeling jealous when friends I felt close to would give other friends more attention or spend time with other friends or things like that.

Recently, I've been having major envy issues regarding my best friend and the fact that she has so many things I wish I had like a family (where her sister takes her and the family to Antigua and she visits them in another state at times); lots of support; lots of friends and so many people who seem to love, adore and appreciate her, not to mention the guy she's been seeing off and on for a couple years now who she may end up finally dating officially soon. Also, when it comes to jealousy it mostly has to do with her spending time with her friends and me feeling not as valuable in her life because she has all these other friends who give her the same things I give her like support and who she does similar bonding rituals with that we do. But don't get it wrong, her life is not typical: She struggles with Schizophrenia just like my mom and was living in a shelter when I met her there while in the shelter myself. She's had a hard life at times but it's crazy how my envy and jealousy has shifted from things like people being skinnier than me to deeper things like envying people having family, friends, boyfriends/husbands and lots of love, appreciation and support.

Also I realize from reading FeelinBlue's post along with Rexxsi's that there's always something we have that someone else doesn't. Both of you have significant others and I've never really known what that's like despite being thirty-one and being considered attractive at different times in my life. But in my eyes, I feel being "well-endowed" has brought me a lot of pain considering the complications of the struggles with my anxiety in relation to certain types of men because of my abuse as a child; the sexual harassment/unwanted attention I've endured as a child (early development) and adult when I just wanted to be left alone and ignored, men seeing me as an object and the deep pain I've experienced from that, etc. Also, it seems that you both have biological family that you know and have a connection with. The only biological family I have right now is my Schizophrenic mother. My two older sisters have rarely been in my life since I was a child and I could possibly contact my uncles/aunties in another state but I haven't seen them or talked to them since I was six and one was responsible for my abuse and the thought of seeing him again is difficult. Then there's my last foster family and I'm not in contact with them for many reasons and I have literally ONE friend who I'm on speaking terms with and no employment or even a car and I'm on Social Security...

I also struggle with seeing females with a certain skin tone or of another ethnicity with men from my ethnicity because of the only guy and friend I ever truly felt anything I could call love for, at some point choosing a girlfriend with a certain kind of skin tone and then later choosing a female from a different and particular ethnicity, all together. There's just so much pain and insecurity I've experienced in relation to him but that's for a different day... One thing I've never gotten though is why people get so envious over people having more wealth and superficial status though. I could care less about those things if I have no one to love me, especially as I really am. And that's what I'm aiming for but from myself...learning to love/accept/be content with myself just as I am and learning to just exist without feeling that I need to be anything or have anything or do anything but just feeling valuable because I'm a part of "The Universe," you know and also learning to be more grateful too (but that's just my personal views...).

Hope my post helps some people on here feel more fortunate or maybe I might even read your post and feel fortunate too while still trying my best to empathize with (not pity) your situation. :)

AntiNorm: Why be envious of a Sociopath anyway? You can't take your wealth, power and status with you but if there's something on the other side, surely your character and how you treated others will have counted more. Also, all the more reason to not feel bad about yourself regarding where you're at since a lot of people's success does tend to have to do with connections and the family, Country, Ethnicity, Gender, Socio-Economic level, Culture, Sexual Orientation, Religion, Point in time, Species (human), etc. they were born in along with luck, childhood environment, personal experiences, beliefs, thought patterns, learning and mastering the game of d*uchery, having no soul and sometimes hard work (but rarely without some of that other stuff playing a part...).

Edited by CloudsInMyChamomile11
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i also find it very hard to stand seeing people get things they didnt work for. i get so angry. they are so spoiled.

im happy with who i am... i dont want to be them even if they get those things because they dont know how to appreciate them. but i appreciate myself for the things i achieved.

often things are different from how they appear. the things they seem to have are not actually the things that they appear to be. often those things are some far less stable commodity.

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So, I was trying to edit my last paragraph again but it wouldn't let me anymore because I navigated from the page so I thought I'd post my edited last paragraph in another post.

AntiNorm: Why be envious of a Sociopath anyway? You can't take your wealth, power and status with you but if there's something on the other side, surely your character and how you treated others will have counted more. But we all have advantages and disadvantages in life based on who we are in this life and a lot of who we are has nothing to do with anything we did or didn't do (the Country, Culture, Gender, Ethnicity, Sexual Orientation, Species you're born in, childhood experiences that shaped who we are, etc.). But I think we're all valuable regardless. It's too bad some in this world don't see it that way and treat other human being's like crap just to get ahead...

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I am such a jealous/envious person, but noone would ever know from outward appearances. But i feel like i've been depressed since childhood, so I dunno maybe I am just a jealous d**k. The main thing for me is, I never did anything wrong growing up, but I'm miserable and alone.. so I envy other people for being happier than me.

I'd like to say I'm happy with myself, or its the depression talking, but its not true.. I just wish so bad sometimes I could be anyone else. it's so simple.., like I'm just jealous of people, because they don't have to be me. >< Thinking about it, I guess I'm jealous and envious of pretty much everything haha.

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You know, I can't remember ever being jealous of anyone. Maybe when I was a kid and a friend got a cool toy or electronic gadget. But not in my adult life.

That doesn't mean that I don't want different things. I would love to not have depression, to not have had cancer, to be more wealthy.

On the other hand, I have dark thoughts at times (as a result of depression I think) and many times do not think that I would deserve better things to begin with.

I can say now that that is flawed thinking, because I'm not in the midst of my depression, but when I'm down, I think that I'm getting what I deserve.

My self esteem seems to be directly related to my depression. The more depressed I am the lower my self esteem.

Plus, I know that many people aren't showing their "real" self to the world. So while we might be envious of another's successes, quite possibly that person is having struggles with issues that don't show.

Be well.

Gayle

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I often find myself being envious of my friends. I don't know, it's not like it became any worse since I got depressed because my self-esteem issues might actually be the reason I became depressed in the first place. I've always had a difficult relationship with my body. I often look at my friends and wish I was as beautiful as they are. But I had never been envious of their success in life, until I fell into depression. From then on, I started being envious of their jobs and their good grades too, which is something I could've been perfectly able to achieve if it weren't for this mental illness of mine.

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I really struggled with this in the early years of my relationship with my wife. She never gave me one reason to feel jealous but I had a lot of baggage from a previous marriage that had left me pretty messed up in the head. I was to young to realize at the time that I was transferring all that crap onto my current relationship. Eventually I got over it & I now never feel even a hint of jealousy.

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I am jealous of a lot of people. If someone were to give me the name of a person I know, I could write a long list of things about them that I'm envious of. My jealousy fuels my discontentment and depression, but I've been raised to be competitive and to feel like I'm only worth anything if I'm doing better than everyone else, so it's difficult for me not to be jealous. Sometimes I get jealous of people as soon as I see them. If I see an attractive guy who is taller than me, for example, I am instantly envious. When I see other guys who are really good looking, I feel like all my effort to take care of myself is wasted, because no matter how much I exercise or what I do, I'll never be as tall as them and I'll never look as attractive as they do on a bad day.

I even get jealous of people who are in bad situations or going through hard times. I know that sounds ridiculous, but the honest truth is that a lot of people I know go through what you might call socially acceptable "hard times" or socially acceptable suffering. They go through things that can easily be shared with others, because their difficult situations are commonplace and society is geared towards providing an endless flow of sympathy to people in their situations. If I speak out about what I'm going through (not just depression, other things in my life too), I just push people away and don't get much support.

When I found out that someone had an interesting skill, such as being multi-lingual or being able to play a number of instruments, I used to feel interested and think that was really awesome. Now I just hate them for it and wish I could be as talented as them. I'm not a very musical person, I failed miserably to learn languages during school and I'm very uncoordinated. Seeing as I have no motivation to do anything these days, I give up on everything really easily too. So hating someone for being talented is a lot easier for me than putting in all the effort that would be required of me to become as amazing as they are.

This all sounds pretty ugly, I know, and I really dislike this ugly side of myself. But it's the truth.

Edited by Saliency
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As a general rule I'm not a jealous person at all. Jealousy has had its impact on me from time to time though, mainly in a second hand sense. One of my exes had a seriously jealous streak, she was so jealous, competitive and paranoid. Probably got more right to be here than I have :-/ I'm not a jealous person at all. Jealous of what? I'm not a particularly materialistic person. I think being materialistic can also be quite damaging, just think of Once In A Lifetime by Talking Heads.

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So, I was trying to edit my last paragraph again but it wouldn't let me anymore because I navigated from the page so I thought I'd post my edited last paragraph in another post.

AntiNorm: Why be envious of a Sociopath anyway? You can't take your wealth, power and status with you but if there's something on the other side, surely your character and how you treated others will have counted more. But we all have advantages and disadvantages in life based on who we are in this life and a lot of who we are has nothing to do with anything we did or didn't do (the Country, Culture, Gender, Ethnicity, Sexual Orientation, Species you're born in, childhood experiences that shaped who we are, etc.). But I think we're all valuable regardless. It's too bad some in this world don't see it that way and treat other human being's like crap just to get ahead...

It just gets me seeing people who act like jerks appear on the surface at least to be "successful". Certain people I know, hobnob frequently with politicians and other figures, but I know what they did to get there, and what kind of jerks they are in real life (i.e. things like womanizing, treating women like objects, general lying, cheating, stealing, etc.) but then when you hear public praise about them, and seeing pictures of them smiling at fundraising events and other charitable things.. THAT is what gets me....That disconnect between that hidden side that I've observed, and the public image. The jealousy stems from me wondering how the hell did they still manage to get to where they are, while people who follow the rules just don't get anywhere?

And then what takes me over the edge... Is knowing there is not one damn thing I can do about it, because apparently this is life. :/

Edited by AntiNorm
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I hear ya, Norm...my mom had this saying of, "Them what has, gets".

The successful people in this sick society are those who take advantage of others on their climb to the top. We worship selfishness in this society; our cultural heros are "rich and famous".

I'd rather hang out with dirt poor farmers & truck drivers.

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I hear ya, Norm...my mom had this saying of, "Them what has, gets".

The successful people in this sick society are those who take advantage of others on their climb to the top. We worship selfishness in this society; our cultural heros are "rich and famous".

I'd rather hang out with dirt poor farmers & truck drivers.

I couldn't agree more!

I have struggled all of my life and still do. I always will. I was born this way. But I always get jealous or envious of people who have been handed everything or walked on the shoulders of others to get there. It's never fair.

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I can honestly say I'm not jealous. I am sometimes envious but I feel it's in a healthy way. Like if someone has something I'd like to have, I get excited thinking of ways I can also have that and sometimes it motivates me to do something different.

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I can honestly say I'm not jealous. I am sometimes envious but I feel it's in a healthy way. Like if someone has something I'd like to have, I get excited thinking of ways I can also have that and sometimes it motivates me to do something different.

I wish I had that luxury. LOL :P It's probably my dumb luck that I know people in real life who won't shut up about themselves and have humblebragging down to an art. It's really annoying when you know first hand the kind of crap that they've done and you know they're so phoney and flaky as **** as opposed to their public image.

Edited by AntiNorm
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I've suffered envy since the onset of depression many years ago.

As an example, just recently, I was reading about how google bought a company called boston dynamics, that creates very hi-tech robots, and I thought: "That's amazing, they don't have to read sci-fi like I do, they actually create the future." And I was feeling envious of their achievements and future.

I think envy is a mix of admiration and guilt. There is admiration for someone, related to that person's ability, physical appearance or achievement, and a feeling of being evil for not being like that person.

It might come from childhood. My parents are the first people I admired. Yet, the feeling of being loved was lacking. At that age, I thought that meant there was something wrong with me. So this admiration came with guilt.

Why I envy certain people and not others, is that they have a trait that I admire in one of my parents. But it also triggers guilt because I am reminded of my relationship with that parent. Hence I end up being envious.

My father is someone with a lot of scientific accomplishments, and I admire that. But his support and encouragement was lacking when I was growing up, which made me feel guilty. That's why I envy the people behind google and boston dynamics.

Admiration can be very motivating, inspiring. It can help you go beyond what you thought possible. I'd like to be able to focus more on the admiration part of envy, and leave the guilt aside.

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Ahh, rarely thought about it. There was a small period of time back in school when I hated myself (I hated the part my being timid, not talkative and yade yade yade) and wanted to be like some of the "cool kids" who get along with people and all that jazz. Later I just didn't care and now I don't care either - being jealous or envious of someone is just wasted energy.

Edited by 7thHeaveN
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So, I was trying to edit my last paragraph again but it wouldn't let me anymore because I navigated from the page so I thought I'd post my edited last paragraph in another post.

AntiNorm: Why be envious of a Sociopath anyway? You can't take your wealth, power and status with you but if there's something on the other side, surely your character and how you treated others will have counted more. But we all have advantages and disadvantages in life based on who we are in this life and a lot of who we are has nothing to do with anything we did or didn't do (the Country, Culture, Gender, Ethnicity, Sexual Orientation, Species you're born in, childhood experiences that shaped who we are, etc.). But I think we're all valuable regardless. It's too bad some in this world don't see it that way and treat other human being's like crap just to get ahead...

It just gets me seeing people who act like jerks appear on the surface at least to be "successful". Certain people I know, hobnob frequently with politicians and other figures, but I know what they did to get there, and what kind of jerks they are in real life (i.e. things like womanizing, treating women like objects, general lying, cheating, stealing, etc.) but then when you hear public praise about them, and seeing pictures of them smiling at fundraising events and other charitable things.. THAT is what gets me....That disconnect between that hidden side that I've observed, and the public image. The jealousy stems from me wondering how the hell did they still manage to get to where they are, while people who follow the rules just don't get anywhere?

And then what takes me over the edge... Is knowing there is not one damn thing I can do about it, because apparently this is life. :/

I hear you... I personally think that particular systems breed sociopathic behavior and the praise of sociopathic personalities. Rules are for the "dumbed down" masses, you know? But it's like why be envious of Kim Jung or some other psychopathic dictator? Sure, everyone "loves" them...but why...? Wow! This powerful Corp. gave away millions of dollars to some charity but they also dump millions of pounds of toxic waste into some foreign or domestic Country's rivers and lakes! Awesome...!!! Cult of personality is all an illusion anyway. It's all about brainwashing the masses, manipulation and deception so the praise isn't authentic. I wouldn't want anyone "loving" me based on a facade that's not even real. Only someone with a mild to severe personality disorder would revel in that type of situation, I think...and it's true, it is life in so many parts of the world and so very, very sad that it is...why are us humans so foolish...?

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