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Regret Because Not Having Sex And Party In Youth :(


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Hi. I'm 27 years old and i never had sex. Its not because of my bad look, but because of my low selfconfidence since high scool. Years were flying by and here we are - 27. You will probably say go out and find somebody, but the problem is also those thaughts that are taking all my will to live away. I cant deal with the facts that i lost 12 years of my live and havent experienced nothing. Not going out into the club with friends in young years and party, no kissing, no sex, no one night stands, relationship, travelling. All things that for most people are normal. Because of that i dont feel competitive to girls that i like and i feel they all are much better then me, on higher level and i'm not good enough for them and all of the people, because i havent alived so much then others, was almost all the time at home and work.

The problem is, i can't look on women i find attractive as same human as men. For me women body is art, in every pose (probably comes from porn and idealizing and wanting to lick their bodies all the time). And i cant come over this...and when i add that those beautiful bodies had so much fun and sex so far, there is no chance to feel the same worth, ever frown.png It doesnt even care what they think, it just this way if you see objectivly simple facts and statistic what they done and what i, so far.

Its terrible if i go into the shopping center and see in 2 hours hundreds of women with which i would like to have sex and i know i didnt have such interesting past as them. Those thoughts are eating me up every single day, all day. I was also at therapist, but didnt help. Also i take antidepressants. But nothing cant take away the facts, that i'm not on same level as those girls who are having sex since highschool, were on so many parties and so on. For them its normal to have a penis in their hands or mouth, for me this is science fiction and somebody who is 12 years behind in my opinion can never again be same worth as person who alived all those things in normal years (18-24). Sex is the highest thing in live and if you dont have it you havent lived. Therefor i dont know what to do, because there is no way out to feel the same worth as those people anymore, that have normal sex live since their high school. To be honest, the best would be this life would be over and i could sleep forever, to not have this fact thoughts every day...

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Hi Stiven,

Welcome to the forum! I can understand why you'd feel badly about not having had sex yet, but trust me, there are plenty of men and women who wait a very long time before having sex. When my husband and I met, I was 26 and he was 29, and he had never had a girlfriend or had sex before. He is introverted, has social anxiety, and is shy. I had my own issues with men and dating, and we met online at a fan site for a band. I was getting into trouble, flirting with the guys on the site, and he came to my rescue.

Maybe you could try joining a site for a hobby or band that you like, or even a dating site. It might be easier for you to take it slowly and really get to know someone that way. I guarantee that any woman worth having isn't going to care if you're a virgin or not. In fact, many of us appreciate being able to train you to our own specifications. :-)

I encourage you to think outside the box. And trust me, sex in high school or in your late teens is nothing compared to what it can be when you really care for someone.

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Sad that you are objectifying women as sex objects. May I recommend a book- "The Way of the Superior Man", by David Deida. Learn to see the wonder and the beauty, look for women friends, be a good friend to them....whatever will be will be, but I imagine you will find what you are looking for in a more fulfilling package...

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Sex is one thing in life. It is not the highest thing in life. When you go tot he mall, there is no way to know the history of women you see. You make a lot of assumptions. Depression distorts our thought process. Most women I know care about relationships. The porn may be a factor in why you are not reading women accurately. Men and women share most of the same values and dreams. Treating the depression might enable you to see that the world is not as you think iit is at this depressed moment.

I am a woman. The world is not one sex contest! I once had distorted views of men. Male friends helped me see that we had so much in common. If all you want is sex, prostitutes are available. They are not pretty. The health risks are serious. All I can suggest is that your depression makes you believe things that are not true. Engaging in neutral activities to meet women is a good idea. Women deserve respect.

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Sex is overrated and it's not promised that your first time will be a great one. Partying in your teens is also overrated. I didn't do it either and sure, I keep thinking that maybe my social life suffered because I never went out. However, my adult life is much better because I didn't. I don't have to worry about past dramas, pregnancies, or STDs. You'll find a woman eventually, but idealizing sex as some sort of ultimate prize is not going to help you. There are plently of great women out there who's first priorities are not sex, therefore their view points will clash with yours. I'm not saying that YOU have to change, it's just think deeper in your own priorities. Is it really the sex you want? Or do you just wanna find a nice girl when everything is said and done. Again, your first time is not going to be the best thing, especially if you think it's going to pan out like porn. People in porn are professionals and porn is entertainment. What happens in the world of professional entertainmentrarely is the same in real life.

Edited by Phantastic Mirage
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Hi. I'm 27 years old and i never had sex. Its not because of my bad look, but because of my low selfconfidence since high scool. Years were flying by and here we are - 27. You will probably say go out and find somebody, but the problem is also those thaughts that are taking all my will to live away. I cant deal with the facts that i lost 12 years of my live and havent experienced nothing. Not going out into the club with friends in young years and party, no kissing, no sex, no one night stands, relationship, travelling. All things that for most people are normal. Because of that i dont feel competitive to girls that i like and i feel they all are much better then me, on higher level and i'm not good enough for them and all of the people, because i havent alived so much then others, was almost all the time at home and work.

The problem is, i can't look on women i find attractive as same human as men. For me women body is art, in every pose (probably comes from porn and idealizing and wanting to lick their bodies all the time). And i cant come over this...and when i add that those beautiful bodies had so much fun and sex so far, there is no chance to feel the same worth, ever frown.png It doesnt even care what they think, it just this way if you see objectivly simple facts and statistic what they done and what i, so far.

Its terrible if i go into the shopping center and see in 2 hours hundreds of women with which i would like to have sex and i know i didnt have such interesting past as them. Those thoughts are eating me up every single day, all day. I was also at therapist, but didnt help. Also i take antidepressants. But nothing cant take away the facts, that i'm not on same level as those girls who are having sex since highschool, were on so many parties and so on. For them its normal to have a penis in their hands or mouth, for me this is science fiction and somebody who is 12 years behind in my opinion can never again be same worth as person who alived all those things in normal years (18-24). Sex is the highest thing in live and if you dont have it you havent lived. Therefor i dont know what to do, because there is no way out to feel the same worth as those people anymore, that have normal sex live since their high school. To be honest, the best would be this life would be over and i could sleep forever, to not have this fact thoughts every day...

dude you are scaring me. literally everything you are saying here mirrors a lot of what i have been dealing with most of my life. and coincidentally, i'm also 27 as well.

however, i'm not a virgin. i lost it when i was 18 to an older woman, and while it was certainly okay at the time, i look back on it and wish i could have experienced it with someone else. like other people here have been saying, sex is not everything, and there is a lot of truth to that. i'v never really had a girlfriend officially. mostly a lot of one night stands, or very short flings. again, they were okay at the time, but reflecting back on all of that, it didn't amount to jack sh*t. finding someone you can connect with emotionally is better for you.

right now you are putting the p*ssy on a pedestal. and i have been guilty of that myself in the past, and at times i find myself doing it again in the present. but the truth is that women have their insecurities too when it comes to sex and being attractive for men. just look at all those magazines that are dedicated to giving women beauty tips. if women weren't that concerned about their sex appeal, there would be no market for giving women beauty or sex advice.

However, i also have to deeply sympathize with what your are going through. at 27, and still a virgin, i can't imagine how badly you are backed up right now. its been 3 years for me since i had any, and all the masturb*ting in the world isn't helping me sit still at all.

I will tell you this, get yourself laid ASAP.

if you feel the need to see a prostitute do your homework, research, and most of all WRAP IT UP. i have never been with a prostitute personally, but i have throughout the years toyed with the idea. If you want some resources for where to go, or who to see, just send me a private message and i'll give you what i know.

Or if you have been visiting strip clubs, STOP. STOP DOING THAT RIGHT NOW. you are better off just going straight to a prostitute. you are going to save yourself lots of money, and time.

Or go to a dating website. Plenty Of Fish is completely free and easy to use if you are looking for hookups or serious dating.

I can't promise your first time is going to live up to your expectations. it might completely suck. but either way, after you have experienced it, things will become much clearer. figuring out what you want or need in a woman will become more clear. you will even start feeling more confident in yourself, and for a little while you will find some new energy in you that you never knew existed.

i sincerely feel for you dude. a lot of my problems fall right into the category you are dealing with. i don't think my view towards women is that skewed anymore though. you definitely shouldn't worship women like the way you were talking about. it could be the porn doing that to you. it could be the loneliness getting to your head. theres no doubt women are beautiful creatures. i look at porn myself just as much as any guy out there. and as much as i might obsess over how beautiful some pornstar is, other thoughts that go through my mind more than anything else, is how much i'd love to get inside her head. figure out what she likes, who she is, where she came from. those are the things that really matter.

my problem though is that i'm too quiet, too shy, i dont know what to say most of the time and dont know how to break the ice so to speak. i'm guessing those problems are whats holding you back too?

Edited by arthurjr98
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^ Yeah, I... would pretty much just listen to Arthur. Not too sure about the prostitute aspect, but... hey. If you're okay with the risks involved, you should go for it. You sound like you really need an outlet.

And I promise. Not all the women in the supermarket are porn stars. There are plenty of women out there who are most definitely virgins. And even the ones who have had sex aren't necessarily "used to the idea" as if having sex were the same as eating your morning bowl of cheerios.

Everyone else pretty much hit the nail on the head for the points I would've made, so...
have fun. get laid. know that you're not alone. you're not the only virgin in the world. some women enjoy virgins. and you're only 27. you can still go out and have a good time... which you really seem to need.

And if you want a real relationship, you should probably work on not objectifying women.

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i'm guessing those problems are whats holding you back too?

Not really. At job (with men and women who are not attractive to me) i talk all the time, make people laugh. But when there is a women which i find attractive, i am stoned and dont wanna say something stupid and be unattractive to her.

ASLycoris,

yes there are many virgins, but those people are all unattractive to the masses. Attractive, popular girls get laid at young age. Maybe not some shy ones (girls who sit in first row at school), but outgoing girls who party and are confident. Those know what life is for at young age and have sex already in high school.

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Stiven, one thing is clear to me. You need to get rid of the porn. This is giving you a very skewed view of what relationships are all about. Something else to realise is that there are many girls who are extremely attractive who never had sex through high school as you seem to think. All humans have issues with their bodies, even the most attractive people. You can ask the most attractive girl in the world, and there would be something that she would want to change about their body.

Now, I have never had a one night stand. I had a serious girlfriend after high school which lasted five years and then a year after that ended I met my wife. I never had sex in high school even though I had the opportunity, but I said no. Some people may think I am crazy, but I always had the opinion that sex was only for a serious relationship and only with someone you love. This is my opinion and I respect that it is not everyone's.

Ultimately, you need to find yourself a girlfriend who you can trust and share these insecurities with. This will take time. No good relationship is found overnight. You need to focus on finding a relationship, not a sexual partner. If you have the relationship, love and respect, the sex will come. It is not the other way around.

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I know how you feel, Stiven. There is a really strong societal stigma against being a virgin- I'm lucky enough to have lost mine at 21, even if only for a very brief night, but it was something. I will say though, that after I lost that girl, I endlessly craved sex, and that girl, and it was very painful for a long time afterwards, even still. But at least the societal stigma and sense of wonder vanishes. So I recommend finding an outlet- however, if it is a prostitute, be very very careful about your emotional state, because it is VERY easy to get attached to your first, it's not easy.

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Sure sex isn't everything but to the person who is starved, food is the only thing on one's mind... The sexual drive is a powerful one.

I think you need to reframe your reality a little. You are seeing women as some kind of guardian that you must somehow worship in order for them to let you have what you want. The fact of the matter is, women and men desire physical intimacy just as much even though I suspect we have different experiences and expectations. If that wasn't the case we'd have died as a species long ago.

What I'm trying to say is that when you are intimate with a woman, you are fulfilling her needs as much as she is fulfilling yours. Sure you might not be very good at that at first, but if you genuinely care about giving, you can learn. Women aren't natural born lovers either, I can tell you that from first-hand experience... Respect what you bring to the table (bed:)), it's not nothing, not by a long shot. It's not just physical, there's a significant emotional component.

Short of a prostitute, there is some "female-friendly" porn out there. It seems a better guide (it's still porn) as to what to do.

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There are a lot of good points about porn on here. I got hooked on porn and it wrecked my libido and pushed my sanity to the limits (yes, porn addiction can do that).

It also messed up my thoughts on viewpoints on relationships, as others have pointed out it can do. I was able to watch a certain amount of porn without it doing that, but after a while it does indeed mess with your reality. Really badly.

I do get the need for release - when I was in my twenties I would sometimes feel that if I didn't have sex soon I was going to explode. Porn helped for a while but ... as I mentioned, it is something that can go too far.

So, to the original poster, you gotta find a way to get some release without porn. That road doesn't end well. I can't even look at Playboy anymore - and that can hardly be considered pornography. My brain is that messed up.

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Wow, all you younger guys talking about sex like it is some form of rote exercise with an inanimate doll- this can be the greatest form of expression that is available to a human being- man or woman! Think about it....the universe is 13 billion years old- you have ~80 years in this physical human body, with all five senses- and making love is the greatest artistic opportunity you will ever have....and just like any skill it must be learned and practiced...but the benefits can be immediate and beyond compare to any other art form. Study, practice, become a master....when you combine skills with true love for another....it can be the most rewarding experience available to the human heart/mind/body/spirit.....god, I hope you find it, it is truly a divine gift!

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I'm sorry but strangely enough I've never understood why people are so hung up with sex. It just happens in a relationship, it comes naturally. I didn't have sex until I was in my 20s and honestly that is not as unusual as the media would have you believe. Like really? Is your life over if you are a virgin? I think not. Never was depressed about sex, just the inability to find someone who matched me on an intellectual and emotional level - and knowing that I'd get ridiculed for expressing that thanks to ignorant people. I wish I could help you though. I feel bad that your perspective is alien to me. :(

Edited by AntiNorm
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I'm sorry but strangely enough I've never understood why people are so hung up with sex. It just happens in a relationship, it comes naturally. I didn't have sex until I was in my 20s and honestly that is not as unusual as the media would have you believe. Like really? Is your life over if you are a virgin? I think not. Never was depressed about sex, just the inability to find someone who matched me on an intellectual and emotional level - and knowing that I'd get ridiculed for expressing that thanks to ignorant people. I wish I could help you though. I feel bad that your perspective is alien to me. :(

Sex is a desire just like you desire intellectual and emotional connection. How you feel about not finding that connection is somewhat similar to what the OP probably feels at not being able to find sex.

I once had a female friend who was somewhat saddened by the fact that guys would not remain friends with her, they'd only want sex. I had the exact opposite, an abundance of female friends but few sexual / romantic opportunities. The bottomline is that we felt the same frustration.

For a guy in my position it's really easy to see a beautiful young girl and imagine how she's got it easy because she does not have my challenges. It was enlightening to be shown that things that came easy to me were frustratingly difficult for her; It was eye-opening to realize that she might feel exactly like I did, but just about different things.

At its core, an unmet, strong psychological desire feels the same no matter what it is.

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I'm sorry but strangely enough I've never understood why people are so hung up with sex. It just happens in a relationship, it comes naturally. I didn't have sex until I was in my 20s and honestly that is not as unusual as the media would have you believe. Like really? Is your life over if you are a virgin? I think not. Never was depressed about sex, just the inability to find someone who matched me on an intellectual and emotional level - and knowing that I'd get ridiculed for expressing that thanks to ignorant people. I wish I could help you though. I feel bad that your perspective is alien to me. :(

Are you male?

To be male, doesn't matter if gay, straight or bisexual, and not go through a period of trying to learn how to manage massive sexual desire, isn't something I've ever heard of. The only way it ceases to be a big deal is to get sexual experience, which comes from making it a big deal. Then, over time, the importance does fade.

Any dude who doesn't go through a phase like that (note: I am not saying guys have to behave inappropriately, I am referring to learning how to channel massive, pent-up energy) is lying to himself, full of it, both, or the lucky recipient of a perfect upbringing, with his parents teaching him how to keep every aspect of himself in harmony from the minute he is born until the minute he leaves home.

Edited by Lifeintheslowlane
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I'm sorry but strangely enough I've never understood why people are so hung up with sex. It just happens in a relationship, it comes naturally. I didn't have sex until I was in my 20s and honestly that is not as unusual as the media would have you believe. Like really? Is your life over if you are a virgin? I think not. Never was depressed about sex, just the inability to find someone who matched me on an intellectual and emotional level - and knowing that I'd get ridiculed for expressing that thanks to ignorant people. I wish I could help you though. I feel bad that your perspective is alien to me. :(

Are you male?

To be male, doesn't matter if gay, straight or bisexual, and not go through a period of trying to learn how to manage massive sexual desire, isn't something I've ever heard of. The only way it ceases to be a big deal is to get sexual experience, which comes from making it a big deal. Then, over time, the importance does fade.

Any dude who doesn't go through a phase like that (note: I am not saying guys have to behave inappropriately, I am referring to learning how to channel massive, pent-up energy) is lying to himself, full of it, both, or the lucky recipient of a perfect upbringing, with his parents teaching him how to keep every aspect of himself in harmony from the minute he is born until the minute he leaves home.

Yup, male. Really, it has never been a big deal. My philosophy is, to put it bluntly, go whack off if you have to... And yes I like sex, who doesn't? But I seriously think North America's media makes the notion and ideals of sex pretty distorted. Instead of treating it as a wonderful natural thing between people it's gone to the point where it's a game to "get some". Pick up artists disgust me for precisely that reason. They commodify sex and makes it seem like getting sex is the be-all and end all of everything and ends up putting way too much pressure on people and makes people do stupid things that they regret later. Concentrate on finding a relationship first, then worry about the sex later, seems to be my belief for whatever reason. Also, I treat sex with a sense of humour. I find people who take sex too seriously can become pretty obsessed. But, I am me and nobody else is the same so obviously take what I say with a grain of salt. :P

To Stiven: I think i touched upon what everyone else is saying too when I talk about North American media - not saying give up the pr0n but you have to keep in mind, it's entertainment. It's not reality. Managing it is probably a good step towards thinking about sex in a more healthy manner. Also, after lonesoul's explanation to me earlier I think I understand better now what you're going through.

Edited by AntiNorm
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  • 1 month later...

I am positive there is some chick out there your age, also a virgin, and desperately wanting to cure that. Go find her.

Don't idolize partying and sex a lot at a young age as an important, necessary or common thing. I can understand in your situation it's easy to start thinking you are the only one who missed out on this giant sex and partying boat that everyone else in the planet got to board......but first of all, I think there's a sizeable chunk of the population that waits until their 20's or marriage, secondly, some people lie like crazy when it comes to their own experience in these matters, third, don't assume that people who did partake in the sex and partying as fun having free wheelers.......for a lot of people, it's a reaction to trauma experienced in their childhood because of crappy family situations, sexual abuse, mental health problems, and low self esteem. And fourth, consider that someone is in the opposite if your situation right now.....they have had a large number of random sexual partners in the past, have battled the drug and alcohol issues that follow the fun , experimental stage of partying, and are now desiring a serious, long term relationship and low and behold their would be soul mate is a virgin, and now they feel sleazy and impure because of their history compared to their virginal, untainted partner.

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Hi Stiven, I'm 27 (female) and still a virgin (by choice). It's really sad that you think being happy in life is just about having sex (sex may be pleasurable but the functionality of those parts of the body is to create a life, a baby!) and it upsets me that you view women as sexual objects as opposed to people with personalities, feelings, brains!

I personally only want to be with a guy who is a virgin too, as it shows me they respect women and themselves and like me are waiting to be with someone they love and want to have a future and children with and share the most intimate experience together.

You can't just presume women in the shopping mall or wherever are having lots of sex etc. you don't know anything about them and everyone is different! Guys are shocked when I tell them I'm a virgin, but just because they think I'm attractive doesn't mean I'm having sex!

I think before you are ready to have an intimate relationship with someone you have to learn to love and respect yourself first, as well as having respect for women, who aren't just a body to objectify!

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I personally only want to be with a guy who is a virgin too, as it shows me they respect women and themselves and like me are waiting to be with someone they love and want to have a future and children with and share the most intimate experience together.

While your choice about celibacy is perfectly fine, I think your conclusion that a virgin is automatically better relationship material is invalid. You could find a man who went into a relationship for the long haul only to have his girlfriend cheat on him. You can find a virgin who then feels he has "missed out" and then tells you he needs to "explore"...

I just don't think you should take virginity as a sign of implicit virtue... There are too many life stories to pigeon-hole people based on that criterion.

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