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So I'm not sure where to start but I guess I will just start with the basics. It might be long but please read.

I am 20 and live with my parents. I have been attending college for one semester. So to know why I am here I have to drag you back to 6th grade. Middle school is a demon for everyone, and even the popular crowd have their problems. I was bullied severely in middle school, and even the principal wouldn't do anything. I started to cut like most teenagers do around this time. Your body is changing you don't understand it. Then suddenly you are taken from elementary school and thrown into a middle school of hell. During this year I was harassed and bullied then to top it off my big sister who was in 9th grade passed out at school and we found out she had a soft ball sized brain tumor.

I am the youngest of 3, so to have this happen it was like someone just shot me. It was horrible and then being told that my sister had a 50/50 chance of not surviving was a nightmare. I was scared and I isolated myself from my family just trying to comprehend everything. She did make it but she lost some of her eye sight and technically with her field of vision she is legally blind. The tumor also was not cancerous or reoccurring she had a VERY rare brain tumor. However the aftermath was pretty hard to adjust to. She needed extra care as school and she had most of the attention now. For those who are the babies int he family even if its selfish its hard to process. Suddenly the attention you were given was taken away and you were shoved off to the corner, it hurt.

I believe my parents already had known I was suffering with self mutilation and as much as they reached out I didn't like to talk to them. I talked to others but not them, and even though it hurt my parents what child likes talking to their parents about their imperfections? Eventually they just kinda marked me as an attention seeker (which lets be honest self mutilators are in a way trying to get attention however they also are in pain). So basically any talk of getting a counselor for me was in the wind along with my dreams. I was like a bipolar cutter I wouldn't do it for a few months then suddenly it would come up and I would start again. Now let me explain this I always called myself a "smart" cutter because I never aimed to **** myself but just get the pain of the cut. So I stayed on the skin and if I was in a lot of emotional pain I would just do it multiple times. It left smalls cars that went away quickly and I never risked death.

So skipping to 8th grade I got with this boy and I really liked him at first. He hit me once in our relationship and was very forceful sexually, however I did escape with my virginity luckily. However I also never really dated again after that, and I still haven't really unless it was over the internet with someone I knew I would never meet. So during high school I got into church and I kinda hung with that for a while however I got tired of being told to change my entire life and give up things important to me so I slowly strayed away from that. There was a time I hadn't cut in like a year and a half I believe. However all cutters who have cut for a long period of time know that you can't just quit. It's always there and I always wanted it. I still want it from time to time, however my online lover kind of keeps my head clear when it comes up.

My dad wasn't very helpful when it came to this subject, he was only good with two things yelling and threats. He eventually told me if I ever cut again he would kick me out of the house. So it's not exactly a happy feeling being in my home. It's not like I never tried to get help, I went to others and my parents told me to basically stop talking to people about it. Hence why they never took me to a councilor. I did try and get help but ya know it never really worked. Now I tend to get paranoid when I'm from example in walmart alone, I begin to panic because I feel like someone is going to hurt me or kidnap me so on. I also sometimes have a very hard time sleeping, I can toss and turn for hours.

So I guess that is all I will post for now about myself I hope you read it and understand how i feel. I am a young adult who still struggling with self-mutilation and just want to talk about it so maybe I can feel like I'm not alone or crazy. Thanks for reading.

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Sooo Sorry you are having a hard time right now, Katerina, and in the past, especially with no counseling.

Now that you are an adult You can see a counselor and a PschyDoc of your choosing. You might want to start with the college counselor if your school has one. If not try one near you. You may need meds or just the counseling. Either way Wishing the Best for YOU

Just Never Give Up., There is Help out there for You, one just needs to seek it to find it.

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Hey Katerina

Sorry life has been so difficult for you, but maybe some good things will happen for you as you enter your next stage in life. Sometimes when my depression gets very bad, things start to get surreal for me. During those low points I will sometimes cut. I think i do it just to make sure I am still alive. Not sure if that sounds rational or not. I dont do it often and I guess for now it is what it is.

Welcome to DF and rest assured knowing that you are not alone. ---- Pathos

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Thank you both, yes life hasn't been easy on me. I don't have a job right now because it's hard to get a job and because of my high anxiety I tend to panic when I get overwhelmed. So I'm trying to do everything one step at a time. In all honesty I don't even have a drivers license yet because I am to scared to drive. I have been a online gamer since I was 9 and my parents constantly told me that someone was going to kidnap me or hurt me so on and so forth because they were scared. I think this has helped developed my anxiety along with the bullying. So it really can be a struggle. I do try and stay hopeful as much as I can since it's the situation I am in. They aren't bad parents, I know they aren't, but I think their own fears kind of got a hold of them and they didn't know how to handle it properly.

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