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Confused About Feelings


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I don't know what to think of myself anymore. I have been having issues for quite some time but within the past month or so everything kinda crashed. I dropped my classes because I was failing and wound up missing a ton of work and eventually quitting my job. I fight with my boyfriend all the time (I get mad, he does not). I went to see a psychiatrist a month ago, missed my next appointment and am finally seeing her again this week. I am usually very active, and have been trying to maintain that. But my time in between activity is mostly spent sitting on my butt miserable. I can feel fine one second, then the next I just cry. I am so irritable and moody. I just don;t know what to do about it. I am always waiting for my boyfriend to do something wrong-like I preempt being mad at him. I never feel really happy. Over the last month it got really intense to where I kept thinking about death and suicide. I don't want to die, I would just think about it. And either not care or get terrified of something happening. The past week or so I have been doing a bit better-mainly I can fake it enough to get through the day where before I couldn't even do that. But I almost feel more angry than I did when I was freaking out all the time.

This has also caused some severe body issues lately. I think i was controlling my life by controlling my food and my body. I've been binging for a while, but managed to keep it under control enough to not effect my weight etc. And, even though I felt insecure a lot I always felt I was good looking enough. or just that it wasn;t that important. I'm ok looking, and it just wasn;t a focus. Now, though, I can;t even stand to look in the mirror. For a while it physically hurt to look at myself. I look disgusting, And even though I know I'm not overweight I HATE the way my clothes fit etc. Since this week has been a little better I can handle the mirror more-but now it's just depressing. Then I feel like the bf isn't attracted to me etc. and then I find all sorts of ways to be mad at him for everything he's ever done!

The worst part is I'll feel fine one second and cry the next. Or one little thing will happen and I'm off the deep end. I'll have short spurts of intense energy then crash. Over the past year or so this would happen but in longer stages-like I would go through a few weeks of being down and tired etc then I would go back to feeling energetic and awesome-hitting the gym, going out etc.And I do the same thing to my boyfriend. One second I worship him (which he deserves, really, he's the most patient person I've ever known) then I'm suspicious or mad at him and often just thinking mean thoughts about him. Actually, I kinda do this to my mom, too, but it's not as blatant. It's hard to explain, obviously, but I hope someone else can relate to some of this.

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I am sorry you had to drop all of your classes...if it makes you feel any better, when I was your age I also had to drop all of my classes one semester because I was failing. I managed to pick myself back up, and I retook those classes and got all A's and a couple of B's, if I recall. It is possible to learn for. This and move forward positively.

Please try to keep your therapy appointments, they really do help little by little. And it's good that you're keeping busy...does this include exercise? I've found that boxing, yoga and just general walking around the neighborhood help to lift the mood a bit, if only to get out of the immediate environment that I'm wallowing in.

We are here if you need us! Keep us posted on your progress and feel free to vent here.

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