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apathy247

Given Up On Myself

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I have been reading posts on this forum for several months and I recently joined in the hopes of connecting with someone who can share in what I'm going through. I was fired from my last job and that was the catalyst for me spiraling me out of control. I don't drink or do drugs I just sleep. I can stay in bed for weeks at a time. I am living with my parents because my mother got too worried about me when I wouldn't return her calls (I was sleeping). She would go down to my apartment- so to save her the trip I have been staying with them. They get anxious and upset about my staying in bed all day. They are in their 70's so if something happens to their heart because of the stress I'm enducing in their lives, it's going to be my fault. I feel bad, but not bad enough to change my ways. I try to make an appointment like group therapy and then I don't go. I tried volunteering for this woman and then I wouldn't show up sometimes. I purposefully sabatoge myself. Rather than having someone else fire me- I cause the problem so I'm in control of the firing. I have come to the point where I don't want to even try because I know I will bail last minute. So that also means if I have no appointments I can stay in bed all day. The only thing I get up for is to babysit my niece and nephew. I think about suicide daily, but I don't have the guts to do it. I am ruining my parents lives by my behavior but suicide would be the clincher. Today, I slept all day and I am fine with it. I have no motivation to change my life-- I have maybe 2% motivation which is why I still go to therapy and why I'm looking to connect on this website. I live on my savings and don't spend anything anyway. I'm on medication and have tried so many combinations of "medicine cocktails", but I'm the problem- it's psychological. I'm embarrased to tell you my life, but this is it- it's beyond pathetic. I sometimes wonder if I'm psychotic. I was diagosed bipolar with ADD. I dream of living in a halfway house so I can feel normal in comparison to others. Or I wish there was a place I could live where all my activities were set ie: camp or grade school and I had to go to them. I think of the army, but that is beyond unrealistic. I hate my life and at the same time I am fine with my life. I constantly google phrases like "cease to exist" "lie in bed all day" as I find comfort in others going through the same things. I honestly wish I weren't alive. I read an email from the woman I was volunteering for saying how my absense created unneccesary drama for her and I feel really s***ty about it- but I created the whole situation knowing I would feel s***ty! That's what's so MESSED UP. I am out of control. I wish I weren't born. Feeling a cool breeze is nice and sunshine is great, but that's not enough.

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Welcome to DF, apathy247,

You had enough strength to post on DF. Maybe you could set a routine to post on here everyday at the same time. You said you were in therapy. Do you bring up the sleeping issue and the lack of motivation? When was the last time you saw your pfoc? There are alternative treatments if meds aren't working. It is something to discuss with your pdoc. Usually psychosis gives you a lot of energy-like a manic episode. I'm Bipolar and when I'm out of control, I can go for a week or more with no sleep.

You should build yourself a routine to get up in the morning at the same time, take care of your hygene, go for breakfast and then for a walk. Maybe you could volunteer for your local library and read books for children. That is not stressful, The other thing you can do is help your parents keep the house clean and help with the laundry. Do not return to your bed until it's time for you to go to sleep. The best thing you can do is keep active physically and emotionally. I have to force myself to get up some mornings that I'd like to sleep longer. I have a farm so sleeping in is out of the question. I am now volunteering for my local Hospice and a peer cancer support group. I need to keep myself active so I won't fall into depression or lsoe my "sharpness.". Get yourself moving. It'll do wonders for you.

Sheepwoman

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Sheepwoman,

Thank you so much for replying. At first when noone replied I wondered if I could get more depressed through a depression forum. Yes you are right and these are things everyone (family, doc, friends, articles) have been saying but when I wake up I become a zombie and all I want to do is to sleep. Since I allowed myself to sleep yesterday why would today be any different? Well, you post did motivate me to set my alarm so that is a step. I appreciate you sharing with me...

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Dear Apathy...

I have total lack of energy too (yet can no longer sleep at all). Is there any chance the over-sleeping is caused by your meds?

WOW! You made me realize that I often wish for a nonjudgemental caregiver type to get me up and groomed and out the door as well. I isolate and will remain inside w/o food for days if I have time off. It's gotten So bad I must schedule work accordingly. Do you think our executive functions are not working? Perhaps that's why we sometimes feel the desire for a structured enviroment? .

Do you ever feel like you have early onset dementia? Perhaps not having a spouse is a reason to want more structure? Your parents seem to be fairly supportive and not critical. The fact that you are trusted to care for your sibling's children indicates that you are probably alot more engaged than you feel.

There is a thread about Anhedonia that is really interesting. I am new here as well and suffer greatly w/ major TRDepression. Would love some hypo-mania (not hyper-mania)! I thought bi-polar peole had more energy so I'm confused about your excessive sleep. Sure it is not the AD med?Med's have never worked for me.

I admire your parents for not giving you a hard time. They worry so let them know that it's your meds or your type of depression that makes you sleepy and not that you are hiding out to get away from them.

Thankfully you have savings/family to rely on for now. I do hope things get better for you soon. Tell your Dr about the lack of drive and perhaps a thyroid or hormone test is in order. If you are a man testosterone should be checked.

Wishing you well......gravity

P.S. Do you walk or excersize? I am trying so hard to walk but my mind is just wandering & I'm anxious and then the day is gone. It's a big deal to stop and get gas for my car. Are you Stressed Out??? Anxious only when you need to leave home? Agoraphoic? I think I am.

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I can relate to a lot of what gravity said, and also with your whole motivation scenario... it's getting the FIRST foot out the door that's the hardest... if you get a few feet outside and then feel you have to go back for some reason you can, but make it a goal to take a few extra steps next time. Like if you get up when your alarm goes off, even if you don't want to... DO IT... then after you make yourself a nice cuppa and decide you're STILL sleepy then go back to bed... but most likely, once you're up you won't just want to go back to sleep. For me, I panic at the idea of going OUT or MEETING someone somewhere at such and such time... making a call... anything confrontational really. Except in my case I know this is illogical and I force myself to do these things, because even though these things are scarey at first, once I learn the ropes it can be refreshing for my mood and mind. Just going OUTSIDE on a sunny or beautiful fall day helps me out a LOT... even when I could barely be arsed to get dressed for the cause. The cold can be nice too, the goosebumps remind me I can still FEEL. Anyways nice to meet you!

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I can relate to a lot of what gravity said, and also with your whole motivation scenario... it's getting the FIRST foot out the door that's the hardest... if you get a few feet outside and then feel you have to go back for some reason you can, but make it a goal to take a few extra steps next time. Like if you get up when your alarm goes off, even if you don't want to... DO IT... then after you make yourself a nice cuppa and decide you're STILL sleepy then go back to bed... but most likely, once you're up you won't just want to go back to sleep. For me, I panic at the idea of going OUT or MEETING someone somewhere at such and such time... making a call... anything confrontational really. Except in my case I know this is illogical and I force myself to do these things, because even though these things are scarey at first, once I learn the ropes it can be refreshing for my mood and mind. Just going OUTSIDE on a sunny or beautiful fall day helps me out a LOT... even when I could barely be arsed to get dressed for the cause. The cold can be nice too, the goosebumps remind me I can still FEEL. Anyways nice to meet you! YES yes

So true...

Apathy let's you and I force ourselves to DO IT (as really riah suggests we do) just for tomorrow. OK? BABY STEPS. We will set our alarms and get up :coffeebreak: and walk outside for at least a few steps tomorrow AM. Please do this w/ me? :bathbubbles: You too really_riah and anyone else w/ this awful apathetic depression. Believe me...I am so over all this pain! I'm not a 'look at the bright side' person. This is not a ploy...It is a life saving effort for me.

It 's Do or Die time.

I can't stand this living death. After we do this small but significant thing let's meet here on Apathy's thread :computer: sometime tomorrow???..

Please do this w/ me if you can. To prove we are not enjoying our misry ...and for the prenvention of Sloth & Inertia. And Agoraphobia!

Thx

gravity

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I can relate to a lot of what gravity said, and also with your whole motivation scenario... it's getting the FIRST foot out the door that's the hardest... if you get a few feet outside and then feel you have to go back for some reason you can, but make it a goal to take a few extra steps next time. Like if you get up when your alarm goes off, even if you don't want to... DO IT... then after you make yourself a nice cuppa and decide you're STILL sleepy then go back to bed... but most likely, once you're up you won't just want to go back to sleep. For me, I panic at the idea of going OUT or MEETING someone somewhere at such and such time... making a call... anything confrontational really. Except in my case I know this is illogical and I force myself to do these things, because even though these things are scarey at first, once I learn the ropes it can be refreshing for my mood and mind. Just going OUTSIDE on a sunny or beautiful fall day helps me out a LOT... even when I could barely be arsed to get dressed for the cause. The cold can be nice too, the goosebumps remind me I can still FEEL. Anyways nice to meet you! YES yes

So true...

Apathy let's you and I force ourselves to DO IT (as really riah suggests we do) just for tomorrow. OK? BABY STEPS. We will set our alarms and get up :coffeebreak: and walk outside for at least a few steps tomorrow AM. Please do this w/ me? :bathbubbles: You too really_riah and anyone else w/ this awful apathetic depression. Believe me...I am so over all this pain! I'm not a 'look at the bright side' person. This is not a ploy...It is a life saving effort for me.

It 's Do or Die time.

I can't stand this living death. After we do this small but significant thing let's meet here on Apathy's thread :computer: sometime tomorrow???..

Please do this w/ me if you can. To prove we are not enjoying our misry ...and for the prenvention of Sloth & Inertia. And Agoraphobia!

Thx

gravity

I think I shall try a few steps!! And... I will have a hot cuppa in my hands when I go out the door! I can get to my mailbox pretty easy but I'll see if I can get down to the end of the block before I turn around. I don't however know if I'll be on here when any of you are though because recently the net is have issues... not wanting to stay connected! =P

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gravity, really_riah,

I am in. I will say that today was a good day as I was awake the whole time I was watching season 2 of Dexter and I managed to do a yoga class. I'm fearful today is just the upside of bipolar and I crash again. But I do appreciate the group effort and the idea of a :nonjudgemental caregiver type to get me up and groomed and out the door as well

I live in America Eastern standard time so I'm not sure we will all be on the same page but we can report or attempts or what happens to each other. Boy I guess this is community support afterall. We shall overcome (ourselves).

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Same here re/ connection probs.. Howver I will report in. Don't know how to do all this PC stuff but Im' making an effort.

thx for the inspiration rr. Apathy...ck in tomorrow dude or pay the consequences!

DEPRESSION :x: :x: :x: and the 3 of us LOL

gravity

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Aww so feel for you all. In my early 20's I had a major issue with this, I am now 35. All I could do was sleep, I was depressed, I lost my job due to always falling asleep and having a lot of time off, I already suffered social anxiety and was overeating. I was not functioning very well at all. I kept going to the doctor and the tests showed nothing. Eventually my doctor sent me to a pyshcologist who then referred me to a neurologist who tested me for narcolepsy, no evidence as such but I was prescribed dexamphetamine anyway. I tried not to take them as I knew you can get used to them and then need more to have to same affect.

Anyways what ever was going on resolved its self, I don't have this problem anymore but I understand the pain it caused and how easy it is just to submit to it.

This time round I am having another depressive episode, I am not sleeping well at all, I have no appetite and I am crying a lot. Its almost like in the first episode I couldn't feel and was numbing out and this time I am feeling too much. Very bizzare! I actually think of mind as xmas tree lights - you know when you pull them out and they are a big tangled mess and its pretty much impossible to start untangling well that's me.

Back to you guys... I think yous supporting each other is awesome. You each know how the other truly feels. I don't know what the rules are for having contact but if its allowed and you felt safe doing so yous could swap cell numbers and support each other like that? I come from NZ, a much safer country than the states.

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Alright, so I woke up this morning (slept in b/c it was my only day off this week) and made myself a hot cuppa tea, stepped outside into the very nice day... there weren't any people out on the streets today so it was easier for me to walk down to the end of the block, and from there I went on up the next block and cut through a veteran cemetary to make a circle back home. Of course the whole time my stomach was twisted into knots with nervousness and I was getting a light anxiety sweat... but I really loved seeing the different colored leaves and the air was fresh... the cemetary was nice even though I thought zombies would surely rise (lol, but seriously...) I even looked at a couple of the headstones- a lot of those people had been real-life heroes. As I was walking back on the block to home there was a group of men up ahead wandering towards ME, so I quickened my pace just to get to MY front door before they could approach me... THAT was a CLOSE one!! Ha! After the walk I even called my mum and told her about it. =) I MIGHT do it again another morning if I wake up in time before work, but who knows... thanks guys, I hope you all did okay! I did good I think aside from the sweating lol... you would think I had been exerting myself a lot more than I was...

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OK...I did it but don't congradulate me.

Jolting awake this morning w/ immediate anxiety, racing heart and the ever present & over-whelming sense of deepest DOOM, Desolation & DREAD was so ****** disappointing!

I must have SUBCONSCIOUSLY let a tiny bit of hope take hold that this morning would be different from all the other mornings of my miserable existance. I didn't really believe it would but secretly, subconsciously hoped!

After all...did'nt I bare my soul and publically confess that I'm inadequate and hanging out w/sloth & inertia way too much??? DEPRESSION I hate you. Hope I hate you too.

seeing a glimspe of what could have been, should have been, would have been...if only???

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Wow...Amazingingly, even my laptop couldn't take any more of my pity party and it automatically flashed off and posted for me after the last 3 question marks above!

Keeps flashing Battery only 60% when I am not using the battery..I am plugged in.

Something is going wrong w/ my pc or my connection w/ DF...or maybe the whole Internet is just embarassed to be associated w/ me.

Anyway...the point of my above post is I'M GLAD I MADE MYSELF KEEP MY PROMISE even through the disappointment...

decades & decades of TRD I'm so OVER false hope. Don't want it even if it get's me to suffer through another minute, another day. False hope makes me feel used, scammed and stupid! Like stringing beads on a thread w/o a knot. Demeaning busywork.

Now...if you've got the real deal, 100% GENUINE VERIFIED HOPE I'm in.

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Gravity I can hear your pain and I wish I could fix it for you. All I know is that coming to this forum has made me feel not so alone... many others know my pain to the core of their souls. I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone.

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Congrats to Really Riah and Gravity seeing the am! Gravity my computer has similiar issues... i feel like after 2 years the batteries on laptops lose juice. You can possibly replace the battery.

Very Broken-- thanks for filling us in on you. I am really intrigued by the sleeping issues you have had in the past. Though you're sleeping seems more "legit than mine" as they would happen at work and beyond your control. I just sleep because I dont want to face the day and I know that I can sleep.

So I think I failed.Though I have a tendency to feel that way about everything I do, even accomplishments. My mom woke me up in the morning asking me to take something to the salvation army for a donation. I barely remember the conversation- I woke up at @ 5:00pm and helped my dad put a heat blanket on his aching leg and was guilted into going out to dinner with my parents because they wanted me to "leave the house". So I did leave and it was nice, but I then remember about our "pact" and felt s***ty because I failed it, but had in my mind i wanted to at least report back. I'm fessing up. I'm feeling down now though I am about to watch the last episode of Breaking Bad which I consider an accomplishment-- I'm not accustomed to watching whole seasons of shows, at least I finished something. Part of my problem was I couldnt go to sleep so I watched Breaking Bad till the am.

I will try again tomorrow.

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Apathy, in my research in understanding what was going on with always sleeping I vaguely remember something called avoidance disorder. Perhaps google it. So you didn't go for a walk, but even better you went out for dinner! Small steps you can do it. Maybe sit down with your parents and come up with a plan of something you have to do every day, make this things you enjoy... get back into remembering what its like to be living. I realize in the beginning things may not feel enjoyable but if you go nice and slow and tick of each day with your parents support hopefully you will get there.

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Apathy...

:cat_jumps: Don't worry we're not gonna vote you off the Island! I'll meet your challange and try tomorrow AM too. :coffeebreak:

Have MD appt at 1pm and work from 3pm on.. I DREAD it all. :confusedread:

I Need a Life coach :detective2: or a nonjudgemental best friend :1cat: ......or maybe a mommy?

Good Job everyone else! :coophaha:

Wishing for the energy to take a nice hot :bathbubbles: before sleep. This will be a sleeping pill night for sure! g

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I know exactly what you are talking about in having some one to look after you, I am feeling a bit better today but for the last 3 days I did not shower or eat, I just cried, stared at the wall and joined up here. Its times like this that I would loved to be looked after, kept company and just given lots of love.

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I would go out on a walk tomorrow morning too but I already gotta get ready for work early! Annnnnd.... it's gonna' be COLD, and even raining I think... but I take a nice twenty minute drive out of town through some nice scenic forests to get to work- the drive is what I enjoy. Apathy make sure you don't watch your shows too late into the AM before you can get any sleep before you get up for your walk! =P I myself am being bad and it's 1:30 AM right now... time to get some sleep, cuz I ish tired! Good luck tomorrow!

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So second night in a row I am up all night. But I will walk to the gym now so I am "up in the morning" thought not sure this really counts. Avoidance disorder... yup that sounds about right. Gravity, thanks for not voting me off the island :-)

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So second night in a row I am up all night. But I will walk to the gym now so I am "up in the morning" thought not sure this really counts. Avoidance disorder... yup that sounds about right. Gravity, thanks for not voting me off the island :-)

So did you walk to the gym? Did you work out IN the gym too???!!! I used to love the gym, but now I just work out at home. And were you up all night watching tv shows? I will be up real late sometimes watching anime and k-dramas, etc... but I like that stuff and it makes me happy. It's when I realize I've been watching shows ALL DAY and haven't done anything else that I feel worthless haha.

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I don't know if it really matters of me posting now , because it's been 3 years since the last one, but whatever.Apathy I`m in the exact same situation as you are except I dont go to yoga classes.Since I gruaduated from highschool I've been doing nothing but watching anime and game all day.I let down my parents.I tried to join a military career but didnt even bother to go to the phisical test, since I was bad at running.I've been trying to get jobs but I quit after a short period of time.I don't really wanna do nothing with my life.Honestly if I could I'd stay in bed and watch anime and play games all day.I've been doing this for the past 6 months, barely leaving the house.I guess you can tag me as a semi hikikomori or something.I usually sleep from 11 to 15 hour a day because I stay up late at night and I dont really like the day.I dont help my parents with housework I don't do nothing.They are dissapointed in me.Never had a gf,I`m bad making friends since I've known myself.Lately I can't even talk properly due to the lack of conversation.I was planning to be a hikikomori for the future.That until my dad past away a couple of days ago(driking because he can't have a regular son;he's been driking for the past few decades so I guess that's it)....at first I felt nothing.I couldnt cry a damn tear the first few hours.My mom took it very hard and if I start too **** up my life being a stupid neet I dont think she would last long.I dont wanna feel  guilty about both my parents die.I don't really know why I`m posting this, maybe because I want some advice.But I guess no one's gonna reply anyway...

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2 hours ago, lonewolf72 said:

I don't know if it really matters of me posting now , because it's been 3 years since the last one, but whatever.Apathy I`m in the exact same situation as you are except I dont go to yoga classes.Since I gruaduated from highschool I've been doing nothing but watching anime and game all day.I let down my parents.I tried to join a military career but didnt even bother to go to the phisical test, since I was bad at running.I've been trying to get jobs but I quit after a short period of time.I don't really wanna do nothing with my life.Honestly if I could I'd stay in bed and watch anime and play games all day.I've been doing this for the past 6 months, barely leaving the house.I guess you can tag me as a semi hikikomori or something.I usually sleep from 11 to 15 hour a day because I stay up late at night and I dont really like the day.I dont help my parents with housework I don't do nothing.They are dissapointed in me.Never had a gf,I`m bad making friends since I've known myself.Lately I can't even talk properly due to the lack of conversation.I was planning to be a hikikomori for the future.That until my dad past away a couple of days ago(driking because he can't have a regular son;he's been driking for the past few decades so I guess that's it)....at first I felt nothing.I couldnt cry a damn tear the first few hours.My mom took it very hard and if I start too **** up my life being a stupid neet I dont think she would last long.I dont wanna feel  guilty about both my parents die.I don't really know why I`m posting this, maybe because I want some advice.But I guess no one's gonna reply anyway...

Im sorry for your loss lonewolf72. It must not be easy.  

I understand what you are going through and I wish i had some advice for you.

The only thing i can do is send some virtual hugs and some prayers.

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Lonewolf......I am just now getting back to this forum and feel so sad for your loss.  

Please do not blame yourself for your dad's illness and demise.  

Most likely drinking had always been his own lifelong burden to bear.  Perhaps you only became aware of the depth of his alcoholism when he no longer was able to hide his pain.

Take care of yourself.   gravity 

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