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Danaz

How Come Depressed People Have A Significant Other?

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I have never had a romantic or sexual relationship (I am 34 year old, reasonably googlooking, but horribly depressed woman). Its diffciult for me to relate to anyone on this forum who writes about their, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband. I find it hard to believe that despite being depressed, demotivated, having loss of interests, you had the privilege of dating, finding the man who loved you, and getting married. And some of you even have children of your own who love you. To me all of that seem like a very distant dream. Almost like walking on mars someday. How can someone who is struggling with depression, manage to find love? I see many husbands posting here on behalf of their wives, that is so sweet, but looks like that can never happen to me in a million years. How did you find a partner despite suffering from depression? What are the qualities that they liked in you? Thanks

PS:I am new to this forum and made my first post, can you all please read it and let me know via comments if you identify with my situation? Thanks for participating, as that would be a great help.

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/95555-emotional-deprivation-verbal-abuse-from-parents-a-root-case-of-most-adult-depression/

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Attractive qualities,

I have self esteem issues and do not believe im good looking... so it can't be that.

I haven't had depression all my life but I can tell u wat my partners have told me....

they like the fact:

a) I smiled a lot

b) I was easy to talk to and I listened - they knew this cause most of the time i'd ask questions relating to the topics they were discussing... 1/2 the time I knew the answers already lol

c) I love playing with kids or playing with their young silbings, friends kids, nephews and nieces etc.

d) I apparently (and I don't actually believe this myself) gave off an air of confidence (the latest pratt I was with - reckon I walked with confidence).

e) I could laugh with the boys at boy things like Jeff getting his manly bits stuck in his fly etc

f) I can eat like a trooper - I'm not goin to starve myself just cause we're goin for a meal, I have no problems eating comfortably... this was a big one for some reason with most of the guys. Don't eat like a piggy though lol.

g) I can cook (this was another big one lol).

h) If the boys could do it - I could do it... ok maybe not standing up to pee but if they were goin to the armory/paintballs or hunting/fishing then I was goin too and I'd do everything I could to match my mates at this.

I)the last guy I was with also fed me some bull about the way I smelt... even wen I was sweaty and thought it smelt horrid - he loved that, smell ewwww.

None of them thought I was ugly... size 10, green eyes, dye my hair red, fair skin, taller then average apparently. Wen I started dressing like a woman for work in heels and peplum dresses etc a lot more men took a lot more notice.

As for me - I found the ones I lasted longer with - love kids, families. They all cared about others, where shy, had issues ie. not good upbringings, friendly, funny. They've ranged in all different nationalities, from Chinese, Samoan, European, Rarotongan.... I've neva picked someone solely on looks - but they've all been cute in their own way to me.

Edited by skinnymaybelle

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Thants great skinnymabelle....that you have so much goin for you .....my question is do you let these men know that you have been diagonosed with depression? And if so how soon in a realtionship do you let them know? How do most of them react to this news? Secondly, have you not lost intreset in most activities (as is one of the major signs of depression), coz it looks like you are still into a lot of things like armory/paintballs or hunting/fishing. thanks

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I don't do short term relationships if I can help it... I've always been friends with the guys I've dated... I'd prefer to get to know them first and them to know me... I'm pretty straight up about depression and throughout the friendship stage I've let them know about it... I didn't choose to have depression, if I hide it I know it could make things complicated and friends or family could accidently tell my new partner/ partner to be before me - which would feel kinda dishonest on my part for holding something big from them. besides if we are goin to go down the relationship path u need to know why sometimes I don't want to do things and I isolate myself and have mood swings....etc.

I've lost interest in activities many times... but each week at least 2 friends or family members (cause a lot of them know each other) call or message or show up. If I'm down I swear I feel sometimes like they plan to drag me out to things and many times it breaks the "funk" of my depression and i'm happy and enjoy myself. Other times partners just leave me alone to get past my depression which can last awhile and then they just treat me normally like nothing has happened.

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You're not alone. I'm 27 don't even look at girls anymore because for 27 and a half years they've ignored me. I guess some people get a partner and some don't

have you tried dating websites? Have you ever had a sexual relationship?

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I'm pretty straight up about depression and throughout the friendship stage I've let them know about it....

So can you please share how the men react when you tell them? are they educated enough about depression? do they think its a stigma? do they assume you might be crazy or violent or suicidal and change their behavior towards you by either being too pitiful towards you, or by backing off completely? I wonder where can one find men who would like to accept a depressed person with all her problems :-(

Edited by Danaz

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usually "and..." or "yeah ur boys told me already" or "so that's why u packed a sh(t when xxxx wouldn't..." or "yeah, so, so do I". I guess it's just in the men I pick - although in saying that the last one was a prize pratt... but the others have been a lot better then him. Along with this I get an arm put round me and a hug or hand on mine or a light punch to the shoulder...etc.

They have all had some form of education in regards to depression, one has attempted suicide before we met - when the mother of his kids walked out on him, another had a mother who suffered from mental illness and had attempted suicide on multiple occasions, another- cousin who hung herself whilst pregnant to her grandmothers boyfriend - she was 15, another who found his brother hanging- because they're parents had separated and gotten back together and separated etc, another whose sister had postnatal depression.... I don't believe their behaviour towards me eva changed... I would have thought those that had experienced the worst side of depression would have thought I was crazy or would be too much hard work - cause they'd have to make sure I wasn't going to "off myself" but no... they still pursued relationships with me... I guess it's all in the getting to know them first and picking men who seem / are considerate, caring all the good qualities.

i'd suggest just getting out there - it's blardy hard but if we don't put ourselves out there we will neva give anyone that deserves us the opportunity to find us... I've joined Win Tsun - martial arts (flagged that after a few months), I've been to sports clubs, rugby, cricket etc with friends and or their, family, joined forums for meet ups - where u make friends and as soon as they find out your single they try to set u up with their brother or their cousin etc lol, or work colleagues (all male) go to the bar and meet up with their friends ...which leads to ... mates have dragged me to parties - I tend to slip out the back or hide in a corner most of the time if I can but they tend to drag me up to the tables etc to sit with them and join the group etc. Yes even medicated I can loose interest in things but I do come out of the funk mostly with the help of my friends/family....sometimes I can be stuck in the funk for awhile and they can't break it - so they just wait it out but they'll always let me know they are there if I need anything. (except those family members like my kids aunt, my mum...etc - they just don't get depression, but they are still there if I need them... just can't talk to them about depression).

Before you lost interest in activities/things what did you enjoy? Sometimes taking a second look at what used to interest us may (not saying it will) spark interest in that activity again... there may be a group in ur neighbourhood that you can join???

Edited by skinnymaybelle

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You're not alone. I'm 27 don't even look at girls anymore because for 27 and a half years they've ignored me. I guess some people get a partner and some don't

have you tried dating websites? Have you ever had a sexual relationship?

Yes I have tried dating websites and their a complete joke and waste of time. No no sexual relationship because I've not had a girlfriend. I'm focusing on my career and trying to get a place of my own now instead of getting girls.

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My boyfriend of 11 years was married to a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder. Very different set of very intense behaviors, in her case. And she broke that marriage off to be with another man. He always pointed that out whenever I felt that my depression might be too much for him. Plus, all people with depression don't have the same symptoms. It sounds like you're assuming that lack of energy, lack of interest, numbness, crying spells, being unmotivated, etc, are 24/7 symptoms. My boyfriend always says that one day of smiles is worth going through 6 days of sadness. Just because you're depressed doesn't mean that you don't have good qualities!!!!!

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I suffer from depression and anxiety. And yet, I have a wife and a kid. Sometimes, I feel like I am not a good husband or father. But then, I remember that you can be pretty depressed and still be a good husband or father - especially a father. A 5 year old doesn't care if you are depressed - they just climb into bed with you and make you smile.

I am 44 and a long (long) time sufferer who waited a long time until my first relationship of any kind. Yes, it can happen to you.

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Look, it's entirely possible to fall in love and get married when you're depressed. I've been married for 8.5 years and have had dysthymia with recurring major depressive episodes the whole time. The thing you need to realize is that being in love, being married isn't a cure or even a relief from depression most of the time. It can even make things MORE difficult, because you're working on trying to be a good partner instead of just dealing with things on your own time.

Also, complete lack of interest is not a requirement for having depression. I have many interests, and I consider myself an interesting conversationalist. That's probably what attracted my husband to me in the first place.

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The thing you need to realize is that being in love, being married isn't a cure or even a relief from depression most of the time.

you have no idea how dismal and hopeless reading this made me. My ONLY hope was to finally find love. And now you all say that even being married to the love of your life wont help. :-'(

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My boyfriend was the first person I told about being diagnosed with depression, and it was before we were even romantically involved. I was diagnosed just that week. I wish I could say it's because "the look in his eyes let me trust him" but to be very honest I had just had a little too much alcohol and when that happens I have a big mouth.

For me it was right place, right time, right man.

I completely understand your confusion. I even wonder some days if he really wants to be with me or if he's with me to prevent me from ending my life or something. With or without partners, we're all in this depression thing together. Trust me when I say that even those who are depressed and have partners can feel utterly lost and lonely sometimes.

I just want you to know that it's not like there is any hope lost for you. I'm only twenty and thus hardly ever know what I'm talking about but I know this to be true. There are good people out there. Sometimes it takes a while for them to show up in your life.

Don't let being single stop you from reaching out to anyone. Especially all of us.

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I don't know the depths of others depression but for me sometimes having an understanding partner/friends helped pull me out of my "funk". They've come to know the part of me who isolates herself and is easily annoyed and dragged me out to do things... sometimes that's all it took. Sometimes it annoyed me more and they backed off.

They've waited sometimes till I broke out of my own funk because they couldn't help me. They've always made it clear that they are here for me, to talk to, to spend time with, just to go out and do something with them.... (all except the last pratt but I believe that he has multiple mental issues).

It actually puts a smile on my face wen I've come thru a depressive episode to see and hear and to know these people are there for me.... care enuff about me to want to be there for me. just saying.

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The thing you need to realize is that being in love, being married isn't a cure or even a relief from depression most of the time.

you have no idea how dismal and hopeless reading this made me. My ONLY hope was to finally find love. And now you all say that even being married to the love of your life wont help. :-'(

We didn't all say that. It's definitely not a cure, but I would argue that it is relief. You can't stop getting treatment or searching for answers or improving yourself. If it wasn't for my BF, I likely would not have gone back to school and gotten my degree, for example. Sometimes he has to remind me to take my meds. Sometimes he picks up my slack during bad days. Sometimes he convinces me to get out into the sunshine, or go for a drive, or turn on some music. Things that I know I need to do and want to do but just don't have the energy or motivation or self-esteem to begin. While I agree that being overly dependent on another human being, or having someone who enables you, is detrimental, I think that sometimes it takes another person to point out and remind us of strengths that we don't see in ourselves. Depressed people tend to be terrible at being honest with themselves and it can be helpful to have someone else point out the good and bad. Of course, you can get that kind of support from others, but for me, it's my bf. Love is wonderful and an added bonus, but will not cure depression.

You say very strongly that finding love is your ONLY hope. I think you need to reconsider this. We matter as individuals, and we find partners who complement us. One person is not going to solve a lifetime's worth of problems no matter how much love there is. Not trying to be mean, but you need to focus on learning to love yourself and realizing that a man would be lucky to have you as a partner, flaws and all. You have it in you somewhere, I think we all do.

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I initiated both of my previous relationships. One was introduced to me in college and the other I met at an old job. I've never used internet dating sites but I know a friend who did and is close to proposing to her.

Having someone is a relief but in no way is it a cure for depression, just as said above. My depression was present in both of my relationships, but both of them were patient with me. They didn't work out in the end but I think that particular quality is especially important to find in a potential partner, if you are clinically depressed.

If I were dating, I'd be upfront about the struggles I face and gauge her reaction. There is, of course, a risk of saying too much all at once, but it's a sure way to filter out women who wouldn't care much for me. I'd prefer the same in return. This may save potential pitfalls later on, though there is never a guarantee. I value honesty.

As for what qualities I find attractive in women (not speaking for all men, of course)..

Honesty

Patience

Affectionate

Intelligent

Sense of humor (just a touch on the "dark" side)

Easy going

Hope this helps.

Edited by afflicted

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Thank you all for sharing....when ever I hear men talk....or read their profiles on dating sites almost all mention we dont need anyone "high maintenance".....we dont want girls with "emotional baggage"...or "crazy".... :-(

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Look, it's entirely possible to fall in love and get married when you're depressed. I've been married for 8.5 years and have had dysthymia with recurring major depressive episodes the whole time. The thing you need to realize is that being in love, being married isn't a cure or even a relief from depression most of the time. It can even make things MORE difficult, because you're working on trying to be a good partner instead of just dealing with things on your own time.

Also, complete lack of interest is not a requirement for having depression. I have many interests, and I consider myself an interesting conversationalist. That's probably what attracted my husband to me in the first place.

Does your mother love you?

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Thank you all for sharing....when ever I hear men talk....or read their profiles on dating sites almost all mention we dont need anyone "high maintenance".....we dont want girls with "emotional baggage"...or "crazy".... :-(

Everyone brings some kind of "baggage" to a relationship. Some dudes just want a woman to look nice and stand next to them, rather than actually giving a . Some but not all. You'll find someone.

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I know the feeling. If you can't even leave your bedroom, how are you supposed to date someone?

Tie your bed sheets together to make a rope and throw it out the window. Invite your date up for a movie. :tounge:

Socially phobic?

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I know the feeling. If you can't even leave your bedroom, how are you supposed to date someone?

Tie your bed sheets together to make a rope and throw it out the window. Invite your date up for a movie. :tounge:

Socially phobic?

Haha I wouldn't say socially phobic. More like the lacking of any will to socialize.

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Haha I wouldn't say socially phobic. More like the lacking of any will to socialize.

You're socializing here, so I'd say there's a will.

yeah..and when you do meet them...what do you tell them your interests are? I have none.

You have an interest in finding someone to share your life with, at least it seems to me.

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