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Danaz

The Influence Of Parental Verbal Abuse On Peer Related Victimization And Bullying

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As a victim of bullying all my life (in school, college, university and workplace), I found this scientific research article very interesting. Please read and share you views on how your childhood was, specifically what was your realtion with your (1)Mother (2) Father or (3) Primary caregiver?

http://wcr.sonoma.edu/v09n1/hutchinson.pdf

In addition, I am new to this forum and made my first post, can you all please read it and let me know via comments if you identify with my situation? Thanks for participating, as that would be a great help.

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/95555-emotional-deprivation-verbal-abuse-from-parents-a-root-case-of-most-adult-depression/

Western Criminology Review 9(1), 1730 (2008)

Sticks and Stones and Broken Bones:

The Influence of Parental Verbal Abuse on Peer Related Victimization

Lisa Hutchinson

University of Arkansas at Little Rock

David Mueller

Boise State University

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I have been and continue to be verbally abused by my mother. She calls me fat (I'm not fat just a little overweight) and stupid (I have straight A's and she got extremely mad when she found out I got a 89% on a test. My grade in that class is 99%. I am a constant failure in her eyes. She talks negative every day almost anything that she speaks...I'm fed up with it. I just want to lay down and d**.

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Welcome to DF, Danaz! I will be sure to read your first post when I have a chance.

To answer your question(s)...

my relationship with my mother is good, for the most part. I've always been very close to her because I am her only child and my father wasn't around, so she raised me by herself. My mother has been a wonderful parent in many ways. I feel that she did the very best she could but it was difficult sometimes. I remember that she was often verbally abusive when I was a child...she might deny it today, but I remember some of the horrible things she said to me. One of the things I remember most is her telling me (more than once) that she would "knock my f***ing teeth down my throat". She also had no patience when I would cry. She would threaten to give me "something to cry about" if I didn't stop. And there were a few times when she would get angry with me for no apparent reason, maybe something I might have innocently said, and she would start cursing at me.

It is hard for me to write this because I love my mother dearly and I feel guilty for saying this, but it's true. I don't believe that my grandparents were ever abusive in any way to my mom and her siblings...this is why I don't quite understand how a mother could talk that way to her only child. I wasn't a perfect kid by any means, but I wasn't a monster either. The only reason I can come up with is that she was stressed out as a single mother and not only did she have to take care of me by herself, she also had to deal with a boss who treated her badly.

My biological father was never really a part of my life. Sometimes I would see him and my half-siblings, but he didn't contribute to my life much. We still don't have much of a relationship now. He calls me sometimes, but it's like, dude...I'm almost 30 years old. Where were you when I actually needed you to be there? He never cared about the misery I experienced under my stepfather's roof.

My stepfather is/was verbally abusive. This is also difficult to talk about because it makes me wonder...since my mom verbally abused me as a child, did she somehow give my stepfather permission to do the same? My stepfather treated me like crap from the age of 13 until I finally married at 24 and moved out (long story). This treatment set a pattern for my relationships with men in general. My teens were filled with verbal abuse at home. My mother never told him to leave me alone. That's just the way it was...he could say and do the most terrible things, but I wasn't allowed to defend myself because then I would be accused of "talking back". He had a problem with alcohol and there were YEARS of screaming/shouting, doors being slammed, fights, etc. I would have run away from home if I could.

He would humiliate me in front of any boyfriends I had. I remember once we went to a New Year's party and the whole way in the car, he was telling my boyfriend at the time what a loser I was and how I would never amount to anything. My mother saw me crying in the backseat and said nothing. He would tell me how any friends I had were so much smarter and more mature than I was. He would say that I was just like his older sister (who is a rather slovenly woman, smells bad, and has severe mental problems). He would criticize my eating habits. He would accuse me of having sex with multiple boys in the house while they (he and my mother) were asleep downstairs. The funny part was that I was only sexually active with one person at the time and we never did anything in their house. He wouldn't actually call me ugly, but it was always implied. He would call me lazy and stupid, constantly. He would talk about my "attitude problem" when I didn't even know what he was referring to. He would tell my mother I was a rotten kid and that she needed to send me away for good. He would talk about my body and me in general, in a very derogatory way.

No matter what I did, he saw me as bad. He was constantly looking for a reason to blow up at me. I miss my mother, but I'm happy to be away from that toxic environment...it was hell. There was no telling what would happen. And my mother would sometimes protest but for the most part, she said nothing. I guess it was more important for her to have a man around than to be concerned with my mental/emotional state. After a while, I did become somewhat defiant as a way to strike back against my stepfather and everyone who hurt me. I started drinking, being promiscuous, and developed a bad reputation. I didn't respect myself anymore because of what I was going through.

Now as this relates to being bullied by my peers...I will skip all the details to make it short, but let's just say that I was also bullied a LOT by other kids and adults. I didn't know how to stand up for myself because I was raised to be passive and simply accept what was happening to me. I had no self-confidence at all because I was always being called lazy, ugly, stupid, etc. So I internalized that and other kids sensed that my self-esteem was very low.

Edited by FeelinBlueAllTheTime

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