Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Danaz

Emotional Deprivation & Verbal Abuse From Parents- A Root Case Of Most Adult Depression

Recommended Posts

Hello,

I am new to the forum. I may not have words to describe my lifelong struggle with fear, loneliness, anxiety, insecurity, bullying and depression. I have done a lot of reading, and have come to a conclusion about the root cause of my failed life with no relationships, friends or achievements.

(1) My emotionally, verbally and physically abusive mother.

(2) As a result of above, totally emotional deprivation from my mother, and consequently from father and siblings as mother would control father and my siblings into not loving me.

Still not sure if I can blame everything on my mother, but this is my life in short, if anyone can identify with it:

- I have never had any dreams or ambitions while growing up as a kid. My main dream was that my mother would stop getting angry at me and my father; and may be one day love me.

- On growing up this dream turned into "I wish somebody, anybody would love me".

- I was lazy and could never concentrate or complete a project, lacked motivation.

- Was an average student at school with very few friends.

- I have always been a very very fearful person, who is fearful of friends, strong personalities, or anyone who disagrees with me.

- I was bullied at every school I went to in every grade. I was bullied in college and University. Bullying included; name calling, false rumor-spreading, my character assassination and my complete boycott by schoolmates. I don't know why because I was never shy, I was a very bubbly kid, very friendly, outgoing and voted the best looking girl in class by my teachers. Yet I had no friends.

- I was bullied at workplace at every job I held, and was harassed out of every job I took ever in my life. I was looked down upon, spoken to with utter disrespect, boycotted by colleges from social gatherings. My credit for my hard work was stolen, I was conspired against and forced to resign.

- I have had no boyfriends or significant relationships ever. I had just one guy who has truly loved me, but I had to let him go because I was horribly insecure and incapable of having a mature relationship where I did not drive him nuts with my insecurity, need for attention, need for time, my undue suspicion and extreme possessiveness and jealously. Moreover, my mother did not approve of the relationship, if she helped or approved the relationship would have probably survived. But apart from my own struggles with this relationship ( which in hindsight was the prefect love of my life), my mother forbade me from seeing him and it would not have worked out anyway because of her disapproval.

- Over the past 30 years I have suffered from severe, continuous, incessant fear and anxiety due to either my mother's anger at home, bullies at school, or on leaving home, bullies at workplace.

- I used to have a few friends every now and then in school, but they dont talk to me anymore, so by the time I turned 23 to up until now I have NO friends (zero friends).

- Since leaving home and living by myself for University and then jobs, I have felt intense lonliness, which only grew and grew steadily, to the extent that not only I did not have any friends to share my joys and sorros with- I did not even have any acquaintances to simply 'hang out' with for a movie or shopping. I worried, that if I died, no one would notice. And this fear was true, as days and weeks would pass by without me talking to anyone. I would look forward to grocery shopping so that I can cherish the small talk that the check-out clerks do...as at least they asked how my day was.

- Oh and how can I forget, I have never had any sexual relationship (I am a 34 year old virgin, as funny as it may sound). The irony--I have been described as very pretty and beautiful by a lot of acquaintances and strangers, and I am in good shape and weight.

- By the way I stopped getting hugged (by anyone) at the age of 12. I have never been hugged by 'anyone' since then, expect for the short relationship I had with the love of my life.

- I am 34 and my dream is still is the same, wanting to be loved by 'anyone'. Wanting people to say nice things about me. People remembering my birthday and wishing me on my birthday- even if it is on facebook. Colleges and bosses giving me credit for my work- acknowledging saying that I am smart and intelligent. People telling me that they miss me when I am away....heck 'notice' that I am gone.

- I am currently unemployed, and too scared, too scarred by bullies to take up a new job.

- Since being unemployed I have moved back with my mother, after 15 years, and she is till the same, providing every bit for my financial needs, but angry and controlling. So mercurial, I can still never guess when and what will make her angry and then she will bring the house down with her abusive language against me and my father. Its like walking on eggshell...and feels much worse...like walking on broken glass... as since leaving home, I have suffered extreme failure and bullying and rejection and loneliness in my adult life....so to come back with all those hurtful experience, back into the house from where I left as a hurt child--and still be treated as a child...treated in a disrespectful manner, kills my soul.

- I have finally seen a Psychiatrist and diagnosed with major depression since I moved back home.

- I have never seen a therapist or spoken to ANYONE about my life history till today. Bottled up feelings.

- Im completely demotivated, depressded, I m wasting away my life sleeping 18-19 hours a day, and when I wake up, every day I think of ******* myself.

Thats my life in short. And I must add...i feel horribly guilty of writing like this about my mother, because there are times when she has been extremely loving and always provided for me financially. But the number of times she has been angery with me, far exceeds the number of times she has said anything kind about me.

After scanning the internet for many years, look what I found:

(1)Emotional Deprivation Disorder

Mother love is often seen as sacred, but for many children the relationship is a painful struggle. Using the newest research on human attachment and brain development, Terri Apter, an internationally acclaimed psychologist and writer, unlocks the mysteries of this complicated bond. She showcases the five different types of difficult mother—the angry mother, the controlling mother, the narcissistic mother, the envious mother, and the emotionally neglectful mother—and explains the patterns of behavior seen in each type. Apter also explores the dilemma at the heart of a difficult relationship: why a mother has such a powerful impact on us and why we continue to care about her responses long after we have outgrown our dependence. She then shows how we can conduct an “emotional audit” on ourselves to overcome the power of the complex feelings a difficult mother inflicts. In the end this book celebrates the great resilience of sons and daughters of difficult mothers as well as acknowledging their special challenges.

With Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of the smash #1 bestseller Toxic Parents, offers a powerful look at the devastating impact unloving mothers have on their daughters—and provides clear, effective techniques for overcoming that painful legacy.

In more than 35 years as a therapist, Forward has worked with large numbers of women struggling to escape the emotional damage inflicted by the women who raised them. Subjected to years of criticism, competition, role-reversal, smothering control, emotional neglect and abuse, these women are plagued by anxiety and depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence and difficulties with trust. They doubt their worth, and even their ability to love.

Forward examines the Narcissistic Mother, the Competitive Mother, the Overly Enmeshed mother, the Control Freak, Mothers who need Mothering, and mothers who abuse or fail to protect their daughters from abuse.

Filled with compelling case histories, Mothers Who Can’t Love outlines the self-help techniques Forward has developed to transform the lives of her clients, showing women how to overcome the pain of childhood and how to act in their own best interests.

Warm and compassionate, Mothers Who Can’t Love offers daughters the emotional support and tools they need to heal themselves and rebuild their confidence and self-respect.

In her well-researched study freelance journalist Secunda draws on 100 interviews with grown daughters in which they describe early painful relationships with their mothers, protracted in their adult emotional lives and memories. To help repair the damage done to the psyches of daughters whose mothers are characterized as, for instance, the Avenger, the Doormat, the Smotherer, the author suggests a measure of separation from the mother--"divorce" if need be--designed to rid the daughter of guilt, restore her self-esteem and prepare her for her own motherhood. Secunda advises daughters to forgive their fallible mothers, "who did the best they could," and attempt a balance based on generosity and self-preservation. Nevertheless, this study tends to treat daughters as hapless victims, underestimating the pressures imposed on mothers of yesterday and today.

Extensive research went into this detailed study of troubled mother-daughter relationships and how these relationships can be improved, usually through the efforts of the daughter. Dysfunctional parents usually raise dysfunctional children who pass the same behavior on to their children unless a conscientious effort, often with the help of therapy, is made to break the chain. Practical advice on how to come to terms with, and often improve, unhealthy mother-daughter bonds is offered through excerpts from many interviews and quotes from experts. Serial rights to Cosmopolitan and Redbook will bring additional attention to this book.

-Marguerite Mroz, Baltimore Cty. P.L.

Emotional Deprivation Disorder

Emotional Deprivation Disorder was first discovered by Dutch psychiatrist Dr. Anna A. Terruwe in the 1950's and was called the Frustration Neurosis (De frustratie neurose in Dutch; Deprivation Neurosis when translated into the English language by her colleague, Dr. Conrad W. Baars).

Dr. Terruwe found that a person could exhibit symptoms of an anxiety disorder or repressive disorder when these symptoms, in fact, were not the result of repression, but rather the result of a lack of unconditional love in early life. Emotional Deprivation Disorder is a syndrome which results from a lack of authentic affirmation and emotional strengthening in one's life. A person may have been criticized, ignored, neglected, abused, or emotionally rejected by primary caregivers early in life, resulting in that individual’s stunted emotional growth. Unaffirmed persons are incapable of developing into emotionally mature adults until they receive authentic affirmation from another person. Maturity is reached when there is a harmonious relationship between a person’s body, mind, emotions and spiritual soul under the guidance of their reason and will.1

Symptoms and Characteristics of Emotional Deprivation Disorder:

Please see for a complete description of the symptoms of Emotional Deprivation Disorder as well as discussions on therapy and prevention of this disorder.

image002.gif Insufficiently Developed Emotional Life

Abnormal Rapport

o Incapable of establishing normal, mature contact with others

o Feels lonely and uncomfortable in social settings

o Capable of a willed rapport but not an emotional investment in relationships

Egocentric

o Childhood level of emotional development

o Feels like a child or and infant and others must focus their attention on the individual just as an adult would focus on a young child.

o Incapable of emotional surrender to a spouse

Reactions Around Others

o May be fearful in nature or courageous and energetic

o More fearful people tend to become discouraged or depressed

o More courageous and energetic persons can become more aggressive

image002.gif Uncertainty & Insecurity

Fear or anxiety

o Can be in the form of a generalized anxiety

o Fear of hurting someone else’s feelings

o Fear of hurting others or contaminating them (e.g. with germs or a cold)

o Need for frequent reassurance

Feels incapable of coping with life

o Worry that they’ll be put in a situation they can’t handle

o Can be easily discouraged or depressed

o May pretend to be in control in order to mask inner feelings and fearfulness

Hesitation and Indecisiveness

o Difficulty in making decisions

o Easily changes mind

Oversensitivity

o Overly sensitive to the judgments of others, criticism or slights

o Easily hurt or embarrassed

Need to Please Others

o Pleases others in order to protect self from criticism or rejection and gain approval of others

o Easily taken advantage of or exploited

o Fear of asking for favors or services needed

Self-consciousness

o Worried about what other people think

o Self-doubt and need for reassurance

Helplessness

o Do not dare to say “no” for fear of rejection

image002.gif Inferiority and Inadequacy

Feel Unloved

o Believe that no one could possibly love them

o Feel devoid of all feelings of love

o Believe they are incapable of loving others or God

o Suspicious of any token of affection – continually doubt sincerity of others

Physical Appearance

o May have feelings of inadequacy due to physical appearance

Feelings of Intellectual Incompetence

o May have difficult completing projects

o Repeated failure or fear of failure

Show Signs of Disintegration in New Circumstances

o Fear of new situations and challenges

o Difficulty coping with new job, landlord, moving, etc.

Sense Impairments

o Undeveloped or underdeveloped senses (touch, taste, sight, smell)

o Lack of order, disorganization

o Fatigue

image002.gif Further symptoms found in some individuals with emotional deprivation disorder:

o Deep feelings of guilt

o Kleptomania

o Need to collect and hoard useless things

o Paranoid condition

The Cure? …Affirmation!

Affirmation: When one person is the source of unconditional love and emotional strengthening for another person.

Edited by Forum Admin
PM member for any links

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"I am 34 and my dream is still is the same, wanting to be loved by 'anyone'. Wanting people to say nice things about me. People remembering my birthday and wishing me on my birthday- even if it is on facebook. Colleges and bosses giving me credit for my work- acknowledging saying that I am smart and intelligent. People telling me that they miss me when I am away....heck 'notice' that I am gone."

^That made me tear up. I can relate to a lot of what you've written. It's one of the worst feelings to have, feeling like no one loves you and that no one cares. Me and my mother have never been close, I also stopped gettings hugs and "I love you's" at a very young age. I never hear it anymore only if I'm going to stay with my sister and it's love you and then again that's not everytime. It hurts. I went through the same things too, not the best in school, few friends, bullying, insecurity, name calling from strangers and parents. I believe it's the reason I got into illegal substances by 16 and lost my virginity at 16 and then after my first 6 month bf I began to have friends with benefits. I know now that I was just looking for someone to love me and it really makes me sad that I felt I had to do all that because I never got it from my mom. I know deep down she cares and loves me but theres a difference between knowing and feeling.

I'm truly sorry for all that you've had to go through and all that you still are enduring. It's really not fair to you. Maybe you should tell your mother how you feel, tell her what you wrote here. Maybe she will open her eyes and see that your her daughter and you deserve to hear good things. You sound like a bright person and a sweetheart. Nobody deserves to feel this way. And don't worry about being a virgin, if only you knew how much us non-virgins wish to be in your place again. To be innocent in that way. I hope that you hold onto that until you find the right man who will love you properly, take care of you, and put your needs ahead of his own. You're smart. I know that you'll do the right thing.

Edited by frozenheart

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Danaz, I grew up with all kinds of family abuse and neglect, and I agree with what you've got there. I'd love to add to it, but I really can't - it's all there already! Best we can do is try our best to tough it out as best we can, right? One day at a time. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here is what I suggest Danaz- and I have made other posts on this board along the same lines you can find and read. First, you must look within yourself...you don't have to be happy with yourself, but you do have to accept yourself the way you are...and commit yourself to a life long process of the journey. Do the best you can at whatever it is you do. I know you have interests- these days it doesn't matter what they are- with the web we can always find other people that share our interests (and even better if they are passions). Start building social contacts with your interests. You will find friends....and then...who knows what may happen? If you find someone you like, above all...be a good friend. Be kind, supportive, compassionate. Keep doing this....you will find some that are more special than others. Go for it- put yourself out there....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Danaz, Hello & welcome to our forum..... I am really moved by your experiences, and truly hope that you can sort-through the years of issues with your psychiatrist....it really IS a journey, and I am sure that with reflection and guidance through the therapy sessions, you will emerge a stronger, more confident person. You've been through a lot, and deserve emotional connections with others....with work it will come. Please don't latch onto the "I'm 34 years old and still a virgin" thing....if you press, you may make rash decisions that you'll later regret....take your time, get yourself well and "The Right One" will present himself. I wish nothing but the best for you, and hope you'll use this cadre' as your peer group, as we all have our own dragons to slay, and miles to walk..... CD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you SO MUCH BoneSpur for your kind words. Can I ask you for some practical help? I have never been on therapy or meds, can you suggest names of certain therapist who are empathetic? I ask as searching for a 'good' therapist is a struggle and a journey in itself. If you give me some names I can contact them and see if they can help me long-distance via Skype or something.

Second, do you identify with my situation with my mother? As in, was emotional neglect by parents the reason for your depression too? If so, can you please guide me if stopping all contact with her is the only way to begin healing myself? Thanks

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, Danaz. It looks like you were having a rough time there, and I might have been asleep when you posted the message about wanting to talk to someone! On the part of my parents, it was mainly neglect. My father, because he left my mother when I was probably about 2 years old, and I only got to see him twice a year - if that - at the holidays or at my birthday.

My mother succumbed to chronic auto-immune disease which first disabled her enough to put her out of a job, and then leave her bedridden most of the years I was growing up. Perhaps she didn't mean to neglect me as a side effect, because she was in so much pain and clearly severely depressed, but it happened anyway, and it's hard to get past it, because I didn't even properly learn basic hygiene as a result until I had already started being bullied about it at school and it was too late for my self-esteem. She never took me anywhere outside the house beyond trips to the grocery store, so I wasn't properly socialized, and I'm still terribly anxious and uncomfortable around new people I have to force myself to meet. Apparently she couldn't be bothered, because she'd also make me dress myself when I was very young (something was actually wrong with me from the time I was born until probably about 5th grade. These days they probably would have said I was autistic, because I was a space cadet, totally stuck in my own head, and rarely had much awareness of what was going on around me - such as what was right to wear, how my hair should look, etc. Hadn't a clue.), and the only way I found out about it was when I'd get made fun of by the kids in my class for not matching. School was utter hell, but I had to go anyway. I was most likely a kid who needed some extra help....Scratch that - I DID need special help, because of whatever was going on in my head - but since not only did I not get that help, but I had an absentee parent on top of it, things only continued to be bad and get worse all the time. I remember getting yelled at for all kinds of that would happen at school, and it's not like I could just react the way a knowingly errant child normally would and correct the behavior, because my head was NOT THERE. My mind was somewhere else while I was in school, and I blocked out large portions of my school days....or should I say, DAZE. As a result of how I failed to get the kind of treatment, possible relocation to a special education classroom, or anything else that might have helped me through that awful time, rather than insisting on what they now call "mainstreaming" and making my life a living hell for a good 5 years, I have some very strong opinions about mothers of kids who they think are "cute" because they're "little space cadets." These idiots haven't a clue how the state of their child's mind might be affecting how they're treated at school by fellow students and teachers alike. Thinking about these events still makes me angry, because I could have become a very different adult had I been treated with the slightest speck of care by people who knew how to take control and build up a confused and vulnerable kid like me.

The thing is, it wasn't only "Poor mom, she's bedridden because of this disease." She also delighted in being verbally abusive. She loved to call me fat and make fun of my butt which she thought was too fat as a pre-teen (great timing, yeah?), and berate me about how she thought I needed to have lipstick plastered on to me to look at all attractive. Perhaps her generation did that, but I was something of a tomboy to start with, and after years of being nagged about it, I started on my own to wonder why the hell she couldn't tell me that I didn't NEED to slather on fire engine red lipstick to look attractive.

Normal people think it's easy to just shake this kind of crap off, and maybe they could because they weren't depressed, or it was just low level teasing for them, but the things my mother - my only care giver, and the only person I got any kind of feedback about myself from through those critical formative years, up through high school - enjoyed saying to me have had lasting effects. To this day, I won't wear anything that doesn't cover and hide my ass. No butt-hugging jeans will be seen on me, and definitely no short T-shirts or tops, unless I've got a skirt on to help streamline my hips and thighs. I don't know if this has anything to do with her nagging about what I put on my face, but early on, I developed the anxious habit of putting my hands on my face, scratching and picking at my skin, and I still do it to this day without realizing it until I've created blemishes for myself.

So my mother was my main influence, and the only person I could depend on as a child growing up. Needless to say, I got the hell away from her on two occasions just as fast as I could. Once by running away from home at 17, and the next by running across the country so I could free myself of indentured servitude and all the grief that came with it, once and for all. I guess I should say I'm glad I am not one of those people who ate myself up with guilt over leaving my sick mother behind. It was GOOD RIDDANCE at the time, and I knew that at 21, it was time for me to fly and get out into the world anyway. I felt I had done my time with her. That doesn't mean I disowned her as an adult. We still had a relationship and open communication during the years I lived across the country. All the memories of all of the things I just mentioned above were lying dormant all those years. Like, I had put them way way WAY into the back of my mind, insisting that I would pull through and become a successful adult no matter how badly people treated me as a misunderstood, messed up in the brain kid. My drive to become successful in my career kept me from thinking about that stuff, but...as it does with many, it all caught up with me as I approached my early 30s. That's when the worst part of my depression started to hit. I went once to talk to/confront my mother about how she had just let me slide as a kid, and she went into total denial about it. You know, the whole, "Well, I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY" bulls***. It was infuriating. I never did get her to face up to anything before she died. Fortunately, I was able to contain myself and be the bigger person up until she died, so we didn't fight about this stuff, but it will be unresolved forever now, and that's just something I have to learn to be able to sit with.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Danaz...your post captured my attention. My experience growing up with my mother was similar. She also tried very hard to turn my sister and my dad against me (and me to them, especially my dad.) My dad was my rock and role model. He wasn't perfect but I learned from him what I needed to survive. My mom wasn't always mean, either...I think this is the hardest part of all--the inconsistency. I'm really sorry you are going through this with your mother. I don't have the right advice to give but I can relate and understand the toll it takes on a person. I am not familiar with Emotional Deprivation Disorder so it's very interesting the information you posted. Although my mom was never diagnosed from what I've learned I believe she had a borderline personality disorder. I can completely point to my mother and my family dynamics as a reason for my depression and struggles throughout life. Talking to a therapist has helped me a great deal.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am not familiar with Emotional Deprivation Disorder so it's very interesting the information you posted.

I am so happy that you found the information I posted useful and I was able to spread awareness about Emotional Deprivation Disorder and depression in daughters of BPD mothers. My mother is also not officially diagnosed as BPD (borderline personality disorder)....and most mother arent...well that is the main thing about BPD mthers is that they never ADMIT they have a problem, so they can never be cajoled to be taken to therapists. But i am so glad my information helped you learn something new. I urge you to please GO THROUGH experiences of other daughters as seen in the review of the book + several books on daughters of BPD mothers on amason. I shall be posting more experiences so please follow my posts for those....

BTW, can you share something more about your father?

-Was your mother mean to your father as well?

-Does your mother love your sibling but not you?

- If so, why did she choose her over you?

- Did your mother often degrade and humiliate you?

- Did you mother often say that she herself is a victim?

-What did you do to escape from such degrading behavior?

-Did your father protect you?

- Are your parents divorced?

-Are you relationship with your mother better now?

thanks

Edited by Danaz

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"The cure?...affirmation

Affirmation: When one person is the source of unconditional love and emotional strengthening for another person. "

What does this mean? Do we need another for the affirmation or can we do it ourselves?

Edited by Incinderslie

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Danaz, thank you for writing this post - obviously a lot of people relate to it including myself.

Thanks for posting. Can you share your experiences? Was any of the books I mentioned helpful? Was it your mother or father?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"The cure?...affirmation

Affirmation: When one person is the source of unconditional love and emotional strengthening for another person. "

What does this mean? Do we need another for the affirmation or can we do it ourselves?

Well, unfortunately according to conrad baars in Healing the Unaffirmed: Recognizing Emotional Deprivation Disorder (Revised and Updated Edition) i think it must come from another person.

this is what a reader has to say about him: "An excellent book revealing the importance of unconditional love and affirmation in one's life. Baars & Terruwe describe the discovery and symptoms of Emotional Deprivation Disorder -- a syndrome which results from a lack of unconditional love and emotional strengthening in one's life. EDD manifests itself with symptoms such as feelings of loneliness, insecurity, insignificance, and worthlessness. Unaffirmed persons generally feel unwanted, unloved, inferior, depressed, afraid of the world, oversensitive, unlovable, and unable to make friends and relate to others. This results in an emotional prison which is only able to be opened from the outside -- by another person giving unselfish, unconditional, authentic love. To be healed, the individual must feel worthwhile to another person, loved, and understood. Truly an important book for ouur time -- a time when so many are deprived of the emotional affirmation and love that they need."

Edited by Danaz

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am not familiar with Emotional Deprivation Disorder so it's very interesting the information you posted.

I am so happy that you found the information I posted useful and I was able to spread awareness about Emotional Deprivation Disorder and depression in daughters of BPD mothers. My mother is also not officially diagnosed as BPD (borderline personality disorder)....and most mother arent...well that is the main thing about BPD mthers is that they never ADMIT they have a problem, so they can never be cajoled to be taken to therapists. But i am so glad my information helped you learn something new. I urge you to please GO THROUGH experiences of other daughters as seen in the review of the book + several books on daughters of BPD mothers on amason. I shall be posting more experiences so please follow my posts for those....

BTW, can you share something more about your father?

-Was your mother mean to your father as well?

-Does your mother love your sibling but not you?

- If so, why did she choose her over you?

- Did your mother often degrade and humiliate you?

- Did you mother often say that she herself is a victim?

-What did you do to escape from such degrading behavior?

-Did your father protect you?

- Are your parents divorced?

-Are you relationship with your mother better now?

thanks

Hi Danaz,

My access is spotty so understand my delays in replying. Thanks for your questions...I'm happy to share. My father was the biggest target of my mother's abuse. My mom stood in the way of his relationship with my sister so when I came along he took a stand. I was his shadow. My father never left my mother and I believe that is because she threatened to **** me if he did so he stayed.

Here's the answers to some of your questions:

--My mother was extremely mean to my father...verbally, emotionally and even physically abusive.

--My mom had more of a hold on my sister. She expressed more love for her because my sister didn't stand up to her like I did and also my mom was successful in ruining her relationship with our dad. She would side with my mom and be mean to me and my dad which delighted my mom. My sister is also BPD only worse--she's a sociopath, narcissistic and just plain evil. No doubt due to my mom's influence on her from birth.

--I think she chose her over me because she was born first and there is quite an age difference between us. I was a late baby. So she also resented me for that. She often told me I ruined her life and was the cause of all her problems. She also chose her because as mentioned above she had a great deal of influence over my sister.

--Yes, my mother often degraded and humiliated me to no end. Very, very personal attacks often centered around my sexuality/femininity as I went through puberty. My sister was even nastier.

--Yes, my mother was always the victim in her eyes! And she was big on guilt trips.

--Did my father protect me? Yes and no. He did by getting me out of the situation at times and by standing up to her at times and taking the brunt of her madness. But the way he protected me the most was indirectly, by showing me that that's not how everyone acts because he didn't act that way and I modeled myself after him. So I'm like my dad not my mom. And of course my mom hated that.

--To escape when I was a kid, I usually tried to leave the house or lock myself in my room. My dad would also get me out of the situation by saying "you're coming with me." As an adult, I'd hang up the phone on her, or cut off our relationship, and stood firm with boundaries best I could.

--My parents never divorced. Both my parents are dead now; my dad died first.

--It may sound strange to say my relationship with my mom is better now when she's dead. I say that because once the chaos stopped it was easier for me to let go of the anger and embrace the good side of her. It's easier to see how sick she was.

Of course like you said she never got help, "it wasn't her fault, it was everyone else's making her act that way". She could never say she was sorry or even admit she did the things she did. She'd just make a favorite meal or do something nice and expect everything to be swept under the rug.

Thanks for opening up the topic and sharing. I will be checking in when I can. :flowers:

~LucyLynn

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Lucy...sorry to read your story. Can I ask how old are you- are you married and have children>

All of you all please read this scientific research article

http://carlsbad.patch.com/groups/dr-desiree-jabin-psyds-blog/p/bp--how-mothers-spread-borderline-personality-disorde37ca7270a9

How Mothers "Spread" Borderline Personality Disorder to Children/ Show Me a Patient with BPD and I Will Show You a Patient Whose Mother Had BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder is a Serious Mental Disorder and It Is Spread From Mother to Child

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Danaz, thank you for sharing your story. It must have been painful to drudge up all those memories, but letting it out gets it off your chest.

You mentioned above Susan Forward's new book. She also wrote one that's a little older and pretty good that's called "Toxic Parents." Another good one of hers is "Emotional Blackmail."

Also want to say that I'm not on here as frequently lately (either once a week or once every other week), so I apologize in advance if I don't reply back right away.

Edited by FiguringThingsOut

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Danaz,

I'm sorry that I cannot offer much in the way of constructive suggestions. However, it certainly sounds like you have gotten a really good understanding of Emotional Deprivation Disorder, even finding research others on here hadn't found yet. :thumbs-up:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...