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Valdez2068

Insecurities In My Relationship

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Hello,

Just wondering on how to get rid of insecurities in a relationship. Any one else deal with them and if so what did you do that helped out?

Thank you in advance,

Steve

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Oh I've brought plenty of insecurities to my relationships. Self-doubt, predicting failure, mind reading, and so on. I think the best way to deal with them is to accept uncertainty. A relationship may or may not work out in the end and there is only so much you can do to guide it in the direction you want.

Another part of this is accepting that relationships don't always have to last a lifetime, whether it's a friend, lover/spouse, and even a family member. Most of us, I think, would like them to last and strive for permanency but we have to be prepared for loss.

Uncertainty is a universal element when people deal with each other. Allow yourself to let go of the pressure you place on yourself for perfection/certainty. Do your best to maintain relationships but don't become a slave to them, if that makes sense. People are part of your life, but they are not your life.

Hope this helps.

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Afflicted: I agree with your post; self preservation is key here.

Valdez: I suppose you just have to work at them insecurities. Without knowing what they are I can't really comment. I think that 'afflicted's' post is very true. I've recently just seperated with my wife (her decision, not mine) and although I agree with Afflicted I still can't get over the fact that 'some relationships don't always have to last a lifetime'.

I'm lost for words on this one. I really hope you resolve things.

Dizmo.

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I can relate to this. I have been married to my husband for 14 years and find that I go through spurts (usually when my anxiety/depression is bothering me.) I become very paranoid and suspicious for no real reason. I try to keep it in check, but sometimes does get the better of me. I feel like there have been times where this pushes him away. I try to remember that we can't control everything and by always worrying it takes away from what I know that we do have together. I don't want to miss out on today and the joy and happiness that we are experiencing by worrying about what may happen... I know, easier said then done. Good luck to you!

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Afflicted: I agree with your post; self preservation is key here.

Valdez: I suppose you just have to work at them insecurities. Without knowing what they are I can't really comment. I think that 'afflicted's' post is very true. I've recently just seperated with my wife (her decision, not mine) and although I agree with Afflicted I still can't get over the fact that 'some relationships don't always have to last a lifetime'.

I'm lost for words on this one. I really hope you resolve things.

Dizmo.

Dizmo, I'm right there with ya....same situation (I had Dysthymia) & ruined wife's ability to love me in an intimate way..we're friends, and love each other (she's just not IN love with me now).

Valdez, I've struggled w/ insecurities all my life (due to Dysthymia), and am now just coming out of the depressive fog & am having to face the stark reality that I have to "Power Through" all the thoughts that are ping-ponging around in my head..... Wellbutrin & lorazepam are assisting me with the current challenges. I am getting better, I just have to learn how to fill my alone time now, since wifey is starting to live her seperate life...the biggest pain is that she is a "normal" person & has adapted waaay too easily to the new status (I'm struggling with that). Be Well - CD

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BoneSpur: I'm not on any medication yet so I'm kind of finding it hard to get through it. I think it hurt more because I would of done anything for her. The way she left me was extremely unkind.

Imagine walking in from work after a 12 hour shift to find everything gone including the pets. Before the 12 hour shift I gave her a hug and she smiled. We were going through a serious rough patch so I knew that I wasn't going to get a kiss or anything. I think she smiled because she was releaved that it was all going to be over for her. Deep down subconciously I knew something wasn't right because she didn't go to work that morning (a Sunday where for the past 20 Sundays she has always done overtime).

I have a mixture of hate for myself and her and then I feel low and suicidal. This cycle can occur once a week or once every 2 hours. I've lost my only friend and to be honest I feel that it is best I don't have contact with him. Every time I've gone to terminate my life I have texted the people I love and care about to tell them. I don't do it to hurt their feelings I do it because I want to say good bye. Something seems to stop me or at least make me stop doing what I'm doing. I've dodged death more than once and I've put people who care about me under a lot of stress. I suppose at least if I do decide to give up, they will know that I did try and sort my life out and that I did care about them.

Dizmo.

Edited by Dizmo

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Hello,

Just wondering on how to get rid of insecurities in a relationship. Any one else deal with them and if so what did you do that helped out?

Thank you in advance,

Steve

Thanks for posting, I was going to ask a similar question. My life and peace of mind are ruined by suffering from insecurities that manifest themselves as strong jealousy, suspicion and possessiveness. These deadly characteristics in me can drive any true love or friend away from me. Its like I am suffering from a disease...the only thing is that unlike other people, I am completely aware of my shortcoming and know that these are destructive feelings, that are unfair to the other person. But I am a slave to these and can not seem to get rid of jealousy. It is extremely rare that I find a myself into a romantic relationship, I can say in my life I have had just one. But anytime any man I like shows an interest in me, I can enjoy that relationship for a maximum of 1 week.....where I enjoy the attention, the phone calls, the texts...but then my expectations rise and rise.....I get very worried and then angry (but mostly worried) if I don’t get a call or text from him....I feel if he really likes me I should be on his mind, just like he is on my mind and then there is no reason why he wouldn’t text or call me. I slowly then become jealous of his female company (his close friends, colleagues, neighbors etc) if he chooses to spend time with them instead of with me. My reasoning is that we are not 20 anymore and we all have limited time on our hands, and if he indeed has time, why wont he spend it with me? I would definitely choose him over other company. My thinking is that in early stages of relationship, we have not committed to each other, so this jealousy is normal…as we have not proved to each other that no matter what we will be loyal to each other. I know I sound like a GF from hell…sometimes I feel I am a freak…but I cant help it, my need for love and attention is TREMENDOUS. I feel once a person has proved to me that he will be loyal to me…I can trust him even in the presence of Angelina Jolie….BUT...I need that assurance first. I desparately wish I can free myself from the clutches of this deadly affliction that has ruined my personal life :-(

Edited by Danaz

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Hello,

Just wondering on how to get rid of insecurities in a relationship. Any one else deal with them and if so what did you do that helped out?

Thank you in advance,

Steve

Thanks for posting, I was going to ask a similar question. My life and peace of mind are ruined by suffering from insecurities that manifest themselves as strong jealousy, suspicion and possessiveness. These deadly characteristics in me can drive any true love or friend away from me. Its like I am suffering from a disease...the only thing is that unlike other people, I am completely aware of my shortcoming and know that these are destructive feelings, that are unfair to the other person. But I am a slave to these and can not seem to get rid of jealousy. It is extremely rare that I find a myself into a romantic relationship, I can say in my life I have had just one. But anytime any man I like shows an interest in me, I can enjoy that relationship for a maximum of 1 week.....where I enjoy the attention, the phone calls, the texts...but then my expectations rise and rise.....I get very worried and then angry (but mostly worried) if I don’t get a call or text from him....I feel if he really likes me I should be on his mind, just like he is on my mind and then there is no reason why he wouldn’t text or call me. I slowly then become jealous of his female company (his close friends, colleagues, neighbors etc) if he chooses to spend time with them instead of with me. My reasoning is that we are not 20 anymore and we all have limited time on our hands, and if he indeed has time, why wont he spend it with me? I would definitely choose him over other company. My thinking is that in early stages of relationship, we have not committed to each other, so this jealousy is normal…as we have not proved to each other that no matter what we will be loyal to each other. I know I sound like a GF from hell…sometimes I feel I am a freak…but I cant help it, my need for love and attention is TREMENDOUS. I feel once a person has proved to me that he will be loyal to me…I can trust him even in the presence of Angelina Jolie….BUT...I need that assurance first. I desparately wish I can free myself from the clutches of this deadly affliction that has ruined my personal life :-(

I am a girlfriend from hell right?

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Thank you for the replies... For me its like this... My fiance has had her fun and battles in the past. She knows many people both guys and girls. Everyone in her family has noticed the HUGE change she has made since being with me. This makes me feel very good about that, but my past in relationships has been horrible. Every girlfriend i have had has cheated on me and that hurt leads me to think that my fiance will do the same. She constantly checks her phone at txts or Facebook. I found myself trying to see who it was she was txtn or what profile she was looking at. She noticed it also and confronted me about it. She says she would never cheat on me. Keep in mund that we are getting married and have spent a good amount of time and money on preporations. Like she told me, " if i didnt love you, you think i would be planning this wedding or have gotten my dress already?' She also works out with a group of mostly guys that she says are friends... I look nothing like these guys and i get intimidated by what they have that i dont. I mentioned this and her response was " what guys and girls are there is the least of my worries". Its not that i dont trust her, I dont trust them. (if that makes any sense). We used to see each other everynight, but that has now changed to mainly weekends due to work schedules. I do love her with all my heart and i cant wait to be her hubby, but i know that these insecurities that i hold have been pushing her away... We argue over stupid stuff mostly cause I ask her something that does not need to be asked. Please help me.... Our wedding is in May, and Im just wishing and praying everyday that we will last.

thank you,

Steve

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Valdez2068

I'm sorry that you've had a bad time with previous relationships. I know you'd like to be certain that your fiance won't make a poor decision, however, there is never a guarantee of such a thing. That being said, I'd be careful not to assume that she will cheat based on other women you knew. When you are monitoring her texts and FB activity, you're expecting her to mess up. When she notices this, it's a violation of trust and indeed that can push her away. In other words, by worrying so much about this, you can inadvertently contribute to what you fear most - that she will leave for another dude.

If you love her and can't wait to be her husband, show it through acts of appreciation and stop the mention of other guys. You can't control who her friends are.

If you find out by accident (or there's obvious signs) that she does mess up, you haven't found your wife yet.

Edited by afflicted

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Hello,

Just wondering on how to get rid of insecurities in a relationship. Any one else deal with them and if so what did you do that helped out?

Thank you in advance,

Steve

Thanks for posting, I was going to ask a similar question. My life and peace of mind are ruined by suffering from insecurities that manifest themselves as strong jealousy, suspicion and possessiveness. These deadly characteristics in me can drive any true love or friend away from me. Its like I am suffering from a disease...the only thing is that unlike other people, I am completely aware of my shortcoming and know that these are destructive feelings, that are unfair to the other person. But I am a slave to these and can not seem to get rid of jealousy. It is extremely rare that I find a myself into a romantic relationship, I can say in my life I have had just one. But anytime any man I like shows an interest in me, I can enjoy that relationship for a maximum of 1 week.....where I enjoy the attention, the phone calls, the texts...but then my expectations rise and rise.....I get very worried and then angry (but mostly worried) if I don’t get a call or text from him....I feel if he really likes me I should be on his mind, just like he is on my mind and then there is no reason why he wouldn’t text or call me. I slowly then become jealous of his female company (his close friends, colleagues, neighbors etc) if he chooses to spend time with them instead of with me. My reasoning is that we are not 20 anymore and we all have limited time on our hands, and if he indeed has time, why wont he spend it with me? I would definitely choose him over other company. My thinking is that in early stages of relationship, we have not committed to each other, so this jealousy is normal…as we have not proved to each other that no matter what we will be loyal to each other. I know I sound like a GF from hell…sometimes I feel I am a freak…but I cant help it, my need for love and attention is TREMENDOUS. I feel once a person has proved to me that he will be loyal to me…I can trust him even in the presence of Angelina Jolie….BUT...I need that assurance first. I desparately wish I can free myself from the clutches of this deadly affliction that has ruined my personal life :-(

I am a girlfriend from hell right?

Someone please tell me if Im crazy or a result of bad parenting and depression ?

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For myself it is as simple as to ask "Is there anything my spouse has done to warrant my lack of trust and paranoia?". And the answer is NO. It is a hard thing to accept really. I keep wanting to blame my spouse. I have caused her lots of undue stress that I basically drove her back to smoking. I think she is mad at me when she is not. I think something is wrong with our relationship when there isn't. Simply I suffer from delusions and paranoia. What makes it so compelling is it revolves basically 85% of the time around ONE person, so it is natural to conclude the problem is about that person.

What also makes it hard is trying to understand how I got here. We were happily married for 4 years then suddenly I started doubting everything.

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