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Problem With Friend And Girlfriend


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Hi, I've had a very depressing summer, I have a wonderful female friend who I spend a lot of time with and get on with really well. This friend went to work over seas for three mounths over the summer but asked me if I would like to visit her, I triple checked that she wanted me to go, then I had a difficult discution with my girlfriend, who agreed I could go. I had a disagreement/misunderstanding with my friend when I checked on her house, I didn't realise that she hadn't wanted me too, however I went and spent a week with her, a few weeks latter. The week went ok, but not as good as normal, guessing because of the earlier disagreement, I did however take her some things she requested and took things back home for her, I also by request did several other favours for her. My girlfriend wasn't happy when I returned as she thought I was putting my friend first, maybe a fair point. Over therest of the summer my friend became more distant, but I only did things that I though would make her happy. I had some health problems and the problem with my friend and why she was unhappy with me went round and round in my head, until I became very depressed. When my friend returned, she avoided me and we only met by chance a couple of times. I invited her out several times, which she declined, but then she invited me and my girlfriend out for a meal. During the meal I asked her several times if we could do some of the activities that we used to do again, but she put me off. After the meal me and my girlfriend were confused and my girlfriend suggested that I just ask out right, what the problem was. I text my friend and she said that she hadn't liked the way that I had organised the visit as I hadn't invited my girlfriend and I hadn't told my girlfriend we were stopping in the same appartment ( separate rooms ). I hadn't asked my girlfriend, because my friend had never mentioned inviting her and see couldn't of gone anyway for various reasons and my friend suggested the same apptment, even when I suggested sepparate, but it saved me some money and nothing occurred that shouldn't of. Now my friend says she will only see me for the time being with my girlfriend so that I can't keep anything from my girlfriend, but I think she's punishing me for the earlier disagreement and also, trying blame me got the time we spent togeather overseas, so she doesn't get trouble from my girlfriend, however I only took here up on the invertation. The long and short is I just want things to go back to how they were, I miss my friend and I'm not angry with her, I forgive her and if I upset her before I'm sorry, I never ment to, I was just trying to help. What to do next? wait for an invite for me and my girlfriend, go against her wishes and see her alone to try and talk about it, invite her to dinner with me and my girlfriend, or hope she sees that she's partly to blame and wants to pick things up again

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If it was me I'd distance myself and wait for her to make the first move. If she wants to ask you and your GF out I might go, and I might be busy spending time with my GF to make up for not having invited her.

Heck, I'd just drop her. It's only a source of drama and discord for you and your GF and you're better off not having any contact with her..

If you not inviting your GF on the trip and sleeping in the same apartment was that big of a deal she should have, and could have, said somethng then and made different sleeping arrangements. That she didn't want your GF to even have the slightest reason to think there was something going on and you should get a motel room, or send for her. Something anyway.

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Heck, I'd just drop her. It's only a source of drama and discord for you and your GF and you're better off not having any contact with her..

If you not inviting your GF on the trip and sleeping in the same apartment was that big of a deal she should have, and could have, said somethng then and made different sleeping arrangements.

This seems logical. Too logical.

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Thanks for the replies, I don't really want to drop my friend just yet as until this she's been a wonderful friend, but I have been close to going round her house and having it out with her, but she even before this happen doesn't want unannounced visitors and it might make things differant.

My girlfriend sent her a message this morning saying that she was fine with me spending time with her and didn't hold anything against her for me spending time with her abroad. Her response was, I'll think about it, not the answer I was looking for.

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Shinnymaybelle, your suggestion is interesting and it something that I have wondered about, is she anoyyed with me because I didn't make a move while in her appartment, or do you mean she was thinking about me and now doesn't care? I've just tried to be faithful and be the best friend I can

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Climber1 I am on the same wavelength as one of your mates. Does she fancy you? I wouldn't ask her outright that would just embarrass her and make ur relationship even more difficult but I've been on every side of this equation (in your position - stuck in the middle more than once).

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Hi, I didn't. Think she fancied me, but thinking about it, this could be it and she feels rejected because I've not made a move. We have been as close as friends could ever get, but when we first started being friends she told me she didn't want a relationship with anyone. Although we have never done anything sexually, she has given me massagers and we are very comfortable together, or were.

The person who suggested that she fancied me last night has seen us together, so maybe she's seen something I've missed

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Hi, I've had some good news. I was supposed to be running a marathon with my friend at the weekend but she said she couldn't make it, so I went ahead and ran it and did reasonably well. I then had a cognitive theropy session on Tuesday and we used this problem for the session. I arrived at an action plan, which was to invite my friend out with me and my girlfriend. I phoned my friend, thinking she'd not want to come and was suprised to hear that she was in a good mood and that she'd love to go out. We've now arranged this and I'm much happier, my girlfriend isn't to pleased as she can't understand why I'm trying so hard, with this friendship, but it means a lot to me and it's now some way to being repaired I think. I realise that any little set back could plunge me into the dark again, but all of a sudden my head can stop going round and round and I've now had a good nights sleep, which is a new thing for me. It sounds so simple, but it's not been easy

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Awesum... sounds stupid but I'm so proud of you...especially the marathon (ekkkkk - I'm allergic to almost all exercise so "props to you mate")...

As for things goin well with ur friend - that's another big O for Awesum. I know it's difficult from experience wen ur best friends fall out with you and u have no idea why so I'm happy things are getting back on track for u guys.

Everything sounds a lot more simple wen written but in reality things can be as u say - not easy. Good luck with everything.

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think about what could go right then. I thought that's what friends do, you care about one another, you invest time and effort into your friendship. Friends are other brothers or sisters from other mothers or fathers... that's how I look at it - they've become family and without mine I would surely have sunk further into depression.

Don't forget about your girlfriend also - she may need attention to lol.

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Hi, all was going well, but now my girlfriend is complaining that my friend is trying to be friends with her and she feels forced into a friendship and I can sort of understand what she's saying. My friend has asked her to be friends on Facebook, but she's declined and my girlfriend isn't too happy that we are all going out again, when we wouldn't normally do this sort of thing. She's also quizzing me as to why I'm putting so much effort into making the friendship work after my friend has been acting strange towards me. My answer is that we used to be such good mates I'd like things to go back to that and that I think she only shuned me because of a misunderstanding and it would be sad to loose a friend of something stupid. I didn't expect my girlfriend to complain so much about a night out and now it's starting to get to me and I'm starting to resent my friend insisting we do things this way and also trying to befriend my girlfriend and still not having much to do with me. I can't seem to do right and I'm trying so hard, my girlfriend says to hard, I think she thinks I fancy my friend.

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I had my first session of face to face theropy yesterday, I couldn't believe how good the therapist was, it really felt that someone was on my side for once. I've got my next night out with my friend and chaperon tomorrow and I'm feeling stronger. I'm going to enjoy it but I'm not going to take any criticism or the blame for everything, apparently the therapist says I've been treated badly and I'm quite within my rights to point it out. I've also had a hard week at work and my sciatica has returned, so I need this to go well for me, or it's back down again, it's a tricky situation.

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It's awesome that u aren't about to take the blame for everything... I think a major problem with everyone I know that has depression either blames themselves for everything or nothing and that's just wrong. Fingers crossed it goes well... can tell from the way u wrote ur last message that u are feeling stronger - again that's another positive. Just remember not to blame urself for it all if things go south....it's not all ur fault ok.

Ouch sciatica-sorry just hurts thinking about it and I don't have it.

Fingers crossed and good luck. Wishing the best for you.

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Last night went ok, I felt that our friendship was returning. My friend tried to boss the night, but I didn't let her take over, my girlfriend agreed that my friend does like to take control. A couple of coincidences also changed the mood, I bumped into a mutual friend who's just recovering from breast cancer surgery and my friend hadn't realised that I'd been helping her recover, also another friend just happened to be in the pub after the meal and he lives 300 miles away and just happen to be up with work. So these things lifted my mood and also made my friend realise that she wasn't the centre of the universe. I felt that our friendship had returned, however my girlfriend really doesn't like her, so that's going to cause problems. My mood is better now, because I feel like I have more control, but I still need to tell my friend how low she made me feel.

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Hi all, I'm trying to work out what to do now, after Friday my friendship is progressing, but my girlfriend isn't reacting very well. On Friday she complain that she wasn't asked about which pubs we went in and gave me abuse when we played pool and generally found fault with anything she could. My girlfriend has been very off with me since, I'm guessing that as in the past she thinks I'm putting my friend first, as I've only seen my friend twice in two months, this is hardly the case, but she has acussed me of being obsessed. This all depresses me and I just want to stay away from my girlfriend. Maybe this has been the problem all along, that she wants to control me and my friend has not wanted to get in trouble with her and that's why she only wants to see us togeather. It's going to be hard to get my girlfriend to come along next time we go out, I need to come up with something other than a meal. It's becoming hard work and when it goes well with one it goes badly with the other. May be the problem hasn't been my friend all along, it's been the girlfriend. I'd be interested to know opinions, particularly skinnymaybelle, you seem to have a knack of pulling me though

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Hi all, I'm trying to work out what to do now, after Friday my friendship is progressing, but my girlfriend isn't reacting very well. On Friday she complain that she wasn't asked about which pubs we went in and gave me abuse when we played pool and generally found fault with anything she could. My girlfriend has been very off with me since, I'm guessing that as in the past she thinks I'm putting my friend first, as I've only seen my friend twice in two months, this is hardly the case, but she has acussed me of being obsessed. This all depresses me and I just want to stay away from my girlfriend. Maybe this has been the problem all along, that she wants to control me and my friend has not wanted to get in trouble with her and that's why she only wants to see us togeather. It's going to be hard to get my girlfriend to come along next time we go out, I need to come up with something other than a meal. It's becoming hard work and when it goes well with one it goes badly with the other. May be the problem hasn't been my friend all along, it's been the girlfriend. I'd be interested to know opinions, particularly skinnymaybelle, you seem to have a knack of pulling me though

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Hi all, I'm trying to work out what to do now, after Friday my friendship is progressing, but my girlfriend isn't reacting very well. On Friday she complain that she wasn't asked about which pubs we went in and gave me abuse when we played pool and generally found fault with anything she could. My girlfriend has been very off with me since, I'm guessing that as in the past she thinks I'm putting my friend first, as I've only seen my friend twice in two months, this is hardly the case, but she has acussed me of being obsessed. This all depresses me and I just want to stay away from my girlfriend. Maybe this has been the problem all along, that she wants to control me and my friend has not wanted to get in trouble with her and that's why she only wants to see us togeather. It's going to be hard to get my girlfriend to come along next time we go out, I need to come up with something other than a meal. It's becoming hard work and when it goes well with one it goes badly with the other. May be the problem hasn't been my friend all along, it's been the girlfriend. I'd be interested to know opinions, particularly skinnymaybelle, you seem to have a knack of pulling me though

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Rotate then....when I say this I mean - let ur girlfriend pick the next thing and your friend the next thing afta that. Alternatively pick something u enjoy, invite them both and see who would be interested.

I would have assumed if u picked they'd both show - regardless of their feelings towards each other... I mean they're suppose to care about you not freakin make u pick between them - which is ultimately what's happening here, isn't it?

Your girlfriend could be jealous - ur friendship with this girl seems to be very important to you and yes I totally get that she has known u longer then ur girlfriend, accepted all your querks up until recently and helped u thru some tough stuff which leaves your girlfriends position threatened (well from your girlfriends perspective anyway).

It irks me that they've both put u in this position considering they know ur querks and that this could depress u...how inconsiderate of both them.

Edited by skinnymaybelle
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Thanks for the reply skinnymaybelle, it's great to have someone on my side, instead of hearing that I'm not doing things right.

I was thinking of picking something differant to do next time, trouble is I don't think my girlfriend will come, no matter what it is and I'll get grief for trying to see my friend. I do think a lot of my friend, partly because she brought me happiness last year when I was coming out of depression and she gave me hope, so I try to repay her, by treating her the best I can, which probably means I've neglected my girlfriend, however my girlfriend didn't even notice my depression, doesn't treat me particularly well and I'm fairly sure she's jealous of my friend. The other confusing thing is, my friend used to back me up, if my girlfriend gave me grief and didn't seem to like my girlfriend, now she's trying very hard to be friends with her, as if she wants to get the ok to be friends with me, either that or she's worried that she's going to get the blame for me going on holiday with her this summer and I have to take all the responsibility for that.

If nothing else has come out of this, then I've found a place with wonderfull people who help me. Thank you skinnymaybelle, your support really helps

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Why is it , when one part of my life improves, another gets worse. Since going out last week with my friend, are friendship has improved, a few text messages then she's came to the pub and we started to get on like we used to, comfortable and relaxed together. My girlfriend on the other hand has been moody and complaining that I'm trying to hard with my friend, and complaining that she was being forced into a friendship with my friend. My friend has been trying so hard to be friendly with my girlfriend, I think it's so she's not seen as a threat to our relationship, but it also could be away of fending off any hassel that she thinks could be coming her way, due to the amount of time we have spent togeather in the past, but it doesn't help me, with my girlfriends situation, although I think my friend thinks it does.

I had a theropy session this afternoon, I told the theropist about my relationship with my girlfriend and my friend and ended up saying that my girlfriend doesn't make me happy but my friend does. it was a major realisation and I don't mean I'd rather be in a relationship with my friend, but what it does mean is that my relationship with my girlfriend isn't very good. I'm not sure what to do now, with my girlfriend, with my friend I'll just carry on trying to be the best friend I can. This is all difficult to deal with, my girlfriend is away all weekend and I don't want to try and meet my friend because it will look like I'm trying to meet up secretly and neither my friend or my girlfriend, would be pleased, but it leaves me lonely. It's going to be a poor weekend.

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