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xora

What Is My Problem?

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I'm 32 years old, single female. I've never had a romantic relationship, never kissed a man, never anything. Absolutely no lovey-dovey stuff. I've been on a date once or twice but I really don't count those experiences given the circumstances behind them. I'm not gay nor am I confused about my orientation—which apparently is the next assumption people tend to have. I'm not ugly or unattractive, another option people have online. I want to experience the sort of thing that many take for granted. I've never even held hands with a man.

I would like too. It's not like I choose to intentionally be alone. But I'm not very "flirty" and given my social anxiety and clinical depression, I think I often come across as distant. So I'm rarely approached.

There was a time where I occasionally considered the option to hire a male companion—just to experience basic things people take for granted. And maybe it would give me confidence to pursue those things with a little less fear. But I never had the kind of money to throw around on something like that, and there's something about the action that doesn't sit well with me.

I would like to have a family some day. But if I can't even live this basic life experience during my life, what hope do I have of starting a family one day?

I feel cold and alone. Inhuman. And it only feeds how distant I am toward people. Ofcourse, I talk to no one about it because I'd like to be spared any pity.

I'm 32. Does anyone have an suggestions for me? Short of picking up a random stranger or slitting my own throat? I would like to experience intimacy even if it is only once. Maybe that would be enough. Not really sure how I can make myself more receptive and trusting of guys. How the hell would I explain my inexperience?

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You might be surprised how many guys would like to find a girl lke you. A lot of women go from one relationship to another like it means nothing to them. I realize you're depressed and find it hard to deal with people, but I have the feeling you'd be a faithful companion to the right person, and that has a lot to be said for it.

What you see as inexperience, the right guy might see as purity. A lot of guys have a hard time dealing with the thought their woman has been in previous relationships and it becomes the basis of jealously for them. Of course, that's their own insecurity and not the fault of the woman, but would not be an issue with you. You don't know what a prize you are. ;)

I wouldn't advise hiring an escort or picking up some random guy if that's what you're thinking of, not with the risk of an STD. That would be all you'd need to ruin relationships for you. You're too good for that anyway. My advise would be to try to find a nice man where nice men go, usually at church, but that's no guarantee.

I've been married and divorced twice and both times my wife was unfaithful so I was the one to file for divorce. Believe me, that doesn't make things any easier. I've been divorced for 7 years and haven't been in any sort of relationship since them, not even to kiss a woman.

I've given up on relationships and will probably be alone for the rest of my life. It's not a very bright future, or something pleasant to look forward to, but it's better than a bad relationship after the ones I've been through. I loved my wife both times I was married and let her know it, worked full time, was never unfaithful or abusive, and we had a great life in terms of intimacy, but things just didn't seem to work out. Maybe I'm just no good at relationships. My first wife told me I was "too nice", whatever that means...

With that said, I'm not really the best person to give advise on relationships, but I am a man and know what men like. There are plenty of men who would love to have a good woman who would return his love and be a faithful companion, and there's one looking for someone like you. But he'll never find you if you shut yourself up inside and don't make yourself available to be found.

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I have to agree with the above accept for both of you being alone forever. That kind of thinking can drive your potential someone away. I am very confident you both have highly desireable personalities waiting to be discovered. I wish you both the best.

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You are getting some good advice, and interesting to note it is from men- that should tell you something, eh?

I sense that the key for you is to "put yourself out there"- get involved in some form of activities/hobby/socially oriented functions....talk to people at the grocery store, go to concerts, art exhibits- DO things you are interested in...and you will find people with the same interests. And don't go looking for a man....let it happen naturally...let your common energy draw you together...

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I also agree with much of the above. I think a guy would be lucky to have you, and most importantly, accept you for who you are.

Social phobia/depression combo is difficult, I know.

I would like to have a family some day. But if I can't even live this basic life experience during my life, what hope do I have of starting a family one day?

You're only 32. There's still time.

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You are getting some good advice, and interesting to note it is from men- that should tell you something, eh?

I sense that the key for you is to "put yourself out there"- get involved in some form of activities/hobby/socially oriented functions....talk to people at the grocery store, go to concerts, art exhibits- DO things you are interested in...and you will find people with the same interests. And don't go looking for a man....let it happen naturally...let your common energy draw you together...

What he said

The more you take care of yourself and chase after genuine interests, the more you will gain what you seek. Find your passions. Explore them. Enjoy them!

I'll be 32 in a couple of weeks. I only just came out of my shell this past summer. It's been a tremendously uplifting experience that continues to buoy my spirits even when the ups of life turn to downs.

It's not too late. It's never too late. For a long time - throughout my 20s and early 30s - I thought that I had passed my prime; that all meaningful opportunities had long passed me by. Now the world is opening itself up, bit by bit, and I am now just catching a glimpse of how big the world really is, and just how much it has to offer.

And when it comes time, you do not need to explain your inexperience. You'll quickly find that it's a baseless fear that doesn't deserve even a fraction of the energy it robs from you.

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Thank you for the responses. This is something that's troubled me for a long time and it's hard not to get discouraged. I'm still not sure how to go about explaining my lack of experience without sounding like there is something inherently wrong with me. During my lows I often feel that there is even though on better days I know it's not true.

Edited by xora

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I'm still not sure how to go about explaining my lack of experience without sounding like there is something inherently wrong with me.

Then don't.

Just say "Hey' I'm not the type of girl who sleeps around with every guy who comes along" and leave it at that. If he's got half a brain in his head he'll respect that, know a good thing when he sees it, and consider himself lucky if your relationship does evolve to include intimacy.

What you see as a negative is really a positive. That will actually make you more desirable.

Truth be known, no guy wants to be with a girl who's slept with everyone he knows. Constantly worrying if she's going to be hooking up with them again, or how he meausres up to all the guys she's been with. That is not the kind of girl you want to take home to meet your mother.

You're looking at it the wrong way and worrying yourself over nothing. Take my word for it. ;)

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