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Anhedonia... Everywhere.

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I've felt "get used to the egocentric atmosphere of this post" anhedonic towards things ever since acquiring depression several years ago. Starting off with simple things, just feeling bored while watching television, lacking interest in academic performance, etc. Lately, however, it has been utterly fractal, infecting every aspect of my behavior. I don't FEEL anything but melancholy and a persisting indifference that makes even easy menial tasks become great undertakings. I'm on meds, and have gotten them doubled the last couple days, but to no avail.

It's not simply the day to day monotony of life that I feel indifferent towards, it's my entire being. My entire existence! From start to finish! Every moment of life from now on will be marked with indifference coupled with melancholic undertones including various break-downs. So what if I achieve success!? It means nothing to me, nothing will EVER make me happy. NOTHING. So I find the "love of my life", what is love anyways? The occasional romance coupled with jovial greetings throughout the day? Further feelings of affection and purpose through discussing similar interests? What is it!? What does it mean!? It means NOTHING to me.

What of friendship? I had one true friend outside of this forum, now they're gone because I f***ed up. How poetic! I have NO FRIENDS. I relate to nobody, not one single living human being that I have ever had the "grace" of discovering, and I've discovered thousands. I will NEVER have friends. Never. You know why? Because I'm utterly unlovable. I don't want to learn anything about the world, I don't care for knowledge, because the only thing that matters to me is entertainment. Guess what? I can entertain just about anyone, but never myself. Nothing I do that brings about laughs from uncountable amounts of people derives even a nuance of a smirk from me.

I once thought that maybe I had something to contribute to this world. Art of sorts. But no, there lies my two novels unfinished, never to be resumed again. I still draw a lot, but am too frightened to share them with anyone because what if they don't like them? What if? My life is filled with suppositions fueled by my rampant inferiority complex that decided to give its ultimatum with this wretched f***ing anhedonia that's becoming increasingly pernicious as life goes on. So what if I end up great at what I do best, I won't be happy. Because my personal life will never achieve any sort of level of fulfillment. NEVER, "Notice the use of determinate language. Things haven't changed for the better, but vicissitudes the entirety of my young adult life!"

Then let's move on to another factor. Even if I can contribute something, even some sort of works of genius, it all turns inconsequential in the end. Why? Because humanity is destined to inevitable destruction. Every bit of scientific progress we make, the beautiful symphonic compositions and the arts, the works of diligent beings that collectively form human culture, are all going to disappear someday. Boom, gone. Nothing. And anything that I could ever imagine accomplishing gets rubbed to a smooth, microscopic, pebble by the sands of time. After all, I'm one in 7 billion. 7 Billion! What a number! So what if I'm in the upper tier of talent and intelligence. There will be BILLIONS more individuals over the course of humanity that will exceed my abilities in EVERY aspect of life. Premature obsolescence!

There you have it! I don't feel joy, and anything I could ever possibly contribute to the world is infinitesimal and dismissable. ANYTHING. There is nothing for me to offer substantially, or even marginally, to human kind. Nothing. And that crushes me, crushes me to a little useless pile of pulp. But that doesn't matter, my trials don't matter, my suffering is irrelevant to humanity. So what if I build myself back up, I'll never stop ruminating, never. My life will be filled consistently with existential nihilism rumination, filled to the brim. And the worst part, oh here's the kicker, there's nothing I can do about it.

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IMO what you have described could be considered dwelling and focusing.....obsessing and analyzing over and over.....I have had so many of the thoughts and questions you mentioned above until I sought help for my major depression. I have had it since I was 21 and I am now 52.....lots of med changes over the years when they stopped working, and been to therapists 3 different times in my life.

There is something you can do about it....it will not go away on it's own and will continue to get worse if you don't fight it.

If you don't get any relief from current meds or treatments, seek out unconventional or alternative ones; if you don't like a therapist, find one with whom you feel comfortable and have faith in.

It's not easy to fight depression, but it's what is necessary to feel the good again that life offers at times....not all of the time, but sometimes......and how wonderful the good feels......

I am sorry you are in pain.


Edited by Peony

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I don’t have any breakthrough ideas for you. You sound like a really smart person who is not satisfied with simple pollyanna types of solutions. Perhaps others on this forum can address your questions at the level you are at. I think the fact that you earnestly ask your insightful questions is significant.

Just a few small ideas... MI does seem to color my vision of what is possible for me... maybe for you too? Second thought - I feel worthwhile when I help others, even if is something small. I feel there is significance in helping others. In some sense, your post above is possibly helping others deal with their issues, and there is value in that.

I am not in your shoes. Perhaps my words are of no help to you. Forgive me if that is true.

I wish for good things in your life. - jmg

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This might seem worthless coming from someone who on occasion goes days without eating, but your pain looks very familiar, so here goes. Anhedonia is difficult to address in isolation. No single small change or outlook can undo it, and this is the stage where many retreat into addiction or just lying in bed all day. But don't despair! I have found that having *some* life goal and *some* amount of socializing is not only helpful but necessary to break out of stretches of seemingly neverending futility.

Consider goals that offer at least the possibility of improvement. Not to be condescending at all, but you are too young and too early in treatment to conclude that there's "nothing you can do" and that it doesn't matter at all. Take seriously (and discuss with your parents) my suggestion to home school and prepare for the GED and SAT. Your time spent in high school is clearly not helping. I hated it too, but the motivation is just not there for you.

College really could turn your life around and help you to discover some passion. You won't have to impress....social acquaintances every day either, because they won't see you in the halls every day. You've made comments of not taking care of yourself, which is really a baseline indicator of depression. That needs to change to improve both your mood and social life, but there won't be the same pressure in college to always do so. You might see and hang out with a group of friends once a week. If you alienate someone, there's 20000 others looking to meet people. Surely in this environment you will find someone whose similar interests elicit more than a NOTHING reaction.

Socializing in this state of mind is difficult, and after extended periods of isolation, you might become socially awkward and tempted to withdraw into your room all day. That is why now is not the time to give up. It's not that you're inherently or permanently unlovable, but in your *current* state of mind and behavior, your appeal might be limited to fellow depressives and people who will not judge you for it. Forget about assigning blame. That's not what I'm doing. In fact, you might be internalizing the loss of your social life to the degree that you've given up hope of it ever improving - even as I get the sense that, if there's one facet of your life that you don't feel indifferent about, it's this. Without invalidating how you feel, there is one fact that should give you hope: You are not unlovable!

It's striking to me that you say "from now on." You don't know that. When ruminating excessively, I find it helpful to step back and concede that I have a mental illness. The environment can trigger and exacerbate it, but nonetheless, we aren't thinking from a clear and healthy perspective. In the past, when you seemed to be turning the corner somewhat, you said that nihilism/perfectionism was a 'fallacious' viewpoint. Now you are espousing some of the same concerns, in slight variations - i.e. your accomplishments won't matter to future generations vs. you will never 'catch up' to prodigies who put their talents to early use. What are these efforts if not building on the work of others who came before? But you don't need to be in the history books or even 'great'; rather, find something that gives you some modicum of fulfillment in the short term and go from there.

Again, while you insist that our efforts mean nothing, you do not seem to explain why we should base them on the prospect that future humans will 'exceed' them. Why should you care? You are also selectively applying your assessment of futility, that our efforts don't matter yet..."what if" someone doesn't appreciate your drawings? I'm not trying to in one sentence change your viewpoint, but you will need to confront some of this, when you're ready. It really doesn't even matter though if you're right about nihilism or whatever. What matters is depression is driving all of this negativity. Your focus needs to be on alleviating your pain thru means other than seeking out some irrefutable and irrevocable 'meaning' to life.

SO, to wrap this up, I recommend printing out your post and taking it to your therapist and also your parents if you think that will help. You might feel better by the time of your next appointment, but this is clearly not a problem that will just vanish. You need a healthy dose of the cognitive aspect of CBT. That's not a failure on your part, but it will help you to not ruminate so much.

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