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I Really Don't Like Who I Am Sometimes.


Kyle

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I don't even really know if this is something to talk about here but I really don't know where else to put it, and its something thats been weighing on me for a couple months now. The past couple years I've found myself becoming more and more vain and I feel terribly shallow because of it. I feel like I'm a terrible person because of it.

This is going to sound stupid, but I went to an art school for college. It was there I learned to pay attention to how things look. Everything in my world was starting to be scrutinized simply based on their appearance, although it didn't really become noticeable to me until probably my senior year it probably started when I was a sophomore. This wasn't even a conscious effort, my brain had just been trained to work this way. Now that I'm finished with art school I'm finding its effecting parts of my life that involve relationships with people around me. I don't think anyone knows how I can look at things, but sometimes I don't like the thoughts in my head.

I suppose I have some form of depression that usually takes form after something goes wrong and it'll effect me for a couple days where I just feel like everything is totally hopeless. Amongst many other reasons one big thing that effects me is how lonely I am. I can't seem to connect with people anymore and its been almost 4 years since my last girlfriend.

And now just as other things in my life are starting to turn around, such as a real full-time job doing what I went to school for, i've met a girl thats pretty cool. Finally someone I can kind of connect with. The only problem is that I think i'm trying to subconsciously sabotage the relationship because she doesn't look the way I pictured my girlfriend looking. I keep worrying myself that this is who my wife will be (i'm 26 and have a small fear i'll die alone which I know isn't something I should worry about). Which I see as a totally juvenile and stupid thing to do and I hate myself for judging this poor girl in such a way. Why am I doing this to myself, what is wrong with me?

In a related note I've noticed myself becoming envious of people, which in turn makes me feel bad about my own life. Like I'm some sort of social delinquent which is also disturbing to me. I don't know why I do it, its not like I sit around all day and at the snap of a finger decide I'm going to start becoming envious and superficial. I'm finding its happening naturally.

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I sometimes did that with my last serious gf and I also felt bad about it. Maybe it has more to do with being men than with art school, I dunno? Maybe I just did need to have more experiences with other women who looked different from her. Now that I've had a casual low-maintenace relationship that involved great sex with a very traditionally attractive (but very flaky) woman, I almost feel like I might be more ready to have a more lasting and serious adult relationship? (I'm certainly not recommending that you break up with your gf to do this though, to be clear! Just musing) Do you find your gf attractive, in any case?

When you say you envy other people, do you mean that you envy their appearance?

In the end, you have a right to have your own thoughts and feelings, whatever they are. I don't know that you need to beat yourself up over thoughts, unless they are extremely intrusive or obsessive.

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I sometimes did that with my last serious gf and I also felt bad about it. Maybe it has more to do with being men than with art school, I dunno? Maybe I just did need to have more experiences with other women who looked different from her. Now that I've had a casual low-maintenace relationship that involved great sex with a very traditionally attractive (but very flaky) woman, I almost feel like I might be more ready to have a more lasting and serious adult relationship? (I'm certainly not recommending that you break up with your gf to do this though, to be clear! Just musing) Do you find your gf attractive, in any case?

This girl isn't actually my gf, but in the past 4 years she's the only one that hasn't ditched me for one reason or another after the first date. And thats the thing, I can't decide how attracted I am to this girl. Most times yes, its really confusing. I've never had this problem but I think i'm giving myself this problem because of what I said before. I'm afraid i'll end up with this girl for the next 3-4 years and then find myself at 30 and decide to marry her for fear of being alone. The worst is that I recognize this as a ridiculous thought but I can't stop myself.

When you say you envy other people, do you mean that you envy their appearance?

Not really, sometimes though. It's mostly other peoples lives. Like this one guy I know, same age as me except he's bald and kinda goofy looking but he has this personality where he can talk about anything to anyone for hours and remain entertaining. It seems like girls love him because of it, and from what I can tell he has no problem making friends. This is almost the opposite of me, and I can't seem to get anyone to want to talk to me for more than 5 minutes then after that its like they never want to see me again. I don't remember if I said it in the first post but i'm a pretty lonely guy and I can't seem to figure out how to make friends or get relationships in the adult world and when I see other people do it with such ease I feel even worse about myself. This compounded with other things in my life contributing to depression it feels like there's no hope. I'm destined to be the old guy that lives in the haunted house by himself and never goes out.

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Hm, are you mainly interested in this woman because she is interested in you rather than because you are actually really attracted to her? Would you prefer a platonic friendship with her? Just throwing out ideas based on your post.

I have no experience with this but I've seen this site recommended for help with social skills: http://www.succeedsocially.com/

Maybe it could be of use? I can't say myself tbh.

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Thats a good question. For the past few years i've grown more and more lonely to the point where I'll see a couple together when i'm out in public and I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. This is the first girl thats come along in a long long time that seems to actually like me and want to be around me, so in a way I do worry that I'm interested only because she is. But we also share a lot of the same interests and have had a few good conversations.

I'm trying to remain positive throughout my life, but its very hard when you feel constantly rejected or like you're always swimming upstream with one arm. I've also started wondering if i've somehow developed some form of social anxiety.

And to go back to the superficial bit. I'm mostly really critical of myself. Ever since I was a kid i've put a lot of focus on my hair for I don't know what reason, but i've just always payed a lot of attention to it and for the past year or so I've started to notice hair loss. My hairline isn't where it used to be and while not noticable its not as thick as it once was so now I have this constant image problem where I feel I look terrible because I don't have my thick head of hair anymore. So when I say superficial its that sort of stuff that causes a bit of anxiety. Like I said, it makes me feel stupid.

I have no experience with this but I've seen this site recommended for help with social skills: http://www.succeedsocially.com/

Just took a look at the front page of this site. I swear its describing me. Thanks!

Edited by Kyle
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I went to art school as well and definitely have seen some superficiality there. I don't think you're being stupid at all.

That said, you don't sound like you're really all that superficial, at least not to me. It sounds more like you're worried about not having the kind of life you think you're supposed to have. Like, your comment about marrying that girl when you're 30 because you fear you'll end up alone. Do you feel that if you're not with someone by the time you're 30, you will be alone for the rest of your life? Or that it's not socially acceptable if you're still single past 30?

I could be totally wrong about you, I'm just offering some thoughts about your comments. I apologize if I'm way off base.

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That said, you don't sound like you're really all that superficial, at least not to me. It sounds more like you're worried about not having the kind of life you think you're supposed to have. Like, your comment about marrying that girl when you're 30 because you fear you'll end up alone.

I could be totally wrong about you, I'm just offering some thoughts about your comments. I apologize if I'm way off base.

You're not off base. I don't know if its so much I'm worried that I won't have the life I think i'm supposed to have, its more I can't seem to get the life I want. I have this picture in my head of what I'd like my life to be like and all of these things are either happening very slowly or don't seem to be happening at all. Really I desperatly want an adult relationship. There's still so many things I feel like I haven't done. I think i've slept in a bed with a girl maybe 10 times most of that being with a GF, I don't know what its like to come home to someone waiting for me, I don't now what it's like to have someone cook for me or vise versa, to celebrate a holiday with just a GF, to have a night out at bars with a GF just the two of us, to go grocery shopping together, to go on a long trip, go camping with a GF, to sit and watch TV and do nothing all day. I don't even know what its like to go out with a bunch of friends and your GF. I feel like my experiences with relationships is stuck at 19 years old. (I was 21-23 when I had my last GF. She was 18 and still lived at home).

Do you feel that if you're not with someone by the time you're 30, you will be alone for the rest of your life? Or that it's not socially acceptable if you're still single past 30?

It's not so much that i'm worried about being alone or it not being socially acceptable to be single at 30, I feel like i'm missing out. No offense to anyone, but I see your 20's as this time when you're in generally great shape, have lots of energy, you can be selfish, no kids (for the most part), you can be a little wreckless, go wherever you want whenever you feel like it, move across country with little to think about such as a family with kids, you can experiment (not to imply drugs and sex), everything is supposed to be great in your 20's and i've experienced most of it by myself. I have no one to share it with. There's a lot of things I like doing, but for the most part I do them alone which isn't really all that fun. I want someone to share these experiences with. Its one thing to do them with a friend, but to do them with someone you're in a relationship with brings about a deeper connection and enjoyment to things.

There's this constant feeling I get like i'm always missing out on something. Like there's some super awesome party every twenty something knows about, except me. So I'm worried I'll be 30 and everyone around me will start settling down just as I'm getting ready to go and experience things, assuming I have a GF. It's like I'm getting left behind...I swear I'm having a Quarter-Life Crisis.

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I definitely know how you feel. I'm 24 and I spent the first part of my 20s being depressed and doing nothing with my life so now I feel like I don't want to miss out on things.

Anyway I don't think it's too late for either of us. I've had success with sites like meetup.com for socializing with people and finding things to do in my area. I know you want a girlfriend to do things with but while you don't have one, there's no harm in going out and socializing. You might meet a nice girl as well. Good luck!

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