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Barry Blue

Crushing Depression

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God where do I even begin

I would say that a combination of ADHD as well as depression has ruined my life. I am a 32 year old adult who has been dealing with ADHD my entire life and depression since I was 16. Currently I am practically unemployed and living with my parents because I can't find a job. To sum it up, I feel like a complete and total failure and often wonder why I dont just **** myself. My high school years were probably the worst time of my life. I was put in special ed and the teachers basically passed me through learning very little. I never really fit in with anyone (even as a kid) and to this day I have very few friends. This has followed me all the way to now and has effected my ability to function on the job

I always struggled with school. When I graduated high school I drifted pretty much through life and jobs until I decided to go back to school at the age of 22. I started taking classes but accumulated a bunch of drops and Ws in addition to some mediocre grades. Because I had no passion and no direction, I accumulated over 100 credits until fast forward to a couple days ago I decided to get a Associates in general studies. I'm embarrassed at the amount of time it took to get this and I feel like a real *****. To sum it up, I suck as a student. Currently I am studying for a Phlebotomy certification and trying to get enrolled into Portland State to eventually get into the Social Work program

I was told that I had Schizoid Features which might explain why I don't relate to people very well. I dont know what else to say. If you want to know anything else just ask I guess. I am an adult who feels that life is pretty much meaningless. I feel worthless, stupid, unlovable, and have been in a deep depression for quite some time.

Oh yea, I forgot to mention that I also work at McDonalds which is pretty embarrassing, but even more so because my negativity and lack of focus has caused me to be demoted. It's embarrading enough to be working at mcdonalds at 33, but even more so when you get demoted because you're a slow learner.

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sounds like you need a different job or something. honestly

why did they let you get 100 credits when none of it even applies to a degree. i would hope they at least look at it and recognize you did the 100 credits cause that's a lot

im currently in the process of deciding whether or not I should even stay in college, because I don't want to get good grades either.

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Hi Barry Blue,

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. Please don't mentally beat your brain up over things. It won't help and your brain doesn't deserve it. I would like to say something to you which I hope will help. Please accept my apology if my words don't help.

Here goes . . . You might try to look at all the things you mentioned in your post in a new and different way. You might try to see things from the perspective of your brain. They say the human brain weighs around 3 pounds. Your brain is your best friend, your best friend in the whole world. It works 24 hours a day and 7 days a week to keep you alive and healthy. It does this even when you are asleep. The brain is amazing, but it is limited. It isn't some kind of perfect being. It isn't all-powerful or all-knowing or all-seeing. It does its best to prioritize our needs with survival at the top of the list. It makes mistakes. But it doesn't make mistakes on purpose.

From our parents or culture we can get the idea to load our brains down with a lot of "extra" duties. I spent a lot of my life trying to force my brain to make me the ideal child to my parents, the ideal student, the ideal hard worker, the ideal success, the ideal cool or popular or attractive person and a lot of other stuff. To me these "ideals" were more important than anything, more important than the health of my brain.

I imposed an artificial sense of life-or-death urgency on my brain about all kinds of things. And whenever my brain "failed" to make me the ideal person, I would sort of mentally punish it and beat it up. Then one day I realized: why? Why should I beat up my brain for all kinds of abstract stuff? My brain is my best friend. It loves me. I should love it back. I should be kind to it and gentle and compassionate and understanding. An abstract ideal is just a concept, a fantasy. My brain is real. Why should I beat up my little brain for the sake of some expectations or ideals. So I had to learn to "beat up" the ideals instead of "beating up" my brain.

I made a deal with my brain: I refuse to beat it up for ANYTHING. It is good to me. It is hard working. It doesn't deserve to be called names. If someday I am living on the street in dirty old clothes, stinking of the street, homeless, no friends . . . STILL I WILL NOT BEAT UP MY BRAIN. I will respect it and honor it and love it for doing the really important things . . . like keeping me alive. My brain loves me with no strings attached. So I will love it back the same . . . no strings attached.

Your brain is not "worthless" or "stupid" or "unlovable." If your brain is a slow learner, and I doubt that it is, but even if it is: so what?

If your brain has "schizoid" features": so what? When the world is beating up your brain, don't join in. When things seem to be falling apart and not going anywhere, your brain is still your best friend. It doesn't deserve to be abused. When people are being hard on your brain, be sweet to it. When they are looking down on it, you look up to it. When they are trying to make it feel bad, you try to make it feel good. When they are punishing it, you reward it. Those people are only around some of the time and for a limited time. Your brain is with you 24/7. Things like demotions, working in a fast food restaurant, having trouble in school . . . those things are not as important as your survival. Things change. Your brain is with you forever.

I went through a really really bad time once when it seemed everything was going wrong. I hit bottom. I wanted to beat my brain up for its "failures." Instead I saved up every penny and took my brain on a vacation to Hawaii. No kidding. You don't have to take your brain to Hawaii. You can love it in a million little ways. Try not to let "stuff" seem more important than you brain, your best friend. "Stuff" will pass.

If my advice has been unhelpful, please accept my apologies. Please accept my best wishes in place of my bad advice. You are a good person in a bad situation. I hope your situation will improve very very soon. I wish you ALL the very very best!!!

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Sky, I never said I didnt want to get good grades. I have a hard time with school because of depression and learning problems. I actually got my Associates a couple days ago. I've wanted to go to college for a long time but for whatever reason it hasn't happened yet

Edited by Barry Blue

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Hi Barry,

Sorry to hear your struggles...I can relate though. I'm almost 27 and back in the position I never wanted to be in again, unemployed and living back at home with my parents (hopefully not for much longer now!) I had a tough time at school too, I'm sure I have ADHD although never been diagnosed with it, already have enough diagnoses to deal with (depression and anxiety-related disorders). Anyway, school is in the past and best to focus on the now/future.

You are very hard on yourself (I am too). Managing to go to school at all or have any job is an achievement when you have to deal with horrible illnesses. Don't diss McDonalds, I actually have a 3rd cousin who works there and loves it. Also, it's great you are doing this course, is it something you are really interested in? If so, then maybe try and do some voluntary social work if you can as well and maybe it will lead to a full-time job in that area. But there are lots of options no matter what. I have been inspired by my friend who has Autism and she managed to do a job which she loved even though she can hardly speak to or make any eye contact with strangers.

Do you have any hobbies? If you could wish for things to be better what exactly would you wish for? Remember anything is possible, but takes one step at a time and I guess posting here is a start in the right direction.

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If it's any consultation I never ever look down on fast food workers. That jobs a pain and people suck. Sort of off topic on the depression stuff, but Call center work is really easy to get and pays well. They train you and they'll hire anybody. Most call centers have flexible shifts so you could probably find one that wouldn't affect your school hours. If you can tell me your city or region I could try and point you in the right direction. Otherwise you can just google or check indeed.com for call center job listings. It would at least get you off the food line and in a more laid back environment if that's part of whats making you feel bad.

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Honestly I really dont have hobbies other than reading, journal writing, and the occasional gaming. I volunteer at a Community Action center in town, and sometimes I volunteer and my local salvation army. What I am doing now is trying to study for my Phlebotomy certification in addition to applying for PSU to take two online classes. I actually got really p***** because I scored a 76% on one of my Phlebotomy tests, so much so that I threw my book acrossed the room.

If I could wish for something to be different, I would rewind back to about the age of 15 and start over doing what I had to figure out myself lately. Unfortunately my mother wasnt the most involved parent, or more accurately, she did so the best she knew how. I try not to think back on what I wish I could change in the past because it's a waste of time, and I'm aware that at 33 it's really lame to be blaming your parents for your problems now.

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