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mojosmama

What's The f****** Point Of It All???????

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I am so sick of being stuck in this useless body! For the first time in weeks I actually felt like seeing daylight today. I set my clock and had every intention of going to church today. I got up at about 6:30am and went to the bathroom. My foot slipped and I fell backwards onto the toilet. Wrenched my hip, bruised up my back. Can't even sit up straight now. I feel like what's the damn point??? Most days I don't even wanna stick my head out the door. When I do want to, something stupid happens like today. J*** thinks I fake it just to keep from having to leave the house. It's easy for other people to judge. My sister says S**** there's lots of times when you say you're hurtin too bad to go somewhere when you're really not. And I feel like ya know, 1st of all, how dare you judge my capabilities. And 2nd, yeah it's true. Sometimes I'm NOT hurtin that bad; but I KNOW that by the time it takes me 2-3 hours just to jump in the shower, blowdry my hair just enough to slap it up in a ponytail and throw on some ratty clothes I WILL BE!! I hate this!! Before I got hurt I was high heels and big purses. I refused to leave the house unless I was in full hair and makeup. It's like my life has been split into two parts. BEFORE I got hurt and AFTER I got hurt. I DESPISE THIS!!! I don't enjoy this! I don't like having to hide for the rest of my miserable pathetic life. People think I'm happy for the excuse to just check out of life. I'm angry! I'm damn bitter! And completely ashamed of myself for it. I have so much to be grateful for. But I'm mad!!! I'm mad that I wasn't mentally capable even before this happened. I'm mad that I had to be born into a f****d up family and wound up an emotional basketcase and now I can't even wear cute shoes anymore. I used to have at least 45 pairs of heels. Always such a shoe freak. I miss my shoes more than anything. How stupid is that??????? I have so much nerve damage that I don't even have full bladder control but what I miss is the f***ing shoes. I hate living sometimes. I feel like school is over and God forgot to pick me up. So I'm just waitin now.

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its good to go outside though i think. the reason i dont sometimes is because im lonely and would rather not go out all by myself

i went out yesterday and walked in the woods and i think it helped me realize that my brain literally is the most painful part of my body. i could feel it when i was walking through the grass in the sunlight. my head just felt like this weight i have to carry

but today

i have to do college work, and im procrastinating it by going on this forum...

by the way i really dont get the women and shoes thing...

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Oh sweety shoes are everything. Lol. I know what you mean about walking in the woods. I think if I could go out alone I'd probably do it more. I prefer being alone. When I'm with other people I always feel like I'm bein judged. I like bein by myself. But since I got hurt I can't do it like I used to. If I fall in the middle of the woods and there's no one to hear me scream, how will I know whether or not I've actually fallen at all? Hahaha!!!

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Oh sweety shoes are everything. Lol. I know what you mean about walking in the woods. I think if I could go out alone I'd probably do it more. I prefer being alone. When I'm with other people I always feel like I'm bein judged. I like bein by myself. But since I got hurt I can't do it like I used to. If I fall in the middle of the woods and there's no one to hear me scream, how will I know whether or not I've actually fallen at all? Hahaha!!!

well you dont have to go completely out in the woods. these are more like a place in the middle of my city where a lot of people walk their dogs and go jogging. so if you fell somebody would find you.

and thats why it pays to have a cell phone by the way...

i was watching the TV. and they said this pilates machine can be used if you got an injury. i guess... i dont know

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I don't like having to hide for the rest of my miserable pathetic life. People think I'm happy for the excuse to just check out of life. I'm angry! I'm damn bitter! And completely ashamed of myself for it. I have so much to be grateful for. But I'm mad!!! I'm mad that I wasn't mentally capable even before this happened. I'm mad that I had to be born into a f****d up family and wound up an emotional basketcase and now I can't even wear cute shoes anymore. I used to have at least 45 pairs of heels. Always such a shoe freak. I miss my shoes more than anything. How stupid is that??????? I have so much nerve damage that I don't even have full bladder control but what I miss is the f***ing shoes. I hate living sometimes. I feel like school is over and God forgot to pick me up. So I'm just waitin now.

Why do you have to hide?

I think you're allowed to be bitter - at least for a while. But I would be scared/afraid of that becoming my whole life. I've seen my mother let bitterness and being mad at the world become her (seeming) reason to live. Now shes in so much pain that when i ask her if shes happy she blows up at me because she thinks I'm criticizing her.

Is there anything that brings you pleasure? Do it. (as long as it doesn't focus on making others feel bad - but thats really an ethical question... :) )

I think the worst thing about depression is sometimes we know what we need to do to feel better - but we can't bring ourselves to do it. I think everyone I've ever met with depression has this happen. i'm dealing with my own thing now - and have been for a while (the same one darn thing!)

If you have something that makes you feel good do it. If you don't then start trying things until you find something. But please keep trying.

You can be mad and bitter and all the rest of it - but keep being you.

Shoes aren't just for girls. I used to have a ton of them - but then my feet grew again and now my feet are so wide that I can't wear stylish shoes. The wide shoes all seem to look like the weird brown lunchlady shoes that adam sandler sang about.

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I was injured this year too, in a car accident, I missed work and couldn't move around for a while and am just starting to get back my mobility in physical therapy.

One of the things my therapist explained to me about depression is that usually the depressed person doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't even know that there IS a light. He says however you feel, right now, you think you could very well feel like that today, tomorrow, indefinitely, for the rest of your life. I fall into this category especially and am actually kind of like a child crying because he scraped his knee and thinking the knee will always bleed and will always hurt. I see physical pain like this too, I think emotionally even though I know better logically. I will not always be hurt and immobile. I am getting better and will continue to.

Depression hurts more than the accident but is also exacerbated by it. Hell, everything can feel like the end of everything when you're depressed. Lack of shoes? Life is awful. I understand.

You're allowed to be bitter and angry. For any reason or no reason at all. Our feelings are our feelings. They will pass, but it's best to acknowledge & accept them. Which it seems like you're doing. That way we don't have to feel them forever.

xx

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Wow. Thanks. And it almost always makes it worse when you hear "there are so many people worse off than you and any one of them would love to trade places with you". I know they mean it as an encouragement and a way to lift your depression but oh my GOSH!!! Sometimes I just wanna say I DON'T CARE ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE!!! Is that not awful?! Lol. But that's what goes thru my mind. And unfortunately my physical condition won't get any better. I'm already a medical miracle. I broke my own back during a seizure and my t12 vertebrae actually shattered with enough force to embed pieces of it into my spinal cord. They told me not to pray for healing bcuz they'd seen this injury several times and it doesn't heal. They said I'd never be able to use the bathroom on my own and would have to wear diapers. Today I walk, drive, clean house, walk the dog, everything. All with no PT since I didn't have insurance. I don't wear diapers, although bathroom control is an issue bcuz I'm totally paralyzed in my pelvic area. And I have to walk with a cane and drag my right leg behind me like a dead tree branch. Lol. But the point is that I can do it. God healed me. My docs were amazed! I should be more grateful. I should be Tim McGraw-ing it and living like I was dying. But I'm not. For some reason I can't. I'm stuck in that mire of hopelessness. Why??????? My life is not hopeless when you look at it from the outside. My life is a freakin miracle! So why can't I live like it? It's been 3 1/2 years. And please know that I am not in ANY WAY trying to belittle YOUR pain. I can tell in your words that your pain is real both physical and emotional. I'm not saying mine is worse or more intense than yours. So please don't take it that way. I love that you shared that and that you actually understand the dynamic between pain and negative emotions. I just feel so guilty for being ungrateful.

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And thank you so much for understanding about the shoes!!! It PHYSICALLY hurt me to give them away. Lol. Spikes, wedges, GORGEOUS boots!!! Omg it makes me so sad just to think about it.

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Oh, I do feel like I get you. I also feel like you are really brave and strong admirably so because you have come so far and can get through this. With a serious injury like that. My injury is not so serious as that at all. My emotional pain is and always was stronger than any physical pain I've undergone (the physical pain just makes the emotional worse sometimes). You sound very independent to me.

I don't ever want to hear about people have it worse than you so be grateful! Ugh.

I remember talking to some friends about how I just cried for no reason and was so upset all the time and life sucks bla bla bla. And this one guy was like, My friend used to live in Africa and his family was killed with a machete in front of him so you should be grateful. I just... wanted to scream in his face. I actually don't even talk to him anymore partly because of comments like that.

And then my ex of all people said, No. That isn't relevant to your life. What would help is to think about other times when YOU were at your most lowest and depressed and how did you get out of it.

And that did help. He really is a stand up ex boyfriend.

My therapist also told me this: What if a man came to the hospital with a broken finger. And then a second man came in with a broken wrist. And a third came with two broken wrists. And the fourth has two broken wrists.. and a broken ankle. What about the man with a broken finger? Does his finger stop hurting because of the other men? Does he not deserve treatment for the broken finger?

That made sense too.

Either way your situation sounds incredibly difficult and I give you mad props.

I would miss the shoes too. Though I'm more of a purse chick.

xx

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Oh honey I would have to restrain myself from smacking the guy who made the Africa comment!! I've been on really bad lows before. But back then my bipolar would kick in and I just had to keep reminding myself there was a high just around the corner. Do you get the extreme highs? Omigosh those were the best!! I refused antidepressants for years bcuz I didn't want to lose the highs. But for some reason they don't come like they used to. I don't take my pain pills unless I just feel like I'm dying. In a month I may take a half 3 maybe 4 times. I think I just need to suck it up and start takin em so I'm able to do more. I can totally tell you get it. You have no idea how much you've helped. Thank you so much.

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