Jump to content

I Need To Vent.


Everlong

Recommended Posts

This is going to be rambling and I don't know where I'm going with it or even what it is I'm trying to say. Please bear with me.

My mood has been so up and down in the last few months, though more down really. The ups throw me, they make me feel that nothing is really wrong with me and that I'm making everything up or somehow exaggerating my condition. I feel isolated and lonely. I am blessed with wonderful parents, who I refuse to burden with my illness they are incredible worriers, and as they do not live close by it would serve no purpose. My husband is wonderful, though I feel I am grating on him a little lately, that the pressure is showing. I'm trying not to be too needy.

At work I have a couple of great friends that I have told about my illness. I have also told my department and line managers, both of whom could not be more supportive. I feel my work has suffered and I really needed to let them know. I have found myself leaning on my line manager quite heavily, something I am trying to stop. He has been incredibly kind, but I'm starting to view him as a friend and a close one at that, and I know that feeling isn't quite reciprocated. I think because he reminds me of my closest friend, someone who is no longer in my life, that I have connected with him in the way that I have. I should add we don't really have a very formal boss/employee relationship anyway, so it's not as odd as it sounds.

A couple of weeks ago I had an appalling day, out of the blue. Once in work I felt an overpowering need to get away and thought about visiting our roof garden. I then got a sudden thought that actually I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't throw myself off, so I went somewhere else. Out of the blue like that. It really disturbed me. It was my last day in work before a weeks holiday and when I caught up with my manager I made the mistake of telling him what had gone through my mind. Our conversation was interrupted, but I left feeling awkward.

I've had a much better week this week, until yesterday. I stayed late after work, and ended up being there for 14 hours. I made some excuse that it was to catch up on some stuff, but ultimately it was because I felt lonely and couldn't face my long journey home, my boss and one of my friends was around so I had some people to keep me company. I then ended up going to a pub myself and got home after midnight. I've spent the day in bed today. Last night in the pub and on the way home I had repeated images of cutting myself, and made plans to do it today (I SH'd during my first depressive illness 16 years ago, never since). What stopped me was that I didn't trust myself to not seriously cut my wrist. The imagery stuck with me all night.

I know my mood was affected by my expectations of my friends not meeting the reality. I don't know if I expect too much. I had hoped that last night they would have realised something was wrong and said 'come on, lets go for a drink'. No one did. If any one of them called me in the middle of the night and said they needed help I would come running. I don't feel there is a single person, other than my husband, that would do the same for me and that hurts.

Anyway, I don't really know what the point of this was. I have a GP appointment on Monday, it's just the monthly check in. I don't really know what to say to him about the imagery that has peppered my thoughts over the last few weeks. I did discuss my dosage with him last time. I've been on 20mg citalopram since February and wasn't sure if it was time to consider an increase.

Thanks for listening. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Trevor... Ignore request for update. My page didn't refresh since I was last here for some reason. It has now. I'm glad you're at least reacting to the ECT even if it's a terrible reaction so far to experience. I wonder if they've been shocking you longer or harder as the treatments have gone on? Maybe they start at a low "dose" and adjust it if you don't respond? Have you asked them? They might be trying to lessen the side effects by initially giving a minimum effective dose like they do with pharmacological treatments.

Just to recap for everyone who's not followed my posts from the start...

# I'm 31, have had primarily periods of intense vegetive depression with mostly atypical features for over 15 years... Slowly getting worse.

# There have been virtually no periods of normal moods but I do have in-day hypomania switches usually lasting an hour or three.

# I've lost count of antidepressants tried but its around 15 plus another 5 or so supplements.

# My diagnosis is unipolar depression but I now feel sure I'm bipolar 2 with ultradian cycling (manic switches within a single day)

# My biggest success by far is phenelzine (Nardil) which triggered a 7 week hypomanic episode in Feb then suddenly crashed. With l-tyrosine augmentation I revived the effect slightly so I could have daily manic switches and function great at work and socially but am totally vegetative at home

# Unfortunately the best I've managed is "mixed states" and even hypomanic, I'm still sad and anhedonic

# Along with the above I've had general and social anxiety but this has been adequately (albeit partially) managed with most meds I've tried and is at an acceptable level now with phenelzine

# the NHS are treating me for bipolar 2 although they're not yet convinced I have it. I added lamotrigine on Thursday.

# Current meds; phenelzine 60mg, l-tyrosine 0 to 1000mg (carefully varied daily due to potential interactions), 2700mg triple strength omega 3 fish oil delivering over 1000mg EPA, 25mg lamotrigine, high dose vitamin B complex every few days, 3mg melatonin most nights for sleep, doxylamine succinate and zopiclone when required for sleep

# Topiramate isn't available on NHS for bipolar so I bought a box and its ready to be picked up today. I'm hoping I can tolerate it and it'll wipe my weight out, especially as this dose of phenelzine makes me eat more

People might not believe this, and I certainly didn't expect it, but the lamotrigine is doing something already. Side effects are falling asleep at work, cognitive impairment (word finding) and nausea. I had 3 hours sleep Wednesday night and reckon the cognitive impairment may improve if I catch some up although I've just awoken after 3 hours sleep to write this. Already, I have absolutely no anxiety whatsoever. I can't ever remember not having an underlying feeling of panic like a devil on my shoulder.

The reason for this post so soon after the last is that I had a breakthrough last night. I was lying in bed on iPad preparing to sleep and in the space of a few minutes my anhedonia completely lifted for about 40 minutes. I don't recall ever feeling like that before, ever. I've had plenty of recreational drugs in the past, and hundreds of hypomanic episodes but this was a feeling of normal mood. It was better than phenelzine or anything else has given me, and wasn't the least bit high or low... Just right, but complete instead of just right and mixed states with anhedonia hanging over it all.

I wish I could articulate the feeling, and I don't think I can without sounding high, which I really wasn't. It was like standing in the middle of an empty universe, surrounded by a warm glowing sensation that filled the infinitely large space around me. It was like bathing in moderate but perfectly balanced positivity and I felt like I could read, listen to music, and started feeling motivated and able to deal with things floating in my head like emptying the washing machine, clearing out the garage, opening letters (I have 4 years of unopened post at home). It was just wonderful to feel like that and I fell asleep without hiding my head under the covers... Ive struggled to sleep without hiding under there since being 3 or 4 years old out of anxiety/light sensitivity/ fear of being stabbed (crazy I know).

It came on suddenly but thinking about it now, I went shopping for limes after work yesterday and made a sailor jerry, lime and ginger alcohol. To drink while watching TV. I almost never drink alcohol on my own... I just don't derive pleasure from relaxing with a drink yet I did it without thinking yesterday.

So, day 2 and lamotrigine is doing something even at 25mg. I can *just* tolerate the side effects. I'm going to add topiramate today 25mg x 2 although I won't be able to attribute any more mood effects to either drug specifically. I've had dramatic and fast responses to drugs before that have quickly pooped out just as suddenly but that I now believe was a hypomanic switch. I'm not assuming lamotrigine won't poop out too, but this is definitely different to every other drug I've had.

My 40 mins normal mood was cut short by an absolute need to sleep and I feel so so now at 6:15am. I doubt plasma levels are consistent after 2 days.

Normally I'm gutted when a response from a drug ends but this time I don't seem to mind... It's reminded what I'm missing and has proven that my brain is physiologically capable of feeling it whereas the last couple of years I've come to terms with the idea that I'll never be quite right mentally. Maybe, just maybe, I will...

Edited by Pw1981
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Rant away, Everlong :) Sometimes it just helps to be able to tell people about our feelings, days and whatever else is troubling us. I don't quite know if there has to be an overriding point to posts here (yes, assassinate me now) but I would think that the point in this case would certainly have been to be heard.

First, I'm glad you appear to have a support network available to you. At the very least, everybody needs that, depressed or not. However, I wouldn't despair too much about your friends not meeting your expectations. People rarely do. And god forbid they should display the empathy to get closer to rather than further from you. It's what people do when they don't understand or don't know what to say and, in my experience, usually has much more to do with them than you so I wouldn't trouble yourself too much about it.

I'm sure you're no burden to your husband or your friends. But, it sounds like you have a kind heart, and the kind hearted often do worry about the people who support them. If you feel as though you're putting too much pressure on those closest to you, be assured of two things:

1. There's nothing worse than everything building to a head, something happening and then not knowing why. Do keep your close ones informed even if you can't release all you need to sometimes.

2. If you find yourself feeling a little 'extra' blue and the need to hide it comes into your head, then why not come right back on here. It can't hurt and it will probably make you feel a little less boxed in.

Hope you feel better soon and well done for having the courage to be honest and open about your condition. Not many people, self included on many occasions, do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is going to be rambling and I don't know where I'm going with it or even what it is I'm trying to say. Please bear with me.

My mood has been so up and down in the last few months, though more down really. The ups throw me, they make me feel that nothing is really wrong with me and that I'm making everything up or somehow exaggerating my condition. I feel isolated and lonely. I am blessed with wonderful parents, who I refuse to burden with my illness they are incredible worriers, and as they do not live close by it would serve no purpose. My husband is wonderful, though I feel I am grating on him a little lately, that the pressure is showing. I'm trying not to be too needy.

At work I have a couple of great friends that I have told about my illness. I have also told my department and line managers, both of whom could not be more supportive. I feel my work has suffered and I really needed to let them know. I have found myself leaning on my line manager quite heavily, something I am trying to stop. He has been incredibly kind, but I'm starting to view him as a friend and a close one at that, and I know that feeling isn't quite reciprocated. I think because he reminds me of my closest friend, someone who is no longer in my life, that I have connected with him in the way that I have. I should add we don't really have a very formal boss/employee relationship anyway, so it's not as odd as it sounds.

A couple of weeks ago I had an appalling day, out of the blue. Once in work I felt an overpowering need to get away and thought about visiting our roof garden. I then got a sudden thought that actually I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't throw myself off, so I went somewhere else. Out of the blue like that. It really disturbed me. It was my last day in work before a weeks holiday and when I caught up with my manager I made the mistake of telling him what had gone through my mind. Our conversation was interrupted, but I left feeling awkward.

I've had a much better week this week, until yesterday. I stayed late after work, and ended up being there for 14 hours. I made some excuse that it was to catch up on some stuff, but ultimately it was because I felt lonely and couldn't face my long journey home, my boss and one of my friends was around so I had some people to keep me company. I then ended up going to a pub myself and got home after midnight. I've spent the day in bed today. Last night in the pub and on the way home I had repeated images of cutting myself, and made plans to do it today (I SH'd during my first depressive illness 16 years ago, never since). What stopped me was that I didn't trust myself to not seriously cut my wrist. The imagery stuck with me all night.

I know my mood was affected by my expectations of my friends not meeting the reality. I don't know if I expect too much. I had hoped that last night they would have realised something was wrong and said 'come on, lets go for a drink'. No one did. If any one of them called me in the middle of the night and said they needed help I would come running. I don't feel there is a single person, other than my husband, that would do the same for me and that hurts.

Anyway, I don't really know what the point of this was. I have a GP appointment on Monday, it's just the monthly check in. I don't really know what to say to him about the imagery that has peppered my thoughts over the last few weeks. I did discuss my dosage with him last time. I've been on 20mg citalopram since February and wasn't sure if it was time to consider an increase.

Thanks for listening. :)

Hi, I found your post really interesting. I think it is great that you can hold down a job whilst suffering with depression and full marks to you for that. I think you are REALLY blessed to be surronded by such supportive family and friends. You have so much in your life to be grateful for.

Blessings,

Mike Anthony.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

WyldeWriter - thank you for responding and for your kind words. I don't feel very kind hearted to be honest, though I'm probably not as black hearted as I sometimes imagine I am. I hope the misanthropy and rage and hate I often feel is down to the depression and is not really 'me'. I know I shouldn't have expectations of friends, especially when they're newer friends, not people I've know for years and years. Maybe in my head I'm just waiting for someone to come along and fix me.

I'm sure you're no burden to your husband or your friends. But, it sounds like you have a kind heart, and the kind hearted often do worry about the people who support them. If you feel as though you're putting too much pressure on those closest to you, be assured of two things:

1. There's nothing worse than everything building to a head, something happening and then not knowing why. Do keep your close ones informed even if you can't release all you need to sometimes.

2. If you find yourself feeling a little 'extra' blue and the need to hide it comes into your head, then why not come right back on here. It can't hurt and it will probably make you feel a little less boxed in.

Hope you feel better soon and well done for having the courage to be honest and open about your condition. Not many people, self included on many occasions, do.

Those are good points... Perhaps subconsciously that's why I've been more open than I've ever been before. I realised after I read your response that I didn't want to post on the board about my problems too much for the same reasons I didn't want to talk about it too much with people in real life - being a burden. I can pinpoint exactly where this came from - when I was first very ill, about 16 years ago, I was at Uni and leant heavily on a few friends there. Needless to say they didn't remain friends for long! And in retrospect why should they? They had their own lives, their own pressure and their own problems to deal with. My little logical bit of brain knows this and sees it as entirely reasonable. The other 99% of me is screaming 'PLEASE BE WITH ME ALL THE TIME!' Lol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, I found your post really interesting. I think it is great that you can hold down a job whilst suffering with depression and full marks to you for that. I think you are REALLY blessed to be surronded by such supportive family and friends. You have so much in your life to be grateful for.

Blessings,

Mike Anthony.

Thanks for your reply. :)

I'm in a very fortunate position with my job. I used to be shop floor based and am currently in an office. If I were still on the shopfloor I would not have been able to carry on. As it is I spend a lot of time at my desk doodling, or wandering around to other parts of the building. My concentration is non existent, though somedays I can get a good couple of hours of work done as if nothing is wrong. This is why it was so important I tell my boss. I made it clear that I didn't want other managers or staff to know, so I'm still putting an act on all day long, something that is very exhausting! I've only had a couple of sick days in the last few months, though I have asked for last minute holidays when I've felt it all getting too much for me. Having said all that, I was given the option of being signed off work but I truly felt that having a reason to get up in the morning was a better option for me. It's been so hard, impossible some days, but lying in my bed at home is not the answer (for me).

I know how blessed I am, which only helps to exacerbate my feelings of self loathing. I read such incredibly sad stories here of people who truly have no support, whose own parents will not help them, or worse still are the cause of their illness. I cannot imagine being in such a situation, and those people are so much stronger than I ever will be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do agree that avoiding work is far more exhausting than actually working.

Though your boss strikes me as being very understanding, I believe he/she is doing you a diservice. Were he/she to set you a number of simple, non pressure tasks throughtout the day this would in my opinion benefit you greatly and aid your recovery.

Compairing yourself in a negative light to other posters on this forum is defeating the purpose of you being here. Read only posts which you find uplifting and make you laugh. (There are many of them here) this too will benefit you greatly.

You are choosing to self-loathe as this has become a habit. However, it's a habit that you can break with a little work on your part.

Blessings and healing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for your reply enlightened life. :)

To be frank I despise myself. I'm having a great day today, my mood is good but yet I know I still hate myself, it's just there. I'm over eating and spending too much money, eating very badly in fact, and I know this is a form of self punishment. I have to get a grip on it, but it's just so hard right now, especially as the citalopram has definitely made me crave awful foods.

I have issues with friendship and rejection, it's a huge trigger for me. Because I felt so good today I asked a couple of people to come for a drink next week. No go from everyone, and one hasn't even replied. And while my rational brain says there are probably good reasons what I actually believe is that it's me, they don't want to hang out with me. It just makes me not want to bother again, and then down I sink... :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi everlong,

irrational thinking is a sign of depression. I find organising drinks, dinner, events so hard these days because everyone has fluidic plans so even if they promise to come to your party, people cancel at the last minute all the time. it's not a reflection on who you are, just remember that!

in terms of bad diet, sometimes you know you should do something but you just can't seem to do it. eating well, for me, definitely helps with alleviating depression and so does avoiding alcohol. can you set yourself mini goals each day? Say, promise to eat a healthy lunch, get through the day and reward yourself with a donut for afternoon tea? I find playing these games with my mind works for me. at least until I totally lose it and just sink into a hole and stop caring.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Moocat. :)

I like that idea. I'm starting to try and think small to give myself something positive to look back on each day. I haven't been very good with it, I need to knuckle down. I really feel like not bothering with people anymore. I know I'm a burden on the few friends I have but it's the very same people telling me to get out and enjoy myself who then don't want to spend time with me. I think I would be happier away from people, no one to be let down by. :-/

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Making a snap diganosis such as "irrational thinking is a sign of depression" is in my opinion unhelpful and can cause more harm than good (No disrespect intended), Everlong, this is, in my opinion the best advice I can offer you. Go onto YouTube and watch the documentary FOODMATTERS. And also watch videos by Joan Mathews Larson PhD. These are truly eye-opening

Blessings.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...