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I Am Apparently Not Worthy Of Love.


kiki48

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I'm 21, and grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive household.

I've also never had a boyfriend before, been kissed, etc.. The only meaningful relationship I've ever had was with my grandmother.

Today, as my last friend finally fell in love, I just broke down. I've been crying for hours. I want to know why the universe feels that I do not deserve love. Why I do not deserve a normal life with healthy relationships and experiences.

I've tried it all. "Focusing" on myself. I go to the gym, I have lots of activities that I do. Up until recently, I went out a lot (I'm at college), and still nothing.

People are starting to make fun of me. My parents call me a lesbian (nothing wrong with that, it's just that I'm not one), my friends are constantly asking "Sooo, any guys?". My friend and I got into a fight once, and her go-to insult was "You're just angry, because you're going to be forever alone."

I feel bullied, I feel ostracized, I feel like as far as I thought I'd come, I'm still the odd one out, the crazy one, the one that will never be normal. Even my gynecologist judges me. When I go to get exams, she asks me like three times. "You never done ANYTHING sexual?"

I don't know what to do anymore. I have started to accept that I will have very few meaningful relationships in my life. I don't have anymore hope to give. For 21 years, I have hoped. I have given everything that I have.

I just want to be normal.

I already have so much heavy emotional stuff to deal with, I had hoped this wouldn't be one of them. I give up. I'm sorry.

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((((kiki48))))

I wish I could give you a big hug. I hope I don't sound too condescending here, but please never ever think you're not worthy of love! All of us deserve to be loved. At the age of 21, when most of your friends are dating, it can be excruciating if you don't seem to find anyone to date, not to mention starting a relationship.

That being said, the comments from your parents and your friends sound really rude. Being single isn't something to be made fun of, as it can be very painful to many and besides we are made of exactly the same flesh and bone as them. That means, we are absolutely equal to them, not some inferior mascots to be laughed at. I'm 27 and single, haven't had that much experience in dating either and have heard these thoughtless comments too many times. I understand it can really wear you down and gnaw at your self-esteem.

Have you tried to talk about this with your friends? If you feel talking about this is too difficult, perhaps you could try to write a letter or an e-mail to them instead. Sometimes young women are primarily interested in dating and guys, and their world revolves solely around them. Personally I'm not into that kind of talk, as there are so many other interesting topics to discuss. That being said, they don't have the right to insult you that way.

Do you have a students' counselor in your college? If you feel this issue is bothering you, perhaps you could try to talk to him/her. Students' counselors are usually familiar with situations like yours and are trained to deal with them.

Please do not give up. If you feel you have no-one else to share your thoughts with, talk to us any time. Remember, we are here for you and we are not gonna judge or ridicule you. Take good care of yourself! :hugs:

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A couple of observations:

1. Who says you don't deserve love? The world has 7 billion people, and not everyone is meant for you, but more than likely at least one male is. Sometimes it just takes a while for him to find you. Is there anyone you have your eye on, or are you just speaking in generalities and would give any male that was interested in you a chance?

2. Focusing on yourself is an excellent idea. Sometimes it might seem like it's all for naught, since you have no one to share your personal improvements with, but the thing is, once that right person does come along, you will be very prepared to impress him with the personal fulfillment you've achieved through your improvements. In other words, you increase your chances of making that right person fall for you. I've been working on focusing on myself as well, because I'm in a similar situation as you, and I must say that it's a useful tool.

3. Regarding your gynecologist, don't take that too personally. The fact that she asks three times doesn't mean she's judging you. It could also mean she's genuinely surprised, because in this day and age, people our age and even much younger have become more open about the things they do in the bedroom (or other places). Society nowadays has a very casual attitude about sex. Whether that's a good thing or not is a different discussion altogether, but the point is that when someone hears of a 21-year-old with zero sexual experience, that is now considered unusual. It has nothing to do with you in particular, other than the fact that you're 21.

It's far too soon to give up. At only 21, you likely have a whole life ahead of you. Assuming you are among the 'average' person, your life expectancy is another 60+ years. Are you seriously going to not consider a relationship with someone if things fall into place just because you 'gave up' at age 21?

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Yeah I'm 22 and feeling the same way too. Never dated or been in a relationship. What you need to acknowledge is that when you grow in an abusive family, you will have problems trusting people and letting them close. This happens automatically and you don't change that on a conscious level.

This is very generally speaking. I won't pretend I could understand how deep the abuse has hurt you or affected you. The experience in itself can be so painful to a child that it can take a lifetime to fix it. I would focus on understanding yourself and understanding that the traumatic past you bear inside is still affecting you to this day. You're probably thinking you're not normal that you haven't been dating, and even feel heaps of guilt about that.

You need to understand that maybe it wasn't possible to date or have a relationship before. Your feelings will tell you this when you examine them closely. There is nothing wrong with you and you are perfect just the way you are. Don't let the criticism get under your skin because that can be abusive too and you don't deserve any more of that. Remember that being abused is never your own fault. It does cause feelings of guilt in victims of abuse but it is always wrong.

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Family and friends can be cruel without giving it a thought. Due to things that had happened to me I wouldn't let anybody emotionally let alone get close to them. There is nothing wrong with you and I know this is easier said than done but try not to let them get to you.

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Hi Kiki,

I'm sorry you are feeling such pain, as I have felt things like this before and I know how unbearable it can be. Having been through relationships, both good and bad, I can tell you that these things do not truly make us happy. It all comes back to you. How do you view yourself? You should be focusing solely on that, not someone else's subjective opinion of your value as a person. You are as valuable as you think you are.

If a person is depressed and hates herself, how can she possibly be healed by a temporary, uncertain, uncontrolled attainment? You have one relationship that can never be taken from you, one relationship that you have full control over, and that is the relationship you have with your self. When you stop to think about how things really are, you can see that things like love are just random events. Not everything you do will impress everyone, but one thing you might do without even noticing could spark someone to fall in love with you. The important thing is to stay consistent by being who you are, by being who YOU want to be. That is how people fall deeply in love with you.

I have spent the past year and a few months with no meaningful relationships whatsoever. I hated myself in many ways, even in relationships throughout my life, expecting that being loved would change things. I had to accept the way life is, I had to accept the way I am and love myself simply because I am me. When I was able to do this, I realized how intrinsically beautiful life is. How absolutely amazing it is just to watch the clouds in the sky.

This is when I realized that nothing you get, no object or person or gift will ever make you happy inside. To be happy you must find it in yourself. You say you are focusing on yourself by going to the gym and going out, but yet here you are without peace. Peace comes from acceptance, not from obtaining desires. When you love yourself, you will not need to attach yourself to the subjective view of others. Your life does not depend on their approval.

In Short: You must accept yourself first, and not depend on getting things to be happy. They will not keep you happy. I have lived the life of being loved and in "all you could ask for" relationships, only to be alone again and faced with self hatred. I had to let go of these desires and find acceptance for myself, and the way life is in order to form the greatest happiness I have ever felt. Nothing can take this away from me because it IS me. The best thing you can do is to live in this moment, and give it your attention, your compassion, your acceptance. Do not attach your self to the subjective and often ignorant views of others. You are the only one who will fully know you, the only one who can fully accept you.

Best of luck to you, and may you find peace.

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*hugs* I don't see why your family is putting you down like that. And it's not right for your friends to make fun of you like that. I'm not into dating much and haven't been in much relationships. I'm 28 and been single for a few years now so don't let it get to you.

Don't feel bad about the gynecologist thing. When I was 22 or 23 in college and had to go to the campus doctor I got the same questioning because I was still a virgin and they didn't believe me. I admit, it was a bit embarrassing but you have to be honest.

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You've certainly gotten a lot of great advice so far. I want to throw my two cents onto the pile. I'm 22, and I still fantasize about holding hands and getting hugs. Not even about getting laid like a lot of men my age. I grew up in an emotionally abusive household, and I have trouble trusting others and letting them in too. As much as I desperately want a girlfriend and a companion, I know those things aren't necessarily what I need right now. Getting dumped would absolutely crush me right now, and so it would be foolish to go out of my way and try to put my broken heart out there right now. Of course if an opportunity presents itself, I'm going to take it and run, but I'm not going to just walk up to every girl I see and holler at them. It actually gives me some comfort that there are girls out there who are relationship virgins as well because some of my most deep-seated fears about them (other than complete and total inadequacy and rejection) are that my inexperience is going to in some way doom any relationship I manage to get into or prevent me from getting into relationships. I'm worried that they're going to look at me as some sort of weird entity and pity me. In all likeliness these things are probably true, and I will get rejected more times in the future. But if I can build myself up to withstand that rejection, I'll be much better off. Good luck.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Yeah I'm 22 and feeling the same way too. Never dated or been in a relationship. What you need to acknowledge is that when you grow in an abusive family, you will have problems trusting people and letting them close. This happens automatically and you don't change that on a conscious level.

This is very generally speaking. I won't pretend I could understand how deep the abuse has hurt you or affected you. The experience in itself can be so painful to a child that it can take a lifetime to fix it. I would focus on understanding yourself and understanding that the traumatic past you bear inside is still affecting you to this day. You're probably thinking you're not normal that you haven't been dating, and even feel heaps of guilt about that.

You need to understand that maybe it wasn't possible to date or have a relationship before. Your feelings will tell you this when you examine them closely. There is nothing wrong with you and you are perfect just the way you are. Don't let the criticism get under your skin because that can be abusive too and you don't deserve any more of that. Remember that being abused is never your own fault. It does cause feelings of guilt in victims of abuse but it is always wrong.

Was feeling down, so I came back to read this.

Thanks for this, it does make a lot of sense. I do feel that I have a lot of intense guilt and shame for not being a "normal" person (having dated, grown up with a lot of friends), and I find it difficult to reconcile this whole "You've got the whole world in your hands" mentality that a lot of people my age have. I mean, being 21 and an adult, I am freer than I ever been in the past, so it's not exactly like I'm longing to go back there. It's like...I'm longing to go back to a different past.

Do you, or does anyone else have any suggestions on how to deal with this guilt and shame? I go through cycles sometimes where I find it very difficult to accept where I am in life, even though I know, objectively speaking, I have worked very hard and overcome some serious obstacles and that is something I should be proud of.

Edited by kiki48
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Yeah I'm 22 and feeling the same way too. Never dated or been in a relationship. What you need to acknowledge is that when you grow in an abusive family, you will have problems trusting people and letting them close. This happens automatically and you don't change that on a conscious level.

This is very generally speaking. I won't pretend I could understand how deep the abuse has hurt you or affected you. The experience in itself can be so painful to a child that it can take a lifetime to fix it. I would focus on understanding yourself and understanding that the traumatic past you bear inside is still affecting you to this day. You're probably thinking you're not normal that you haven't been dating, and even feel heaps of guilt about that.

You need to understand that maybe it wasn't possible to date or have a relationship before. Your feelings will tell you this when you examine them closely. There is nothing wrong with you and you are perfect just the way you are. Don't let the criticism get under your skin because that can be abusive too and you don't deserve any more of that. Remember that being abused is never your own fault. It does cause feelings of guilt in victims of abuse but it is always wrong.

Was feeling down, so I came back to read this.

Thanks for this, it does make a lot of sense. I do feel that I have a lot of intense guilt and shame for not being a "normal" person (having dated, grown up with a lot of friends), and I find it difficult to reconcile this whole "You've got the whole world in your hands" mentality that a lot of people my age have. I mean, being 21 and an adult, I am freer than I ever been in the past, so it's not exactly like I'm longing to go back there. It's like...I'm longing to go back to a different past.

Do you, or does anyone else have any suggestions on how to deal with this guilt and shame? I go through cycles sometimes where I find it very difficult to accept where I am in life, even though I know, objectively speaking, I have worked very hard and overcome some serious obstacles and that is something I should be proud of.

Hey kiki :) I'm so glad you got back to us, thanks for that!

I can relate to so much in your post, as I feel almost identical. I could argue that you have had an awesome life given your circumstances, which are different from others who have a different kind of family background. What we often forget is our emotional world and how it affects us. When you have experiences from abuse from early on, it leaves marks and it makes you feel very afraid to approach people. It's easy to say from an observer's perspective that it's just as easy as approaching more people or getting more experience or whatever. But still your emotions tell you different. You might feel threatened when you're around people so you don't approach them. Maybe you're avoiding people and dislike having people near to you, because it makes you feel so vulnerable.

This doesn't happen on a conscious level.. People who always had good relationships and never once were abused or treated wrong, will have the opposite mindset in the first place. They feel it's OK and safe to approach others, and they can guarantee that these people will accept them as they are. They don't avoid social situations and they don't feel so afraid in the first place. What you need is someone who can understand you and how you truly feel and not judge you for it. When you grow up with people who judge you, you begin to do the same thing or start to think that your feelings don't matter. But they do and you deserve to be heard as you are.

I hope this helps, I admit this is kind of a scattered post but I hope you understood it.

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I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through a difficult and traumatizing experience in growing up in abusive household. I am a 22 year old who never has a girlfriend myself and I know that it can feel really lonely when you look around you and see that people are in love and being loved in return. But it is not true that you do not deserve to be loved because everyone deserve some love especially you. I know that it must hurt when people are not being sensitive towards your plight but you must learn to ignore them and have compassion for yourself it's rare for people to show compassion nowadays. I hope that you will find love one day. I do not know who you are, I do not know how you look like. But I am sitting here typing in my keyboard wishing that I can give you a hug and tell you that I care about you and you deserve to be loved.

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I am 20 and have also grown up in a abusive place but the only difference with me is I have never had any real friends at all. There was some neighborhood kids that came over somewhat often when I was younger but they usually just took advantage of how nice I was to get things from me and over time they faded away. I don't think I will ever have a boyfriend and I definitely do want one. It would help me a lot to have someone around to do things with and love but I don't know where to look. Don't tell me to love myself beforehand either because I do, in fact my meditation sessions have worked wonders for me I have out more about myself and my life than I thought I ever would. I found myself and that inner peace, now I want connection to another human being. I can't do much on my own and outside of doing things with some family on weekends. I go to some shows on my own somewhat often as I'm into a ton of music but mostly like to see metal/hardcore shows because there's much aggression I need to release and I don't think there's any love to found in a place like that, and even if I go to some electronic music parties no one interacts with me anyways even though I still have my fun. That's all I'm limited to and so I don't know what to do, can't talk to anyone about it because my father likes to deny everything about me he doesn't like and no one even seems to care otherwise.

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best things are those that you have to wait for :) dont worry about it, actually, to be honest, Ive thought about it, and dont feel bad about havent done anything sexual, its completly normal, im almost 26 and I am on same situations, but for me its nothing to worry about.

People might bully at u, for me its the same, my boss sometimes asks me if i am gay because he hasnt' seen me with any girl , I dont care about that kind of people, you should do the same.

The fact that you grew up in a abusive place may have crushed your self confidence, think different, that you worth more than other people because you have to have handled many bad situations, many bad things, bullies, dumb people and more, and you are still here.

Dont let others to tell you what to do or what to feel , think that you can handle with all that, and you will :) just trust more about yourself, at that age might be hard to, but you will see with the time, everything gets better.

I wish u the best, send u a big hug :)

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Your friends in love at the age of 21 in a university, haha, come on.

They are little girls out having fun with little boys, a lot of those relationships won't last past university. It says a lot that the uni gynecologists / doctors find it disbelieving that a girl can be a virgin at that age....are all those non-virgins coming to them going to marry for life and stay in love with their then boyfriends? No? Then I wouldn't be in a hurry to call it love. Lust, sure.

There's a certain mentality when it comes to sex and relationsihps in certain countries. That mentality puts a lot of pressure on vulnerable young people, especially girls, to go out and make mistakes. Don't do that. You deserve better.

As someone mentioned, more than 7 billion people out there. There are those with a certain mentality that won't hurt you (especially seeing the childhood troubles you had), that you can trust better, hopefully for life than what you get in a hormone fuelled uni campus. If you have the opportunity, travel the world, see how different cultures approach the issue of uniting two people. I'll guarantee you that you'll find a way that suits you better.

Meanwhile, don't ever sell yourself short, no guy who uses you is going to suddenly morph into a man you could trust with your life.

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