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Excited To Go Out With Friends, Then When The Time Comes To Actually Go Out, I Get Depressed And End Up Not Going


Speranta

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Normally I wouldn't write such a long topic title, but I couldn't figure out a shorter way to describe it. I've been experiencing a lot of this over the past several months, and I don't know how to shake it. Friends will invite me out and I get very excited to be there and envision all of these fun times in my head, but then when the time comes to actually get ready and go, I find myself getting more and more depressed and eventually it is hours past the start time and I text my friends with some excuse why I couldn't make it.

This has caused me to develop even more anxiety that my friends actually hate me and don't want to be around me. At this point, I am so paranoid about everything they say or do that I find they're better off not having me there anyway. I know I've been getting less and less invitations to do things because of this behavior, which of course repeats and reinforces this whole cycle in my head. I can look at and analyze it rationally, but when I'm in the moment, I lose all of that and feel so utterly alone and misunderstood -- which only serves to make me feel like even more of a loser.

I don't know how to break this. Just earlier today, I was excited to go celebrate at a friend's birthday party. An acquaintance who I have felt has been especially cold toward me is also going to be there, so I texted one of my good friends asking how he was getting there and offering a ride because I wanted to have some support when I got there to help me through the night. He said he was fine and could just take the bus. All of a sudden, I just broke down and my excitement turned into complete depression and self-loathing. I didn't explain this to him because I fear he'll just think I'm absolutely crazy, which honestly I feel I am sometimes. Now it's hours past the start time and I'm about to send my birthday friend a message telling him I'm sick and can't make it.

Does anyone else experience this? Have you found anything useful to break it? I miss being around my friends and feeling like I could trust them with anything, but lately I feel like I'm questioning the loyalty of all of them...

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Speranta I understand a little of what you are saying. I VERY often have plans that sound amazing at the time they were made but when the time actually comes, I often do not want to go. I think it just feels like I will be expending more energy than I really have. Seeing as how I am in charge of said events most of the time...I cant get out of them! LOL (not funny I realize really) I generally drudge through getting ready for them, but know in my mind that I usually have a good time once I make myself do it and go ahead and go. As far as friends not inviting you to go as often, that might only be human nature. *They* may be thinking you no longer like them as much and dont want to be there since you have canceled pretty often. Does that make sense?

What would happened if you just forced yourself to go through with one of these events? Do you think you would have a good time, despite yourself? I generally do, although I try to be very careful what I commit to in the first place....especially on the weekends. I have spend so much energy just coping during the work week, that it often takes some "hiding from the world" on the weekends to be able to make it come Monday.

Edited by lp44
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Thanks for the responses, lp44 and AngryDad. My big fear with just forcing myself to go out is that some of the times when I have done this, I have ended up feeling even more depressed because I'm hyperalert to body language and tone. For instance, someone might say something cold or do something that I would normally just brush off and it crushes me. I think sometimes I am misinterpreting because I am in such a vulnerable place right now, but it's hard to overcome that in the moment. I don't want to end up getting all emotional while friends are out trying to enjoy themselves, so I just retreat further into my isolation.

Totally understand hiding from the world on the weekends. I work 9 AM to 5 PM Monday through Friday, so sometimes I come home on Friday and feel so exhausted from the week that I don't want to see anyone at all. That probably contributes to the problem.

Edited by Speranta
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I too am exactly the same way, only I don't get depressed but I get so anxious I sometimes feel physically ill. All my friends used to tease me and call me a social butterfly now I have no desire to go out at all, cause I am sure I will run into people I haven't seen in a long time and they will say how fat and ugly I am now. It is such a stupid way to think but it totally consumes me, what is weird is that I have no problem going out in public, going to work, etc, its just when it comes to seeing people I "used" to know that I haven't seen in a long time that I get anxious.

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This happens to me a lot. I skipped out on a friend's birthday party last night. In my head, it was really fun and I'd meet new people. But in the end I ended up not going because I wouldn't know anyone save for my friend (we're in really different social circles). My social anxiety won out. I do find that when I make myself go regardless, I do tend to have a lot of fun and get mad at myself for almost not going because I would've missed out on the fun.

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I don't have any friends in my area since I just recently moved but whenever I'm about to go somewhere I tend to get too tired to go. I always plan on going out and doing things but I never end up doing it. I think staying home too much just contributes to my depression.

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It's so good to hear others feel this way and do this too.

I do it......for the same reasons everyone said above......but, when i know it's something I really need to do or go to, then I tell myself I have to do it and I make myself go, even if I'm miserable after I go. This is not easy, and sometimes this doesn't work, but a lot of the time it does work.

Because if I don't go I could lose my job, or I won't be there to help my parents when they need me, or I won't help others whom I want to help with volunteering my time. Also, I tell myself I've come too far in my depression and anxiety work to fall back and have to start all over again.

Actually, I could do this everyday regarding not going to work if I let myself.....but I tell myself I cannot go there, because if I do, then I'll keep doing it and I will lose all that I have worked hard to get after 32 years of depression.

And btw many, many, many times I am ok and glad I went....it makes me feel good that I can go to such things and survive.....that I can do it.

Thanks for listening,

Peony

Edited by Peony
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I do the same exact thing. Sometimes it's something I'm looking forward to, and sometimes it's something I should or have to do. Doesn't matter, I have to force myself through every single solitary step of my day. I'm dysfunctional at this point. You're not alone. Trust me. I wish I could say something hopeful, but I just switched meds because the last one (citalopram) took away every ounce of motivation away.. for anything. 7 days on the new stuff (Cymbalta), so I'm still in that rut.

I'm sorry you're going through this. But you're not alone.

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  • 2 years later...

I am the same exact way.. and im still going through these constant motions daily. 

I feel that in order for you to attend these functions happily and motivated, you, yourself, have to first be happy and motivated. 

I've learned that the reason why I dont get excited about going out, or why I have made lousy excuses to cancel plans, is because I was very unhappy with myself. Whether it be appearance, finances, education/career; I'd rather lock myself in the house until my life was fixed properly. My anxiety would get real bad to the point where i would put thoughts in other peoples heads about myself.. I started to think that the public knew my struggles and faults and unhappiness. My paranoia would just grow out of control.

I missed out on some great events doing this, and have made a couple of my friends uncomfortable in the process. If you're not feeling motivated or cheerful to enjoy your own life, evaluate the issues. Starting with yourself. 

Theres a saying that goes, "if you're not happy with yourself, no one else will b either." My friends are uncomfortable because they were able to sense that i was uncomfortable as well. I figure by staying home, locked from enjoyment of life, would do a justice. But it just becomes a bigger crime. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Yep this is me too. And I mostly do it because I feel like the DUFF of my friendship groups (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). I am not the girl that men buy drinks for or write country songs about. I am so self conscious about my weight that I rather stay home in bed then dress up and use all my energy pretending I'm having a good time.

I'm also an introvert so after 45 hrs of work during the week I need time alone to recharge my batteries for the next week.

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Go anyway

Go out

Have your heart broken occasionally

Forgive them anyway

Never, ever hide

Friends and Freedom are nature's antidepressant.  Friends are your ticket to get out of your own head, stop thinking so damn much, which is what destroys we depressive types from the inside out...

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i have the opposite problem i want to go see friends or people then the longer im there the more it sucks,I feel bored,angry at everyone around me jealous.when I was in group therapy people in my group said when they forced themselfs to go out they always enjoy it,but im excited to go out and then I have the joy sucked out of me having to put with people's bs.People notice i,m irritable and get a attitude with me,just because I'm p***** off,people do so much stuff that annoys me.i really don,t care about many things so when I pretend to express an interest people can tell.I force myself to anyway because im not happy being alone either.My therapist told me I sound fake sometimes and  i tell her I have to act fake or i won,t get along with anyone.Im not happy about how i ended up in life,I had a dysfunctional family growing up im socially isolated im broke how can I do anything else but act fake.,or I would be complaining,telling people how I hate they have a better life then me.I stopped talking to my dysfunctional family so i don,t keep in contact with anyone anymor,when i did I was ignored anyway.I told my therapists its really not healthy for me and I need to figure out what the problem is soon so I can have a good life and not be fake.I feel like I don,t know myself at all and i just exist in limbo with no stable sense of identity.i have to stop myself im getting so upset just reading this stuff

 

so im gonna say its not better to force yourself if you feel irritable or upset,unless you really know the people well

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instead of subjecting yourself to a group setting, maybe pick one person and make plans with them or have them over your place to watch tv or play a game. maybe that's whats triggering your anxiety, the group setting.

ive been friendless for so long, that when I have to go places I too get excited and then anxiety hits, I feel people judge me and im afraid ill be standing alone with no one to talk to. im much better one on one

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I hear you.  Its not that I don't like a group versus 1-on-1 talking, just that the larger the group, the more likely mindless small talk, which says exactly nothing, and leaves anyone of reasonable perception lonely within the group.  1-on-1 conversation has a good shot at being real.

 

 

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