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Declining And Don't Seem To Care

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I think I have this depressive apathy. I don't know what's wrong with me of what to do about it. I don't want to ramble on so here's a list of "symptoms"/things going on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Also, I have major depressive disorder, EDNOS, and delayed sleep-phase disorder. I'm just trying to sort through my current state of mind.

-Depressed/low mood

-Social anxiety/fear of interacting with others - I even avoid my housemate and talking to family members

-General anxiety/panic about life - I get limited symptom panic attacks

-Head "cycling" - either depression about everything that could happen or panicking about everything that's happening

-Body craving only very few foods, but I can't seem to manage to ea much. my body screams for food and the minute I feel it, it's like "Nevermind, no more food ever." The current craving is chocolate chip cookie dough Pop-Tarts (which is weird as I haven't had them in years), and even those are starting to seem unappetizing to me (like every other food).

-Messed up sleep: up all night/sleeping all day or sleeping at night (bed between sometime before midnight to 2am) and waking up too early, not being able to fall back asleep. (Last night I was so tired I went to bed around 10pm and woke up at 9am or so, still completely tired but unable to fall back asleep).

-Chronic headaches - not sharp pains usually, just general headaches

-Body aches, especially my back (from sleeping?)

-Chest hurting/pain (due to food?)

-Inability to focus/think straight

-Apathy/carelessness

-Lethargy

-Fleeting suicidal thoughts - not often, but I don't seem to care what happens though (i.e. crossing a seemingly empty street, not caring if a car comes out of nowhere).

-Lack of interest in all things

-I have a scale - I check my weight far too often (ten times or so a day) - due to my eating disorder/obsessive-compulsiveness

-The thought that sleeping for extended periods of time seems much more pleasant than life right now

-Overly critical of myself/constantly judging myself/extreme self-hatred/mad at myself

-Fear of any lack of plans - I need logistics or I get major anxiety (due to my learning disorder)

-Thinking to much about all of this and/or my past/how I got this way makes me want to cry. I almost do but I feel like my body can't cry, like my body won't do so

-Putting on a mask/front for everything to think I'm "normal" and happy (I don't know what happy even feels like)

-On/off self-harm - sometimes it'll happen for days in a row, others it'll be every once in a while

-Compulsive skin picking (I have a new low: picking my self-harm scars in a public place where children and families hang out. I don't think anyone saw me though)

-Quiet - not talking much unless thinking out loud to myself

-Extremely indecisive

-I'm just tired of it all

-Feel like a burden in others lives

-I doubt others take me seriously - they think I'm fine, probably just "lazy"

-Some purging - intentionally

-I fear eating binge/purge-able foods, so I usually eat my craving/what I can handle or healthy foods that I have to force myself to eat (due to my eating disorder)

-On a scale of 1-10, I think I am a 2 or 2.5

-I've been living in Boston for three months without a job. I've been in my new apartment for two months and have not even looked for one. It's not that I can't find one, I just have been so depressed and have not looked for one. I get anxious and panic over all of the things that could go wrong or how I probably won't get hired for some reason or another

-I can function though - like being able to go to the bathroom, make food, or go to the store. My hygiene is poor though. I've also gotten out of my apartment these past few days to downtown/different parks and such, trying to use what little energy I have while it's here. I've interacted a few times for that same reason. I know that I'll hide in my apartment for days on end soon enough, so I am trying to get out while I can (except today as the city is on lockdown. The current news here in Boston is not a cause to any of this). I do feel so fake because of this part though, that I shouldn't be depressed or anything because I can seemingly function and I think being able to function makes others think I am fine

-I know this will eventually **** me if I don't fix it. I am not 100% recovery driven, which is a problem. But part of me, despite knowing the consequences of my illnesses, doesn't care if they **** me or not. I do care about my younger brother, and know I can't leave him, but I am just emotionally numb to it all

I think that's it. I know I'll be recommended or asked about therapy/medication. I am not on medication and never have been. It makes me anxious to have medication around (I'd probably need it to be monitored not by me, but would rather not have it all). It also makes me suicidal. I am not in therapy. I am visiting my younger brother back home in Portland, Oregon for two weeks at the beginning of May an then am moving to New York City for graduate school at the end of the summer. (It makes me anxious to think about moving and living somewhere for over two years. I want to go to the school, but really just want to be back home in Portland the minute I can. I'm moving back right after graduate school). I do not want to open up to some therapist and be vulnerable for a few months an then leave. I'm reading It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini currently and I feel like the main character Craig right now. I just don't know what to do about any of this and doubt anything I think of will be sound or rational due to my current state. Thanks in advance.

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You are experiencing all the classical signs of depression. When you move to NY, please, get some help for yourself. The collge you'll be going to should have a student health center and they can connect you up with a mental health professional. I do realize that you don't want to have a break in your treatment plan, that is why I suggested the student health center. You don't need to feel this way when there's help available. Congratulations for going to graduate school. There's many of us who are having difficulties with community college or undergrad courses.

Sheepwoman

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