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Stringzer

Which Depressive Symptom Of Yours Gets To You The Most?

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Restlessness. Frustration. Feeling my eyes tired and burning because I couldn't get to sleep last night. Feeling like I want to tear something's head off.

And that's it right there. Worst symptom.

When it comes full circle because I've tried to ignore it and it turns into a quiet anger that doesn't really do much these days except make me snappish. I can't stand to be around people. I want to be alone. I want to sit and get on with my work but when there are people constantly around me in a shared house I feel like a rat trapped in a cage and I just want some peace.

Used to be a real problem for me when I was younger because when I feel angry it's because I've outright refused to feel sad - even though I do. When I want to cry and cry and cry and fall down, I allow myself maybe a day of that then I'm up without actually knowing what to do. I don't talk to anyone beyond saying 'yeah I'm fed up' or similar.

Anger leads to restlessness and frustration then my concentration suffers and I'm left sat here like this staring into space, biting the end of my pen wondering how I let my life fall this far, this hard and how the hell I'm going to meet a deadline for a single article not due for three days because I just cannot get the headspace.

To summarise:

- The fact that I can't allow myself to feel sad

- That it leads to me being snappish/angry/irritable

- It in turn makes me hyper, concentration goes, don't get a thing done.

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waking up with hardly enough energy get out of bed and do anything

being overly conscious of everything my body is doing

random outbursts of extreme anger

headaches

loss of ability to feel much, can't enjoy much either. guess this is what people are talking about when they say the numbness. (this is almost exclusive to when it gets very bad when fall and winter comes)

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It's really hard to pick just one of these that gets to me the most, because as we all know, everything is equally horrible.

But if I had to pick one....no, I'd have to pick two. Insomnia and crying. I hate them.

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I'd say two things get me

1) Lethargy. The simple act of getting up, moving around, doing anything that requires exertion.

2) Exertion. If you do have to go out, you have to put on your mask, the one that makes it look like nothing is wrong. As soon as I get home and take it off, it's like I've been hit by a sledgehammer

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The sense of hopeless that pervades everything I do; I feel like I'm worthless and no good can come of anything I do. Too hopeless to even get out of the chair sometimes, or out of my bed.

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nightmares these days. Intense nightmares waking me up early morning. cannot sleep after that. exhausted. a feeling of inability to complete my sleep

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