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Everything Takes So Much Effort....so Tired Of Waiting To Feel Differently...can't Do This Anymore


lp44

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I work full time M-F and have a lot of other responsibilities as well in my life. I hide my overall misunderstood emptiness and sadness pretty well. On the weekends I want nothing more than to hide from the world and just watch movies all weekend in isolation and total silence. Its like I have expended all the energy I have M-F to give and cope....and try to keep it all together. I have been on Viibryd for about 8 weeks now, and although I think it helps some, it is not without a cost in some ways. I wake up at 2:30 or 3 every morning and find it hard to go back to sleep....then come 5:30 when the alarm goes off I dont want to get up.

I am tired of fighting this and just want to give up. I keep waiting to feel differently, but never have more than moments of joy in my life. Thats no way to live. :( I did not use to be like this. I feel like I have no reason to be like this....that just makes me feel more guilty. I almost can't take responsibilities on the weekend(but have no choice because I always have them) because if I can't retreat from the world those two days Im not ready to face the work week.

Speaking of.....gotta take my boy to a baseball game....and make small talk there even if I dont want to....

Dont know what I am expecting here...just needed to say that I guess.

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Hey lp44,

I have gone through a lot of the feelings you have and have discovered something that has managed to help quite a bit. You might want to try mindfulness (from Buddhist practices) if you haven't already. Focus deeply on your breathing, walking, eating, etc. Stay in that moment and when thoughts come up to distract you from your current process, simply let the thought go. Don't evaluate it, just observe it and let if go away. This has been so powerful that it has taken away all my methods of self-harm. It helps out a lot once you get the hang of it. From there, you can spend some time researching Buddhist practices and what they have to say about various troubles we face in our lives. They have helped me more than anything I have ever come across.

I also "like" to spend my weekends locked up in my room relaxing...or doing homework because a college student is never not busy. It seems my disposition to just lock the door, huddle up in a blanket, and just let the weeks stress float away, and then I start thinking about how lonely I am and realize that I hate the way I live. It's a matter of showing compassion for ourselves and becoming our own best friend, which is a difficult thing to do. We have evolved through methods of having baseline anxiety levels, constantly focusing on potential threats and forming large, tightly knit groups with other people. When we can't have this, or something we feel we need to survive, our minds go into panic mode. It's how we are hard wired to survive. Suffering is our motivation, but solutions in today's world are much, much harder to come by. So it is important for us to recognize this, and fall back to our inner peace--our breathing, our walking, the nature around us. We live in an artificial society, but we are still human. We are not machines and we must recognize our own humanity.

I hope you can find a way through this, and you have an entire community here to support you. I face debilitating feelings of depression, stress, anxiety, hopelessness, isolation, loneliness, and so much more every day. What has relaxed me and given me long lasting smiles are the members of this forum and the methods proposed by Buddhists, so maybe they can help you as well. It is at least one more option :)

Best of luck to you!

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Those are wise words Writer2451, thank you. It's just what I needed to read this morning. I've been practicing mindfulness for a couple of months now, and it seems like I can always use another re"mind"er to stay mindful of the moment.

lp44, I can relate to what you are saying, and feel the same way. I just wanted to say kudos to you for working all week, and taking care of your family and taking your kid to the game. Those are all big achievements in my opinion, and I am impressed with your ability to carry on despite feeling the way you feel. So, just wanted you to know that.

I have not heard of Viibryd, what is it?

cheers!

ellemint

Edited by ellemint
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Thank you Writer and Elle :) I appreciate your comments and feedback. I am just painfully tired of this existence. This is no way to live. My beautiful life is passing by and I feel like I am missing out on joy that is meant to be mine (as I want to insert--it could be if I weren't such a loser who can't just snap out of it)

It takes such control in every way to make the weeks. I do NOT have a desk job (Im a teacher) my extracurricular life is full of teenagers who call me their second mom. This world is hard enough to navigate....they need someone. Thats why its so hard on the weekends in particular. I would be a complete recluse if I could be just to "get over" how hard the weeks are for me. I do not understand any part of this about myself. I feel like I have NO reason to be like this and wasn't always. Sleeping till 7:30 this morning was great. I didnt want the day to start....because my mind does as well. So I just look for something to keep me busy so I have a focus. I wouldnt know how to truly relax and just "be" if the opportunity dropped right in my lap. Thats so very sad.

Elle Viibryd is a fairly new SSRI family antidepressant. I think its worked pretty good, but has side effects as well. Im thinking its only been around 2 1\2 years or so.

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IP44,

I too am a teacher and teach those with very difficult life histories, so I can relate to a lot of your postings in more ways than one.

I have always been one (even when working at a desk job) who needs their peace and free time alone on weekends. I deal with people during the week, and I want my own time to do as I want on the weekend - including watching 2 - 3 movies and just snuggling with my dogs and my husband. There is nothing wrong with that. That is normal.

When I am depressed I feel like you described - it's difficult just to make it through the week to accomplish my responsibilities and make the necessary small talk, or deal with someone difficult. I think that is the key here - perhaps your medicine is not doing all that it needs to do; perhaps you need an increase or a booster; i.,e., Cymbalta stopped working completely for me, but my doctor added lithium as a booster and I feel fantastic for now. I encourage you to look into options with your doctor. Perhaps you need a new medication.

When I feel good I dread going back to work on Monday to a degree, but once I'm there I know I am doing what I consider God's will for me, and that I am helping others. Also, I know that I am good at my job....I just need fulltime hours! My spirits lift and midweek I look forward to the weekend again, where I can have "my time" to do whatever I want - no demands on me except what I determine. Also, it's good and healthy for us to have boundaries - for people to know the weekends are our time.

I do not have children, so I Know your weekends involve them. The same with my husband.....I have to visit his parents with him when I don't want to etc. But, it's all about balance when you feel good. When you feel badly and depressed, it's hard to know what that balance is.

I feel for you, ,as I've been where you are many times the last 32 years - it's never easy, and I never get used to it. So, I urge you to talk to you doctor about changing your meds in some way, and considering therapy.

Peony

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I am just painfully tired of this existence. This is no way to live. My beautiful life is passing by and I feel like I am missing out on joy that is meant to be mine (as I want to insert--it could be if I weren't such a loser who can't just snap out of it)

.

We go through many phases our lives. I look out the window of my dorm room and I see many people outside playing sports in the field and other people sunbathing. I wonder, why can't I just go out there and join them? Why don't I have any friends to go enjoy the nice Spring weather? Why have I allowed my life to fall to such a low point that I don't want to live anymore? I blamed society, I blamed my ex girlfriends for leaving me behind, I called myself expendable, worthless, separate from society.

These thoughts still come into my mind, but they aren't entirely realistic. Sure, I don't meet people who have a lot of interest in me and most people I meet randomly drop me from their lives. There isn't anything I can do about that if I want to continue to be who I am. To change myself in order to make society accept me would be a betrayal of my true self.

You are who you are. You act in ways that your mind finds suitable. Taking time for yourself is natural, warranted, and needed. There is nothing to "get over." There is no conflict or war between ourselves. There are parts of us that we need accept and tend to. If something is wrong with your stomach like a stomach ache for example, we don't try to remove our stomach. If there is something wrong in your brain, you don't just remove parts of your brain. You don't have to remove part of yourself or just "get over it." You must tend to what is in pain. Be kind to yourself.

And your beautiful life is not passing you by. The beauty of your life is what you make of it. I guarantee you that there are people out there with everything you want...and are miserable. Why are they miserable? Because like all human beings they want more and more and do not appreciate what they have. When we get something, we want more. THAT is no way to live. That is the source of our discontentment in life.

We cannot expect others to give us our joy. If you are expecting reward from what you receive, you will quickly find that good feeling vanish as soon as the reward hormones wear off. Then where are you? Back to square one, back to trying to get someone to reward you. You say the joy is meant to be yours, but true, lasting joy comes from within, how we reward ourselves. Talk to yourself. Make a list of all the good you do every day. Think about all the good you are doing. Look at yourself and realize the difference you make. This should be your reward. Think about those teenagers who call you their "second mom." Think about the honor in that. You are making SUCH a difference in the lives of so many others that they refer to you as a mother. How amazing is that? Is that not a beautiful life? Don't let these moments pass you by. Show yourself the compassion you show them. Imagine the compassion you feel for them, what they feel from you, and then imagine giving that compassion to yourself.

I want you to practice mindfulness next time you are out for a walk and/or if you have time to just spend some relaxing time outside. I want you to take in all the sensations around you and focus deeply on them. The way the wind blows, the way the birds chirp, the atoms below that are filled with gaps, moving around as fast as they can to support you. The world is full of many details working together and has amazing complexity. THIS is beauty in your life. THIS is beauty that surrounds us that we pass up every moment of our lives.

Mindfulness in breathing, walking, sitting, you name it, will help you realize the beauty of your life, no matter what phase of it you are in.

Of course, these are easy to tell you, much harder to practice :) It takes time, endurance, practice, but it does help. It may not always be set in your consciousness, but it will be in your brain. It will be your relief. It will be an option. It will be a way towards happiness. In the end, it may not work for you. It doesn't work for everyone. But even if it doesn't work, it will show you that you cared for yourself, that you loved yourself enough to give your life another option.

Again, best of luck to you and I am hoping that you find relief :)

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Thanks Peony :) Always nice to have a post to relate to specifically. I worry most about hoping that I keep my depression hidden from my children. I never want them to view me that way. If you knew me IRL you would never in a million years guess that I struggle right now with depression. I dont know how I manage to mask it but I know I do a pretty good job.

I actually have a love\hate relationship with the work week starting again. Part of me needs it for the structure of it. Part of me is overwhelmed.

I too know that I am good at what I do, but struggle with self worth at the same time. That makes no sense to me. One one hand I know I make a difference\ on the other hand I think "How could someone like you possibly mean anything to anyone."

As far as a med change, I have only been on this one for about 8 weeks. I tried Wellbutrin prior to that...it gave me headaches daily. I couldnt take it. I am so anti-med (ya know cause Im supposed to be perfect and not give myself the grace I give other people) I just dont know if I stop taking this one if I will accept another. I just know myself.

As far as therapy---cost is an issue and finding someone reputable is another HUGE issue. I wouldnt even know where to start. I talk to my GP some and she is so amazing, but that cant be on a regular basis obviously and its not her job to do that. If the right person came along I would certainly be open to it....of course that would take telling my husband for the first time ever just how much I am struggling. (he doesnt even know Im on meds)

I dont like wishing when I lay down at night that I just wont wake up and yet be replaced by someone better than me for my family so they wouldnt hurt with my loss. This is no way to live, but I dont know what to do to change it. I cant slow down long enough to even figure it out.

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Thank you yet again Writer! :) I hope you too see that you have given a lot to someone you dont even know...in that you have taken time to write out two separate posts with lots of thought going into them in the process. Thank you!

I truly do know what you are saying about joy. I tell my teenagers this all the time...also pointing out that happiness and joy are really two completely different things. I do try to take the time to absorb all the little things in life that "make the world go round." "Compassion for myself" does not come easy tho.

I have good and faithful friends, but most tend to see me as "the one that has it all together." So they lean heavily on me. Only one sees through me in an almost uncomfortable way! LOL

I do try to focus on the difference I hope I make. I am taking one of my teenagers to meet her biological father for the first time this next Friday. She has not had the easiest life. She could have chosen several people to be with her, but she wants me. :)

I guess I should also say I am dealing with some health issues that will probably require surgery this summer....so I know Im handling a lot....but Im ready for it to be different...and Im a very proactive person in general. Its like I dont know how to help myself on this one tho.

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I think you will make it through this. You show a willingness to get through it, you'll make it. As far as compassion for yourself, Buddhists say to imagine something that you feel great compassion for (in the form of a person or aspect of nature) and feel all the compassion and focus on it. Then you have to shift that compassion towards yourself. When I first read this I was a little reluctant...until I tried it. It showed a very faint result but then I embraced it and it felt amazing. Like I said, these methods may not work for everyone, but keep trying!

And yes, I am very glad I could help. Helping others is what helps me out the most :) That's what makes me feel fulfilled in life. I know you have things like this in your life as well. You need to devote all your energy on these things, do not let jealousy of a life you could have (a life that will in reality have just as many faults) take over your mind.

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lp44,

I appreciate your saying that if I knew you in real life, that I wouldn't know you were depressed, because you hide it so well. I have wondered if that were the case with many people in the world. I lhave looked at others and thought that they don't show any signs of depression, and yet I would feel like such a mess, and I would feel I expressed "mess," so why didn't others? Are there really not that many people out there who go through the same thing? Especially in a profession such as ours? I felt so much that I must be alone. That's one of the reasons I came here.

I think I understand a big part of your thoughts - I remember many times thinking, "What is the point in going on everyday - I'm not doing myself or others any good being here." I've wanted to "leave" many times, but for me, my faith in God has kept me going to keep trying to persevere through this experience of life that includes many depressive episodes. .....solely because I truly feel that he has placed me in my current position to help the people I teach. Solely because I think I do have a real purpose here on earth, even though it's very difficult and hard for me whenever I get depressed.

I said to someone else today in the chat room that I realized a while ago, that if I allow myself to get too low, then it makes is extremely difficult to pull myself up - I don't like going through this last part; i.e, it is too painful and almost impossible to have to pull myself up after having lost a job and having no money while being depressed. It works out much better if I see the signs of my going down, and I nip them in the bud by going to see my doctor to change my meds, or finding a therapist or both.

I've been in therapy 3 different times over the last 32 years. This last time I had to go to someone at a free clinic, because my first husband had left me, had taken all of my life savings, and I had lost my job. I didn't think I would make it emotionally or financially. I certainly didn't think a free clinic would have a quality counselor who could really help me.

She turned out to be one of the best I have had, and her husband did the same thing to her, except he took all of his money away! :-) Also, she had been a teacher. I went to her 3 years and I honestly would not be where I am today had I not gone to her. I still have a ways to go----been looking for a fulltime position 6 1/2 years - but I am stronger than I have ever been, and I know how to see toxic people before I start a relationship or friendship with them....and for once in my life I have confidence and self esteem right now....THIS astonishes me! Just the other day I was saying to myself that I have a lot of life experience now.....I can say I am wise now to a certain degree....I have a lot to offer the world now, but I also realize I have always had a lot to offer.

So, therapy can happen if you want it to. You could ask your GP about a low cost option for therapy - a clinic, and names of therapists who are good who work there or elsewhere.....they are out there. I know you are busy, but you have to make time for yourself to make it happen.

What good is taking a med if it doesn't work for you? Maybe 8 weeks isn't long enough....maybe the dosage needs to be increased, maybe you need a booster. But, IF it's not the right drug, you have to persevere and find the right drug....that's part of the hand you have been dealt with depression. It may take several tries before you find the right med....that is the way it goes.....you need to push yourself to keep trying to find the right one, because once you do, then life IS worth it.

I worry that I will try them all and then one day none will work....I may have to use ECT....not something I want to do, but something I might need to try.

I understand your feelings about telling your children and husband; however, I would think that would make life very difficult for you....at some point you may not be able to hide it....especially if you don't get help re: your meds.......also, why are you ashamed of your illness? Isn't this why you are hiding it from your family?

How would they feel if they knew you were hiding it from them? Wouldn't your husband want to be there for you for support as you try to find the right med, and wouldn't your kids want this too? If you shared it with them, I think both you and they would gain a lot. Also, it would help educate your children about mental illness and lessen the stigma, because it is not something you can help. All of this would be a great thing to discuss with a therapist.

Teachers and Nurses are such caring and important people, but also they tend to get burned out the most. I know for me, stress causes my depression. Teaching can be very stressful. Life is difficult. But it can be fun and interesting too. You are worth it....the depression is what is telling you to give up.

Peony

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Hey Peony :) I am sorry you went through what you did, but happy you found someone to share your life with after that! Love to sit with my dogs too. They are awesome and keep all my secrets! LOL

Yes, outwardly if you knew me IRL you would never guess I struggled with depression. Literally daily people from 9 to 99 seek me out to talk to me, unload, or ask for advice. It is very often an enigma to me. Would it further surprise you to know that I am a pastor's wife? I live in a fishbowl 24/7 between my two worlds. So, yes I think its safe to say even the people that look like they have it all together...atleast some of those have private struggles that we know nothing about.

As far as the meds. I have to be fair and say the meds have helped. I know I atleast laugh and smile some more. It doesnt always feel real, but I do it. I feel calmer overall. However, I feel a little emotionless in the process too. (I was never a big crier or anything before...I love and care very deeply...but dont cry much) Viibryd has some pretty big side effects and they seem like they are just now diminishing. I guess I just don't want to give up on it. I do wonder tho if it has contributed to constant thoughts I dont want to have. I would never go through with anything, but the thoughts are there all the same. I cant tell if the meds have made that more prominent or not. One loses perspective at some point, ya know? Sleep cycles have been disrupted, dreams have been all over the map(was never really one to dream much before), nausea has been bad at times.....its all seemingly evening out some now. I just think maybe its too soon to stop or ask for something new. Who knows tho?

As to telling my husband and kids....I just cant...period. Why? Is it because Im ashamed? I don't think so? But again...I guess I cant be sure. One of my best friends IRL struggles with depression. She is one of the neatest people ever. She does know. I think I carry it alone partially because I just want to defeat it and move on without burdening anyone else. I am a perfectionist big time. (bit on the stubborn side too!LOL) Super hard on myself in every aspect of my life. This feels like such a personal failure for me. There are lots of reason I am that way. My mom never accepted anything less than perfect from me. She is an amazing woman, but I use to need her to see her hand in some of my perfectionist tendencies. I dont need that anymore. Its enough for me to see it and move on.

I will look around as far as a therapist is concerned. Not sure how easy that would be tho. It would be nice to talk to someone. Trust just comes so very very hard for me. Ive talked more to my GP about this than anyone. She has been completely awesome. I wish I had an opportunity to talk with her more. She completely gets me in every way.

Again....thanks for your responses. I appreciate it. :)

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Thank you yet again Writer! :) I hope you too see that you have given a lot to someone you dont even know...in that you have taken time to write out two separate posts with lots of thought going into them in the process. Thank you!

I truly do know what you are saying about joy. I tell my teenagers this all the time...also pointing out that happiness and joy are really two completely different things. I do try to take the time to absorb all the little things in life that "make the world go round." "Compassion for myself" does not come easy tho.

I have good and faithful friends, but most tend to see me as "the one that has it all together." So they lean heavily on me. Only one sees through me in an almost uncomfortable way! LOL

I do try to focus on the difference I hope I make. I am taking one of my teenagers to meet her biological father for the first time this next Friday. She has not had the easiest life. She could have chosen several people to be with her, but she wants me. :)

I guess I should also say I am dealing with some health issues that will probably require surgery this summer....so I know Im handling a lot....but Im ready for it to be different...and Im a very proactive person in general. Its like I dont know how to help myself on this one tho.

Have you ever heard of ACT --- Acceptance Compassion therapy? I have found it useful in my own life, on a self-help basis. Here's a good website for it: http://www.thehappinesstrap.com/ There's some free chapters from Russ Harris's books, and a link to a bunch of free resources on the left hand side.

And a world-wide database of ACT therapists: http://contextualscience.org/civicrm/profile?gid=17&reset=1&force=1

Edited by ellemint
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lp44, i'm glad people have offered you ideas for managing your emotions.

Everyone needs something that can work NOW! (esp when we're stressed.)

I too do a meditative technique when i feel down,

although i'm a Christian so it's kind of different from what Writer has proposed.

But the reason i'm bothering to add anything to this discussion, is,

so far i'm not seeing any proposals about

changes you might need to make in your life.

lp44, you're trying to be too wonderful, too much of the time.

You're trying to be wonderful at work, wonderful with teens, wonderful at home.

lp44, you need to know that it's ok to put aside time for YOU.

Tell the kids, "I love you, but it's been a hard week at work,

and today i'm going to spend 2 hours by myself reading."

(or watching television. or doing needlepoint. or whatever is soothing for you.)

I would think that 1 hour of "me" time on Friday, 2 on Saturday and 1 on Sunday

ought to be a good start. But you might need more than that.

Check in with us again soon. Let us know how it's going.

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Hi, IP44,

Glad to know you are confiding in a friend who has depression too. That is a godsend - to have a friend who understands depression and can understand what you are going through. Many of us are not that lucky.

I'm glad to hear you will investigate the therapist options. If your GP gets you and your situation so well, then he/she is the perfect one to ask for therapist recommendations!

Glad to hear you say the meds have helped you some.....maybe this drug will help you after more time. Just be aware of what you need to consider if it is not helping you after more time.

I am not surprised to hear you are a pastor's wife. :-) I think being in that position could be very stressful for many reasons....and would justify the need to talk things out with a therapist in addition to perfectionism (I too have had to deal with this!), and not wanting to share your depression with family.

You sound a bit better in your last post. Glad to hear you love dogs too....mine are pouting now because I left for work earlier!!!!

Keep posting on this site as I have found it a source of great support and sharing.

Peony

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Dontlikeme--Thanks for your reply. I know I do need to try to make time for myself. I do sometimes, but I guess I just find it hard.

Peony-- :) Thanks again. My sweet friend indeed rocks! We are good for each other.

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  • 8 years later...

Some days life has no meaning, just as some days there is no sunshine. I am sure I am preaching to the choir here, but doubtless part of the issue is that you work 5 days and your husband is on duty the other 2 days. Maybe find a couple days during the week that are "off off" together. See if the local seminary has a student in need of pastoral experience who can cover the hospital visitations and other lay responsibilities on those off days. 

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