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Trying To Crawl Out


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Hello. I'm not really sure what to put here, except that I'm a longtime sufferer of depression with a good dose of anxiety thrown in. I'm 41 and have accomplished nothing with my life. A few weeks ago, I checked myself into the hos[pital due to thoughts of suicide. My third time in 20 years. Now I'm stuck in this vicious cycle of guilt and regret and self-loathing. If only I would have stuck to my treatment when was younger. If only I had the courage to face my demons and my anxiety and whatever else is going wrong with me. Right now I'm housebound, without a licence or a job. I should be up and about, cleaning and being active but I'm not. i feel like I'm destined to be a burden to my family and friends.

Right now I'm on 75 m of Effexor, with a therapist appointment April 15th. I've been on the meds for a few weeks now. No real improvement. People are telling me to be patient with my treatment, but I feel like I've wasted too much of my life already. I want to feel better, but I don't know how. What's the point of cleaning the house or getting yet another meaningless job if I'm not going to feel any better? Depression and anxiety have been my twin siblings, always on my shoulder, whispering in my ear.... I can no longer separate myself from them. My constant companions. Is it possible top both want to feel better and be afraid of it at the same time?

One day stretches into the next, with nothing to distinguish them. I have two teenage children that I'm certain believe I'm a poor excuse for a mother. My husband..tries to be as understanding as he can be. He wants me to get a job, and dutifully, I will. I kind of have to, since we're not rich and we do need another income. Just the thought of another stupid mindless minimum wage job makes me sick to my stomach. I should have finished my education... I should have gotten my driver's licence.... shoulds shoulds shoulds. At any rate, I'm trying to get better, I truely am. But when the bleak grayness settles over me, it's like I see nothing else. I've done all the things I'm supposed to do.... got help when I was suicidal, sought out a therapist, changed my meds ( I was on 10 mg of Lexepro before). I tried to tighten up my support system. But my friends and family have their lives too, jobs and things. I can't call them every time I feel isolated and sick and hopeless. Which is often.

I suspect my husband expects me to get better quicker then I am. He's the one person I want to be able to talk to without fear. Because... as most of you already know.. there doesn't always have to be an exact cause for what we're feeling. I'd to ramble on and on about every awful thing inside me to my husband, just to vocalize it. Just to get it out in the open. Just to have someone HEAR me. But I usually keep quiet, to keep his stress level down. I get angry with my husband a lot, for reasons I can't articulate.

I'm a huge mess inside. I don't even know who I am anymore, nor do I trust my own judgement. Is it the depression talking, or me? Do I even exist, outside this house? I don't know. Treatment is coming, but not quick enough. I have to get through this day, and the next, and the next....

I'm sorry for such a long introductory post. I'm going to sign off now and force myself to clean this stupid house. Thanks for reading.

~Merry~

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Hi MerrySkye, welcome! (I love your name, I have a beautiful aussie shepherd named Skye!)

Please don't apologize for your intro, getting things off your chest is very important. I'm a (soon to be) 48 (on the 19th) year old single mom of a wonderful 12 year old boy. Children love you unconditionally and I'm sure your kids know you are struggling right now. Depression is an illness, just like anything else, and takes time to heal.

I know you're anxious to get your life back to "normal". I hit my lowest point about 2 years ago for no apparent reason other than I was admitted to the hospital for tests on my stomach (my pdoc thinks it triggered a PTSD episode due to a lengthy hospitalization in 2008, feel free to read my profile). I have never been so depressed, never really had a problem with anxiety until then. It's been a long, long road but I'm finally starting to see light. It's taken lots of meds adjustments and I think the one they put me on first (mirtazipine to help me gain weight, that was a first) might have made things worse because that's when my depression worsened but it's taken me until now to figure that out. I'm tapering down on that and added Prozac up to 40 mg just last week (started on 20 mg in Dec.). Just 2 nights ago I slept through the night for the first time in 2 years...it felt great!

I know right now you don't feel like doing anything...but if you can, find something you enjoy and try to do it for a little while each day (in my case it's fixing up my house, rummage sales and looking for treasures to sell online). I also try to walk my dog every day whether I feel like it or not (she doesn't care). I highly recommend the website Pinterest, it's a great place to find things that interest you and "pin" your own boards...I have one for every room in my house for decorating, making a small office, painting, even haircut ideas...you can find ANYTHING on that website!

I hope you'll hang around the forum, this forum has been a great help to me in the past 2 years and I've "met" lots of wonderful, caring people who all can relate to you in one way or another. I hope your therapy kicks in soon and you start feeling better...feel free to PM me if you want to talk. We go to my dad's on weekends who doesn't have internet but I'm upgrading to a smart phone for my birthday present!

Sorry MY post got so long, I look forward to seeing you around the boards! Don't give up, there is hope...

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HI.. I just wanted to say that I feel you on the husband front. I have an amazingly understanding husband but he's the one most subjected to my angry outbursts and I can't explain why since he's so good to me. Most of the time I think I'm angry at him because he gets to be "normal" and I'm not. My house is a giant pig sty because I just want to sit on my ass and play video games in order to escape my own brain and be someone else for a few hours.. I feel like a burden to my husband the majority of the time. I also completely understand the want to/fear getting better. It's scary when you've been depressed for a long time.. :(

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