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What Do You Truly Miss?


Cyberpunk

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For anyone who can remember a time before depression took over their life, what do you really miss?

I miss enjoying the feeling of a warm summer rain on my skin. I miss enjoying the sound of the birds in the morning. I miss sleeping for eight hours, not ten, twelve, or two, and I miss waking up without being completely exhausted. I miss being able to dedicate a mere hour of my day to a good book without having a panic attack before I finish the first page. I miss smiling when I'm holding a woman I care about. I miss being able to convey that I care for her.

I miss being hopeful about the future. I miss looking forward to a promotion, a new house, an engagement. I miss feeling that these were attainable goals, not severe delusions. I miss being able to sit at a restaurant without having a panic attack. I miss being able to drive to the store. I miss being able to get to places on time and not spend an hour or two getting ready and leaving my house at the last possible second. I miss meaningful conversations with people and I miss checking my email and the courage to answer my phone.I miss emotions like pleasure, joy, anticipation, happiness, love, longing, desire, complacence, compassion. I can do without grief, sorrow, despair, torment, and feelings of worthlessness. I know these are natural emotions we all need to experience in life, but they should never be the only emotions we are capable of experiencing.

I miss relaxation. I miss living in the present and not dwelling on the past or being terrified of the future. I miss beaches, enjoying the taste of ice cream, eating reasonable portions of food on a reasonable schedule and not once a day because I have too much anxiety to even sit still to finish a meal.

My name is Joe and I suffer from severe depression and anxiety because my brain doesn't work the way that's it's supposed to. I miss the things that make life worth living. And I would do anything to get them back.

Edited by Cyberpunk
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I miss being able to draw and write. I used to enjoy these things so much, but now it just feels like work. I can't write or draw anything without hating it, or fearing that everyone else will hate it. I never used to be so afraid of putting myself out there. I wish I knew what happened there.

I miss people being willing to talk to me. I used to be outgoing and pleasant to be around. Now I'm just a negative lump that no one wants to be anywhere near. I always say stupid things and alienate people. I've lost plenty of friends and gained none since I started high school. They just keep dropping out of my life like flies and there's nothing I can do about it.

I miss the times when I didn't have to worry about anything. When I was just a kid. I didn't have to think about a job or what university I'm going to or whether or not I'll be in debt for the rest of my life. I'm leaving high school and being thrown into the real world in a few months and I'm not prepared at all. I'm breaking under the pressure to be perfect so I can get into the best school and get the best education so I can get the best job and live the best life ever.

I guess what I'm essentially trying to say is that I miss having the ability to be happy. I miss having control over my emotions and my life. Simpler times when nothing really mattered and life wasn't to be taken so seriously...

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Hi Joe. Thanks for starting this topic. Good idea.

I miss being able to make other people happy. I use to do nice things for people and show love and gratitude. Now, I just shy away from others and live in my own selfish misery.

I miss enjoying planning holidays and having fun going on them. Now there's nowhere I want to go and nothing I want I see or do.

I miss having the drive and motivation to get things done. Now I have no desires to do anything.

I miss being funny and jovial for my kids. Playing and dancing with them and really enjoying it. Now, I just encourage them to entertain themselves whilst I lay down and pass time on the internet or doing nothing because nothing really interests me.

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When I was younger, from the age of 2 to the age of 12. I went to a place during the days when my parents were working, every weekday from 3pm to 4pm during school, and from 9am-4pm during the summer. Had two friends that also stayed there, best friends I ever had. We would play there, all day, non-stop. I suppose that's all that I have to say about it, but, I can't remember a single time that I was upset there, and I can't think about it without tearing up. My friends there moved a few years ago, and I haven't seen them in over 4 years now.

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That's really beautiful,Shlunka. I think it's integral for us to hold onto places like that. If we can remember a time when we were truly happy, there has to be some hope of getting that happiness back somehow.

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I miss believing in love,

I miss feeling hopeful about the future,

I miss spending time with my friends,

I miss going to school,

I miss my time living abroad,

I miss dancing,

I miss enjoying the summer

I miss my childhood,

I miss my family being normal

I miss feeling safe

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I miss meaningful conversation.

I miss the feeling that I would get when I would study and learn something new.

I miss waking up in the morning and not wanting to die.

I miss feeling that I can control my emotions.

I miss smiling and laughing - probably this most of all.

I miss my intense fandom feelings.

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Well said Cyberpunk. I feel the same way. I'm still working on trying to overcome the two biggest blows to my life over the last few years - the end of a long and intense relationship with someone I loved dearly, and the loss of pretty much my dream job a couple of years later. I guess the first event shook me to the core, and destroyed whatever happiness and self confidence I had managed to gain for myself (I didn't have a happy childhood and university was hellish). The second event was pretty much insult to injury and after a year of underemployment (after 9 months of unemployment I got let go from my latest job after a couple of months due to budget cuts again) I'm pretty much sapped of any enthusiasm or happiness in life. I still try my best to help people when I can, but it's quite difficult to remain positive when it feels like the world out there just wants to see you fail and mocks you by taking away anything that you worked your hardest to gain, in the blink of an eye.

I miss being happy, and I miss being positive. I miss being myself without having to worry about how others perceive me, and definitely I miss living in the present - not worrying about the future or dwelling about the past. I miss having the security a job has that would allow me to make long term plans. I miss having a loving significant other. I miss not waking up to panic attacks, and to the crushing realization that yet another unproductive day is unfolding before my eyes.

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This is a wonderful topic.

Rather than a deep depression my depression is very variable even during a day or hour. Now even when my mood is fine I feel bit like I'm on the edge of a cliff and could topple at any time. I miss not worrying even I'm well and happy that it won't last and that it could be today or next week and ill be desperate again.

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I miss going to the gym with my best friend

I miss the times my family is together at home

I miss the time I still believe in love and compassion

I miss the time I look forward to going to school because I can hang out with my friends

I miss the time when I angry but full of spirit instead of being miserable and depressed all the time

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This is going to sound terrible, because I know this topic is supposed to be somewhat positive, but.... I don't think I've ever had any real self-confidence, or any sense of lasting joy. My moments of happiness in the past have been a bit of an illusion, since there was always something dark lurking in the back of my brain. I used fake personas to socialize-masks. My whole life.. as far back as I can remember...has been tainted with depression, frosted with anxiety. So when asked " What do you miss?", I can honestly say I don't know. I apologize for the negativity. I am trying to change all that with medication and treatment, though. But for now, I feel I need to answer honestly.

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  • 4 weeks later...

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