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Laz

Memories Or Flashbacks: It's The Good Ones That Depress Me

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I’m not sure if there’s a difference between vivid memories and flashbacks but I feel mind are pretty close to flashbacks. They seem so fresh and real it’s creepy sometimes. Throughout the day they pop into my head suddenly. I know they’re just memories but to me they impact my moods tremendously, especially the good ones.

The weird thing is the bad memories don’t impact me that much. It’s the good ones that usually bring me down, especially the ones of my ex-wife and kids. The worse was when my wife left me. At the time my head was in shambles, I was in major depression and the memories were absolutely debilitating. Now it’s not as bad but there are still times when they’ll push me into depression.

Does anybody else feel this way?

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I tell people why would I want to remember the good times? It'll just make me feel bad because my brain will automatically contrast them to my current life, ie the bad times, or maybe it'd make more sense to call them the worse times since the good times weren't that good, they only look that way by comparison.

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Wow Laz, you really touched on something that I have not fully thought about, although now that I read this (and alpheus' response) - I totally see where you're coming from. It is incredibly painful for me to remember "the good times" because they are gone and they are NOT coming back - at least not the sort that I had before.

I can't say that the bad memories don't affect me that much, though, because I'm the kind of person that can get a thought/memory stuck in my head on a loop and it will drive me crazy! Mostly I guess I try to just focus on the moment right now, because the past is so full of those memories, good and bad that really wreck me sometimes.

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I just talked about this in therapy today. I think back and remember how happy and carefree I was.

I was very social and had so many interests, I always woke up early to get my day going, I was happy to be alive and didn't want to miss a minute of it.

Somewhere along the line, depression has stripped me of all the joy in life. But I refuse to give up, I will do anything I have to do, to have that joy and happiness I use to have.

I know it's still there, every once in awhile it comes out and how wonderful I feel!!

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this happens to me !
there not so vivid but if i see something, or even music reminds me of times when everything was simple and i was happier
it makes me so sad :(

i dont remember the bad times, my mind blocks them out thankfully.

but memories where its as simple as receiving a compliment from a favourite teacher or being bad makes me sad, cause i cant go back

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I even avoid thinking of the good times, because it's too painful. The really bad times are often fine to think about because I can feel grateful they're over with! My depression is under control now but hey -- my life still sucks! I am optimistic that I can continue changing things for the better, and I'm motivated to do so, but nonetheless that's reality.

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Great topic! Sometimes I think that I'm the only one who is going through this. But obviously not. I assume that virtually all humans go through it at least to some extent. Someday, I like to get to the point where I look upon the good times from the past that are gone forever with fondness and not sadness and try to have gratitude about the past as well as about the present.

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I also experience this and usually it's a moment where a trigger will start the memory and then I'm so depressed. I try not to look back but it's so hard not to since things for me have never been the same since. I think this scares me thinking there will be no more happy times but I'm sure that's my depression in control of things as well.

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Oh wow, what an interesting way to think about it: remembering when things were basically ok overall is actually more painful than remembering times when things were not-so-good. Thinking back to those better times only reminds you how desolate this island truly is and the immense oceans that seperate you from happiness. I mean, I swear to God, if I'm cast away here on Depression Island much longer I'm going to start talking to a volleyball too.
For me, when I remember those better times it's not even that they were that good (like LaurynJcat said); what I miss now is the deeper feeling from those days past that the future was going to be a good thing- worth constructing or embarking upon. When something triggers my memory as to my mind set when I was younger, I sadly remember that it kind of felt like my life was a cabin that I was building in the woods; one built from fine timber and situated on a handsome clearing, where one day as an old grey-beard I might put my arm around a kind woman and enjoy the golden, orange hue of a slow-motion sunset. Except I now realize that I had stupidly built the house starting with the bathroom and working my way outwards, so that in the intermittent time between the better days and the present, the whole ******* cabin has collapsed around me, leaving me sitting on the toilet with my johns around my ankles, shivering in the cold. And as I sit here alone on that toilet, surveying the fallen timber collapsed all around me like so many fallen dominoes, I occassionally see a crushed memory from before, sticking out like the edge of a picture frame between two split logs, and feel like crying quietly, just remembering that it once actually existed.

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Just thought I would share what happened to me. Here I was thinking back on the "good times" and sad that they were gone. Then, lo and behold I find a suitcase with old letters. It was my mom's. She passed away years ago. In it were old letters from me! I started reading them. I had forgotten all those little events, worries etc. But I got reminded!! I realized my old bf was not as great as I thought. One was he up and left me at his house without a car and went to the firehouse for hours and hours. He apparently got bored with me and was hanging out with his friends. Then I got to remembering how he lied to me many times right before our wedding - which btw never happened. I posed the question of You know if you want to cancel the wedding, its okay, just tell me". It was two weeks away and everything planned and done and I expected him to say OH NO!" His reply was "I dont want to cancel it, but maybe we could postpone it awhile". On that I left in a huff never to return and ultimately married someone else. Somehow I was telling myself I left HIM since he cried afterwards and tells people it was his biggest mistake ever made. No, I dont think so. I just seem better to him now that I am no longer available. Anyway, more little stories to come as I re-read my so called "good memories". Ha!

GS

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