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Moving Forward, But Still Filled With Guilt And Shame


yesican

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I hit rock bottom about a week ago..funny thing kinda, seeing as I thought I had hit bottom before but the floor kept falling!!

Some positive things have happened though. I have finally connected with a reputable psychiatrist (one of the best in the province) who has commited to working with and seeing me every week until he feels I am stable. This is huge because I have had recent hospitalizations due in part to not having a regular psychiatrist..the one who I had before was only available for me to see every 3-4 months.

Another positive is that I have received an accurate diagnosis and have started to see some positive effects of a new medication I started about 10 days ago.

I am trying very hard to focus on the positives and I am so grateful and thankful for them. Also for the ability to start enjoying small things again.

But the biggest obstacle I am facing right now is that I am still filled with intense guilt and shame. I am constantly trying to stop beating myself up over 'letting it get so bad', and that I came 'so close' to ending it all. I can logically recognise that I have an illness and without proper treatment it can be debilitating and even lethal. But for some reason, I am finding it so hard to forgive myself and give myself the same compassion and care that I would show someone else. I hold myself to such an impossibly high standard and I don't understand why.

Any thoughts?

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Hi Yesican,

Please know that guilt is a major symptom of depression. I can tell you not to be so hard on yourself, but only you can convince you. I know the feeling so well, guilt over not being a good enough mom, guilt over not being "normal", guilt over any little thing....

The important thing is that you DO recognize that this is part of your illness and that you hit bottom and once you hit bottom, there's only one way to go....up. Just keep reminding yourself that guilt IS part of the illness and you're not to blame. Keep looking for something to look forward to every day, no matter how small. For me it's just that first cup of coffee in the morning as a reward for just getting out of bed and then I get my son off to school. Before I go to sleep at night, I try to plan at least one thing to do the next day to look forward to whether it's working on my house, making bracelets, or even shopping online or looking for decorating ideas online. I'll make a list of things I plan on buying on the weekend (I'm not rich, it can be as simple as a new shade of lipstick or a new plate to hang on my wall...and I'm really into refinishing furniture so I hit Goodwill and buy cheap tables, chairs, etc. to paint and refinish, maybe I'll even try to sell a few on Craigslist...). Hobbies help and I preach this a lot but Pinterest is an awesome website to find ANYTHING you might be interested in...I've been saving bracelet making instructions to my boards...whatever your interests might be.

I'm glad you didn't end it all...there really is so much in life to look forward to, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Now you have the chance to work your way back up. And we're here to help if you need us. Good luck!

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thank you friends! Epic, I think of you often and how you always offer such great insight about how brains work and how you write about being kind to your brain. You are a strong warrior and the forum is blessed to have you!

Taysmom, you have a good point about guilt and depression- I will definately try to keep that in mind. I also loved your advise about finding a hobby. I just came home from walmart and bought myself a cross-stitch kit. I used to do cross-stitching and really enjoyed it, so I thought I would give it a try again:) Thank you for your kind words. I am so thankful for the forum and how it has helped me and how we can all help each other!

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I'm so glad that you are going to pick up your hobby again! Mine are helping me so much...I even got back out to walk the dog a while today (been slacking off on that due to weather and being busy painting). I even sat down last night and made a list of all the things I still have to do around my house, it took up a page and a half! Just finished my dad's tax return online, not exactly a fun task, but it kept me busy and one thing checked off my list!!! Now it's time to relax and feel like I actually accomplished something today....

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