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Terowyn

I Don't Think I Can Do This Anymore

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14 months ago I fell into depression, and it's been almost the same ever since(excluding a grace period of about 3 months, but I still wasn't completely myself).

Here is the general description of how I feel everyday:

My mind feels blank. Completely blank. I know I'm writing this and I have to think to do so, but it feels as if I am not thinking at all. Everything I write or say makes it seem as if I'm a robot, and I'm programmed to write or say it. My internal dialogue in my head is completely gone. I used to be a critical thinker and would have racing thoughts and ideas. Now my head is just empty, all the time.

This leads to many other problems. I can't write music anymore, whereas I used to write some pretty good music(everything I write is unoriginal and simple). I can't follow conversations at times, I get lost in explanations and debates that should be relatively easy to understand. I would have been done writing this message 5 minutes ago if I was the way I used to be(slow processing speed and word recall), You know how they say we can only use 10% of our brain at a time? It feels as if I can only use 1% of it at most.

Then there's classic typical/atypical depression symptoms. Anhedonia, I can't find joy in anything. I go to sleep between 4-7 AM and wake up between 3-7 PM, which I know isn't good. When I do wake up earlier, I have no motivation to get up, or I feel really tired and sleep for another few hours. Head pressure and tension headaches from time to time. Feel like my body's heavy.

Now the scary part is that at the beginning of this, I was going through some really stressful situations, and I was definitely putting myself at risk of a depressive episode, but before I noticed the depression hit full-on, I got drunk, tripped running, fell and hit my head. I didn't get knocked out, and I'm not sure if I even had symptoms or that it was even a concussion. But soon after that was when my depression hit full on(it might've even been before hitting my head, but I didn't notice how bad it got) I kept scaring myself that I may have had permanent brain damage, and still kind of do to this day. And after that grace period I was talking about where for a few months I would go out with friends and do things(but I still had problems thinking straight, not as bad though), I had another incident where I hit my head, and definitely had a concussion, but again, I wasn't knocked out. Soon after this I worried about the brain damage crap and fell straight back into a depressive episode(or so I really hope it is).

My doctor insists that it's almost positively depression, and that my brain is still fine. I got an MRI after the first head injury and a CAT scan after the second, both came out fine. But I can't stop scaring myself into thinking that there's damage that wouldn't show up on a scan, and the fact that I know that such damage exists scares the hell out of me.


Has anyone felt the way I feel before in their depression? I'm getting scared that I won't be able to do this much longer, and I really need help or support. Thanks.

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My mind usually feels blank like I'm just going through the motions without really noticing what I'm doing. I also have issues with concentration a times. If its really bad I'll be very lethargic to the point my body feels very heavy. At least that is some of my symptoms I've experienced.

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My mind usually feels blank like I'm just going through the motions without really noticing what I'm doing. I also have issues with concentration a times. If its really bad I'll be very lethargic to the point my body feels very heavy. At least that is some of my symptoms I've experienced.

When I don't feel outright awful, this is how I feel. Not happy, not sad, just there. I still have severe concentration issues and it really can affect me. My docs have called it depression too. Depression isn't just feeling bad, it is often just total lack of interest.

You said that you lose concentration in the middle of converstaions. That happens to me a TON too! Like I'll be 5 minutes into a conversation and realize that I've just been in a mindless daze, hearing but not listening.

I don't have a lot of advice other than it's certainly been something I've experienced. There are a lot of techniques to handle depression, what you describe sounds very much like it.

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I can relate to the concentration issues - I think it is that I just don't care. I just can't bring myself to care about what someone else is saying about the weather or something at work or something I consider stupid and not worth my time. One thing that has really helped my concentration is reading a lot, I have really been working on it.

And I feel - it isn't exactly "blank" like you describe, for me it is more like I am disassociated with myself, so it is like watching someone else do things, and there is a blankness in feeling - like I can watch myself do things that are "wrong" or "bad" and I just don't really care.

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My mind doesn't feel blank but I really don't feel like doing anything; in fact almost all of the time all I want to do is either sleep, go out to walk or try to ween myself off the computer. With the condition I have, it's almost really hard to live a normal life, constantly obsessing and fixating and letting my past get to me.

I used to exercise constantly before the depression, now I barely do. In fact I can't ride as fast on my bike anymore. I'm hoping for the day where I see light but that's unlikely.

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