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Lustforlike

Hello Everyone From Canada.

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I am new here, I registered for this site for a support group finally. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was really young probably around 5/6 comes to mind. I came here to change myself and try to be more social so I can make some friends I have trouble reaching out to people. I had someone say recently to me "the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result" pointing that directly at me. Even though the message wasn't nice, I get the message I need to find help.

I am very lonely right now, I don't have any true friends or family that cares, besides my dad. I often think about what would happen if he wasn't around anymore, and honestly I would want to just die or waste away somewhere. I don't think I am suicidal though. It's more of along the lines of just not caring for my body well enough. As to be the case right now. I suffer from a wide range of symptoms, generally I have no will power to get out of bed somedays, and often sleep the day away without even noticing. I randomly cry as well for no logical reason, just a blanket of sadness consumes me. I just hurt inside. I often ponder about seeing psychologist for medication. My problem is afraid of reaching out and doing it myself. That's I guess the anxiety part. They both go hand in hand in preventing things.

I have a long complicated story, as do some most others may not, it doesn't have a set criteria of where it strikes. Anyways I'll save you the story unless you want to read some of it on my page. I find when you talk to certain people about life issues etc, they don't really understand or talk for that matter. It's more of like "I'm sorry you're going through this" then nothing more is said I'm not looking for "Sympathy" I'm looking for a support group/friends to have an actual conversations void of the typical superficial chat.

I guess that's all I'm going say for now, I seem to have gone blank on the other things I was going to say. It's late though.

Cheers!

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welcome Lustforlike. You arent insane youve had things happen in your life that have taken its toll on you in so many ways. as for what was said to you about doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result why not? i mean to me it means you dont give up and strive to make things better and not just accept whats handed to you . Most people dont understand that listening when someone needs a shoulder to lean against makes the world of difference. i know how you feel about talking to people about problems in your life its like they either dont have the time to concern themselves with your problems or they just dont know what to say to make it better . ive gotten to the point where i put on a fake smile and pretend everything is ok so i dont have to deal with that look people give you. everyone here is so wonderful and truly understands what its like . sometimes being around people that know what you are feeling makes things so much easier to handle.

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Thank you josesone. I know I'm not insane, just it;s how the majority people treat you when you say anything. And yeah I know what you mean by putting on a fake smile and pretending everything's okay. I'm a master of that. I'm glad I joined these forums, I look forward to talking with people, and possibly maybe help someone myself.

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they just dont understand what its like to feel the way we do. they expect us to deal with our problems and move on. its not that easy ive often wondered how they would react if they had to live in our shoes for a day. i used to be a happy go lucky person always smiling and joking always happy. but when my husband died i fell apart and became a different person. people didnt understand part of me died that day to. ill never be the person i was ive become someone else not a bad someone else just not the same . what gets me is some act like i should be the same so they feel comfortable around me . i just cant do it though.

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Yeah very true, they don't and until they do they should be more considerate of what they say. It doesn't help when people say, just get over it and get out more etc. To me when people say those things I just feel more isolated from everything, they don't understand depression effects me mentally and physically, I have no energy some days, therefore just stay housebound.

I remember a time like that too, I used to pretty outgoing, funny etc. Losing your husband, must have been extremely difficult, never an easy thing to go through. You will never get over it, but in time I believe you can find a median where you're happier than you are now. And yeah I get what you mean you're not the same, and I'd say it's the people around you that need to accept that you're not going be the same and support you in that because reminding you of who you used to be isn't going help things move forward it's just serves as a painful reminder of the past.

Edited by Lustforlike

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i wake up at 4 am and lay here dreading the day before the sun even comes up. i hate when people tell me me that. it makes me feel like such a failure that im not smart enough or stronger enough to just get over it that i cant figure out how to do it. they dont realize how much it wears you out pretending to be happy just so hey wont act that way or look at you that way when we show our true feelings. i so wish you could find that happy place as well.

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Yeah I know how that feels, and I agree I hate it so much when people say those things. It honestly has nothing to do with intelligence on "getting over something" or will power. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain with serotonin levels and such affecting you physically and mentally. People who say these things don't truly know what Depression is, and that is in fact a condition. I try to ignore these people they simply don't understand and probably never will until something traumatic in there life happens to them.

I too wish I could figure out to completely overcome this, and not have to deal with it again. Yeah it does wear you out acting like everything okay when you're falling apart on the inside.

I am glad I've come here to talk about things with individuals such as yourself. Our society/Culture I think has forgotten what it means to be a "human being" we have the ability to reason and think logically, it's too bad that most people are too wrapped up in there own prerogatives to think about things objectively and realize we're not doing this for attention, but just need help and someone who can truly understand the illness and all of it's effects and just be there as a "true" friend. There are many times when you're talking to someone about something and you can tell that they truly don't understand, don't care, or feel pressured because they're not sure if they can help you, therefore they kind of back away even when they're the ones who ask you to talk. I don't just volunteer information about myself unless I have a reasonable doubt that they actually understand how to communicate.

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the phrase "you have your kids to think about " really bothers me too. i know i do and i take great care of my kids (one is 19 the other 15) telling me that makes it worse on me. i cant help how i feel at times and struggle with each day but my son never does with out my attention or affection. that phrase makes me feel so guilty which in turns depresses me even more.

some pretend friends as i call them are to wrapped in what is going on in their life to care about what is going on in ours. dont get me wrong im here for all my friends when they need to cry, vent , or just have someone be a sounding board but some pick the wrong time . i had a extremely bad day shortly after Jose died and ran to a friend crying hyterically she started talking about her marriage problems saying how she doesnt know if its fixable ( i might add the "problem" was trival it was her not getting her way) i stared at her in disbelief of all times to talk about that i lost my husband while she still had hers. i told her no matter what the problem was anything is fixable anything can be worked out. the problems in me and Joses marriage wasnt fixable cause you just cant fix death. i left and never talked to her again about my problems. she made it clear she didnt care about helping me just me helping her. if she would have let me cry and comforted me calming me down from my panic attack i would have listened and helped her.

i avoid telling people about things too i dont tell them my problems or explain things to them most time it seems like a waste of time once again that is where the fake happy kicks in just so i dont have to go thru the whole thing again.

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Yeah it does make it worse when they try and guilt you with your kids, that's purely wrong. That's like saying you can't be a good mother. Which I know isn't the case. I wouldn't really call people like that true friends. Some people fail to realise that friendship is a two way street, so I honestly don't blame you for being reluctant to help. Sometimes it seems the more you give people the more they take from you. And what your friend did was disregard your feelings completely was very selfish. I don't know if you tried to call her out on her behaviour, because that definitely isn't right. I honestly don't ask for much as a friend, just want someone to be willing to have a listening ear sometimes, not asking for it 24/7. =/

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exactly. im not a demanding friend just want the same thing you do. i understand why alot of my old friends turned away from me when things hit bottom. i was always the one smiling and making things better for them and i think when it happened to me they just didnt know what to do. sort of like a fear for them i was the "strong" one that they always turned to so when i fell apart they just didnt know where to turn to make things better. it not that i expect anyone to make this better just listen sometimes crying or venting makes you feel a little better.

Im sorry youve had to endure so much in your life from such a young age. childhood should be the easiest time of our life and to be cheated out of that is so heartbreaking. im glad you joined DF i enjoy talking with you

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