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Frog154

A Rotten Core

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I'm struggling with depression and have been for a long time. I think the main reason for it's continued presence is the fact that I feel like part of the problem, that I feel like I am capable of being thoroughly nasty and often have thoughts that re-assure me of this.

I want to know if this is part of the cognitive distortions which come with depression. Do they come from experiences in childhood or really anything experienced along the way? Can they be undone or will you always have a taste for things which, by most standards, would be unacceptable like violence or strong lust. I'm trying to deal with all the things which people somewhat knowingly do to me on a daily basis but my own behaviours and thoughts seem truly horrible sometimes and this then causes me to be both more depressed and more easily knocked down because I feel like I deserve it. Is this a common experience of depression?

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I too have some personality traits that I sometimes have to question. I am a very gentle & nice person but I often watch gory videos, laugh at sick jokes and have some odd lustful urges.

To be honest, if I were someone else looking at me, I would think I'm strange and not quite right. When I look a childhood photos of myself, I think I look weird and creepy. I still have that look & vibe about me today. It's not down to a particular feature or defect, it's a look that's embedded deep in my core. I keep wondering if I have some kind of undiagnosed syndrome or a form of autism. The problem is I am very intelligent, so I recognize all of this and I feel the pain of being trapped in what I see as a defective body.

I have to step back every once in a while and remind myself I am just a living creature on planet earth and life is temporary and as far as I know it means nothing.

Edited by flowerpower89

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Damn, keep forgetting to set this to update me

Yeah, I know Daisy, that's all I've got to go on and yeah I also feel 'defective' sometimes. I guess at the end of the day, if I do act on those thoughts then I will suffer from them, I should not worry until I actually DO do those things I think of, in which event I will actually earn the suffering it causes....I just find it hard a lot of the time though, I feel guilty for minor things I've done and then extrapolate them to the possibility of doing worse things.

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Humans all have evil in them; anyone who doesn't think they do is delusional. We all have that "Mr. Hyde" part of our personality; we all get angry even at the people we love, we all have desires that may seem disturbing to others. Becuase in truth, we are just animals; we have urges that don't make sense or are morally reprehensible to our consciousnesses, because we are just a mix of genes and traits that have evolved throughout milennia, born into a human society that has evolved on an astonishingly short time frame, considering the history of life on earth. There is a lot of primal stuff hidden underneath that we suppress, for the security of society. Our individual and collective subconsciouses are still in another era.

The important part is keeping the things that you feel are wrong in check. Realize that you are not a freak, and you are not alone. There is nothing WRONG with you, in fact, I would say that you are admirable, considering you are so afraid of hurting others or doing something terrible. There are people out there who have no problem with their own urges, even if society might find them morally objectionable. There are people who have no problem being huge jerks because that's just "how they are" and they feel they have a right to do and say whatever they want.

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Thank you, I needed to hear that. I think I've had quite a 'Catholic' upbringing and I do wonder how other people can go around saying how they 'like to hang out the back' of women frequently...with not much remorse....but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have similar impulses often, I just don't really act on them :/

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I often find myself thinking that this is the real reason for my depression. That I am an intrinsically bad person, born bad (in the Calvinist sense that all humans are cursed with original sin, now that is funny because I am an atheist.) I know that during my childhood I was picked on and bullied constantly, both by my parents and by my peers. My family moved every few months across the United States and by the end of public school, I had attended 11 different schools (in twelve years). Being the smartest person in class was no boon as a girl. Girls are supposed to be pretty and, preferably, bubble-headed, giggling, good-time blow up dolls.

To this day, knowing I fit in nowhere and with no one, being an outcast with few friends, I still feel that somehow I have a 'rotten core.' I am not a 'normal' girl. I write pornography (and have had it published). I have had gallery showings of my paintings, won prizes for paintings and short stories (non erotic) and, as I do not sign with my full name but just my last, my work is described as 'fierce, ferocious, pressing the lines of societal acceptance.' Not exactly very feminine.

Not fitting in is incredibly painful. I do think it can cause depression.

I empathize with your pain, but I do not believe you have a 'rotten core.' Perfection is an illusion. No such thing, never gonna be.

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Yeah it's always a matter of perspective. Apparently everyone regarded Winston Churchill as a grumpy a****** because he was so vehemently against the Nazis during their rise to power. Niches exist for a reason and I feel like sometimes people need something to hate as much as they need something to love...just the lines are more blurred these days

And yet even knowing all of this I still often feel like the odd one out...but thank you :)

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