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bubba14

How Does Your Depression Manifest Itself?

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Mine goes something like this:

- I have loads of anxieties bubbling underneath the surface.

- Somebody may say something which brings the anxiety into focus, or I may simply think about the anxiety.

- If I am feeling anxious for whatever reason (say I have a job interview the next day), the anxiety which has been brought into focus can overwhelm me. Once it does, I feel there is very little I can do. I know that I am going to obsess over the anxiety for however long it takes.

- The down feeling may not be as a result of the subject of the anxiety but more that the anxiety has gotten to me and I am obsessing over it.

That may not make much sense so here is an example from just last night.

- My Mum said to me years ago that she is fascinated with the idea of sleep - that we lose ourselves for hours and then wake again. Straight away that worried me. When we fall asleep we are losing control. Anything could happen, we could die, someone could break in and rob our stuff etc. I kinda shrugged that off as being ridiculous and the thought was buried underneath the surface.

- Last night the thought was brought to the surface. I was looking forward to getting into bed when all of a sudden my brain said 'hold on, don't be so happy, remember the bad thought about sleep'. It wasn't so much what the bad thought was, it was that there was a bad thought.

- I actually have a job interview today so was a little anxious and the thought got in and took over. I tried letting it be there and not reacting to it but it just stuck there. I tried to challenge it but it just stuck there. I knew it had 'got me' and I know that it is going to stay there for a while.

- I am annoyed now that a time of the day that I looked forward to so much has been jeopardised by the thought breaking through. I worry if this is going to affect my sleep over the next while. I feel powerless to do anything about it.

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Remember why you love sleep! It is the one time of day you get to let go and don't have to deal with anything. You get to relax. You get to be comfortable. You get to be safe (lock the door). You get to dream sweet dreams and you don't have to worry about anything. Other people are not around to bother you. Try repeating "it's okay. It's going to be okay" to yourself often. Sounds stupid, but over time it slowly creeps into your unconscious and helps.

My depression usually manifests by feeling awful about myself and not wanting to leave my bed or room for a really long time. No motivation. Scared of what people think about me. That sort of thing.

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I always thought of myself as a relatively friendly person. However, it was brought to my attention in a recent discussion on my personality, that people don't see me as friendly very much. Instead I'm seen more as an intelligent but cold and calculating person that lacks a certain emotional "human" element. To put it a slightly different way, a friend of mine told me that "bubbly and friendly isn't how you're seen." She told me that people admired my brilliance, but that my personality was somewhat robotic. It all made sense. In my life I have found very few reasons to wear a perpetual smile on my face, but because of the fact that I always tried to mask my pain and depression by putting on a happy face, I considered myself a friendly person. In reality, people could see my depression manifested in the form of relying on knowledge and my education as opposed to being outgoing and having an inviting and friendly personality. I figured if I gave people the impression of being erudite, I could gain their respect that way in lieu of friendliness.

Ever since I heard that analysis on my personality, I pretty much let my guard down. Now I rarely bother to try to seem happy. My immediate family has noticed that I seem unhappy a lot of the time.

With regards to sleep, sometimes I prefer it to reality. Lately I've had certain dreams that were so incredible that I was so upset when I woke up and realized that they were just dreams. It's amazing what the brain can do to make your underlying worries of everyday life become magnified and emphasized in your subconscious.

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It starts off as an orb, then quickly transforms into a white streak of light, only visible with digital photography or camcorder.

**Edit - sorry, I thought this is "How a spirit manifests itself"

Edited by Struggles

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Well... I get sort of a disgust feeling which surpresses me from doing anything, than I experience what people call manic depression than my mind just sort of fixates on it for unknown durations of time.

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My moods swing from feelings of contentment to irritability at the flick of a finger. I get tired for no reason. Guilt torments me albeit unwarranted guilt. I Beat myself up for not living up to perceived standards. Insomnia robs me of beautiful escaping sleep. I get anxious over small things like being around people or preparing a meal when hungry. I have deep resentments, feel like a failure and struggle with big decisions. I get addicted to anything that brings me comfort. I think about suicide often but know its not a viable option for escape. I can go on and on, but that is the thrust of it. With the correct medication and by avoiding alcohol, these symptoms disolve and you would never think I suffer from Major depression if you met me.

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I get to where I don't want to go anywhere, let alone get ready to do so, then I feel like a horrible person for laying around all day. Usually, I spend my depressed days laying on the couch feeling sorry for myself until it passes, which sometimes can be days later.

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I get to where I don't want to go anywhere, let alone get ready to do so, then I feel like a horrible person for laying around all day. Usually, I spend my depressed days laying on the couch feeling sorry for myself until it passes, which sometimes can be days later.
I can relate to this Kim. I force myself to do things, but it is exhausting because I am battling anxiety the whole time. I also have a thyroid disorder so I never know if it is the depression or thyroid. I just know I am so exhausted it is hard to get out of bed, then feel anxious and guilty all day if I don't do something or if I forget something I was supposed to do. It really effects my my memory too. Lots of anxiety.

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